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Original poster

AIBU - washing

105 replies

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:29

I told DH I was fed up of doing their washing as work's got busier so I don't have time to help out with it. He said that's fine I'll do it - can you remind me. No, because that just makes it my mental load. So.. DSC arriving tonight and he still hasn't twigged that he hasn't done it!

Am I being really mean to not remind him? I feel like if I do then I'm only enabling his uselessness.

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AuntyFungal · 03/09/2021 17:08

Or, perhaps DH can bung in the kids stuff when he puts on an adult load.

Or does the washing machine only work if you press the buttons using your tits?

Soupsseason · 03/09/2021 17:13

Instead of playing silly games of laundry chicken. Send him a quick text "don't forget to put the kids stuff in the wash". You're on the same team.

Mintjulia · 03/09/2021 17:15

I don't understand why you wouldn't remind him. That's a bit mean.

Don't do it for him, but at least give him a nudge.

Rtmhwales · 03/09/2021 17:16

I no longer do my DSC's laundry.

Does your DH do your children's laundry or 50% of any joint children's laundry or does he just decide you get that thankless chore?

cantgetmyheadroundit · 03/09/2021 17:19

@AuntyFungal

Or, perhaps DH can bung in the kids stuff when he puts on an adult load.

Or does the washing machine only work if you press the buttons using your tits?

😂 😂
LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 17:21

I'd remind him this time, since it's the first time since you've stopped doing it, but not again.

Kjr33 · 03/09/2021 17:31

Hmmm I’m not sure, I get what you are feeling but to be honest it sounds like you want it done your way (not at the same time as everyone else’s washing) which I understand and do the same but I don’t think it’s right to enforce your oh to do the washing in the way you want it done…..my preference is to have a job that is only mine to manage and never let him touch it as he will do it “wrong” (differently) this means I don’t get involved in his tasks either! Either hand over all washing and face the (awful imo) consequences or pick another job to hand over entirely to him in order to get the extra free time you want.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2021 17:31

Yeah, I'd remind him the first time but not after that.

RedMarauder · 03/09/2021 17:33

Where you have gone wrong from the beginning is doing his washing when you moved in together.

If you refused to do his washing - which myself, some of my sisters , SILs and friends who are step-mums do - then he would have learnt that there is no magic laundry fairy.

He would then have learnt to do his own laundry and also the children in the household.

Many posters on MN think it is odd that I grew up in a household - and my family members still do this now they have their own households - that when you get to 13/14 you do your own washing.

NorthernSpirit · 03/09/2021 17:33

I can’t understand the posters who seem to think it’s woman’s work to do the washing and expect SM’s to do SC’s washing.

I have 2 SC - I used to do their washing but as they can’t be bothered helping round the house at all and don’t appreciate anything I do for them, then their dad can do their washing for them. The trigger for me was asking 15 YO SD not to peel her jeans or leggings off and leave her dirty knickers inside for me to peel out. After asking numerous times not to and it was too much trouble for her - I stopped doing her washing. Her dad can peel her knickers out and do her washing. If it was upto me at 15 (almost 16) she should be doing her own washing.

I wouldn’t remind him. It’s his job - let him remember.

How old are the SK’s - is it time they can start learning to do their own washing?

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2021 17:37

As long as you told him you wouldn't remind him, then just let him crack on. It's not the end of the world if nothing's clean.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 17:41

Ok so here's the set up.. it might be odd I guess but it's how we have always done it.

Each household member has their own wash basket.

I'm responsible for mine and shared LO's
He is responsible for his
I have been doing DSCs (plural) too as I have the most time.

I now do not have the time so I told him he is now responsible for doing DSCs. I am still responsible for LO's as frankly he's a bit lazy and it will never get done.

I have reminded him.

OP posts:
Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 17:41

Couldn't do it to the DSC.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/09/2021 17:44

I guess after the weekend you say you won't remind him in future as you need to lighten your mental load as well your practical time doing stuff?

Can you sit together and write a list of ALL chores including mental load for each and have it all there? He would likely be shocked at how little he currently does...

MrsMiddleMother · 03/09/2021 17:44

Do not remind him. He is a grown man. He knows he hasn't washed his children's clothes, that's on him. The children won't have to go without, he can put on a quick wash it'll be fine. They are his responsibility.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2021 17:52

@Mintjulia

I don't understand why you wouldn't remind him. That's a bit mean.

Don't do it for him, but at least give him a nudge.

Then perhaps you've never had to deal with being the only person in the household who has to do all the thinking for everybody else.
Tattler2 · 03/09/2021 17:54

Laundry is not an issue with us as the cleaning lady does everyone's laundry, but we do not have anyone in the household who in a pinch cannot operate the washing machine.

We do not divide tasks by yours vs mine. It is more of a what needs to be done and who is available at the time to do it. That process does not seem to leave anyone feeling overburdened or put upon.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 17:55

@RandomMess

I guess after the weekend you say you won't remind him in future as you need to lighten your mental load as well your practical time doing stuff?

Can you sit together and write a list of ALL chores including mental load for each and have it all there? He would likely be shocked at how little he currently does...

That's a great idea! I think he probably doesn't realise quite how much I do!
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RandomMess · 03/09/2021 17:57

Oh thereafter leave him to succeed or fail on his own merits.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 17:58

@Beamur

I generally would be hard-line OP and not remind him but I still remember my little DSS crying because there were no clean pants. I didn't live with DP at that point and he was struggling to keep on top of everything. I think you're absolutely right but I would give one nudge!
Yeah this was why I caved. Felt too cruel!
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aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2021 18:09

@Tattler2

Laundry is not an issue with us as the cleaning lady does everyone's laundry, but we do not have anyone in the household who in a pinch cannot operate the washing machine.

We do not divide tasks by yours vs mine. It is more of a what needs to be done and who is available at the time to do it. That process does not seem to leave anyone feeling overburdened or put upon.

Easily said when you have a cleaner.
Chloemol · 03/09/2021 18:12

Tell him to set a reminder on his phone

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 18:56

@Tattler2

Laundry is not an issue with us as the cleaning lady does everyone's laundry, but we do not have anyone in the household who in a pinch cannot operate the washing machine.

We do not divide tasks by yours vs mine. It is more of a what needs to be done and who is available at the time to do it. That process does not seem to leave anyone feeling overburdened or put upon.

Ah we don't have a cleaner. We do have people in the household who cannot operate the washing machine even in a pinch. OH is not one of these as he has done his own washing for many many moons.

We do divide some tasks by yours vs mine. And then I help if I have the extra time due to the nature of my work. If I had a cleaning operative I would feel less overburdened but also poorer.

I don't feel particularly put upon it's more of a why is it down to me that remembers it needs doing?

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Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 18:58

@Chloemol

Tell him to set a reminder on his phone
GENIUS!

Though I think he will likely ignore it thinking he will do it later Grin

OP posts:
Tattler2 · 03/09/2021 19:18

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm

I agree that a grown man should be able to remember to do anything that his minor children need to have done. If he washes his own clothing, it should not be a chore to remember that his children too need clean clothing.

Even though we have a cleaning lady, we do often put up reminders just to ensure that few things go undone.

We jokingly call white boards and post it notes our second brains.

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