You don't get to have the PFB experience

[YeDaisy]

Am I being unreasonable to think it's utter BS when people say this on here?

I appreciate that some things are different by way of the fact that there are other DC in the home, but as a SM who had her first DC with DH who has older children, I definitely did still feel 'entitled' to enjoy the firsts of my baby.

You see it in response to things like SMs being expected to spend their maternity leave looking after DSC all the time etc...

This is what worries me tbh. I'm hopeful to TTC in the next few months and have a DSS and know as soon as his mother finds out all hell will break loose. Even though every single thing DSS owns we bought, she will still claim dp doesn't care about his first child. She wrote to child maintenance for more money even though we have DSS 50/50 and buy everything and CM told her actually she's entitled to much less than she's getting off us. Yet I've had many people on threads here telling me that me and dp are vile and doing the bare minimum and even though she left him, he shouldn't have moved on. It's insane how SMS are targeted here.

Life only permits one first for everyone with every experience. That is not a situation in place for SMs alone. That is one of the few universals in life. You cannot have the virginal wedding night experience if you have already engaged in sex. You cannot have a first love more than once,etc.

A man can have a different birth experience with each child, but he cannot have a first experience more than once.

If the OP is having her first child, she will have her first pregnancy experience regardless of her partner's parental experience and status.

There is no universal first pregnancy experience. A 16 year old unwed teen does not have the same first pregnancy experience as a well prepared financially secure 25 year old having her first pregnancy. The parents of a man who has produced 3 children are far less likely to be excited about child number 4 than they were about child number 1 or even child number 2. They are less likely to be interested in hosting or attending a shower for child number 4. None of these things are unique to be a SM or having your first baby. These are just normal responses to the natural queuing order.

The OP and her partner will love their child and can make whatever preparations that they wish to make. No one can force a woman to keep or care for children that are not hers after childbirth be it after the first or the fifth birth. This issues only become problematic if you are a person inclined to think that the opinions or expectations of others somehow define or dictate your actions.

@ShaneTheThird you need to ignore them as they don't know everything about your life.

Have to agree with lunar.

The parent who already has kids can not do the experience again and it does change the experince for their new DP.

What I hate is the absolute snidey bitchy comments about how much better it is and how they are enjoying this childhood better than before. Some may be true but it smacks of one upmanship and is just nasty.

"Some fathers, like my own DP and some others I know, didn't experience a good pregnancy, birth etc with their older child(ren). This is for various reasons including the fact that they weren't as hands on"

Yes sometimes they were not as mature and have now grown up. Might also be a time for them to realise how unsupportive they were to their EX.

Both mine ended up on NICU - stressful, difficult and no Precious new born experience for me or him. However, what my DCS did nto needed to hear from their SM was that their Dad was enjoying their DCs childhood so much because they had been premature and ill.

Personally I think the whole concept is bollocks and every child is different and equally precious

I think it's obvious there will be some differences and it's obvious it'll be different for the parent who already has children from the previous relationship, it's not their first no one is disputing that.

I think the situation I dislike on here is as has been described already, where SMs are told they aren't allowed to do X Y or Z because of DSC.

I've seen threads here where SMs have been told they should cancel taking their baby to groups because their DSC need taking to school and they don't get to have the "PFB experience" of spending their mat leave going to baby groups etc... Being told they should look after DSC all summer holidays because "they are at home with the baby anyway and don't get the PFB experience". That's so wrong imo. SMs mat leave is not a free for all and, unless she offers it, parents should carry on doing what they would have had to do for their kids if she were in work. She absolutely should get to have that experience with her DC.

My mat leave was precious, valued time I got to spend with my DC. Yes I spent it going to baby groups, baby swimming, meeting with other friends who'd had babies, napping in the day when baby did and not having lunch till 3pm etc... If someone had told me I wasn't allowed to do that because I should be offering full time school holiday club to my DSCs because I'm not allowed that experience I'd have told them to go screw themselves!

Both mine ended up on NICU - stressful, difficult and no Precious new born experience for me or him. However, what my DCS did nto needed to hear from their SM was that their Dad was enjoying their DCs childhood so much because they had been premature and ill.

@bogoffmda that was pretty horrid both for you and them. I'd guess that missile wasn't really aimed at you, but at the in-laws? They were ignoring/minimizing the arrival of the new grandchild? It sounds like push back, to me, to some of the crap SMs get when they dare to have their own baby - and you were collateral damage.

It seems that many people who have what they view as negative first pregnancy experiences as SMs are people who tend to evaluate the quality of the experience based upon the response of others to the pregnancy and birth

@Tattler2

It seems that many people who have what they view as negative first pregnancy experiences as SMs are people who tend to evaluate the quality of the experience based upon the response of others to the pregnancy and birth

Were you born with this useful level of detachment, or do you have a technique you could share?

I'd venture to suggest that the response of the immediate family to a pregnancy and birth (the father, grandparents, siblings) would have a large influence on how most people would measure the quality of their experience. We are a tribal species after all. Apart from some notable exceptions, obviously.

Tribal though we maybe. Families are rarely as collectively exited over the birth of child number 3 or 4 as the are over the birth of child number 1 or 2 (if you are a royal family in need of an hier and a spare. That is the reason 3rd sons were often encouraged to join the church as clergy or to become farmers. Large families were a necessity when child mortality rates were an issue and when societies were largely agraian and many children were needed to work the farms.

Families tend to love all of the members but at a certain point they move beyond the excitement that comes with the early births. It is not a statement about the value of the child but rather a statement about the sustainability of certain types of enthusiasm.

It is unlikely that Gates or Besos felt the same enthusiasm for the second or third billion dollars that they felt when they reached the first billion. Obviously, they want many billions and keep striving to attain but we are not wired to sustain the same levels of excitement over time for a repetitive event.

It is not detachment that makes us aware of this phenomenon ,but it is the understanding of the response that allows us not to have our own personal excitement diminished but what are the perfectly normal responses of others.

I'm not sure that it's "excitement" or lack thereof that is at the root of many step mothers concerns to be honest. But yes, the clergy and billionaires etc. Of course.

Is Tattler rambling about something completely irrelevant again?

Spaceship - def not any of that -she was /is just an unmitigated bitch!

It is not a competition and as my EX said - by the third for him nothing was a new discovery. Nor was it for her as it was her third !

It is your new born experience but there is no escaping the fact that your DP - knows more and is probably more relaxed - which makes it more pleasant for everyone.

I know someone expecting her 5th kid and she is over the moon excited hyper.

If anything it helped having had my DH who had done it before as he could reassure me a bit. I spoil my LO as is my right. Only annoying bit is people assuming things are easier when really they are harder as he thinks his way is the right way bit times changed since his other kids were small.

Do men remember the first word their child spoke, first steps, first tooth lost? Do they post first day of school pictures?

...Yes? What kind of shit men do you know who don't remember their child's first word?!

@bogoffmda

Spaceship - def not any of that -she was /is just an unmitigated bitch!

It is not a competition and as my EX said - by the third for him nothing was a new discovery. Nor was it for her as it was her third !

It is your new born experience but there is no escaping the fact that your DP - knows more and is probably more relaxed - which makes it more pleasant for everyone.

Well there is escaping it in a lot of circumstances. As others said, less hands on first time, in my DPs case control freak ex who did things her way and he never agreed, hence the split...

The dynamic with a relaxed DP who feels like it's all old hat is just one possible situation that people on here seem to assume is always the case.

If anything my DP still knows less about kids than I do, as he hasn't actually experienced being primary caregiver for either.

@Hardbackwriter

Do men remember the first word their child spoke, first steps, first tooth lost? Do they post first day of school pictures?

...Yes? What kind of shit men do you know who don't remember their child's first word?!

I must be a really shit woman then because honestly I can't remember.

It is not detachment that makes us aware of this phenomenon ,but it is the understanding of the response that allows us not to have our own personal excitement diminished but what are the perfectly normal responses of others.

@Tattler2
I can have all that logical stuff going around my brain and still feel the hurt in these family disinterest situations. So could you chuck some of that detachment you are so nonchalantly wafting around in my direction please! It would make my life oh so much easier

It's odd isn't it because sp always get slammed on here for being to detached from SC and for "not caring enough" but when it comes to second and third children from a second family. That detachment becomes part of the "what did you expect approach" and totally normal and acceptable.

It's almost as if there's a double standard 🤔

I've seen threads here where SMs have been told they should cancel taking their baby to groups because their DSC need taking to school and they don't get to have the "PFB experience" of spending their mat leave going to baby groups etc... Being told they should look after DSC all summer holidays because "they are at home with the baby anyway and don't get the PFB experience". That's so wrong imo. SMs mat leave is not a free for all and, unless she offers it, parents should carry on doing what they would have had to do for their kids if she were in work. She absolutely should get to have that experience with her DC.

I think it's a bit disingenuous to claim that this is the sort of thread where it usually comes up. The most common time that the 'but you can't have the full PFB experience' line comes up is when the SM wants a newborn bubble with just her and her partner to bond with baby, establish breastfeeding, etc - and wants this facilitated by the SC not visiting. Which is quite a different thing.

I once saw a thread where people were calling a SM ridiculous about for being excited about her toddler reaching milestones and calling her clever.
All because people were pissed off at her not making a fuss about her 15 year old stepdaughter every time she praised her 1 year old DC.

I also saw another thread where a stepmum didn’t want to accept her stepchild’s hand me downs out of the ex wife’s attic. Cot, Moses basket, pram, clothes, etc… and she was actually criticised and told it will upset her stepchild if she doesn’t accept them. Wtf. She wanted her own stuff for her own baby.

Just normal things that parents do, SMs who are mums can’t just enjoy like a normal mum. Always has to be tarnished by adults who are so threatened by the SM just trying to be a mum in her own right. Pathetic.

I once saw a thread where people were calling a SM ridiculous about for being excited about her toddler reaching milestones and calling her clever.
All because people were pissed off at her not making a fuss about her 15 year old stepdaughter every time she praised her 1 year old DC.

I remember that one, so unpleasant.

I remember both those threads. Some posters were so deliberately stupid that I couldn't get worked up about them.