How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

OP is wearing her love goggles and cannot see what we all see, which is not The One, but just another cocklodger taking advantage of a nice woman. He's not even single.

@thenewduchessofhastings

Well hasn't he lucked out with you?

*Younger with no baggage
*A house you pay for and can house him and his brood when he has them
*Potential free nanny to offload his kids onto so he doesn't have to step up and be an actual parent?

You in return get a debt ridden baggage laden older man who's not even divorced yet,can't get his shit together,doesn't pay his way fairly and is pushing the responsibility of 3 kids onto you.

Pack his packs and show him the door.

This is so on point!

@MamDancer, that's such a true statement and way too common, especially with young women (independent successful) who saddle themselves with men who aren't capable of living by themselves.

Op, please listen to the views here. We don't know him but we know men like him. Many of us have been there and hate to see others go down a path which we know we will lead to deep unhappiness.

Can you imagine how you will feel after another 4 years of this??

With all due respect this won’t get better even once he pays off his debt. I have a 20k loan for house renovations that only costs me £250 a month to repay, so if he has 15k of debt and is only just breaking even then he basically just doesn’t have any money and won’t ever contribute to your relationship financially, as I doubt once he’s paid off the debt he’s going to give every spare penny he has to you.

Also this:

thenewduchessofhastings
Well hasn't he lucked out with you?

*Younger with no baggage
*A house you pay for and can house him and his brood when he has them
*Potential free nanny to offload his kids onto so he doesn't have to step up and be an actual parent?

You in return get a debt ridden baggage laden older man who's not even divorced yet,can't get his shit together,doesn't pay his way fairly and is pushing the responsibility of 3 kids onto you.

Pack his packs and show him the door.

• my partner has kids and is in the process of sorting his divorce, he doesn’t have much money but pays for everything himself (his own house etc) and we will NOT be moving in together until he is divorced and we can contribute equally to any house we live in together.

OP, it’s YOU that is paying off his debts. Without you forking out for a house and groceries, he wouldn’t be able to pay his debts off.
And it’s YOU that is subsidising his wife and his children. He is paying his wife maintenance but not paying you any rent while you house and feed the children 50%.
That’s his WIFE who he refuses to willingly divorce.

If you think you really love him, keep seeing him - on your own terms. Let him date you, treat you well etc. but remember, - he’s a married man who wants to stay married.

You really must stop spending your own hard-earned money and savings on him and his children. And stop providing a lovely cosy home for them all. You are being taken advantage of big time here.
He shouldn’t want to be taking advantage of you in this way.
If he was in any way a jdecent guy he would know that it’s immoral to let your provide for them all in this way….to use you, - especially whilst insisting he remains married to somebody else.
Please make him have this conversation ASAP and tell him you want to give him and the children notice to leave as you are no longer prepared to house them all.
Don’t let him fob you off either, by telling you he will divorce her. That chance has long gone now.
Good luck.

You actually owe them all nothing. You're just their dad's girlfriend. You're only 26, can you really imagine this trapped life until the day you die?! I would say that you're not happy and want him to move out. You deserve so much better than this. You cannot meet someone better if you're still in this relationship.

The more of this I read the more convinced I am you need to ditch this user.

Why does his ex need to have a boyfriend before they can divorce ?!

Of course he absolutely adores you... I expect you're lovely, but you're also subsidizing his life and he also has hopes that he can foist some of his parenting responsibilities onto you too!

He's got all his cakes and is eating them. All except the one that says "Find a sucker to parent my kids for me" on it. That one's just waiting...

What are you getting from this? You say you're not happy. I bet he bloody is though! I think you need to realize that all the power is on your side. Be prepared to walk away. Then you'll see how much he cares. Tell him what he needs to do to have any chance of the relationship working out.

Actually sod all that. Give him notice that his free ride is over and he needs to make alternative arrangements. get your life back.

He got a sweet deal, hardly any everyday living expenses, a place to live, a woman who does some of the parenting for him and has sex with him. While he gives extra money to his ex, who will not give him up easily as it benifits her.
He's a cocklodger

I said I wanted him to work on the divorce and the debt as conditions of him moving in - it wasn't a present or me being nice, it was an investment in our future. To my knowledge this hasn't really happened.

"Someone else's DP - I asked you to work on your divorce and your debt as a condition of moving into my house. You haven't bothered with either. This is no longer working for me, we have too many differences. You need to make alternative living arrangements for you and your children."

He does not absolutely adore you I'm afraid. If he did he would be moving at speed to get divorced.

Your house and you need to prioritise you.

There are so many things wrong with the picture you describe that I don't know where to begin. Should I begin with the fact that he is only paying 2/3 of the food shopping, or that he "pushes back strongly" when you stand up for yourself IN YOUR OWN HOME, or that if you object to this unreasonable situation he will "push back and make me think I'm unreasonable." I could start with any one of those.

But instead I think I'll start with this. You are in a relationship with, and living with, someone who is married to another woman and who is unwilling to give you the dignity of NOT being "the other woman" unless you give him some kind of ultimatum. This is so disrespectful to you. In addition, since he is legally still married, all of his paying off of his debt and his extra maintenance given to his wife, and the money he is saving by living rent-free with you, all legally accrues to him and her. You are basically giving part of your income to another woman. (Also, if you become pregnant while in this relationship, there is little financial protection for you.)

As others said, you are a good catch. Why is he willing to treat you in this undignified way if he loves you? Expect more from the man in your life.

He doesn't want to get a divorce (for a bullshit reason)...that's not OK with you

He wants you to 'parent' his children...that's not OK with you

He's expecting you to subsidize his debt repayment, actually you're subsidizing his entire life....that's not OK with you.

He 'treats you great'....that's OK with you

Don't be so easily satisfied. You aren't getting enough out of this relationship to justify what you're putting into it.

And your main concern should be, and is entitled to be YOU. Not him, not his DC, not his family.....YOU.

A PP wisely said to tell him things moved to fast and to ask him for time apart and watch his reaction. She's right. It will certainly tell you everything you need to know. There's that old saying "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". He's shown you and it looks like you don't believe what you're seeing. So ask him, let him tell you who he is. And believe him.

What’s “fair” is you taking back your own happiness.

You don’t owe any of them anything.

You don’t want kids so why lumbar yourself with 3?? Madness (kind but mad!).

Honestly please don’t spend the rest of your twenties resenting this it will only get worse. Take your life back! And definitely dont worry about his extended family if they have made you welcome or not!! Great they have but that’s not a reason to stay in growing misery is it!

Can I add the fact you own your OWN home at 26 is amazing. I was still living with my parents and didn’t know how to use a washing machine at that age .. !

@hilfehilfehilfe

It was my idea for us to move in together, because of our work situation. He obviously wasn't in a position to provide a home for us, and I was, and it was so utterly utterly awful to be apart indefinitely. I realise now I shouldn't have done this, but I just love him so much and was in a positon to help him so I did.

I just feel like I would hurt so many people if I left, or even took a step back. His family have made me so welcome. My family love him. Our friends love our relationship. He has no idea anything is this wrong. He thinks we're set to be together forever.

To answer some questions:
The children are here Fri after school - Mon school drop off EOW, and 50/50ish in the holidays.
He's only breaking even on his paycheque while being with me as he has debt payments and signifcantly overpays his child maintenance. The rest I think general life things.

"I feel like I would hurt so many people if I left..." If you left? If you left the home that you own and pay for?

He's lovely because he's fallen on his feet. He's got a nice home, plenty of space for his children to stay in, someone to care for them and he's paying a tiny contribution to the life. Honestly Op - you need to sit back and look at this rationally.

Thank you everyone for commenting, I have read and will think hard about every single reply.

To answer the question about what we did before we moved in together, we are provided accommodation through work. It's where we both were before and likely where he'd go back to if he didn't live here. It's not great though. It makes me really sad and upset to think of the kids going back to that when they've made friends and settled into their routines here.

I can see now I made a big mistake. I didn't mean to, I thought I was helping. It was so hard to be apart and alone during Covid, and the accommodation was so crap for the kids. I'd worked hard to be in a position to make all of us so much happier, why wouldn't I? Nobody's perfect, we love each other so much - I knew his situation wasn't great but we both bring different things to a relationship and on this occasion I'd be bringing the financial stability.

He's not a big bad abuser. For various reasons, he has had a really hard time over the last 5/6 years. I think he thinks in moving in and being with me he has finally arrived at happiness after struggling for a long time. I don't think he realises it comes at my expense. I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

I realised something in reading all of your responses and that is that I have been exhausted and unhappy for the past few months when I should have been happy. I thought it was work as it's been a bit stressful, but nothing I can't handle. Now I think perhaps it's because I've been carrying this around with me and it's so tiring.

You owe his DC nothing

But you were a bit of a fool to get sucked into this set up

I’d run for the hills tbh at your age

He’s a massive big user

I don't think he realises it comes at my expense

Oh he so does. Trust us here. We've seen it all before.

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. why?! Her life has nothing to do with him!!

this is the warning flag for me. Ditch him. Throw him out. Your house.

What do you owe yourself?

I want to go with him with set SMART boundaries and things I need to be fulfilled. Because if I go with anything less solid he'll push back and make me think I'm being unreasonable

This is a huge red flag. You can do so much better than this. It is not your responsibility to sacrifice yourself for those children.

Imagine yourself in twenty years writing a letter to yourself now. What would it say?

Look - the kids will be fine, they have two parents. I think your DP showed bad judgement as a parent involving them in this arrangement when you'd known each other for such a short time. But he's older than you and he's the father, he should have known better.
As long as you keep making his life easy he's going to be as happy as larry. Tell him you need a break and you don't want to see him or the kids for say a month and see what happens.
If you've got any sense you will stop talking yourself into feeling responsible and guilty and do the best thing for you - end this relationship. It's dragging you down. How will you feel in 10 years time? Don't get married and don't have a baby with him.

I don't think he realises it comes at my expense.

Oh lovely, how can he not know that it comes at your expense. It is obviously at your expense, you are providing and paying for everything. There is nothing here that can change that fact.

He pushes back and blames your sensitivity, just to try and stop you thinking about what is really going on here.

Maybe you need to talk to someone, get yourself some counselling, to understand why you are allowing, even enjoying people to use you like this.