Hobbies causing divide

[dorris88]

DH has 9yo DC who has a hobby. We have 3YO DC who also has a hobby.

Contact has changed slightly to accommodate DSC mums work but has meant DH will miss all of our DC classes to take his DC to their hobby. He was gutted that he was going to miss out of our DC, so I said we could alternate each week! DSC is basically a drop off and hang about for an hour - no involvement. Our DC hobby is very interactive and DH absolutely loves it. He does hobbies on school nights also with DSC.

However - DSC has kicked off at this suggestion. They are going through a bit of an attention phase which usually happens when something is going on at their other home so we do empathise. However, our DC would like their dad to come with them too.

Anyway - it was left that we will alternate. All I face now is that awkward journey with DSC where they wont want me there (we get on really well its lovely) but when they are in these phases they tend to only be happy when glued to Dad.

The natural answer would be to let DH take DSC every week, until the phase ends but this has currently been ongoing for 5 months - the mum and partner split often but this has been for a long time.

Its a hard toss between what's fair which I think i am constantly battling as SM.

Also love how PP expects a 3 year old to be totally understanding and fine with it because the sibling they love wants their Dad there but that is totally ridiculous to expect of a 9 year old.

If a 3 year old can get it, so can a child who is 6 years older than them.

@YeahButYouAreWrong this is it, DSC is used to only being taken every other weekend by her dad as mum used to take her.

Perhaps she thought because it's now dads responsibility it would always be him. DSC will be fine about it, she's a good kid. I was only really working out how I can make the journey a bit more of a bonding situ for DSC & I 😆 which a couple posters did actually give good advice and we will be grabbing a Starbucks afterwards which she loves.

MN step mum haters just derailed the entire thing.

I don't think you would be having this conversation really if you weren't in a blended family.

At some point in a blended family you have to stop apologising for being a blended family or accepting that SC have to be treated as some type of mythical god, and treat them as kids and act like a family would act that's non blended.

If it was always alternative before then then the comments on is it fair are ridiculous. It's not a change in time with dad, it's a change in mum for step mum.

Me and my SD have started claiming it as girls time and she loves it. it's Getting nails done, ice cream on route or doing something you know dad wouldn't do it a good place to start.

Being inclusive doesn't mean only dad can fill a role, it means stepmom can step in and carve out her own time with SC is the situation is workable. Sounds like it is.

I would say ignore the usual pitchforkers that come on here to try and wrangle some moral horror at treating all kids in a blended family as equal. Second families don't mean second class. The rule also applies the other way around.

Works for us at any rate ! Good luck op

At some point in a blended family you have to stop apologising for being a blended family or accepting that SC have to be treated as some type of mythical god, and treat them as kids and act like a family would act that's non blended.

This is very good advice for everyone in a blended family. (Especially my husband!)

Football is seasonal.

The 9 year old should take priority as a) the 3 year old is too young to remember and so wont resent it and b) more importantly the 3 year old gets their dad 365 days a year.

Play fair.

@Willyoujustbequiet that's such a sad way to think. I'm really sorry you have that mentality.

Sending you hugs

@Willyoujustbequiet

Football is seasonal.

The 9 year old should take priority as a) the 3 year old is too young to remember and so wont resent it and b) more importantly the 3 year old gets their dad 365 days a year.

Play fair.

Yes OP, what's the point of your 3 year old doing a hobby at all, they won't remember it. No need for them to do anything fun or ever spend time with you or their Dad because they won't remember it...

Yes that's it, play fair by making sure that the 9 year old doesn't have to take turns, knows that what they want is the most important thing and it's ok to take all the hobby time with dad away from the 3 year old.
We all know from upthread now that 3 year olds don't have hobbies or thrive on routine or time to bond with their fathers like 9 year olds do, so whats the difference

Didn't want to address the silly comment lol but my DH works Monday - Friday. The misconception that this equates to so much more quality time is crap. BOTH of their quality time with dad is of a weekend, DSC is either here too, or dad faking her to hobby one night 2 nights in the week. So you're suggesting that those couple hours whilst eating, bathing and going to bed on the 2 other week nights (Friday incl in the weekend here) is where my DC is only entitled to gain quality time - that is utterly delusional and not 'playing fair'.

It's actually hilarious some people would subject their own DC to this type of mentality at the fear of teaching the DSC to share their time 🤯.

Unbelievably daft notions here.

3 yr old matters every bit as much as the 9 yr old, even though some posters seem to think he should just disappear.

Older siblings have to learn to compromise. Even children of the the first wives club.

I'm sure my DH would prefer not to have to take 3yo dancing or to football, (not sure which hobby is whos) at all. 3yo will get over it.

I’m a step mum AND a first wife, twist your melon around that I’m not sure lazy stereotypes really help move family disputes along.

I think for a short period of time it would be no disservice to the couple’s toddler if dad spent time with his older child while they had a rough time.

OP’s suggestion of making the trip into QT with the child is a great compromise, but that if the child would still benefit from more dad time this shouldn’t be seen as some weird competition between the two siblings with that option off the table in principle.

I honestly don't get the issue.

Your DH takes DSS to his hobby.

You take your 3 year old to his/her hobby.

Your DSS wants his Dad to take him. Your 3 year old gets to be with your DH all the time whereas he doesn't. So I can see why he doesn't want the OP to take him, he wants his Dad that he doesn't live with all the time. How is that unreasonable?

I really can't see why anyone would think that is not reasonable??

Why is it so important to take turns when a 3 year old will place no significance or important on who takes them.

@starfishmummy

I'm sure my DH would prefer not to have to take 3yo dancing or to football, (not sure which hobby is whos) at all. 3yo will get over it.

Your DH isn't OPs though so what relevance is that? Not all Dad's are as disinterested in their kids as your husband 🤷‍♀️

3 year olds hobby - dad actively involved and spending time engaging with child, dad and child enjoy this time together.
9 year olds hobby - dad drives her there then sits outside. The quality time element of this happens later, which dad could still do after the younger child's class.

Can people really, truly, honestly not see why dad wants that time with his 3 year old?

Can't people not see why pushing back taking turns then stopping in a few weeks might make things even worse?

In your position I would spoil DSC rotten afterwards - eg take him for a coffee / cake / sweetshop / macdonalds afterwards. Maybe go to the playground too.

9 year old is going to think they get priority over 3 year old for DH's time if they get given priority over 3 year old for DH's time. How are they ever going to learn they have a sibling now and that means sharing Dad's time if they never have to share Dad's time, it shouldn't be oh! 9 year old is here I shall drop the 3 year old.

Why is it so important to take turns when a 3 year old will place no significance or important on who takes them they will as they get older and realise every time 9 year old was there they were ditched.

@Wole

9 year old is going to think they get priority over 3 year old for DH's time if they get given priority over 3 year old for DH's time. How are they ever going to learn they have a sibling now and that means sharing Dad's time if they never have to share Dad's time, it shouldn't be oh! 9 year old is here I shall drop the 3 year old.

The dad could drop the 3 yo every weekend and the 9 yo would still not believe she has priority because she only gets to see her dad on weekends.

If 9 year old gets to go with dad every time there's a demand on his time from both then the 9 year old will get a sense of superiority.

The dad could drop the 3 yo every weekend and the 9 yo would still not believe she has priority because she only gets to see her dad on weekends.

It doesn't make it the right thing to do though

The dad could drop the 3 yo every weekend and the 9 yo would still not believe she has priority because she only gets to see her dad on weekends.

IF a child felt like that, then the worst thing the adults can do is indulge it and overcompensate.

Getting dad’s full attention every time the child is with him isn’t helping the child. How will they ever learn to move on with those dynamics?

*a) the 3 year old is too young to remember and so wont resent it^

Nope. You're wrong. I have vivid memories long before I was 3. And I'm not alone:

www.verywellmind.com/earliest-memories-start-at-age-two-and-a-half-study-finds-5189856

You remember when things change. The unusual, the traumatic and the wondrous.

@SpaceshiptoMars by that logic the dad should be spending time with his 9yo who is feeling change at their other home... yeah it sucks that you sometimes have to shore up any problems caused by your ex but thems the breaks in blended families, right?

No idea how it will be shoring up anything of the dad still won't be actually spending time with the child during their class. It's just indulgence and sending the wrong messages.