You don't get to have the PFB experience

[YeDaisy]

Am I being unreasonable to think it's utter BS when people say this on here?

I appreciate that some things are different by way of the fact that there are other DC in the home, but as a SM who had her first DC with DH who has older children, I definitely did still feel 'entitled' to enjoy the firsts of my baby.

You see it in response to things like SMs being expected to spend their maternity leave looking after DSC all the time etc...

How on earth can you have a PFB experience with someone who has already had a child. You just can't. The first child is an amazing and unique experience that turns your life upside down. It doesn't mean you love the others any less but you can't have that experience again.

Wrong. My first was with an absolute prick of a man. I didn't know it at the time. I was young. But it wasn't some mind blowing amazing my world is upside down for me at all.

Whereas I've more recently had DTwins with DH, and I have the amazing experience that I definitely didn't have the first time. The fact that this isn't the first human that's popped out of me, is pretty irrelevant.

And when I see so many of these threads with the OPs being hammered by the infamous MN first wives club, I think two things.

1. Fuck me. With a character and opinions like that I can see exactly why you're an ex wife and not a current one.

2. It sounds like everyone (bar delightful first wife) is happier, dad included, which makes this pregnancy/baby the PFB opportunity that was tainted before

@TwinsandTrifle some of them aren't divorced. They are still married to their husbands and projecting on how they think they would feel.

Others are disgruntled step-children whose parents either didn't parent them well/at all, or they just are entitled people in general who can't stand having siblings let alone half-siblings.

After reading the most recent posts, it seems that there is no universal definition of PFB. I think many posters would be less supportive of a 16 year old teenager complaining about being denied the PFB experience to which she is entitled.

Who is denying the experience and who is it that has the obligation to provide this experience?

Should in laws and extended family members be required to pretend to feel a level of excitement or a level of engagement that they are not experiencing in order to be consistent with the pregnant woman's particular expectations? Is in not solely the expectant parents who have the obligation to create between the 2 of them whatever they think that their particular roles should be in this experience? I never thought that anyone other than my baby's fathet had any obligation as related to my pregnancies. So there was no one who could force either of us to act in anyways contrary to that which we wanted to do regardless of what they might have asked, insisted, or suggested.

The control of the pregnancy was always between the 2 of us and no one else had the ability to modify or change anything. I did not expect pampering or excitement from others. The fact that it happened wss great, but the experience would have not been at all diminished without it. I would have given birth to the same much wanted and much loved child and my husband and I would have made the same preparations, given birth in the same hospital, taken the same amount of maternity leave, etc. No one else had the ability to force us to modify those plans and preparations.

* "Should in laws and extended family members required to pretend feel a level of excitement or a level of engagement that they are not* ."

@Tattler2

That's interesting because you clearly don't think others need to, but know it is required as a standard that is expected of Stepmums and certainly of people who expect SM to do monkey dance over first children* and get bashed if they don't.*

Your bias is showing**

Family members are obliged to show kindness towards and interest in a pregnant woman and the new baby if they wish to continue to be considered "family" rather than just "people we share some DNA with.
That just my opinion. My family actually live each other though so it's never been about obligations.

@Tattler2 hard for you to believe but some people like and love children regardless of the number in the family.

@RedMarauder
Loving a child has absolutely nothing to do with providing a pregnant woman with some kind of entitled FPB experience. What obligation does that even entail for anyone other than the. Pregnant couple?

Families are generally welcoming to new births that does not mean that they have some unparalleled level of engagement or excitement.

Grandparents, aunts,uncles ,etc love the new arrival but that does not mean that they are replicating the same level of interest or involvement in the pregnancy process that they experienced or demonstrated with the first birth.

I do not of anyone in my family or circle of friends that do showers after the first birth. They will most often send a gift after the birth of the second child and a card or verbal congratulations after the third. It is not that they care less; it is that they initial level of involvement is not usually sustainable. Love is expansive, the level of sustained excitement not so much.

By child number 4 , some family members are simply saying " wow, Henry had another baby again. ". It is a bit much to think that you are entitled to some sustained level of excitement simply because you are engaging in a perfectly normal and common place experience.

It is not unlike buying a very nice used car as your first car and then complaining that it does not have the same new car smell that your friend's car has.

You may gave worked just as hard as your friend to pay for your car. You may be just as nice as your friend. The dealership may be just as appreciative of your business, but all things being equal they cannot provide you with a new car smell if you do not purchase a new car.

It is unfortunate for anyone to be so confused about the nature of family love that they equate it with some kind of arbitrary activity surrounding the birth. People with that kind of need or mindset must view love as something very superficial.

Car dealerships. Yes. Of course.

A new car as a comparison to having a baby and preaching about people not understanding how people don't understand family love 😅 ironic.

Fact of the matter is many stepmums and their DH some do get that PFB feeling with second children due to a number of reasons. Just because your family isn't set up that way doesn't mean it's a) the right way or b) the same for others.

This may infuriating for people to hear it but it is what it is.

This may infuriating for people to hear it but it is what it is.

That's the real issue. It's the parent of the "first" PFB, not wanting to accept that this new child could be as exciting, or hells bells more exciting.

I love DS to bits. And until I had DTwins I didn't realise how I didn't have that absolute giddy glow with him. They are my PFBs, because I'm in the right relationship. I think that's far more common than people want to acknowledge.

It is not unlike buying a very nice used car as your first car and then complaining that it does not have the same new car smell that your friend's car has

@Tattler2 I'm not sure that you intended this to be funny but it made laugh out load. You must be trolling right?

Surely every baby is different for every couple anyway? There's no universal PFB experience just as there's no universal second child experience or twins experience.

"You don't get to have to PFB experience" is just something an unkind person with an irrational hatred of step mother's would say. It's actually meaningless and just said to cause hurt.

It's not a very good metaphor either. My second hand car had the new car smell because the dealership valeted it for sale.
I bet my DS smelled as nice as his half sibling as a newborn, too.

@Tattler2 I'm not sure that you intended this to be funny but it made laugh out load. You must be trolling right?

No, she's not! The new car equates to a brand new squeaky clean husband with no previous wives or children - not the newborn child. But I'm not sure if she would fail to acknowledge the first born of her son's second marriage if he had 2 or 3 from the first? @Tattler2 you wouldn't ignore that child, surely?

actually had this in real life. I got told I needed to take my stepchilds old toys for my new baby as otherwise I'm saying they aren't good enough for her and DSC would get upset. I turned round and said that frankly they weren't good enough for her and why should my baby have to play with old broken toys.

See I think the parents and other adults putting shit in the dsc’s heads are the ones who cause problems for the dsc, not the stepmum.

The dsc wouldn’t have been upset and wouldn’t have known any different unless they had it implanted in their head to be upset about something that would otherwise be totally unimportant to them.

I’m glad you said no.

@Tattler2 what's your metaphor for mothers like my mum and TwinsandTrifle who for different reasons had a PFB feeling with their children from their second pregnancy?

The new car equates to a brand new squeaky clean husband with no previous wives or children

That's equally funny to me! I just can't imagine thinking of a relationship like that.

But I'm not sure if she would fail to acknowledge the first born of her son's second marriage if he had 2 or 3 from the first? @Tattler2 you wouldn't ignore that child, surely?
My guess is Tattler would say she's under no obligation to acknowledge that child and that doesn't mean that she doesn't love the child, just that she won't be indulging in the superficial nonsense that the rest of humanity recognises as standard caring familial behaviour because she is better than the rest of humanity.
You are not obliged to agree.

Surely every baby is different for every couple anyway? There's no universal PFB experience just as there's no universal second child experience or twins experience.

Totally agree. I’m a mum of 4 each of my pregnancies and babies were different but just as exciting. Even now, my 2, 6, 8 and 10 year olds are their own individual little people and my younger ones aren’t just an extension of my eldest if that makes sense.

So a stepmum’s DC isn’t an extension of the DSC.

@Tattler2 Why are you so focused on family reactions, anyway? It can be an element, for sure, but I think the main factor in "having the PFB experience" is within the actual couple.

There's a weird assumption on this thread that the PFB experience is the best possible baby experience. It's distinct, but it isn't necessarily the best. I massively preferred the baby experience with my second, but it was still very different to having just one. A father might well have a much better experience with having a new baby with his second wife than he did first time round for whatever reason - a better relationship with the wife, he has more free time now, whatever - but that doesn't mean it'll be a firstborn experience again, that's a one-time thing.

Yes and no, yes you get to enjoy your baby but you don't get to sideline the existing dc of your dp. It's his second, third, fourth child perhaps and their needs need to be treated equally by him (not you). Most the critical posts are towards step mums who want their dp's to ignore their older children and prioritise the newborn both in time and financially

I have noticed alot of the critical posts are towards SMs who don't want to prioritise their DSC over their own DC.
The wires seem to get crossed WRT who is doing the prioritising of whatever child or set of children because people do not agree on what the role of a SM is. The "love and treat them like your own tribe" versus the "kind and helpful presence but won't be doing any parenting" tribe.
Example. Say I have £100 per month to save for my DC (haha!) I've seen posters say that I should give £50 to my step child. Regardless of how the finances are arranged or who earned the money or whatever else. I'd be wrong to save it for my own child. I don't get to prioritise my only living child because DH had a child with another woman. What DH does or doesn't do doesn't come in to it.
Then the bun fight begins.

@aSofaNearYou
I agree with you on the point that the pregnancy experience is one that is to be managed between the expectant couple. My point has been that no else has an obligation in that process. Any involvement by others is voluntary and not anything to which an expectant couple is entitled.

Thus, I fail to be how the experiment can be denied when it is totally within the control of the couple.

Recently there was a posting about a pregnant 14 year old . She was impregnated by a 15 year old. What kind of universal PFB experience is this 14 year old child entitled? Does anyone think that showers,pampering, nursery, decorating, celebratory grandparents and exciting extended family members are experiences to which this expectant couple is entitled? There certainly won't be any step bias informing this experience. Who is obligated to provide their PFB experience?

The OP's subsequent posting suggested that she was being denied her rightful experience, but she never said who it was that had the obligation to provide her with this experience.

Tbh, I doubt if any one could even define what exactly constitutes the universal PFB experience that so many people are defending as an entitlement. No one stops or denies the expectant couple to prepare and provide as they see fit. If the expectant father has other children ,no one can change his position in the parent experience queue. Most likely the extended family will experience the birth in a manner consistent with the beliefs and personalities. All of this is normal and I honestly don't understand what is being taken away from the pregnant woman's experience. The one thing that no one had suggested is that the child will be loved less or not welcomed as a part of the family or clan. The child will simply not be the paternal families first child or first grandchild, but they will be one of many loved children.

The one thing that no one had suggested is that the child will be loved less or not welcomed as a part of the family or clan. The child will simply not be the paternal families first child or first grandchild, but they will be one of many loved children
You get one first. Everyone understands that. The problem is when numbers 2 - 20 are not loved and welcomed as individual, precious members of the family. You're on this board alot, Tattler, I know you've read the same threads I have.
I am very hurt that my MIL is all about DSD and doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about her own son, much less my son's. It doesn't take away from the life DH and I are providing for DS, or the love we feel for him, but I'd rather he and DSD had find memories of their shared grandmother together, rather than DS feel like the forgotten child.
DSDs parents split up you see, so that needs making up to her.