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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Birthday Palava

79 replies

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 08:39

Hi, DH is stressing me out but I'm not sure if he has a point or if he's being silly.

Next weekend he has the DSC it is their mum's boyfriend's birthday and so his kids are all going round and having a big meal. She has asked if DSC can get dropped back for Sunday lunch so they can join in.

I kind of thought fair enough as you know, that's their family too. But DH isn't happy as he doesn't feel mum's boyfriend's family birthdays should trump his contact time.

Contact time is being constantly eroded with mum dropping off later and later (and refusing to switch so he does pick up). She is even refusing his offers to do both journeys. There are also often request to drop them off a bit earlier so they can see boyfriend's kids before they go back to their mums. He's offered to switch weekends but aparantly that won't work for them as they don't have enough beds for them all to be in one house at the same time.

I'm getting fed up with DH moping and say to him just either say no it doesn't work for him or just do what she asks so the kids can see the other part of their family. But if I say to just do it he says they spend little time here as it is.

Any advice? Or just tell him I don't mind and leave me out of it?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 12:07

I would say let them go to the party , ask to switch a day and make this the day you put your foot down about contact time generally. If she’s an hour late, return them an hour late. If she wants them back early to see partners kids say we’re doing x but would be great for dc if partners kids can stay later so they can see them. See you at 5 (whatever the usual time is). And If you’re not doing any of this can you please stop moping about it? I respect that it’s hard but if you’re not trying to change it there’s nothing I can do.

He could go to court and ask for half the holidays. If he really wants to set clear boundaries he should probably be prepared to go to court, I certainly would be.

gogohm · 28/09/2021 12:38

I would suggest he simply says yes this is fine I'll have them (additional time) then instead

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 13:40

He has half the holidays already so when he asks for more time gets told no, as she only works term time so that she can have holidays with the kids and he's already taking half of that from her.

Thanks for the suggestions of how to handle this. I'm going to give him some of your ideas and then say I'm done with it I don't want to hear any more

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 13:55

was only asked to dropped home a couple of hours early? I dont see what the big drama is about tbh.
My suituation shes dropped early or late depends on the suituation
But i certainly wudnt make it a big deal if its only a couple of hours.
Im not bashing anyone its just logical

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 14:01

@Kimbo180

was only asked to dropped home a couple of hours early? I dont see what the big drama is about tbh. My suituation shes dropped early or late depends on the suituation But i certainly wudnt make it a big deal if its only a couple of hours. Im not bashing anyone its just logical

If a contact day is 9-7 and shes regularly dropping them later and later and asking them to get back earlier suddenly we are at 11-5 and if that were your children I think you’d notice the difference in time you got with your dc. I would.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:04

It's half a day out of his 2 days. I know what you're saying. I also get what he is saying. Why is their mum's boyfriend's family more important than seeing their dad. And how can she simultaneously complain he doesn't look after them enough then erode his contact time. It's not just the boyfriend's birthdays either, it's his kids aswell.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:05

*birthday (he isn't the queen)

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 28/09/2021 14:07

He has half the holidays already so when he asks for more time gets told no, as she only works term time so that she can have holidays with the kids and he's already taking half of that from her.

He's not taking half the holidays from her.

They are joint parents of their children and to ensure they have a good relationship with both their parents, they spent half the holidays with each parent. The fact she only works term time only is due to the job she decided to do and not the children's fault.

As PPs suggested he needs to tell her to swap days and state what day he's going to take instead every single time.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:07

Im not bashing anyone its just logical oh and I get your point but then it is his children and he wants to see them. And it's hard when he's bought all the stuff for dinner and then they don't want it as it's bed time by the time they are dropped off. And then she asks for them back early so that's Sunday lunch out the window too. Maybe he puts too much emphasis on meal times but that's when they open up the most.

OP posts:

RedMarauder · 28/09/2021 14:10

I also get what he is saying. Why is their mum's boyfriend's family more important than seeing their dad.

A boyfriend's birthday isn't important. It's half-siblings and other blood/legally adopted relations.

However if they have a good relationship with the boyfriend, as they aren't young children, it would be spiteful of your DH to say they can't go if they want to.

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:11

Yeah but sometimes ye need to let go of that and just go with it.i dont agree with them getting to ur partner later. But the kids might actually enjoy the party.
My partner use to be like the tit for tat with his ex and when he stoped it all stopped if that makes sense. Xx

MeridianB · 28/09/2021 14:12

If they were younger I’d say go to court as the ex doesn’t sound like she is supporting contact effectively by eroding time and being inflexible.

Do you know how the children feel? Does your DH spend quality time with them when they’re with you?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 14:14

@GloomAndDoom

Ok that does put a slightly different slant on it

HeartsAndClubs · 28/09/2021 14:16

Why is she doing all the drop-offs and presumably collecting as well?

Your DH sounds jealous of the relationship his children have with her BF, but also, perhaps he actually needs to parent his children i.e. not leave all the responsibility for them being with him to his ex.

If he wants them there at a certain time then he collects them. Similar if he doesn’t want them returning until. Certain time, although TBH I see nothing wrong with them going home a couple of hours earlier for the party. As hard as it is, it is important that they’re included, and that they should be able to decide. They’re not little kids any more, and it won’t be long before esp the teenager will be able to pick and choose whether they come at all.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:19

Why is she doing all the drop-offs and presumably collecting as well? she isn't. She does drop offs DH does taking them back. She won't swap or let him do both ways. He could be a dick and drop them off at the time agreed in parenting arrangement everytime but if she asks for them back early he feels obliged.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2021 14:23

@Kimbo180

Yeah but sometimes ye need to let go of that and just go with it.i dont agree with them getting to ur partner later. But the kids might actually enjoy the party. My partner use to be like the tit for tat with his ex and when he stoped it all stopped if that makes sense. Xx

But he hasn’t done any pushing back. There’s no toy for tat just ex slowly making sure he sees his kids less and less. He would be setting boundaries and ensuring he has his time with his children - nothing about that is tit for tat.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:26

@timeisnotaline this is partly why he feels he can't drop them off late when she has asked they come back early. It will just create more fuel for her to keep dropping them off late.

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:26

And regards of listening to him its mentally draining i had that aswell in the early days so i just told him yours and her drama stays at the front door and it has done ever since i told him.

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:27

He needs to go court then for the contact times

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:29

Do you think a court would be interested? I think becuase it is only a few hours rather than whole days I didn't know if he was just overreacting a bit but maybe he isn't.

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:30

And ye have to remind ur partner the kids are not going to be young forever theyl make there own mind up were theyl want to be

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:31

Yeah becoz hel wants set access times which is not been met so id imagine they will

RedMarauder · 28/09/2021 14:34

Do they have a Parenting Plan?

The first step would be for them to go to a mediaton and get a Parenting Plan drawn up.

If she (or even your DH) plays games so nothing is agreed in mediation at all or mediation starts taking ages, then that's when your DH goes to Court.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 14:37

Yes they have an agreement with times in. Thanks I'll let him know a court might be interested. But like you say @Kimbo180 the kids are getting older now so I think he has to accept they are going to want to have their own say. He needs to work on getting them to be able to say how they feel/what they want without feeling like they'll upset one or other parent.

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:42

See thats what happens when the parents argue over contact.the kids will not want to cause friction. Its tough on them.
Wait till there in ur house all the time and ur pulling ur hair out xxx

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