How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Oh and you have lived there since May 21- it might seem a long time but the kids have had 8? weekends there - not that long in the grand scheme of things.

I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy.

They've only been with you for 3 months. So much better to pull the plug now than further down the road.

It's ok to make mistakes, you're young.

He should have said no to moving your his kids into your house. He's the father who should have know that was too big a risk for his kids.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.)

Basically, YOU'RE paying off his debt. And for what? He won't divorce his wife.

If he dropped down dead tonight (heaven forfend!) his legal wife would inherit everything as his next of kin. You would have nothing.

The not getting divorced would be a deal breaker for me. That together with him not paying his way would be the ultimate passion killer for me.

I've got jars of mustard in my fridge that are older than this relationship, OP. Pandemic or not, the speed with which this man has enmeshed himself and his children into your life is quite frightening. Rip off the plaster and get back to your 20s.

Just tell him the relationship was moved too fast due to Covid and now that life is going back to normal, you would like him to move out again and go back to dating.

I suspect he'll MASSIVELY push back because you are his free ride. He won't want to give it up.

You are just too young to put up with 20+ years of resentment. Honestly, he sounds awful. I bet he's completely love bombed you, and made you feel special and loved: you are his meal ticket.

This is like a flipped version of:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4337167-Is-my-Gf-being-fair-with-finances?msgid=110434371#110434371

Everyone is telling that guy to run a mile too.

Yes .it's all a bit of a downer on your life, curtailing all the many things that you could be doing, instead of dealing with someone else's children, and a person with debts.. Despite maybe making other people unhappy, you do have a right to change things,and get some freedom for yourself.

This is just so sad to read.

He is not single.
You are paying for him, his dc, his wife and yourself.
Give him a months notice and remind him he promised you he would get divorced and work on his debts.
This was a line in the sand and a deal breaker.
He broke that agreement.

No way did you agree to fund the lifestyle of his wife and dc by subsidising him.

@SpongebobNoPants

Firstly you owe neither him nor his children anything. You are not married, in fact he is still married to someone else and financially taking advantage of you to enable himself to be in a better financial position. This is not ok.

You sound like a very caring person and seem to care a lot about his children. But they are his children, not yours and due to that fact you have no legal or moral obligation to house them in you’re feeling like this relationship is no longer working for you.
Do not feel guilty, if he is a decent guy he will understand and adequately sort out housing for himself and his kids and respect your wishes.

Currently, what are you actually gaining from this relationship? You’re financially burdened by housing a family you neither chose to have or had any hand in creating, you don’t aspire to be a mother but are inadvertently being pushed into that role, you watch your partner parent in a way you don’t agree with.

You’re young, financially stable and free of any ties… you should be (and deserve to be) with someone who is in a similar position.

You’re very kind to consider allowing him to have contact in your home, but by proxy you will then be treated as the 3rd parent still for all intents and purposes. This will be confusing for the kids.

Your partner needs to step up, grow up and move out. He sounds lazy and unorganised and happy for you to do all the financial grunt work for him… all whilst he floats along blindly, not helping himself and remaining married to another woman.

Come on OP, you can do so much better for yourself. Know your worth

All of this.

Really good advice.

@hilfehilfehilfe

Thank you everyone. Thank you.

I know. Covid absolutely was a motivator in moving in together as quickly as we did. We couldn't see each other except for walks etc. because of our work and it was awful. By becoming a 'household' we could finally be together. We do love each other so much. I always said "If there are such thing as The Ones then he is my One" - I've never questioned that until now. The idea of not being together is heartbreaking - he really is supportive and generous and adoring. He's not a bad man. He just made some poor choices.

It's hard to talk to him about the things I have an issue with. I am oversensitive and I do overreact so I don't trust myself with these issues. He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular. It means I want to go with him with set SMART boundaries and things I need to be fulfilled. Because if I go with anything less solid he'll push back and make me think I'm being unreasonable. He told me if I gave him an ultimatum to get divorced, he'd do it. But I don't to be the villain who made us disrupt our currently stable life - I want him to get divorced because he doesn't want to be married to his ex anymore, and because it is disrespectful to me and the life we have built together to expect me to put up with it indefinitely.

When we moved in together I said I wanted him to work on the divorce and the debt as conditions of him moving in - it wasn't a present or me being nice, it was an investment in our future. To my knowledge this hasn't really happened.

Any advice on boundaries you would set or things you would say that aren't emotional or irrational so that I can talk to him about this would be really appreciated. What would you do in my situation.

OP - I mean this kindly - please take the blinkers off. he really is supportive and generous and adoring

How can you see him as any of these things?
He is living off you, demanding more & more emotional/childcare labour from you, is very good at "pushing back", but is totally lacking in delivering on his own part of the bargain.

When we moved in together I said I wanted him to work on the divorce and the debt as conditions of him moving in - it wasn't a present or me being nice, it was an investment in our future. To my knowledge this hasn't really happened.
He has you wrapped around his finger, doing all the giving, while he gives nothing back, & won;t do any of the things you want him to do. He plays on your guilt, while reneging on the conditions he agreed to.

You think that's generous & supportive?
What happened to you as a child, that you feel it's ok to be so put-upon, so let down, so taken advantage of ... just to keep a man?

I agree that there is something a bit hinky about the finances here. If you can pay the mortgage, all the bills and your share of the groceries with your salary, then why is he only barely covering his repayments and costs when he earns more than you.

Anyway, if you say to him that you think you moved in together too soon and you would prefer to live apart at least for a while and continue the relationship, then his reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he's concerned about your unhappiness and seeks a solution that will suit both of you and increase your happiness then maybe there's a way forward. If he argues, guilts, shames, calls you crazy or anything at all that makes you more unhappy then you'll know that he cares more about his convenience than your happiness, in which case fuck him out the door so fast that his feet don't touch the doorstep.

I don't believe in the one: but let's take it as shorthand for the right relationship for you: "The one" is not "hard to talk to" about things you "have an issue with". "The one" wouldn't "push back strongly when I try to raise an issue" and make you feel like you're being "unreasonable".

These are signs of someone who wants the relationship all their way.

Sounds more like the type of personality who's coaxed you to believe he's the one because he wants help with his kids. And somewhere to live.

Oh my love you are so young! With the money you are funding his lifestyle with you could have wonderful holidays and experiences and meet someone terrific. With the head space getting rid of him will bring you could build your career and invest in yourself. The world is waiting for you! - all this

also - he isn't divorced. He's paying more towards his WIFE than he should and you are subsidising him. What happens if he is then debt free and suddenly becomes a more attractive proposition to his WIFE and they get back together "for the sake of the children"?
I can see this happening.

Also - look up gaslighting and financial manipulation. This is what is happening to you. He tells you you are being overly emotional to shut down your feelings. In YOUR home, So he can carry on behaving as he wishes.
He hasn't respected your boundaries - already set - and has made you feel worse actually. This is all the love bombing to keep you compliant but then also manipulating you to do as he wishes.

Please please get him out and start living the happy young life you have created. You've done amazingly well so far - don't let him drag you down now.

Perfectly said @BlackAmericanoNoSugar
if you say to him that you think you moved in together too soon and you would prefer to live apart at least for a while and continue the relationship, then his reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he's concerned about your unhappiness and seeks a solution that will suit both of you and increase your happiness then maybe there's a way forward. If he argues, guilts, shames, calls you crazy or anything at all that makes you more unhappy then you'll know that he cares more about his convenience than your happiness, in which case fuck him out the door so fast that his feet don't touch the doorstep.

You only get one life. He's not The One. If he was, would you be feeling this unhappy? The One would want to do anything for you. He would move mountains to see you smile. He would pour all his effort into providing the best possible life for both of you. This one is happy for you to pay for pretty much everything while he gives all his money to his wife.

Is it possible he is still in love with her, and he doesn't want to divorce her in case one day she might take him back?

And your family and friends all love him and your relationship because they think you're happy. If you told them what was really going on i don't think they would love your relationship quite so much.

And who cares anyway! The only one who needs to love and be happy with your relationship is you. And you're not (for very very good reason)

Let's be clear - he's not paying his debts, you are as the money he should be paying you for rent/bills etc. is going towards his debts.

As others have said, why are you less important than:

• him?
• his kids?
• his wife?

he can't afford to overpay child maintenance.

You're going to be stuck with him for years unless you act now....

OP, he is not allowing you to speak because he knows what he is doing is wrong and against your wellbeing. Don't argue with him - TELL HIM - its not working out for you (being a provider, a nanny and a skivvy to a lazy manipulative cocklodger).

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Bin him and move on. Don't put it off any longer.

Perfectly said @BlackAmericanoNoSugar*
if you say to him that you think you moved in together too soon and you would prefer to live apart at least for a while and continue the relationship, then his reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he's concerned about your unhappiness and seeks a solution that will suit both of you and increase your happiness then maybe there's a way forward. If he argues, guilts, shames, calls you crazy or anything at all that makes you more unhappy then you'll know that he cares more about his convenience than your happiness, in which case fuck him out the door so fast that his feet don't touch the doorstep.*

Agreed!!

OP you have really been taken advantage of here, far too much too quickly, and it's not fair to continue here, his commitments are not your commitments, give him warning to move out and plan and prep, but get yourself out of this situation!

Soldier, Soldier

“Soldier, oh soldier will you marry me now?”
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
“No pretty maid, I cannot marry thee
For I've got no boots for to put on.”

So she ran to the shop as quick as she could run
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
Bought him some boots of the very, very best,
And the soldier he so put 'em on.

“Soldier, oh soldier will you marry me now?”
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
“No pretty maid, I cannot marry thee
For I've got no trousers to put on.”

So she ran to the shop as quick as she could run
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
Bought him some trousers of the very, very best,
And the soldier he so put 'em on.

“Soldier, oh soldier will you marry me now?”
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
“No pretty maid, I cannot marry thee
For I've got no jacket to put on.”

So she ran to the shop as quick as she could run
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
Bought him a jacket of the very, very best,
And the soldier he so put it on.

“Soldier, oh soldier will you marry me now?”
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
“No pretty maid, I cannot marry thee
For I've got no hat to put on.”

So she ran to the shop as quick as she could run
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
Bought him a hat of the very, very best,
And the soldier he so put it on.

“Soldier, oh soldier will you marry me now?”
With a hey, and a ho, and the sound of a drum
“No pretty maid, I cannot marry thee
For I've got me my own wife at home.”

You're being taken for a ride by a fare-dodger.

Well hasn't he lucked out with you?

*Younger with no baggage
*A house you pay for and can house him and his brood when he has them
*Potential free nanny to offload his kids onto so he doesn't have to step up and be an actual parent?

You in return get a debt ridden baggage laden older man who's not even divorced yet,can't get his shit together,doesn't pay his way fairly and is pushing the responsibility of 3 kids onto you.

Pack his packs and show him the door.

Oh this is so sad. you want a fairytale and you have a nightmare.

Your happiness is dependent on another woman. He won't divorce until she is settled with a boyfriend and wants to divorce. So it's all dependent on her. What if she decides she's never having another bloke and is happy as she is (and look how well off she is!)

Move him out. Date him and see if it lasts then. Your eyes may be opened.

His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt

He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular

He is financially abusing you. Of course he does not want to discuss his financial abuse. He is also emotionally abusing you by doing this.

My family love him. Our friends love our relationship. He has no idea anything is this wrong

He absolutely does know something is wrong because you've told him and he's pushed back. Ignoring is not the same as not knowing.

Take it from me, your family DO NOT LOVE HIM. Your friends don't love him. Your family don't have that sort of history or emotional connection with him that would create a love connection. I've several adult children and many partners have come and gone over the years. I'm nice to them but I don't love them. I also don't love my friends relationships. Nobody is that invested in other people's relationships.

Tell your friends and family the truth and see what they really think.