How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Am I reading this correctly?
This is his financial situation:
15.000 debt
maintenance for his wife and kids
no rent or utility bills
2/3 of the grocery bill
you provide some free childcare
does he at least do loads around the house?

You do realise you're subsidising his lifestlye and that of his family.
Why would you do that? That's your hard-earned money. I bet he adores you! This is not equal.

I know you think he's 'the one'. He isn't. You're not happy, you don't want to be a stepmum, you're giving away your money, he's not voluntarily divorcing his wife, you can't discuss some things because he 'pushes back very strongly' and becomes 'defensive'. As I read your posts he doesn't sound very nice at all. I know you're attached but IMHbrutalO, you can do much better. I know you want us to tell you a way to make this work. I'm sorry but you can't.

Does your family know about the finances and how you are supporting him? I think most people would change their opinion of him.

He is an adult. He didn't make bad choices. He had 3 children and then walked away to be with a child free woman who financially supports him.

Imagine having 3 young kids and finding a man to financially support you?? The chance of that happening is extremely low. This man could use you for 5 years, get his debts paid off and disappear. How would you feel if that happened?

Regarding your love. I think you are confusing personality with this man's character. Start saying NO to him and see what reaction you get. I suspect you'll find yourself in quite a toxic situation.

If I was your mum and knew what you wrote here I would say "Bail, Run, value yourself more"

26! You're only 26 and he is taking advantage of your generous and kind nature to fund a cushy lifestyle for him and his children.
The reason for not divorcing is ludicrous and very unfair on you.
In fact the whole situation is unfair on you all round.
I know you don't want to upset people, but you have to consider your own happiness in this - and if you don't want to live like this then only you have the power to change it.

@LadyFannyButton

He is currently in a good financial position

Of course he is, you’re paying for practically everything! No wonder you are feeling resentful.

You'd have to question the definition of a good financial position given that he can't afford to save and just about living within his means while not having any accommodation expenses....

So you are basically subsidising maintenance to his ex wife, who he won’t get divorced from?

You’re 26 and have bought your own home.

You have so, so many better options than continuing a this relationship with this man!

He is NOT in a ‘good financial position’.

It's hard to talk to him about the things I have an issue with. I am oversensitive and I do overreact so I don't trust myself with these issues. He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular

This is beginning to sound like abuse, or deliberate cocklodging at the very least - this "supportive, generous, lovely man" is slowly manoeuvering you into a position where you don't trust your own instincts and worry about how to phrase things, which is mindbending in itself

As PPs have said, part of his "loving" nature will be because of the cushy number he wants to keep; query things seriously and you'll soon see another side, probably garnished with a list of all your faults "which nobody else would put up with"

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Op my favourite piece of advice ever - don't cling onto a mistake just because you spent a long time making it

Cut your losses, and when you're out of the storm instead of being in the midst of it, you'll see the relationship, and how poorly you're being treated much more clearly and wonder why you put up with being treated like shit for so long.

It’s great advice but OP hasn’t even spent a long time making these mistakes. The relationship is only eight months old!

You’ve had some great advice on this thread, OP. You’re clearly very capable to have been able to buy a house independently at the age of 26. You are at the very beginning of your adult life and you are going to waste it on someone else’s mistakes.

WOW how did he manage ro land you! Does he at least pay most of the utility bills?

If he owns a home with his ex then he has money sitting there whilst he is living with you...

He needs to be paying 50% of the bills - water/has/electric/council tax as well as at least 50% of the food.

I guess I would be feeling him he needs to contribute more financially and leave him to work out his finances accordingly.

Seriously at your edge I think you need to end it tbh.

Did you say you moved into this house together in May? It’s only been a few weeks since then. No-one can be totally long-term settled in that time period.

I think this is something you’ll need to end. Yes, it will be hard for everyone and the children will suffer, but their father is responsible for them.

I think it’s right for you to end it, but also to learn some lessons here about not living with people too quickly and especially when children are involved. You have to take things extremely slowly and be very sure before you move children. The fact this has happened here is an error on your part, but mostly on their fathers. He is older and has responsibility for them, but doesn’t seem to be very responsible.

You shouldn’t stay becaue you think you owe it to the children. They have only lived in this house since the spring. This relationship isn’t going to make you happy and will end sooner or later.

He's only breaking even on his paycheque while being with me as he has debt payments and signifcantly overpays his child maintenance.

So you are subsidizing the maintenance he is paying for his ex/his dcs.....

I'd like to know what are those debts? Are they debts he created when he was with his ex (so basically shared stuff) or because he has been overpaying maintenance and actually cant afford to that? 15k is a lot of money as debt...

Run.

Sorry. But that is my advice.

You are only 26. You don't want children. And yet here you are with a slightly older guy with 3 young children that he wants you to step up and do more for, presumably so he can do less. AND you're paying more for the privilege.

It's not what you want. Run.

I’d say tell him to move out. And if you’re being generous then give him a month or two’s notice.

You’re 26, way too young to be tied down to a bloke who’s in debt, has 3 kids and isn’t bringing anything to the relationship.

You should be out there living your best life, not stuck playing step mum at your age.

Find someone who appreciates you and can share in your life rather than leeching all the joy out of yours. Or be single and have fun with friends

I feel disrespected and unloved that you are neither interested in divorcing or paying off your debt. I’m good enough to pay the mortgage and bills and you want me to do more with your children, but I’m not good enough for you to think about severing your marriage with your WIFE to respect me, or trying to manage your finances better so I’m not subsiding your payments to your WIFE and your debt. That’s how I feel and nothing you can say will change it

Perfect in every way - but as said, the "nice guy" image will disappear like a puff of smoke if it's delivered

He's completely taking advantage of your kindness. He sounds pathetic and I'd run. Get him out of your house at least. He obviously doesn't care how you feel because he dismisses you when you bring it up. You should put your happiness first.

Oh OP, what a sad situation for you. Of course, he loves you. What's not to love? You're the perfect solution to his financial woes.
Technically you're supporting a married man and his family, and it just wrong on so many levels.
What you said further down the thread sounds like he's bullying you into silence about his financial situation. He shuts you up, and keeps living a good life at your expense. He's not The One. And you certainly don't owe him or his kids who are his and his wife's responsibility anything.
You sound very unhappy with him.

So he pays nothing towards the mortgage, nothing towards the bills, only pays 2/3s of the grocery bill and his kids are there EVERY weekend? Throw this one back OP, you can do much better, he's completely taking you for a ride.

Where was he living before moving in with you? Surely he was able to have the kids there etc. He can go back to that kind of arrangement.

If he truly is a decent man then he would see that this situation is massively unfair on you and you’re being put in an extremely unfair position

You sound lovely, and you can do so much better than this.

His children will be fine, this arrangement hasn't been long term. I'll be honest I don't think there is any saving your relationship when you ask him to leave. I don't think you should save it.

He's going to plead with you, offer to divorce ASAP and make all sorts of promises he won't keep.

For a full time working adult who is only responsible for maintenance and a bit of shopping, £15k debt could be paid off pretty quickly. How much does he earn? Even on £20k a year it shouldn't take more than 18 months with what he's paying out.

I suspect He is either squandering money or the debt is significantly higher than he's telling you.

The children will be fine, they have two parents and extended family to love them. Please think about what you want for your own life.

I find it hard to believe that his kids will be THAT upset if they're only with you EOW in term time? I thought you were going to say that they're with you for the majority of the time.

As well as everything that everyone else has said (he's expecting way too much from you both financially and in terms of mothering his kids, he's in debt and may be lying to you about the extent of his debt, he won't even take active steps to get a divorce) the absolute worst bit IMO is that it sounds like he doesn't listen to you or respect your opinion when you disagree, but just pushes through his own view regardless. This is NOT a good sign for long-term relationship material.

I'm not surprised you're unhappy. I feel sad just from reading your situation.

I know you don't want to hear it but this is not a good relationship.

Have you been hurt a lot in the past or been through difficulties? Because your perspective is very distorted - I mean, you describe a very poor relationship and then a) declare that you love him and he's the one (why? he treats you so badly) and b) are fixated on rescuing everyone around you but yourself.

The children have known you less than 9 months and had rooms in this house for less than 4 months. They will be just fine. Are you trying to protect them from something that happened to you? Why the conviction that it is your responsibility to stay in an exploitative, unhealthy situation for the next seventy years for unrelated children you've known for 9 months?

It's not your job to try and save him either. That's for him to do. He is an adult. You have done more for him than you should have and are not actually helping him anyway.

At a certain point you need to recognise that you need to love and value yourself enough to save yourself and save your own life. If you loved yourself even a tiny bit you would not be contemplating staying in this situation.

Does your family know everything ab out him no contgributing aswell and not wanting to divorce his wife?

Where were they living before may surely you could have moved in with them without having to buy a house for them all

Chuck him and don’t look back.