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Original poster

Hobbies causing divide

116 replies

dorris88 · 14/09/2021 16:08

DH has 9yo DC who has a hobby. We have 3YO DC who also has a hobby.

Contact has changed slightly to accommodate DSC mums work but has meant DH will miss all of our DC classes to take his DC to their hobby. He was gutted that he was going to miss out of our DC, so I said we could alternate each week! DSC is basically a drop off and hang about for an hour - no involvement. Our DC hobby is very interactive and DH absolutely loves it. He does hobbies on school nights also with DSC.

However - DSC has kicked off at this suggestion. They are going through a bit of an attention phase which usually happens when something is going on at their other home so we do empathise. However, our DC would like their dad to come with them too.

Anyway - it was left that we will alternate. All I face now is that awkward journey with DSC where they wont want me there (we get on really well its lovely) but when they are in these phases they tend to only be happy when glued to Dad.

The natural answer would be to let DH take DSC every week, until the phase ends but this has currently been ongoing for 5 months - the mum and partner split often but this has been for a long time.

Its a hard toss between what's fair which I think i am constantly battling as SM.

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Wole · 14/09/2021 21:50

DSC's is a drop off and pick up and DH does a hobby with them during the week. They need to learn they share their dad.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/09/2021 21:50

I'm sure intact families don't give all the hobby time to the eldest child these days, just because. The days of primogeniture are over, unless you happen to have blue blood.

bogoffmda · 14/09/2021 22:54

Thanks OP - explains it, could not get my head around it the day change explains it all
DSC needs to suck it up

Littlepaws18 · 14/09/2021 22:55

@SpaceshiptoMars

I'm sure intact families don't give all the hobby time to the eldest child these days, just because. The days of primogeniture are over, unless you happen to have blue blood.
Lol love a bit of Norman history weaving it's way into advice!
Littlepaws18 · 14/09/2021 23:00

Though as a step parent myself I wouldn't encourage him to have daddy time at another point. It won't help in the long run and it divides the family, especially when you see little of him. We are currently going though this with one of our DSC. and are encouraging him to participate more in family life rather than reject it. It's all political motivated (he feels a strong sense of loyalty to his mom, she has told him many toxic adult things which has absolutely messed with his head, he wants to be happy at ours but feels that it would upset his mum if he is- he has a youth worker who told us all of this).

I'm sure your situation is completely different to above but I wouldn't get into a routine of separate time outside of hobbies- it will cause a whole other issue!

coodawoodashooda · 15/09/2021 00:29

The 9 year old is not coping. The 9 year old is seeking security and routine. The 3 year old isn't and would be more easily placated doing something else whilst the 9 year benefits from secure and reliable structure.

Wole · 15/09/2021 06:33

@coodawoodashooda

The 9 year old is not coping. The 9 year old is seeking security and routine. The 3 year old isn't and would be more easily placated doing something else whilst the 9 year benefits from secure and reliable structure.
It is a routine. Every other time with dad, every other time with SM.
Pinkyxx · 15/09/2021 08:57

In my family we did hobbies on different day, no one child could have a hobby on the same day as a sibling. We all therefore had to compromise. Since contact changed I don't think it's unreasonable for the 9 yr old to have someone other than Dad take them the week their Mum used to. May take some time to DSC to get used to a new routine, and that's understandable but it's equally important that one child's needs aren't at the expense of another.

I think it would be a mistake to let your DH take him both weeks as it send the wrong message. Compromise is a very important lesson to learn.

CornishGem1975 · 15/09/2021 09:39

@coodawoodashooda

Your 3 year old has a hobby?
What's so weird about that? My 18-month-old has a regular physical activity he does with his dad every week, they love it. Nice attempt at derailing.
Beamur · 15/09/2021 09:46

@PeeAche

3 year olds do swimming etc all the time. Normal. Classic attempt to derail thread, wind up OP and encourage her to say something she’ll regret.

OP, I suggest that you allow DSC a few extra hobby weeks with DH where he can gently talk to his kid about everything that is going on and introduce them to the new normal. Because kids often have their own idea of what is “fair” Grin and it does sounds like DSC needs a little extra TLC at the moment. Sometimes it’s just about responding to a child’s needs in the short term and not about dividing time up exactly. One day it might be your own DC that is going through something and needs some extra fuss.

This is what I would do too. Give it a few weeks, give DSC some additional reassurance and then introduce an alternative week arrangement. Can you all meet afterwards maybe? Do something as a family?
Youseethethingis · 15/09/2021 10:38

So not only do 3 year olds not have hobbies, they also don't benefit the same way from routine and spending quality time with their fathers.
This thread is very illuminating indeed.

RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 10:47

@Youseethethingis

So not only do 3 year olds not have hobbies, they also don't benefit the same way from routine and spending quality time with their fathers. This thread is very illuminating indeed.
You forgot the child(ren) from the golden uterus take priority...
SpaceshiptoMars · 15/09/2021 10:54

Beware the curse of the little emperor!
time.com/4094027/china-little-emperor/

"In local lore, the little emperor is a pudgy, pale beast, gorging on Kentucky Fried Chicken and video games, so coddled that he—he is, all too likely to be a he, not a she—can hardly do anything without adult intervention. "

funinthesun19 · 15/09/2021 11:32

Your 3 year old has a hobby?

Oh yes we can’t have second children doing normal childhood things can we?

Wole · 15/09/2021 11:47

My LO's hobby is hiding socks. I expect dad to help facilitate this even when the DSC are here not suddenly show no interest in LO every other weekend.

Tattler2 · 15/09/2021 12:34

Football seems to be more of a seasonal sport while dancing is more of a year round activity. Why not do fall -winter with one kid and then reserve and do summer - spring with the other kid?

At age 3 we were exposing the kids to a variety of activities to help them explore and decide . It was not until ages 7 or 8 that they had developed enough interest on their own to begin to articulate that they liked anything enough to pursue it as a possible hobby.

There is enough time in any given year to do a reasonable split or enough of a split so that did gets to see each kid engaged in whatever activities.

CornishGem1975 · 15/09/2021 12:50

God I wish football was seasonal - it's all year round here @Tattler2 If they're not playing league matches, they're playing friendlies or training.

CornishGem1975 · 15/09/2021 12:51

@funinthesun19

Your 3 year old has a hobby?

Oh yes we can’t have second children doing normal childhood things can we?

Nope! Don't forget their position in life as second class citizens because they're not from the first marriage.
RedMarauder · 15/09/2021 12:55

@Tattler2 you forgot on MN fathers and children have secret hobbies as they are outing.

The tedious outing hobbies for fathers tend to be cycling and golf. Though other tedious sports plus role playing are available.

Youseethethingis · 15/09/2021 13:13

6 months with one, 6 with the other makes no sense when the perfectly sensible solution of taking a turn each week is there. Especially for young kids for whom 6 months is an absolute age.

Wole · 15/09/2021 13:30

@Youseethethingis

6 months with one, 6 with the other makes no sense when the perfectly sensible solution of taking a turn each week is there. Especially for young kids for whom 6 months is an absolute age.
Agree. Just take it in turns. Also means there is regular times with dad taking them to hobby so time for chats in the car etc rather than waiting 6 months.
Original poster
dorris88 · 15/09/2021 13:38

Yeah I mean it's gone a bit off course haha both dancing and football are term time activities where I am, also I wouldn't never go 6 months without taking my DC dancing. I also wouldn't want to spend 6 months of Saturday mornings stood st football 😂 sounds like hell.

OP posts:
CrumpetsForAll · 15/09/2021 15:07

Yeah but the 3yo always gets one of their parents to take them. The 9yo gets either their parent or someone they’re less close to- at a time when they need a bit more tlc. I know your DH will be sad not to see his 3yo for a bit but turns the breaks when one kid’s need is greater

Wole · 15/09/2021 15:09

@CrumpetsForAll

Yeah but the 3yo always gets one of their parents to take them. The 9yo gets either their parent or someone they’re less close to- at a time when they need a bit more tlc. I know your DH will be sad not to see his 3yo for a bit but turns the breaks when one kid’s need is greater
Thats because the 3 year old's parents working patterns allow this. The 9 year old's dont.
Wole · 15/09/2021 15:10

3 year old shouldn't miss out on time with dad due to someone else's mum's working pattern. That's ridiculous.