You don't get to have the PFB experience

[YeDaisy]

Am I being unreasonable to think it's utter BS when people say this on here?

I appreciate that some things are different by way of the fact that there are other DC in the home, but as a SM who had her first DC with DH who has older children, I definitely did still feel 'entitled' to enjoy the firsts of my baby.

You see it in response to things like SMs being expected to spend their maternity leave looking after DSC all the time etc...

It was very unpleasant and so frustrating to read. And just a clear example that some people are so bitter and twisted that they would expect a SM to tone down her love and excitement for her own child so it doesn’t “upset people”. Grrrr.

OP, I think it's rot.

My XH had children who were adults when our DC1 was born - and although XH was a complete wankbadger, he was absolutely PFB about our first-born (as was I, obviously). He is less so now that DC1 is also an adult (thinks of him more as being 'one of his children', whereas I still think of him as 'PFB') - but we had the whole PFB experience with him. And rightly so!

How on earth can you have a PFB experience with someone who has already had a child. You just can't. The first child is an amazing and unique experience that turns your life upside down. It doesn't mean you love the others any less but you can't have that experience again.

I have got to ask the question as generally interested.

I can see from the perspective that a parent can't be a first time parent again in the literal sense. But some on here are saying you can't have the PFB experience and seem quite offended at the suggestion that others have had that with their DH ?

Why is this offensive if someone's else's second time around experience feels like the first time around for them ?

@candlelightsatdawn

I have got to ask the question as generally interested.

I can see from the perspective that a parent can't be a first time parent again in the literal sense. But some on here are saying you can't have the PFB experience and seem quite offended at the suggestion that others have had that with their DH ?

Why is this offensive if someone's else's second time around experience feels like the first time around for them ?

Jealousy.

I also saw another thread where a stepmum didn’t want to accept her stepchild’s hand me downs out of the ex wife’s attic. Cot, Moses basket, pram, clothes, etc… and she was actually criticised and told it will upset her stepchild if she doesn’t accept them. Wtf. She wanted her own stuff for her own baby I've actually had this in real life. I got told I needed to take my stepchilds old toys for my new baby as otherwise I'm saying they aren't good enough for her and DSC would get upset. I turned round and said that frankly they weren't good enough for her and why should my baby have to play with old broken toys.

It may be their favourite ever baby toy ut its covered in spider shit so I don't want it. Even if it wasn't I dont want their cast offs ill go to a 2nd hand shop

@whatthejiggeries

How on earth can you have a PFB experience with someone who has already had a child. You just can't. The first child is an amazing and unique experience that turns your life upside down. It doesn't mean you love the others any less but you can't have that experience again.

For some, it isn't an amazing and unique experience. HTH.

@whatthejiggeries

How on earth can you have a PFB experience with someone who has already had a child. You just can't. The first child is an amazing and unique experience that turns your life upside down. It doesn't mean you love the others any less but you can't have that experience again.

The SM can have it herself though, thats the point. She doesn't have to be the one running around considering DSC all the time.

@Wole

I also saw another thread where a stepmum didn’t want to accept her stepchild’s hand me downs out of the ex wife’s attic. Cot, Moses basket, pram, clothes, etc… and she was actually criticised and told it will upset her stepchild if she doesn’t accept them. Wtf. She wanted her own stuff for her own baby I've actually had this in real life. I got told I needed to take my stepchilds old toys for my new baby as otherwise I'm saying they aren't good enough for her and DSC would get upset. I turned round and said that frankly they weren't good enough for her and why should my baby have to play with old broken toys.

I totally get this point but I have also saved some of my DSC’s more lovely books that they had as babies for my hopeful future baby (remain hopeful!)

For one thing, am a second-hand junkie. I pretty much only buy underwear and toilet paper new.

But also, I have some really happy memories of reading these books to my DSC when they were tiny, and I was new in their lives, and reading to them seemed like the only activity we bonded over! I hope to read the books to my own children one day. And then in the distant future, when I’m a crusty old fart and they all come home for a Sunday roast, I can reminisce about how I read “The Dinosaur That Pooped A Planet” to every single one of them. Wouldn’t that be bliss?

Sometimes I feel jealous when I listen to my DH talk about his PFB experience with his ex. I’d rather he had it with me. But fundamentally it’s irrelevant. He’s the bloke I chose and with him comes some history. I could have picked someone mint condition… but I am a second-hand junkie, after all.

My DS has some of DSDs box sets of books that her mum kindly passed on
I'd reject that idea that I had to accept any old crap that she had grown out of though.

My DSC’s mother wouldn’t pass it on anyway. She won’t give us so much as a squib of suncream. It’s just that she’s very cross that we don’t give her more CMS because we’re both high earners. I realise it’s a contentious issue, but I’m happy enough that my income isn’t taken into account. She doesn’t agree. Yada yada. Same old story.

(For context, before I get flamed, we do give her £650 pcm.)

But honestly, I would take some stuff. I don’t like the idea of my kiddo using all the same stuff but I’m not that precious over books etc. And I think it kind of gives the DSC a more “normal” experience of what it’s like with younger siblings.

Sorry to derail the conversation somewhat.

How on earth can you have a PFB experience with someone who has already had a child. You just can't.

What rubbish. Of course you can. The stepmum is becoming a parent in her own right so yes she can have that first time experience.
Thinking back to when I became a mum for the first time and my ex had a child, I had a thoroughly wonderful and exciting experience of becoming a mum for the first time. I did everything any other mum would do.
His child’s existence took nothing away from me as a mum, and never has.
My eldest is 10 now, and in his last year of Primary School. His older sibling was there 5 years ago and I can’t say it has many a jot of difference to the fact that it is a big deal to me that my baby is in his last year of Primary School.

*I can’t say it has MADE a jot of a difference.

@candlelightsatdawn When I wrote my initial response I was trying not to be extremely blunt and upset people.

Due to death and disability some parents don't have an "amazing" experience with their firstborn.

They only end up with a "amazing" experience with second and subsequent children. This includes parents who both are alive and stay together.

Oh and this ignores that some parents have a multiple birth so end up with 2 or more children from one pregnancy. So according to posters writing about "PFB" they are suppose to treat the second and subsequent children from that pregnancy differently...

Of course you can have the pfb experience with step kids, you know, given it will be the step mothers pfb an all. If I am lucky enough to conceive a living baby this time it will be mine and DPS first experience of having a baby as even though he has a child his ex didn't tell him until their child was 2. She literally moved away and didn't tell him about DSS for his first 2 years.

@PeeAche

Sometimes I feel jealous when I listen to my DH talk about his PFB experience with his ex. I’d rather he had it with me. But fundamentally it’s irrelevant. He’s the bloke I chose and with him comes some history. I could have picked someone mint condition… but I am a second-hand junkie, after all.

Maybe it's just me but I read about this sort of thing all the time on here and I always think it sounds pretty tone deaf and insensitive. I wouldn't want my DP frequently going all doe eyed and talking about this (to me), if he felt that way about it. I just think there's a time and place to reminisce about this sort of thing and to your subsequent wife isn't it.

Don’t be absurd. Loving his children is not the same as getting misty eyed over his ex wife and “old life”. Seeing his children born was one of the best experiences of his life.

I’m not getting into a Mumsnet scrap about it and I’m sure it isn’t just you. And I’m sure it could be seen to be insensitive. And, I admit, sometimes I get a case of the green eyed about it. (I’m only human)

But frankly, life isn’t black and white. It’s nuanced and complicated. His children aren’t an extension of his ex wife. And their existence doesn’t rob me of a very happy relationship with him.

I think my response came across as snipey. It wasn’t supposed to. It’s very hard to convey a point sometimes without sounding like an arse! I’m sorry

@PeeAche I don't think that's what sofa meant, I think she meant that she would hope DH would be sensitive to how you feel and consider that in his actions, words etc to try mitigate some of the jealousy (which btw is a totally normally feeling). However men can be a little less in touch with how things come across - not all but most. Mind blunders around making a right mess of things by pure accident.

You have suffered a lot peachy. Your more than anyone entitled to feel how you feel on things. Xx

@PeeAche Ok. I don't think I was being absurd tbh and I wasn't talking about your case specifically, it is just something you read about quite a lot of the time on here, people's partners making a lot of comparisons etc and talking about it what I would consider to be a bit too much.

I didn't mean to cause offence, perhaps I'll just step away from this thread.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@PeeAche I don't think that's what sofa meant, I think she meant that she would hope DH would be sensitive to how you feel and consider that in his actions, words etc to try mitigate some of the jealousy (which btw is a totally normally feeling). However men can be a little less in touch with how things come across - not all but most. Mind blunders around making a right mess of things by pure accident.

You have suffered a lot peachy. Your more than anyone entitled to feel how you feel on things. Xx[/quote]
Yes thankyou, this is very much the sort of thing I meant.

@aSofaNearYou I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be so snappy. I think everyone is on high alert on this website and often feels “attacked” by slightest thing. Me included (obviously).

I never mean to be hurtful to anyone on here, yourself included and I’m truly very sorry.

My DH could do with being more thoughtful 200 times a week. I’m not even sure why I’m so defensive of him all the time.

Please accept my very sincere apology.

[quote PeeAche]@aSofaNearYou I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be so snappy. I think everyone is on high alert on this website and often feels “attacked” by slightest thing. Me included (obviously).

I never mean to be hurtful to anyone on here, yourself included and I’m truly very sorry.

My DH could do with being more thoughtful 200 times a week. I’m not even sure why I’m so defensive of him all the time.

Please accept my very sincere apology. [/quote]
Haha don't worry I understand.

But yes, I do think thoughtlessness is rife amongst the men I read about on here! Mine can be just the same.