Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

AIBU - washing

105 replies

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:29

I told DH I was fed up of doing their washing as work's got busier so I don't have time to help out with it. He said that's fine I'll do it - can you remind me. No, because that just makes it my mental load. So.. DSC arriving tonight and he still hasn't twigged that he hasn't done it!

Am I being really mean to not remind him? I feel like if I do then I'm only enabling his uselessness.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:30

They each have their own basket as then it's easier to just do all their washing and put it away once they have gone back to mums.

OP posts:
Akire · 03/09/2021 16:33

Just let him crack on if you both work then both can sort own and kids washing. It’s not a yearly event is it it’s constant ongoing job you know when you are running low on clothes.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:40

Yes but he's not going to realise until one of them asks for something at this rate. Which is fine but obviously my brain has done the mental load already which annoys me! And also they need clean clothes.

OP posts:
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/09/2021 16:43

You're right OP he won't learn if you keep telling him. He asked you to remind him. You said no. He's relying on you telling him anyway.

Beamur · 03/09/2021 16:45

I would remind him this once as otherwise the kids end up without clean things. But I wouldn't remind him again

whatthejiggeries · 03/09/2021 16:45

Would you refuse to wash your own DCs clothes? Strange attitude

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:47

@whatthejiggeries

Would you refuse to wash your own DCs clothes? Strange attitude
No as that is another seperate basket and happens on a regular basis not every other week so it's easy for me to just shove it in with mine as I go.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/09/2021 16:48

I don't know why you can't just chuck the clothes in the machine... how is work so busy that neither of you have managed that?

DSC's will just have to learn to do their own washing.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:48

Don't see why it's strange. He is their parent and I've been helping him. Now I'm too busy to help him and need to cut back. I still make dinner on 'my' nights.

OP posts:
TiredButDancing · 03/09/2021 16:49

While I don't really understand why step children's clothes aren't just added to the family's loads as you go, I do 100% agree that you having to tell your DH to do his share of the washing is annoying as F*.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:50

@girlmom21

I don't know why you can't just chuck the clothes in the machine... how is work so busy that neither of you have managed that?

DSC's will just have to learn to do their own washing.

I could have managed that but am lightening my load and trying to get DH to increase his load of his own children's housework needs. And if he could also vacuum a bit more that would help.
OP posts:
Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:52

@TiredButDancing it's just easier to put one or two loads in each time and get them done then put them away. It makes sure it is done then. Saves having to sort through all the clothes and work out whose is whose.

OP posts:
Beamur · 03/09/2021 16:52

There's no reason for Dad not to be doing laundry too. Not women's work only!

AbandonedCharacter · 03/09/2021 16:53

Why can't he set a reminder on his phone? How has it not occurred to him already that it hasn't been done?

You quite right leaving him to do it if you're busy.

ablutiions · 03/09/2021 16:53

Yes you could remind him as other posters have said, but maybe he needs the nudge of consequences to move this job from your task/worry list to his.

Once he has to deal with 'we've run out of pants' then he'll remember next time.

Original poster
IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 16:55

@ablutiions this is my dilemma.

OP posts:
MrsRobbieHart · 03/09/2021 16:55

The only way he’ll learn is to suffer the consequences of not doing it. If DSC ask him for washing he’ll think “shit, forgot to do it” and he’ll have to tell them he forgot, then go and do it and they’ll have to wait for clothes, moan at him and he’ll remember next time.

Don’t remind him. It’s not your job.

PhantomErik · 03/09/2021 16:58

I think you're right to leave it. He'll have to remember for next time or put on a quick wash for essentials.

I was chatting to a friend recently & her friend is a step mum (like me but my SDC are now adults) & said she was getting fed up of doing all the 'mum' duties.

I didn't do any basics like she mentioned, things like bedtime routines, bath, teeth, story etc. I didn't get up in the night, I didn't get up early in the morning not because I didn't want to (although I didn't!) but because DH had missed them & enjoyed spending time with them. I sometimes made tea & sometimes did washing. I cooked the rest of time for just us.

I have a lovely relationship with my DSC & love them a lot so it hasn't damaged us. DH needed to be their parent & missed them desperately so was completely hands on & managed like he would without me (like before we met).

KylieKoKo · 03/09/2021 16:59

Not having clean clothes for one day won't harm them and will mean that he is more likely to remember in future.

Having said that both me and DP just wash whatever needs washing at the time. I don't really see why you'd do it separately but I'd you are then it's his responsibility to make sure his children have clean clothes.

CornishTiger · 03/09/2021 16:59

This isn’t even a step children issue. You just happen to be their step mum.

It’s about him pulling his weight and thinking it’s acceptable to add to your mental load with reminders.

Tbh I’d remind him the first couple of times and if he didn’t crack on with it I’d also be separating his washing. I’d replace it with some of the Childrens.

Usually I look to fill a load with whatever there is in basket anyway. Is the separate baskets just adding to the issue.

Beamur · 03/09/2021 17:01

I generally would be hard-line OP and not remind him but I still remember my little DSS crying because there were no clean pants. I didn't live with DP at that point and he was struggling to keep on top of everything.
I think you're absolutely right but I would give one nudge!

WallaceinAnderland · 03/09/2021 17:02

Leave him to it. He's more likely to remember next time. No biggie.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/09/2021 17:03

I don’t get this- bung it all in together and your husband should do half the washing regardless of whose it is

TiredButDancing · 03/09/2021 17:04

@CornishTiger

This isn’t even a step children issue. You just happen to be their step mum.

It’s about him pulling his weight and thinking it’s acceptable to add to your mental load with reminders.

Tbh I’d remind him the first couple of times and if he didn’t crack on with it I’d also be separating his washing. I’d replace it with some of the Childrens.

Usually I look to fill a load with whatever there is in basket anyway. Is the separate baskets just adding to the issue.

This. Honestly, it's not about the step children. It seems to me that in an attempt to lighten your physical and mental load, you've attempted to get your DH to do all the care for your step children. Which makes sense except... it means you're still responsible for everything else and really he's not stepping up at all.

Personally, I'd be adding step children's washing to the family washing and removing his washing from the family washing for him to do. If he can't be bothered to do even a couple of loads a week, let him suffer with no clean pants or shirts.

There's nothing less attractive than a partner who seems to think that the magic cleaning/cooking/shopping fairies will just sort his life out for him while he swans around doing whatever he likes.

decoratedstandardlamp · 03/09/2021 17:06

Why don't all the clothes go in together and be done in the normal washes.

Is there a back story here with you not getting on with the step children or H not pulling his weight generally parenting them when they visit and the washing is the final straw for you?