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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Birthday Palava

79 replies

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 08:39

Hi, DH is stressing me out but I'm not sure if he has a point or if he's being silly.

Next weekend he has the DSC it is their mum's boyfriend's birthday and so his kids are all going round and having a big meal. She has asked if DSC can get dropped back for Sunday lunch so they can join in.

I kind of thought fair enough as you know, that's their family too. But DH isn't happy as he doesn't feel mum's boyfriend's family birthdays should trump his contact time.

Contact time is being constantly eroded with mum dropping off later and later (and refusing to switch so he does pick up). She is even refusing his offers to do both journeys. There are also often request to drop them off a bit earlier so they can see boyfriend's kids before they go back to their mums. He's offered to switch weekends but aparantly that won't work for them as they don't have enough beds for them all to be in one house at the same time.

I'm getting fed up with DH moping and say to him just either say no it doesn't work for him or just do what she asks so the kids can see the other part of their family. But if I say to just do it he says they spend little time here as it is.

Any advice? Or just tell him I don't mind and leave me out of it?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 14:46

Go to court is always thrown in there by posters who invariably have absolutely bugger all experience. No idea re the cost and ramifications

It sounds fairly amicable between them. How about he suggest to her they have a chat, face to face if possibly or over phone. And he convey how important it is to have that regular time with them. No shouting. No high drama. A conversation

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 14:47

Do the teens not have activities / friends that they partake in over the weekends?

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 14:47

Sometimes thats not possible with h.c people been there wore the tshirt. Ye just learn to rise above it

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 14:48

With rugby, dance, tutor, friends, parties…
There’s a lot of juggling between my ex and I!

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 15:01

@Reallyimeanreally2022

With rugby, dance, tutor, friends, parties… There’s a lot of juggling between my ex and I!

No, one has a class during the week. Can't afford tutors. They see friends after school mostly and have the occasional sleepover here with them.

OP posts:

Pinkspecs · 28/09/2021 15:05

I don't think a birthday meal for her boyfriend should have eroded into his contact time.
I can understand why he is upset about her eroding his contact time it's unfair.
I agree with PP about dropping them back late of she is late dropping them off.
She will soon understand when it starts effecting her time.

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 15:05

And il add aswell the moping around is not helpful for you can he not go off with you and ur child and make memories or is he one of those dads that ye cant do anything unless the kids are involved xxx

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 15:06

@GloomAndDoom

There's anxious and moping whilst not doing anything about it.

Not really a normal response now I come to think of it

Does he suffer from depression?

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 15:11

Does he suffer from depression? yes sorry didn't think that was important but now you've said it I have perhaps been stupidly naive.

OP posts:

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 15:12

@GloomAndDoom

Does he suffer from depression? yes sorry didn't think that was important but now you've said it I have perhaps been stupidly naive.

Oh good heavens op Seriously

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 15:12

@Kimbo180

Oh yes we do things with LO all the time. I organise it though.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 15:15

Oh good heavens op
Seriously
Well it has been under control for so long and it's been my mental health struggling! Sorry! Thanks though! I feel very silly now. Sorry everyone! I have worked out what might be contributing to the "moping".

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 15:15

Oh I'm such a terrible wife :(

OP posts:

SunnySideDownBriefly · 28/09/2021 15:16

Hi,
I get that your DH is stressing you out - I have been here too - but you can't just close the door on his emotions about it. It's hard for him to not be the resident parent and that does have an impact on his self-esteem too...it's not that she's weaponising the kids but she isn't thinking of your DH in this when she is making her happy, blended family plans.

If I were you, I would help him with his feelings. Let him talk it out and just listen. He might feel better once he gets it off his chest. The problem is that it feels like a constant attack...honestly, I know the feeling. Life would be so much easier if she just stuck to the arrangements. She sounds very selfish and as if she likes to get her own way, never mind what anyone else wants. This is the trouble with ex's when you have kids...if the relationship is difficult then you still experience the worst of that person when all you want to do is move on. This will get much better when the kids are older. We're almost free of it as the older two are independent now although we still share one child and continue to have fun and games when his mother decides. Ours is the opposite problem though - we're 50/50 but she wants him to be at ours more than hers. We just go with it as I love my stepson and, of course my husband does too, and he comes first so if we need to change plans then we do it as long as it's something simple.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with asking the step-kids if they want to go to whatever event is planned...if they really don't then that gives your DH a chance to put his foot down (without landing his kids in it). Just a simple 'No, that doesn't work for me' and that's the end of the discussion.

Maybe you can help empower him? I feel for you though...it's very hard to manage and I've definitely had to work on my levels of patience with my DH!

SunnySideDownBriefly · 28/09/2021 15:18

No! You're not at all! It's such a difficult situation and a fucking drag all the time!

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 15:20

Ye tough one that depression creeps up. Think were all going tru it in these presents times xx i hope everything works out for yous xx

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 15:23

I think I've just ended up dealing with my own problems and dismissed his as moping about the ex. So yes I feel very bad right now.

Thanks for your help everyone!

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2021 15:28

@GloomAndDoom

I think I've just ended up dealing with my own problems and dismissed his as moping about the ex. So yes I feel very bad right now.

Thanks for your help everyone!

I don't think you need to jump to feeling terrible just because depression might be involved. How does his moping manifest?

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 16:15

How does his moping manifest?

In a mumbling voice. Asking me what he should say. Asking me if I think its ok. Saying he's boring now XYZ is around flashing his cash. Why do they all have to be there on his birthday but they don't come round here for his. This is the bit I was struggling with but now feel a bit mean.

When they are late it's just sitting there waiting like a dog waiting for their master to come home. I try suggesting things to keep him busy but he just looks so sad.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 16:15

And walking around slowly like everything is terrible

OP posts:

Pinkspecs · 28/09/2021 17:42

He's allowed to be upset though?
You sound like you have been quite dismissive of his feelings.
He doesn't have to be putting on a front if he is upset over something.

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2021 18:09

Only OP knows how much of this sort of behaviour there is and how much of a toll it takes on their relationship. Yes, everyone is entitled to be upset sometimes, but it is possible to take the piss with how often you allow this to dictate the atmosphere in your home, and how often you use the other person as a sounding board to vent. It is very draining. This is a particularly difficult line to tread as a NRP, as they often have ongoing dramas and angst, but it does seem to be common for NRP dad's to allow their feelings about their situation with their kids to massively dominate the mood and conversation of the household.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 18:42

@Pinkspecs

He's allowed to be upset though? You sound like you have been quite dismissive of his feelings. He doesn't have to be putting on a front if he is upset over something.

Yes he's allowed to be upset but he's refusing to do anything about it which makes it worse. I realise now this may be his depression creeping in and he's just resigning himself to his fate so to speak. But yes I have been a bit harsh on him. It's hard with LO around too as it means I can have lovely stuff to tell him about the day and it feel like it's not of interest to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 18:45

it is possible to take the piss with how often you allow this to dictate the atmosphere in your home, and how often you use the other person as a sounding board to vent. yes that's sort of where I'm getting at I think. I need to be a little more lieniant but also maybe if it goes on for much longer express that he needs to try and keep me out of it if he's not going to try and do anything about it. A tricky balance!

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 20:25

Ye but u have a life to live aswell regardless of what goes on with them. Whats he going to be like when there independant and dont want to visit
He needs to realise life goes on xx

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