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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Birthday Palava

79 replies

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 08:39

Hi, DH is stressing me out but I'm not sure if he has a point or if he's being silly.

Next weekend he has the DSC it is their mum's boyfriend's birthday and so his kids are all going round and having a big meal. She has asked if DSC can get dropped back for Sunday lunch so they can join in.

I kind of thought fair enough as you know, that's their family too. But DH isn't happy as he doesn't feel mum's boyfriend's family birthdays should trump his contact time.

Contact time is being constantly eroded with mum dropping off later and later (and refusing to switch so he does pick up). She is even refusing his offers to do both journeys. There are also often request to drop them off a bit earlier so they can see boyfriend's kids before they go back to their mums. He's offered to switch weekends but aparantly that won't work for them as they don't have enough beds for them all to be in one house at the same time.

I'm getting fed up with DH moping and say to him just either say no it doesn't work for him or just do what she asks so the kids can see the other part of their family. But if I say to just do it he says they spend little time here as it is.

Any advice? Or just tell him I don't mind and leave me out of it?!

OP posts:

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aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2021 09:06

I'd probably just say I don't mind and to leave me out of it. I totally get your perspective here - I'd have thought why not too but appreciate the preexisting issues about contact being eroded. But crucially, I just couldn't abide by frequent moping about it all. I know that can sound harsh but honestly I couldn't have stayed in a relationship with DP if he was going to be moping about DSS related issues all the time. I had words to that affect in the early days and know I couldn't have stuck with him if he hadn't put a lid on it. It just isn't a cloud you want constantly hanging over you when it isn't a mutual concern.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2021 09:07

Her request is reasonable, but because she often eats into his contact time, I can see why he's not happy as she always wants it her way.

I think even if it's not another weekend, he should ask yo have them over another day or any other additional time to make up for the lost time.

Being flexible is good, but it needs to work both ways...not just for one parent's benefit. She's very rigid, bir wants him to be flexible and he negs to point that out to her.

It's not all about her.

SandyY2K · 28/09/2021 09:10

Apologies just seen typos...I wish MN had an edit function for this.

*he should ask TO
*She's very rigid, BUT
*he NEEDS to point that out to her.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 09:16

But crucially, I just couldn't abide by frequent moping about it all I agree. It's only been a few months of moping, he even managed all the covid disruption without moping. I think he's feeling pushed out for the boyfriend but I'm going to tell him it's nothing to do with me and stop telling me about it tbh. I just need to know when they are here if I'm going shopping etc tbh.

OP posts:

Brollywasntneededafterall · 28/09/2021 09:17

As much as obviously df's time is vital a court places great value on sibling relationships.. How would the dc feel if there was a'family 'party that didn't include them? One day these could be their step siblings.. Also a court wouldn't be happy the dm is arranging stuff for dc in df's time. Maybe a rejuggle of the previous schedule would work all round?

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 09:17

@SandyY2K thanks I might suggest he asks for a different day in exchange etc but then if he carries on moping after that I think I'm done listening!

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 09:19

How would the dc feel if there was a'family 'party that didn't include them?

We've had family parties without them. I'm not making my LO loose out and wait for them to be here to have their birthday celebration. I guess I don't prescribe to the whole WE MUST "BLEND" THE FAMILY idea. I just get on with it, LO is with me all the time though I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 09:21

One day these could be their step siblings she's 'reassured' the DSC she won't remarry "unlike you" (said to DH when she told him about boyfriend).

OP posts:

HunkyPunk · 28/09/2021 09:21

I couldn't have stayed in a relationship with DP if he was going to be moping about DSS related issues all the time. I had words to that affect in the early days and know I couldn't have stuck with him if he hadn't put a lid on it. It just isn't a cloud you want constantly hanging over you when it isn't a mutual concern.

Sounds a bit harsh! Surely anything your partner is anxious about becomes a mutual concern?

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 09:22

There's anxious and moping whilst not doing anything about it.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 28/09/2021 09:22

How old are the kids? Do they want to go to the meal?

Why doesn't DH say he's happy for them to go back early if he can have an edgy a night in the week?

aSofaNearYou · 28/09/2021 09:46

Sounds a bit harsh! Surely anything your partner is anxious about becomes a mutual concern?

I did say it would sound harsh in my comment, but it is reality, it's hard to understand if you haven't lived through it. I don't mind the odd conversation about it but there is a limit - I don't want it to be a constant shadow over our days. Why would I want to be in a relationship like that over something I'm not equally bothered about? I'm sure he wouldn't enjoy daily moping about my mother or friends.

It's just something you need to be prepared for when seeking out a relationship with someone that isn't your child's parent. You need to be able to offer something more than just their dad.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 10:47

I'm sure he wouldn't enjoy daily moping about my mother or friends. exactly if I kept going on about my ex I'm sure he'd find it pretty weird!

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 10:49

@girlmom21

How old are the kids? Do they want to go to the meal?

Why doesn't DH say he's happy for them to go back early if he can have an edgy a night in the week?

1 nearly teen and 1 teen.

Nearly teen is a peacemaker and will just say I dunno if asked. Teen never wants to do anything hahaha! I wouldn't really feel it fair to ask them either, I kind of assume their mum already has.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 10:50

Oh and he can't have them longer in the week as she moved many miles away and it wouldn't be good for the kids to get up at stupid o'clock to go to school. He gets shot down if he asks for extra in the holidays.

OP posts:

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 10:51

If she’s late to drop
Then he can be late to drop back

How frequently does he have? How old are they?

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 10:52

Sorry you gave this info

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 10:52

What does he do with them when with you?

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 11:25

@Reallyimeanreally2022

What does he do with them when with you?

Why? We wouldn't ask for special contact so they could spend it with LO on their birthday or my birthday. It would seem a bit odd to me to say sorry mum your time is less important than GloomAndDoom's birthday.

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 11:26

When they are with us they do normal living everyday activities. DH doesn't think it's good for them to see every weekend with him as a special outing etc. In the holidays they go on day trips.

OP posts:

Kimbo180 · 28/09/2021 11:35

Tell him to grow up and let them go. Its all a part of the process he sounds very jealous.
He needs to co parent. Why would he let the kids miss out on a party.

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 11:48

Why would he let the kids miss out on a party. they often miss out on partys if it falls on their weekend with us. They'd hardly see their dad some months if they didnt!

OP posts:

Original poster

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 11:50

He needs to co parent he tries. He is met with silence on parenting matters and as I said contact time being slowly eroded. Co parenting doesn't mean paying the ex wife to look after them and reducing his contact.

OP posts:

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 11:58

@Kimbo180

Tell him to grow up and let them go. Its all a part of the process he sounds very jealous. He needs to co parent. Why would he let the kids miss out on a party.

Exactly

My ex and I often misses out on his time because the children have play dates / parties / family events / sporting events etc

But the bigger picture is the children. Not me. Not my ex. So I will suck up things eating in to my time. And thankfully, so does my ex.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 28/09/2021 12:01

@GloomAndDoom

These are not young children op.

With their mum, their primary carer, I bet they are perfectly happy to vocalise what they want and don’t want.

That’s what I find with mine. They are reluctant to tell dad their real preferences sometimes because worry hurt feelings.

Whereas with me, their mum and RP, no issue! So I often have to be a diplomat. Not wanting to say “look they want to come to my brother’s 40th party rather than spend Saturday night with you”
So instead I say “my brother is desperate to have them at his party and he’s been such a good uncle to them in the past. Any chance that you’d be ok with me collecting earlier and then not staying the night?”

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