Hobbies causing divide

[dorris88]

DH has 9yo DC who has a hobby. We have 3YO DC who also has a hobby.

Contact has changed slightly to accommodate DSC mums work but has meant DH will miss all of our DC classes to take his DC to their hobby. He was gutted that he was going to miss out of our DC, so I said we could alternate each week! DSC is basically a drop off and hang about for an hour - no involvement. Our DC hobby is very interactive and DH absolutely loves it. He does hobbies on school nights also with DSC.

However - DSC has kicked off at this suggestion. They are going through a bit of an attention phase which usually happens when something is going on at their other home so we do empathise. However, our DC would like their dad to come with them too.

Anyway - it was left that we will alternate. All I face now is that awkward journey with DSC where they wont want me there (we get on really well its lovely) but when they are in these phases they tend to only be happy when glued to Dad.

The natural answer would be to let DH take DSC every week, until the phase ends but this has currently been ongoing for 5 months - the mum and partner split often but this has been for a long time.

Its a hard toss between what's fair which I think i am constantly battling as SM.

@coodawoodashooda

Yeah but I think a 9 year olds hobby takes priority over a 3 year olds. Unless it was swimming.

But that's not what is being asked here. There is no question of the 9 year old missing his hobby because of the 3 year old. Both will be able to go. The question is the older kid wants his dad to driop him every week and his dad and step mum want to alternate so she does every second week and the dad gets to experience his dd's hobby too. seems fair to me. I agree with the pp who suggested dad take him out for a hot chocolate in the afternoon/later on the days he doesn't do the lift.

@Wole It’s not ‘somebody else’s mum’ it’s their brother/sister’s mum. They ‘miss out’ short term on 1:1 at hobby with dad (and I’m sure could work some 1:1 park trips etc into other time) because their sibling whom they likely love needs a few weeks of dad’s time a bit more.

So anything that one child's mother can no longer provide her child must be taken from the other child to make up for it?
Does that go both ways or is it just the older child that must never miss out on anything (like dad sitting on the other side of a door on their behalf, say)?

@Youseethethingis if their need is greater- yes. If the 3yo was unwell or upset and dad needed to spend more time with them short term then totally. When my husband’s eldest had an away fixture with his sport on mum’s weekend my husband went with him as mum couldn’t- our baby ‘lost out’ on time with dad but it would have been churlish to demand equal time because what’s fair is not always what’s equal.

@CrumpetsForAll

Yeah but the 3yo always gets one of their parents to take them. The 9yo gets either their parent or someone they’re less close to- at a time when they need a bit more tlc. I know your DH will be sad not to see his 3yo for a bit but turns the breaks when one kid’s need is greater

I'm 50/50 with this.

Just because my DH and his ex broke up, my DC shouldn't have to play second fiddle.

I can't understand the mentality that my child should get less because she's lucky enough to live with her parents. Or more so that the DSC should get more because she doesn't.

[quote CrumpetsForAll]@Youseethethingis if their need is greater- yes. If the 3yo was unwell or upset and dad needed to spend more time with them short term then totally. When my husband’s eldest had an away fixture with his sport on mum’s weekend my husband went with him as mum couldn’t- our baby ‘lost out’ on time with dad but it would have been churlish to demand equal time because what’s fair is not always what’s equal.[/quote]
Again... that's a completely different scenario.

That was a one off. This is the new future for us not just a sickness cover lol

[quote CrumpetsForAll]@Wole It’s not ‘somebody else’s mum’ it’s their brother/sister’s mum. They ‘miss out’ short term on 1:1 at hobby with dad (and I’m sure could work some 1:1 park trips etc into other time) because their sibling whom they likely love needs a few weeks of dad’s time a bit more.[/quote]
That is 'somebody else's mum'. It's possible she will never even meet the 3 year old. Just a stranger.

If dad drops the 3 year old for the 9 year old it is going to create resentment and ill feeling from the 3 year old. As a one off while they are 3 yes it might be ok. But it won't be a one off if the 9 year old is allowed to call the shots.

Just because my DH and his ex broke up, my DC shouldn't have to play second fiddle. I agree with this.

Yeah but the 3yo always gets one of their parents to take them. The 9yo gets either their parent or someone they’re less close to- at a time when they need a bit more tlc. I know your DH will be sad not to see his 3yo for a bit but turns the breaks when one kid’s need is greater

What a load of rubbish. He should still be making time for both of his children to see them do their hobbies. This is where second children get pushed aside and it’s fully justified to some people because their parents are still together. If someone told you to do it would you? I doubt mums are expected to do any of this crap.

The 9 year old is lucky SM will take them to their hobby so they won't miss out as dad can only take them every other week so that he can also spend time with 3 year old.

I can't understand the mentality that my child should get less because she's lucky enough to live with her parents.

But how is your child getting less, if your DH goes with DSC? Your child is still going to their class, and still going with a parent. They will not be any less happy.

I could see your point if your child had to miss their class entirely but that's not the case.

Sorry but I think it's rather hard-hearted not to let DH take DSC every week until things calm down. The children might be equally important but they are not in equal situations, DSC needs more care at the moment.

I would at least let DH take DSC three out of four weekends.

I would at least let DH take DSC three out of four weekends.

It sounds like the DH thoroughly enjoys the younger child's activity and will be making his own mind up!

Anyway, if the mother's situation is somewhat unstable, it's good to get DSC used to the involvement of the bonus parent. As OP is happy to get stuck in, let DSC benefit from gaining another concerned adult in their life. My DSM taught me lots of useful things I wouldn't have learned from my parents.

Wow. I guess I like my DSC and if they were having a rough few months I’d be cool with DH adapting our routine to support that.

@SpaceshiptoMars I agree, it is good, low pressure bonding time for SM and DSC

@coodawoodashooda

That's not the same as a 9 year old having a hobby, imho.

Call it an activity if you can't get your tiny mind around it!

Agree that when you take the 9 yo you should take him for pizza after (may be they could bring a friend?) As a special "you and me" lunch ... he will probably end up asking you to drop him every week haha

@dorris88

Carry on alternating. DSC is getting a lift to their hobby, it really doesn't matter who drives. It's not the only time each week they get with their Dad. They need to learn they don't get to call the shots & that the 3 yo has needs too!

@dreamingbohemian

I can't understand the mentality that my child should get less because she's lucky enough to live with her parents.

But how is your child getting less, if your DH goes with DSC? Your child is still going to their class, and still going with a parent. They will not be any less happy.

I could see your point if your child had to miss their class entirely but that's not the case.

Sorry but I think it's rather hard-hearted not to let DH take DSC every week until things calm down. The children might be equally important but they are not in equal situations, DSC needs more care at the moment.

I would at least let DH take DSC three out of four weekends.

That comment was in regards to people's responses l, not my situation.

In my situation both children want their Dad to take them and Dad wants to be at both. Therefore alternate weekends is best for everyone. DSC is used to this cos their mum or step DSS took them do really, it shouldn't be an issue to anyone

Nice. Just because i didn't agree.

I agree, alternate as you have said. But also just big it up how you are looking forward to being at their hobby with them or watching them, or hearing about it afterwards.

If you have a generally good relationship it shouldn’t be a problem long term.

I think it’s good for them to learn sometimes what they want can’t happen, regardless of the circumstances. We do baby/pander to kids way too much now, and we also let SC often get their way especially. My exH can be like this he thinks that as we split this has impacted the kids (which I don’t argue it will have). But this doesn’t mean eveyrhting should be explained away with that, and they should get everything sorted and fixed to their liking instantly. Because life doesn’t work like that, and I don’t think they should be ill prepared for being an adult.

I’m not saying do something horrible, but they like you and you have a good relationship, so this is just something they want. They have to learn sometimes we don’t get what we want, and how to compromise and it also does them good to think about their sibling in this too.

Both children should be treated the same, your step children shouldn't get any special treatment just because. The fairest is to alternate who takes them. Regardless of their age, they both deserve to enjoy something and have their dad take them. The step child isn't more important than your child together.

Growing up in a house with 2 parents, my mom took my sister and I to piano and dance lessons; my dad took my brother to his sporting practices. If my sister and I had a recital both parents attended. If my brother had a game both parents attended.

I don't think that any of us felt deprived and we all lived full time with both parents. I seriously doubt that my brother ever wondered why my mom did not attend his practices, and I know that my sister, and I never felt that my father favored my brother or had more interest in my brother's activities. My brother probably was happier having my dad at his practices ,and my sister and I never would have cared very much about which of our parents ferried us to these practices.

I never would have cared very much about which of our parents ferried us to these practices. OP's 9 year old DSC does though.

I never would have cared very much about which of our parents ferried us to these practices

Good for you. These children do.

Alternate weekends OP. If DSC is used to their step father taking them on some of mum's previous weekends anyway then its not an issue.

DH can take DSC out for a treat / some 1:1 time later on.

Although I never agree with the whole "your child doesn't get to have X because they live in the same house as their two parents".

Your 3 year old wants their Dad there, they are no less important than DSC although I know plenty of poster's here like to think they are.