Hobbies causing divide

[dorris88]

DH has 9yo DC who has a hobby. We have 3YO DC who also has a hobby.

Contact has changed slightly to accommodate DSC mums work but has meant DH will miss all of our DC classes to take his DC to their hobby. He was gutted that he was going to miss out of our DC, so I said we could alternate each week! DSC is basically a drop off and hang about for an hour - no involvement. Our DC hobby is very interactive and DH absolutely loves it. He does hobbies on school nights also with DSC.

However - DSC has kicked off at this suggestion. They are going through a bit of an attention phase which usually happens when something is going on at their other home so we do empathise. However, our DC would like their dad to come with them too.

Anyway - it was left that we will alternate. All I face now is that awkward journey with DSC where they wont want me there (we get on really well its lovely) but when they are in these phases they tend to only be happy when glued to Dad.

The natural answer would be to let DH take DSC every week, until the phase ends but this has currently been ongoing for 5 months - the mum and partner split often but this has been for a long time.

Its a hard toss between what's fair which I think i am constantly battling as SM.

Can Dad take 9yr old out on their own for a drinking chocolate later that day? Or walk the dog, shop etc alone with them?

And maybe you can jazz up the activity a little bit for DSC when you take them on alternate weeks? Do you have special skills, like making a brownie outfit for their favourite doll, or sports kit for their man doll? Sewing achievement badges on, etc, etc.

It’s the mum’s actions that have led to this, does DSC realise that?

It’s rubbish for everyone, including you, but it sounds like DSC will still have plenty of time with dad with week night hobbies and no one child is more important than the other in your household so it would obviously be completely unfair for your child to miss out on their dad ever being at weekend activities. It’s not their fault their weekends are being negatively impacted by an unrelated adult so while it’s not DSC’s fault either it would be a mistake to overly compensate them.

For Christs sake Mum does have to work.

At 9yrs old he does not get it - maybe his father and mother need to sit down and explain it. He will calm down but reassurance is obviously needed and not getting through

Your 3 year old has a hobby?

@coodawoodashooda

Your 3 year old has a hobby?

She says so. So yes.

That's not the same as a 9 year old having a hobby, imho.

So?

@SpaceshiptoMars that's a good idea actually! Even if we both go for lunch or something after (they always want me around too so it's not a personal thing) it might spice the day up and add a touch of something special for the two of us.

@coodawoodashooda both children enjoy their hobbies and look forward to them, therefore both are valid regardless of age 🧐

Alternate, dsc will get used to it.

I've found it does help things, when the DSC can see personal advantages to them of you existing

3 year olds do swimming etc all the time. Normal. Classic attempt to derail thread, wind up OP and encourage her to say something she’ll regret.

OP, I suggest that you allow DSC a few extra hobby weeks with DH where he can gently talk to his kid about everything that is going on and introduce them to the new normal. Because kids often have their own idea of what is “fair” and it does sounds like DSC needs a little extra TLC at the moment. Sometimes it’s just about responding to a child’s needs in the short term and not about dividing time up exactly. One day it might be your own DC that is going through something and needs some extra fuss.

9 year old needs to learn to compromise. Dad had to compromise on his contact hours, kid will have to follow dad's example and compromise on their preferred Adult Taxi Service.

I agree with having some sort of treat when you're with her. My DD used to love it when I was out with her and we'd get a treat and I would say "Let's not mention this to Dad and DS". Make sure that your DH knows not to also do the treat, otherwise you'll be back to square one where dad is preferred.

Although, if the contact has not changed on this particularly day I am unsure why he has to split his time now.
DSC hobby on x day

Contact time changed and now Dad to 2DCS can only do taxi service 50% of the time as both DCS have an activity at the same time,

Am unclear why he now has to split his time - has the day younger DC does hobby changed - other wise I do not understand why he has to reduce his taxi time with eldest DC?

Sorry if I am being obtuse

I think explain that it has to happen because contact changed for mum. You could offer for DSC to miss every other week if it's not acceptable for you to take them. Do not make DC miss out for DSC. It will lead to resentment.

@coodawoodashooda

That's not the same as a 9 year old having a hobby, imho.

If it's swimming then I agree, it's more important that the 3 year old learns to swim (assuming 9 year old can already).

If it's not swimming or other essential skill then I don't see any difference really. A hobby is a hobby.

@bogoffmda

I did say contact time has changed in my OP.
We now have DSC every Saturday instead of every other (as well as other days but this is the day in question). He has always done every other with both his children because of that reason, but now it's changed DSC expects/wants him to do all.

@Wole

The hobbies are football & dancing.

Both just enjoyable hobbies I really don't understand why they type is important. Both children regardless of age, or sport, enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote dorris88]@Wole

The hobbies are football & dancing.

Both just enjoyable hobbies I really don't understand why they type is important. Both children regardless of age, or sport, enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Yes I agree with you. It was only because if it's swimming then it's really important they are encouraged to learn for safety.

[quote dorris88]@bogoffmda

I did say contact time has changed in my OP.
We now have DSC every Saturday instead of every other (as well as other days but this is the day in question). He has always done every other with both his children because of that reason, but now it's changed DSC expects/wants him to do all. [/quote]
If it's every Saturday then DSC is just going to have to learn to share their dad.

Yeah but I think a 9 year olds hobby takes priority over a 3 year olds. Unless it was swimming.

Hardly the toddlers fault they have an older sibling.. Nowt like promoting sibling relationships!!
Both hobbies are valid... Ultimately dsc can't have her own way every week. In any family dc have to compromise and take turns.

My 2 year old loves his little football class every week with his Daddy - it's their special one on one time together.
Neither would be happy if Daddy had to stop that to go and sit outside the hall while DSD has her dance class.
So no, the 9 year olds taxi doesn't take priority over quality time for the 3 year old.

but I think a 9 year olds hobby takes priority over a 3 year olds

Why?

@coodawoodashooda

Yeah but I think a 9 year olds hobby takes priority over a 3 year olds. Unless it was swimming.

I don't I think that's really shit for the 3 year old