Hobbies causing divide

[dorris88]

DH has 9yo DC who has a hobby. We have 3YO DC who also has a hobby.

Contact has changed slightly to accommodate DSC mums work but has meant DH will miss all of our DC classes to take his DC to their hobby. He was gutted that he was going to miss out of our DC, so I said we could alternate each week! DSC is basically a drop off and hang about for an hour - no involvement. Our DC hobby is very interactive and DH absolutely loves it. He does hobbies on school nights also with DSC.

However - DSC has kicked off at this suggestion. They are going through a bit of an attention phase which usually happens when something is going on at their other home so we do empathise. However, our DC would like their dad to come with them too.

Anyway - it was left that we will alternate. All I face now is that awkward journey with DSC where they wont want me there (we get on really well its lovely) but when they are in these phases they tend to only be happy when glued to Dad.

The natural answer would be to let DH take DSC every week, until the phase ends but this has currently been ongoing for 5 months - the mum and partner split often but this has been for a long time.

Its a hard toss between what's fair which I think i am constantly battling as SM.

For those saying the 3 year old won't notice or care, firstly you're wrong and secondly, what about the dad? Maybe he wants to have that time with his 3 year old as well.

Why should the younger child miss out on the quality time with his father?

Oh I forgot, silly me.

[quote CrumpetsForAll]@SpaceshiptoMars by that logic the dad should be spending time with his 9yo who is feeling change at their other home... yeah it sucks that you sometimes have to shore up any problems caused by your ex but thems the breaks in blended families, right?[/quote]
He will be spending time with them, every other week he will drive DSC to their hobby. They will then do their hobby and then be driven back. I mean how much time is that do we know? 30 mins each way maybe? They'll get an hour with dad after LO has gone to bed anyway probably.

Oh for all that is holy. I want to shake people.

If you don't teach your children to share and it's normal not to get your way all the time, your going to have a problem on your hands. That lack of life skill and add a dash one child has more "right" to dads time or anything, you create a entitled little monster.

That child turns into a adult, goes into the world thinking the world revolves around them. Sadly that adult hasn't learnt lessons they should have learn as a child and at best life gives them a good kicking. At worst.. they get so cross at the world and start taking that anger out at others giving them good kicking blaming everyone else for their own misery.

Entitled adults, were once children who never heard two words, no and share.

It is not the hobbies causing the divide. In many intact families, the convenience and schedules of the parents determines who ferries whom to practices and activities. It does not sound as though either activity/hobby requires parent participation. In an intact family no one would question and raise an eyebrow over 1 parent taking 1 child and the other parent taking the other child. The question would never come to the table, and as long as each child got to attend the activity of choice the method of transport would be of no consequence. It seems a bit unusual for a 3 year old to be so vested in the issue of who drives them to a practice of any kind.

The 9 year old has to go to his second home to spend time with his parent and it is at least understandable that he might be vested in spending as much of that time as possible with his dad. My kids may have been duds ,but at age 3, we pretty much put them in the car and took them wherever they were going. It don't ever recall them ever questioning why one parent vs the other was taking them to an activity.

Perhaps, the 3 year old's vested interest in who takes her to dance class may not be quite as significant as the mom is thinking. Is the 3_year old so vested in equitable treatment that she questions whether dad goes over to her brother's other house to wish him a good night each not or that he stops over on the occasional evening to have dinner with her brother? These may be issues of some interest to a 3 year old that is experiencing time and activity equity concerns.

And of course I am being a trifle ridiculous, but it is also possible that the suggestion that a 3 year old is being significantly bothered by time and activity equity is also a trifle ridiculous.

I don't think you would be having this conversation really if you weren't in a blended family.

Of course not, because either mum would be taking one child and dad takes the other, or they swap.

In a non blended family, both kids would have one of their parents there.

Why is it so important to take turns when a 3 year old will place no significance or important on who takes them
they will as they get older and realise every time 9 year old was there they were ditched.

If their mum is there why would they feel ditched?

Plus as they get older, activities may stop or change..kids don't always want parents there they get older. With the 6 year age gap, they'll be doing different stuff and it'll be a non issue at the little one gets older.

In addition, the activities won't always be on the same day.

In all honesty resident and non resident kids both get less of one or both of their parents in different ways.

A resident child may have less time if dad is focusing on SC and the stepchild sees dad half the time or less, so they're missing out too.

Blended/step families can be crap for all the kids.

@Tattler2

I agree with your last post.

@Tattler2 - the issue as I see it is not one of whether or not the 3 year old will notice if it's mum or dad spending hobby time with them, but rather that the current situation is setting a precedent. That precedent dictates that dad give all his attention to dss & his hobbies & none to ds when dss is around. The longer this goes on the more the dss will assume the right to all dads free time. In as much as the dad has two children & needs to share his time between them, the dss also has a sibling and needs to learn & accept that dad has to divide his time between him & his sibling.
I'm all for nr children getting 121 time with their parent, but it doesn't need to be every access time & nor should it be to the detriment of everyone else in the household.
I also believe that while these situations can be hard on nrc they are also very hard on rc who have to learn to share their space & parents with children who come & go 'disrupting' the rhythm and flow of the house they live in 24/7.
No set of children - either nrc or rc - have it better than the other in these situations & while it's difficult, I do believe parents need to learn where the line between ensuring the nrc get enough attention crosses over into the nrc being treated like celebrities & their presence dictating the running of the entire house.
This seems to be something nrp's are woefully bad at in general & is the cause of so much grief in blended families.

@Magda72
A very simple solution might be for dad to set up a designated time for his daughter to demonstrate for him the things that she learned in dance on that particular day. This could be dad and daughter show time and for that brief period all of his attention is focused on the daughter. She becomes the star of her own show.

Few things are particularly easy when raising children . None of us get how to books or tailored lesson plans. There are so many very real issues that I do not think that anyone benefits for magnifying simple issues in an attempt to make them more significant than is warranted.

On thing that I have learned is that rarely is there a need to magnify insignificant or non starters, because in most lives there are enough real issues that do require and warrant significant concern and attention.

Right thing thing is we have the very specifics laid out to us - we aren't in a hypothetical situation - dad used to take DDS to dance one week and mum the other week.

Contact changed so now they have DSD every weekend and the expectation from DSD is that dad will take them every week regardless of any other plans.
Unfortunately dad previously on week (off) had committed to spending time with the 3 year old doing whatever (insert hobby). This worked and was fair.

The expectation that 3 year old should move aside and lose that solo time with dad is a little unreasonable DSD part. As it would be as part of any family. If this situation was flipped around and DSD was losing contact time people would be losing their minds even if DSD was three. What needs to happen is DSD has it explained that actually a) nothings going to change re travel to hobby, just on weekends mum used to take you, SM will take you. They can do something fun that's age appropriate on way there that's girl time.

In a regular family you wouldn't apologise for having to split your attention between children, it would just be explained. It's also not something blended families need to do.

Each child should get one on one quality solo time that's equal. Just because the 3 year old is always at home doesn't mean they get any one on one solo time with dad during week, as the OP has explained her DH hours and it's clear that this is the case due to his working hours.

I don't subscribe to the whole you live in the house so quality time is sleeping in same place esp in the hours the OP describes with her DH

The weekend is time should be carved up fairly. Which is what OP and DH are doing. They have explained to DSD ok the pattern that remained, will stay the same regardless of contact increasing. Switching out mum for SM on those weekends now they have SD so freeing dad up to spend one one with three year old.

This isn't about validity of hobbies of either child or if the child will remember or if the child will soon drop the hobby.

It's about being fair and acknowledging that all children have a right to quality one on one with their parents. It's a dangerous and harmful message to both children if one takes president over another. It's setting the siblings up for failure later in life. It's a life skill to be taught that the worlds axel doesn't float on just one person. Frankly no one needs to apologise for split families, so don't, make it fair and communicate .

I say this as a mum with my DD having similar situation on flip side. I'm glad that SM is willing to take and engage with DD as that's what's best for DD but then I don't harbour any grudge towards my ex and I acknowledge that my DD has gained a sibling and she's thrilled. All children need to learn about balance.

@Tattler2 just for clarity

DSC hobby - football - is standing and watching which is still enjoyable.

DC hobby - dancing - the guardian participates dances with them and gets 100% involved - therefore providing parent with a great bonding experience when you've been working all week 🙃

Anyway, thanks to all the comments we will be alternating. DSC always wants me to take them places usually, even if I'm just going to Tesco lol.

I think her reaction was simply that she expected because she's here both Saturdays dad would do both Saturdays forgetting that on Saturdays she werent here, life goes on and we have other commitments.

Seems every other Saturday il be standing around for an hour in the winter but with the promise of Starbucks after both of us will be happy lol 😅!

For those of you who think 3 year olds don't matter in this situation, I feel sad for yours. At every age a child is equally significant to both parents for different reasons. The foundations of an adults behaviours are built from between 3 & 5 and my DD is almost 4. I don't want her to grow up needy, seeking attention as an adult because her parents thought what she wanted didn't matter when she was 3 👍🏻

OP I’m assuming your DH was approached by the EXW in the first place to ask about changing your regular childcare arrangements due to her work.

Did your DH point out at this time that every Saturday would interfere with him attending your DCs activity, or has he agreed to change the contact time and take your DSC to their activity without realising the impact?

I only ask as DSC may be under the impression DH had agreed to take them every week and is now back tracking

If this situation was flipped around and DSD was losing contact time people would be losing their minds even if DSD was three.

Totally agree. So people should stop clinging on to the fact that OP’s dc is 3 and using it as a (strawman) argument as it’s a red herring.

DSC just needs to suck it up and be told off if she is rude to you in the car, tbh. I'd take her for a treat if she's showing willing but make it clear bad attitude isn't acceptable.

[quote dorris88]@Tattler2 just for clarity

DSC hobby - football - is standing and watching which is still enjoyable.

DC hobby - dancing - the guardian participates dances with them and gets 100% involved - therefore providing parent with a great bonding experience when you've been working all week 🙃[/quote]
This is very important. My DD is (almost) 3 and it does matter who spends time with her. She gets set in her ways and because a lot of things were primarily done by me at one point, she really struggles to adapt to doing them with her dad. He has to work really hard to bond with her, it is important he be involved in things when he can.

Seems every other Saturday il be standing around for an hour in the winter but with the promise of Starbucks after both of us will be happy lol

Great result.

For those of you who think 3 year olds don't matter in this situation, I feel sad for yours. At every age a child is equally significant to both parents for different reasons.

People weren't saying a 3 year old doesn't matter. They're more saying they won't remember or be at a loss, because they have at least one parent there, as opposed to SC, who would potentially have none of her parents watching her.

It's never ideal for anyone in a blended family.