You don't get to have the PFB experience

[YeDaisy]

Am I being unreasonable to think it's utter BS when people say this on here?

I appreciate that some things are different by way of the fact that there are other DC in the home, but as a SM who had her first DC with DH who has older children, I definitely did still feel 'entitled' to enjoy the firsts of my baby.

You see it in response to things like SMs being expected to spend their maternity leave looking after DSC all the time etc...

@Youseethethingis

Relationships evolve and develop over time even with grandparents. Were any of my siblings have a baby today, my parents would not have the same experiences with that child that they had with all of their other grandchildren. My parents often baby sat the older grandkids, they have now moved past a stage where they would be interested in baby sitting or even spending considerable time with an infant or toddler. It is not that they would love the child any less,but they would not be making the same kind of memories. They are now quite involved in the age appropriate activities of the grandkids and none of those activities are things that they would do with a younger kiids or toddlers.

Parents offer are able to do more things for their younger kids than they were able to do for their first kids financially. It does not mean that they loved the younger kids more it just means that resources were better and more plentiful later in the family evolution.

It is somewhat unfair to determine how much your in-laws love one child vs the other or how they should interact with each child. There is one characteristic that my limited reading suggests that it more common among some step mothers and that is the tendency to want to quantify love and consider it some kind of competition.

Growing up in an intact family, I never heard my mother or aunts raise the issue of whether their marriage took precedence over their relationship with their children. I never heard them saying that one or the other of them saying that 1 child was loved or favored more than the other. I never heard my mother ever say that she needed to come first.

May be there is an insecurity of place or standing that some women bring to relationships and then view the evolving process through the lens of insecurity.

Tbh , I doubt if I were to have a child now that I would have the same energy or interest in doing the same things that I was so energized and enthusiastic about doing with my kids when they were infants and toddlers.

My parents often baby sat the older grandkids, they have now moved past a stage where they would be interested in baby sitting or even spending considerable time with an infant or toddler
How incredibly sad. I’m so glad my mother isn’t like this, or my in laws.
I wasn’t aware some people lose interest in their grandchildren the more they have or older they become. My 86 year old grandmother was just as excited when my nephew was recently born (her great grandson) as she was when her grandson (now 46) was born.
I’m grateful to have a family like mine

SpongebobNoPants

My parents are the same. They have just as much interest in my 2 year old as they do my older children, and over the years have poured so much time in to being involved grandparents to them. My 2 year old gets just as much of a look in as the others have always had.
I’m so so glad they’re that way inclined, rather than having a “been there done that” attitude. My children will all have wonderful happy memories of their grandparents that they will all be able to talk about and look back on, and will all be able to look at lovely family pictures of them together when they’re older.

Same can’t be said for exILs. Been there done that very much applies to them. Never mind, my children are bothered right now. But when they’re older they may wonder why they never spent any quality time with their other family but their older sibling did. Especially when the photo albums come out.

*my children AREN’T bothered right now

@SpongebobNoPants
Repeated activity has nothing to do with love. Your patents capacity to be loving and caring has little to do with their willingness to engage in the same activity with each and every child. In fact, at some point , repetitive activities can just be phoned in with no more actual involvement than the daily dusting or watering of plants.

@Tattler2 You know nothing of my parents (or grandparents) excitement over each and every child born into our family. Not everyone is robotic and tires of their grandchildren.
I find your outlook on life and relationships so odd and cold to be honest. You seem to very people as objects rather than sentient, emotive beings.
Comparing later born children to second hand cars or spending time with them like watering plants?
I honestly think you need some serious therapy

I have no doubt that my exILs love my children. They really do. But the effort made with them in comparison to the other grandchildren over the years is very very small. I do find that sad really.

Isn't it possible that much like every thing else in life, there are many routes that lead to the same outcomes. Some of my cousins did not live in the same state as my grandparents and obviously did not get to have the constant interactions that we had with our grandparents, and yet the never seemed to feel less loved or less wanted. At my grandfather's funeral, the most moving statement about their relationship was given by my cousin who grew cup thousands of miles away.

He did not get the sleepovers, zoo trips, or frequent family outings with the grandparents and yet he felt the same love and connection.
Love is felt not by baking cookies or romping in grandmother's back yard but by the nature and quality of the relationship rather than the frequency or type of activities.

Distance makes a difference I get that. My brother is in the Army and lives all the way down south, so the amount of time his children have spent with my parents isn’t as much as what my children have.
But when they live in the same town as 5 grandchildren and only spend meaningful time with 1 of them, it’s just inexcusable really.

Love is felt not by baking cookies or romping in grandmother's back yard but by the nature and quality of the relationship rather than the frequency or type of activities.

But for some children it is. This very much describes the nature of my children’s relationship with my parents, in particular my dad. They would be heartbroken if they barely saw them anymore. Thankfully my parents won’t do that.

The nature and quality of my MILs relationship with DS is nil. She has never really bothered with him. It's not that it's a competition it just that there's such a glaring difference that no amount of wittering about second hand cars or billionaires or clergymen of old is ever going to make me feel that she is a worthy grandmother, or that the fault is mine for being so entitled as to expect my son's grandmother to show an interest in him.

My MIL always seems to feel she has to make up for DSC having a "broken home" so if she fusses over my PFB she then also makes MORE of a fuss over the DSC. To the point it gets awkward becuase they are like..why are you buying us random clothes just becuase the LO has got some.

@Wole

My MIL always seems to feel she has to make up for DSC having a "broken home" so if she fusses over my PFB she then also makes MORE of a fuss over the DSC. To the point it gets awkward becuase they are like..why are you buying us random clothes just becuase the LO has got some.

Good that the children are calling her batshit out.

Some children actually do understand what equality means more than adults.

@PeeAche

My DH and I have tried and tried for a baby but it just isn’t happening for us. I’m the “unexplained infertility” type so I’m already used to biting my tongue when people helpfully suggest eating more pineapple or standing on my head after sex.

It stands me in good stead to bite my tongue when people also tell me it’s “better this way” too. Because now my DH can focus on his children. Because it would be selfish to bring a baby into this situation. And, best of all, because it’s not fair on their mum if her CMS goes down because of me.

The TTC threads can be really vicious on this website.

Mumsnet has been a lifeline for me during lockdowns, but it can be so mean here too. I don’t think that people have any idea that their words can hurt so much. Or how crushingly lonely being a childless SM can be. But hey… you know what you signed up for!

That is utterly disgusting if anyone has actually said those things to do, I'm really sorry you've had to hear such ridiculous things.

It pisses me off so much that the 'older child/first born' is supposed to be treated like a bloody victim. If we didnt have SC but we had 3 children (so all children shared with DP) then the eldest wouldnt be treated like that. They would just be the older sibling and would be expected to perhaps grow up a bit, be more independent etc, not be catered too every time their little siblings are getting some attention.

Also, call me a bitch, but I dont find it 'cute' when SD plays with my little one, if I'm being totally honest it irritates me sometimes but i'm sure id feel totally different if they were both my children.

@harryclr
Maybe you step child's grandparents views her as a victim because she observes or experiences your irritation when her granddaughter attempts to play with her sister. Surely that cannot be an endearing quality to witness in a daughter in-law who has regular interactions with your older grandchild. That behavior would likely bring out the protective instincts in most grandmothers.

Oh but surely the actions of others should have no bearing on how a person conducts themselves towards their own grandchildren?
The MIL is not obliged to like the DIL but I'd argue she is obliged to not be a dick to the younger child.

Maybe you step child's grandparents views her as a victim because she observes or experiences your irritation when her granddaughter attempts to play with her sister. Surely that cannot be an endearing quality to witness in a daughter in-law who has regular interactions with your older grandchild. That behavior would likely bring out the protective instincts in most grandmothers.

Well it’s a pity some of these grandmothers have no protective instincts towards their younger grandchildren when they’re treating them as less important.

@funInthesun19
Is it possible that the grandparent/s may be simply treating the new grandchild in the same manner that they are observing their older grandchild treated in their son's home? It is not impossible that they think that distance and cringing is the manner in which the new mom expects children to be treated in her household. They may in fact be trying to be respectful of her responses to the older grandchild and in turn treat her child in the behavioral manner that she has demonstrated towards their older grandchild.

Rather than being indifferent to the child ,they may be trying to be differential to the parent's demonstrated mode of child treatment.

Also, call me a bitch, but I dont find it 'cute' when SD plays with my little one, if I'm being totally honest it irritates me sometimes but i'm sure id feel totally different if they were both my children. is your LO very little? I found the first year I was extremely overprotective of LO and struggled to leave them alone with LO. I had post natal anxiety though. I struggle with their sense of entitlement, like when they go into LOs room and just borrow a toy when I've been trying to keep LO out of their room.

Tattler previously said
So there was no one who could force either of us to act in anyways contrary to that which we wanted to do regardless of what they might have asked, insisted, or suggested
So this hypothetical MIL must be a very inferior sort of person, mustn't she? To think it a kindness to one child to be unkind to another? Especially as she is more obliged than a step parent to treat them the same as they are all the same relation to her.

A stepmum can absolutely have pfb experience but they can't as a couple. You only get one first in life. Doesn't mean subsequent children are loved any less but a first is a first.

@Willyoujustbequiet

A stepmum can absolutely have pfb experience but they can't as a couple. You only get one first in life. Doesn't mean subsequent children are loved any less but a first is a first.

Depends on the circumstances. If mum and dad split when 1st child is a baby and baby stays with mum mostly then dad is going to get lots of firsts.

Oops posted too soon. Lots of firsts with a 2nd child. The 1st child will be their 1st but the 2nd might be the 1st they see all the milestones for.

[quote Tattler2]@harryclr
Maybe you step child's grandparents views her as a victim because she observes or experiences your irritation when her granddaughter attempts to play with her sister. Surely that cannot be an endearing quality to witness in a daughter in-law who has regular interactions with your older grandchild. That behavior would likely bring out the protective instincts in most grandmothers.[/quote]
Lol its so funny when people on here just outright assume stuff that is so far from the truth. When did I say anything about my in laws? My in laws dont think that at all, if anything they understand a little bit about how difficult it is being with someone who's already had a child with someone else.

I am talking generally, on this forum, on other forums, media, partners/family members etc...why should the child from the previous relationship be treated as a victim when they're not? My point was, the eldest child from a 'nuclear' family doesnt get treated that way.

[quote Tattler2]@funInthesun19
Is it possible that the grandparent/s may be simply treating the new grandchild in the same manner that they are observing their older grandchild treated in their son's home? It is not impossible that they think that distance and cringing is the manner in which the new mom expects children to be treated in her household. They may in fact be trying to be respectful of her responses to the older grandchild and in turn treat her child in the behavioral manner that she has demonstrated towards their older grandchild.

Rather than being indifferent to the child ,they may be trying to be differential to the parent's demonstrated mode of child treatment.[/quote]

Tattler, come on now, this is ridiculous, they are ALL her DGC! All with an equal link to her via her son, just with different mothers. How on earth can it be justified that the DGM treats one DGC differently to the other simply because they have different DM's? Are you really suggesting that the DGM should be doing some sort of "levelling up" between the DGC because the stepchild does not live in the house? That's not the DGM's role, and if that's the way she chooses to behave, it's the DGC who will suffer in the long run (from their half-siblings being treated preferentially by their DGM, despite having the same level of blood link to their DGM), not the DSM.

Is it possible that the grandparent/s may be simply treating the new grandchild in the same manner that they are observing their older grandchild treated in their son's home? It is not impossible that they think that distance and cringing is the manner in which the new mom expects children to be treated in her household. They may in fact be trying to be respectful of her responses to the older grandchild and in turn treat her child in the behavioral manner that she has demonstrated towards their older grandchild.

Rather than being indifferent to the child ,they may be trying to be differential to the parent's demonstrated mode of child treatment.

You’re just clinging on to a harryclr’s post now and using it to justify a grandparents’ behaviour. There’s nothing wrong with her post. Maybe her dsc was too rough and/or never left the baby alone.
Even without that, you’d still be finding reasons why a grandparent will favour their older grandchild. A popular reason people use is the fact that their parents aren’t together anymore and they need overcompensating for.

Also what would your opinion be if it was the other way around?
The mum could observe the grandparents treating her children less favourably and decide that her mother instinct to protect her child has to come out, causing her to become more distant to her dsc and be less involved with them. That can and does happen….