You don't get to have the PFB experience

[YeDaisy]

Am I being unreasonable to think it's utter BS when people say this on here?

I appreciate that some things are different by way of the fact that there are other DC in the home, but as a SM who had her first DC with DH who has older children, I definitely did still feel 'entitled' to enjoy the firsts of my baby.

You see it in response to things like SMs being expected to spend their maternity leave looking after DSC all the time etc...

@Tattler2 I actually find your opinions revolting. You think that a grandparent should treat a baby it young child in the way they perceive that their Dil years the step child?

Fucking bizzarre and disgusting.

My own in laws definitely love ds, but spend barely any time with him. He certainly isn't having the same experience as DSS did. Dss got abroad holidays, babysat every weekend, whole family invited around for tea every sunday. We've never had that and it's certainly nothing to do with my behaviour. It's their favouritism for dss and poor poor ex because she's single and needy (she's not needy shes raking it in for a child who's barely with her)

My own in laws definitely love ds, but spend barely any time with him. He certainly isn't having the same experience as DSS did.

You do have to factor age in. Young grandparents have so much more energy still to put in. Let another decade roll by, and the joints are getting stiffer, the eyes are getting dimmer, the NHS appointments (ha!) stack up and practicalities intervene. Also, people age at vastly different rates - some are living in front of the TV in their fifties while others are still riding bicycles in their nineties.

@SpaceshiptoMars

My own in laws definitely love ds, but spend barely any time with him. He certainly isn't having the same experience as DSS did.

You do have to factor age in. Young grandparents have so much more energy still to put in. Let another decade roll by, and the joints are getting stiffer, the eyes are getting dimmer, the NHS appointments (ha!) stack up and practicalities intervene. Also, people age at vastly different rates - some are living in front of the TV in their fifties while others are still riding bicycles in their nineties.

They have only just turned 60! Don't excuse them on age. They travel round the country most weekends doing their hobby so let's not pretend they're old and can't possibly make the effort to spend time with him. They could. They simply choose not to.

They have only just turned 60! Don't excuse them on age.

I've never met them! It's just a possibility! Also a possibility that the clock is ticking on a health issue you know nothing about, and they are having a last hurrah. Employers are reluctant to take people on past 60, because that is when things start to go wrong.

My point is, that you are taking their behaviour personally. And it may have absolutely nothing to do with either you or your beloved DS. If one of them suddenly dropped dead, you could find you've wasted all your emotions for nothing. (My Dad kept his heart issues close to his chest, and went at that age).

@SpaceshiptoMars

They have only just turned 60! Don't excuse them on age.

I've never met them! It's just a possibility! Also a possibility that the clock is ticking on a health issue you know nothing about, and they are having a last hurrah. Employers are reluctant to take people on past 60, because that is when things start to go wrong.

My point is, that you are taking their behaviour personally. And it may have absolutely nothing to do with either you or your beloved DS. If one of them suddenly dropped dead, you could find you've wasted all your emotions for nothing. (My Dad kept his heart issues close to his chest, and went at that age).

It's really not a possibility, we'd know.

Yes, I am taking their behaviour personally and frankly your be stupid not to because it is personal. I guarentee if his ex had a baby they'd be very involved even though it would be of no relation to them.

If one of them dropped dead I imagine the other would become very reliant on us because it would be convenient for them and the hobby would stop and the ex wouldn't provide any support.

I loathe being lectured by someone who doesn't know them on how it isn't personal etc etc. I know them. You don't.

I loathe being lectured by someone who doesn't know them on how it isn't personal etc etc. I know them. You don't.

Okay. You don't know me either, so you don't understand that my purpose was not to lecture you I can see that you're in pain and I was trying to lance the boil. I apologise for trying and failing.

I guarentee if his ex had a baby they'd be very involved even though it would be of no relation to them.

My exMIL said, “It’s not the child’s fault.” when questioned by my ex why she would even contemplate on taking his ex’s child for a day out when she takes dsc.

The irony of that statement though. She never took my children out (her actual grandchildren) and that child was the same age as one of my children. It was a huge slap in the face and I can never work out if she was being deliberately goady and knew exactly what she was saying to cause upset, or was just fucking thoughtless and obtuse and needed it all spelling out to her. Either way that statement spoke volumes to me.

I’m neither agreeing or disagreeing with the comments above, but wanted to add something relating to my grandparents since it’s similar. No blended families involved. They have 4 grand daughters. Myself (oldest) and my cousin (7 years younger than me). Then a relatively large gap before my cousin’s two youngest sisters (13 and 15 years younger than me). Grandparents took me and my elder cousin on trips and had us for many overnight visits. The younger pair of my cousins did not receive the same attention. I’m not saying this as an excuse but as a fact, by the time the younger two reached the equivalent ages, my grandparents had less money, poorer mobility, and (as they stated themselves), a hard time handing sleepover visits from two young kids close in age and three kids at a time (= my three cousins who are al sisters).

The disparity caused tremendous resentment from my two youngest cousins and their mother. To the point where their mother (my uncle’s wife) treated me in very
bizarre ways, I guess to turn the tables and put me in situations where I was “less favored.” Since my grandparents were the financial and emotional resource that they wanted to keep close, they displaced their anger and blame onto me instead. I don’t know why they held me responsible! As a child I certainly wasn’t sitting at my grandmother’s knee whispering in her ear to exclude my two younger cousins! I’m glad that my two younger cousins and I have a good relationship now and can talk honestly about how our childhoods differed. They still have some differences with their oldest sister.

My grandparents started precedents of treatment with me, and then the firstborn of my cousins, of financial and emotional
investment they could not maintain 15 years later. When these precedents (trips and sleepovers) started, my younger cousins hadn’t even been born. Who is to blame when family resources change and there is less to go around? And when things are separated in time? How exactly should have my grandparents set aside money for equal
vacations for an unknown number of future unborn grandkids? Were they to blame for their financial situation changing? For getting older? Did they renege on an unwritten contract to provide each grandchild with the same level of experience? Is this a “PFB” situation where my experience was that of being an only grandchild (then one of two), whereas the younger two had a different experience, that of being grandchildren in a larger crowd? How could the younger two have been given the experience of being “only grandchildren?” Were my grandparents (and me) to blame for them not receiving it?

I have no answers here other to say that it caused a lot of anger in my family. And that everyone should be careful about setting precedents because they will become expectations later, regardless of who was alive or not alive when the precedent was set.

I've had a conversation with my parents regarding their relationships with any future grandchildren they may have, from either myself or my brother. They simply won't have the same relationship with these unborn hypothetical children because of all the reasons described above. Plus Covid and serious ill health on my part have meant that they have looked after DS alot and their house is another home to him. Circumstances move on.
It would be stupid to say "oh no, must not help our daughter even though we are ready, willing and able to do so, in case some children who aren't conceived yet take the huff in 10 years time".
In my mother in law's case, we have never asked anything of her except that she visit sometimes. She was given an open invitation and a full taxi service home by me to facilitate this when ever suited her.
Fact is she has lots of time for DSD, providing full weekends of childcare on occasion, then tells us she can't possibly spare the time to visit her son and grandson.
She doesn't have an excuse, and now she doesn't have a grandson. It's as simple as that.

Let me be clear,I would expect to love any and all grandchildren. I would expect to love them all the same and treat them all fairly (does not necessarily equal the same)
Being human, I would probably make me very unhappy to see a child of mine that I had hopefully reared to be a responsible and caring parent voluntarily providing a home where all of his children where treated as intrusive visitors rather than members of the household with equal standing.

My extended family members are loving, nurturing, warm and giving and yet their is no sense of entitlement. Children are loved and welcomed be they number 1 or number 21. It is a bit disingenuous to know that my interests, activities, physical capabilities, financial resources, hobbies , desire and ability to travel have changed over time but to recognize that my parents and other family go through the same change processes. If I at 40 have long passed the stage where I want or enjoy infant and toddler activities ,why would it be unreasonable to think that grandparents do not reach a stage where they no longer enjoy those activities? That has nothing to do with their ability to love and everything to do with normal life progression.

I am only expressing an opinion. I am not seeking converts. However, if you find it difficult to accept the opinion and thoughts of a stranger on an anonymous Internet forum, you might wonder just how open to discussion and differing opinions are you in your everyday real world experiences?

I can accept that it is your opinion at the same time as thinking you're talking alot of nonsense and usually about something different to everyone else on the thread.
I don't expect my MIL to take DS to soft play or engage in toddler activities or do everything exactly the same as with DSD. She can't. Circumstances are different. The simple fact is that she can't be bothered with him at all.
I'm sure she tells people she loves him, but Tattler, you, a stranger on the internet residing thousands of miles away have seen and spoken to my son as many times as she has in the year 2021. Think of that?
Why are you not open to my opinion that she's just not a very good grand mother to my son? What can't you accept what I'm saying? Do you have some stuff to reflect on?

@Youseethethingis
Of course your son's grandmother may be a horrible person. There are many not very nice people in the world. Generally they are not very nice in most aspects of their life.

I am not defending your MIl. You have the benefit of first hand experience with her. My point is simply that there are so many ways for people to act and so very many reasons that people choose to act in the manner that they do.

Your MIL may just be among that group of not very nice people. If she falls into that category, it is likely that she is less than nice to many people and it is not your child's status but rather her basic personality that guides her behavior.

She's not a horrible person. She's very petty and probably more than a little bit stupid, but not horrible.
It's status, I believe. When I was pregnant, she couldn't stress enough how DSD was so special to her because she was there when she was born blah blah blah (ex is NC with her mother). So I think her nose was out of joint that she isn't DS only Gran and it was my mum who was there when I gave birth (as much a support to DH as me, as he is a fainter).
Effectively, after having only sons herself, MIL has had her PFB with DSD. And there isn't room for any more, especially boys and especially boys with very involved maternal grandmothers.

@whatthejiggeries

How on earth can you have a PFB experience with someone who has already had a child. You just can't. The first child is an amazing and unique experience that turns your life upside down. It doesn't mean you love the others any less but you can't have that experience again.

You can't have quite that experience, if you have already had children - but you can definitely have something akin to it. My XH was a complete disaster (do not wish to go into it here, but it wasn't good) - but he had a long gap between the last child of his first marriage being born, and the first child of our marriage being born. The latter was and still is an archetypal PFB.

When i was a SM many years ago. Marriage broke down, thankfully. I had to look after 3 under 5 and my DSS, run a house and work. My DH was useless but the ex wife, who only had the one child, expected me to look after DSS at weekends and holidays as she was exhausted. I almost had a breakdown in the end and went from 11 stone to 7.3. That's when i left.

Seeleyboo that sounds really tough and I’m so glad you got out of that situation. Nobody deserves that.