How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

He didn’t listen. He didn’t respect your views. He made you feel that they were unreasonable.

Come on, OP. You know what you need to do.

What @ladygracie said…
He lives in your house and doesn’t pay rent. His debt absolutely is your business.
I’m sorry it wasn’t a useful chat.

It’s more than you’re business it’s your life! And he doesn’t respect you one bit. He contributes by feeding himself and his kids?
You’re meant to be partners but his debt is none of your business???
This isn’t a romantic love story that’s going to end in a white wedding OP. He doesn’t respect you or see you as a partner.
Say you want him out in a week. If he says where will he go say “it’s none of my business”

Your arguments were strong enough he just isn’t concerned that you’re unhappy. The problem is he’s got in good with you all on his own terms and he doesn’t see why he should change it now.

I think he is quite disrespectful actually.

Hang on, he is still married....isn't his wife liable for paying half that debt? And he is still liable for half of any new debt she gets into? He needs to divorce if only to sort that out!

He doesn't see any issue in living with you and BEING MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

OP, for your own sake just leave him. You shouldn't have to argue the point, or to "give him a strong enough reason to him to divorce". If he wanted to move on with his life, he would do so, and not need anyone giving him deadlines. However, if he's happy with the status quo...

Okay, if the debt is 'none of your business' then he needs to start contributing 50/50 to ALL bills and expenses. Because the reason you let him get away with his paltry contribution is that you want him to be able to pay it off quicker - but if it's none of your business then why would that matter to you?

In reply to your last bullet point, when he claimed to pay a greater share than you think, you need to start a spreadsheet and make an exact record of who pays how much towards the shared expenses in a month. So not including his expenses (debt, maintenance) but only the things that benefit both of you. Maybe seeing it in black and white will bring it home to him.

But most importantly, he MUST stop shutting you down and refusing to listen to your perfectly valid points. It sounds like he did it again tonight

I feel very confused and very sad. He said a lot of things that I can't quite recall - but I have no idea how to feel right now.

Yes you do confused and sad - because he is deliberately invalidating and undermining your opinions, wants, needs and values - with his non-compromising, subjugating words and actions.

You said it a few times - he doesn’t respect you.

Sounds like you are quite shocked by this revelation and sad. I hope you get angry quite soon.

He really is exploitative and believes he is fully entitled to YOUR time, energy and resources and you have zero say in this.

This is a very difficult and demanding man. Do you know why his marriage failed?

What was your Mums opinion? Did she see this thread?

S*ay you want him out in a week. And if he says where will he go say "it's none of my business
*
This OP, all of this. You can do so much better than this leech, he is taking you for an absolute fool and disrespecting you at the same time. If you let him get away with it, it will get worse over time as he will feel that you will not leave (speaking from bitter experience).

Well, he's railroaded you. Your arguments aren't STRONG enough? Who is he to judge? It's how you feel. You shouldn't have to justify. This isn't working for you. He isn't taking it on board. He's just trying to maintain the status quo.

GUARANTEED, in 6 months time you'll be in exactly the same position. And a year, and the year after that.

You need to realize that although you spoke your mind you accomplished absolutely nothing. You may feel better (although I don't know why) but nothing has changed.

He's still not going to divorce
He's still not interested in paying down his debt faster
He's still not going to contribute in a meaningful way to the household
He still expects you to pick up his parenting slack.

He's talked you round in circles and paid lip service. I'll bet he's happy with himself!

You need to get rid of him. I guarantee you'll be a lot happier (and have more money) if you do!

@Eddielzzard

Well, he's railroaded you. Your arguments aren't STRONG enough? Who is he to judge? It's how you feel. You shouldn't have to justify. This isn't working for you. He isn't taking it on board. He's just trying to maintain the status quo.

GUARANTEED, in 6 months time you'll be in exactly the same position. And a year, and the year after that.

Your arguments/reasons don’t have to be “strong enough” - this isn’t a power battle.

Any relationship should be a reciprocal, mutually, supportive and encouraging dynamic.

This isn’t what you have. He is dominating you and telling you bluntly to suck it up.

Don’t feel powerless and helpless.

Kick him out.

It doesn't sound as if the relationship is working for you. That's enough reason to end it, especially if things are unlikely to change. You don't need any further justification.

It all sounds so complicated... don't bog yourself down in some of the best years of your life dealing with this shit.

So are he and his children living at yours rent free? What about bills?

Ah op. You've got yourself a contingent man. Everything is great as long as his needs are met. If you squeak up about yours, he will forever railroad you till you pipe down. This is not love. He is not the man for you. Stop trying to square your unhappiness away. Your job is not to turn this man into your husband but to find a man who is worthy of that job.

Your life hasn't even begun yet - run

So he isn't actually listening or giving a shit about how any of this makes you feel. He's just going on the defensive so he can enjoy the cushy life you've created for him and his kids.

You need to separate and start anew. Good luck OP.

Why on Earth are you putting up with this bullshit OP? You really do deserve better than this belittling cocklodger.

Do yourself a favour and kick him out.

OP, I have been in almost exactly your situation so even though I will be going against most of the advice you have been given here, I give it from experience.
I met the love of my life who was separated with three children only a year or so older than your DP’s. He moved into my home of which I paid for everything and he had £20k of debt! We had the children EOW and all holidays, the house wasn’t big enough and I thought at times I was losing my mind with the stress of it all!
I wanted to leave so badly sometimes and did have really unhappy periods whereby I felt I had lost myself completely and all that mattered were him and his children.
But fast forward 5 years and he has paid off the debt, the children are fantastic and we now live in a beautiful home we bought together - have faith OP if he’s the one then tough times are not forever but your relationship could be.

Ok. Your post has a lot of effort so I’ll reply in kind.

1. you are correct. When someone says ‘you’re overthinking’, the main reason is to stop you coming at them. Or because they don’t like the conversation. If you’re going to have an adult relationship this involves being able to have adult conversations.

2. Of course his wife, kids and he are happy. His money provides for them whilst he lives off you. This also sounds like what he has said to you to stop you talking about the divorce.
   Here’s the reality. The divorce process is shit. No one who’s been through it raves about it, but you know what? We still get our situations sorted. He is delaying his divorce because he doesn’t want to do it. Plain and simple. Yes this will be at financial cost to you.

3. Boundaries; nothing you have outlined here is remotely unreasonable.
   He is living with you and sponging off you. He categorically owes you the basic respect of spelling out to you where his wife stands should he choose to divorce her.
   Debt services are for anyone with any level of debt who need help paying it down. His sanctimonious correction of its ‘only £11k’ is deflection. He still owes you an adult conversation about his timeline to pay it down.

Overall? My advice.

He’s done a real number on you. He’s got you to say ‘don’t divorce now (which is what he wanted), and also got you to remove a deadline. This for him is called a win win.

In terms of how this puts your life on hold? He’s really quite a narcissistic bully tbh. Because anyone with a half a brain cell knows how it puts your life on hold. He’s just bullied you into a corner.

His debt is not your business. Well legally it isn’t. And if you tell him to move out, it definitely isn’t. Given he’s living off you and you’ve allowed that to help him pay his debt, it is completely your business.

Re the buying a food shop, once again it’s deflecting from the issue in hand. He’s married. That means right now, if anything was to happen, his wife gets his estate (if he has anything aside from debt), any work life insurance pays out to her (not you)…the list is long. Him being married and refusing to start the divorce process is hugely relevant and would be to most people.

Op there was a thread here (I’ll try and find it), heartbreaking. About a younger poster who’s mum had cohabited with a man for decades and they had just found out that effectively had prioritised his family in his will. He never divorced and she stayed with him. It was a really sad thread.

Don’t be that person. This man is going to bleed you dry. He’s a taker. And he has zero remorse about taking from you to ensure his needs are met.

Please find the courage to get him out. Date him by all means. But get him out.

He doesn't want to get divorced as it keeps his options open. I wouldn't be surprised if he still has feelings for his ex, there really isn't any other logical explanation.

He has brushed your boundaries to one side because whilst he is enjoying the lifestyle you're paying for. He hangs around as it is cheap and convenient for him. He doesn't respect you and is not as emotionally invested as you.

You deserve better. Seriously he needs to move out. You need time to grieve the relationship and move on and find someone worthy of your time and emotions.

Escape. While you still can.

I would ask him & the kids to move out! You can carry on dating ( I would personally break up with him )
I feel Like you're being taken advantage of OP. Don't forget he is all nice & loving to you but he has a reason to be .. you're the main provider. Ask him to move out and understand where you're coming from and watch his reaction. If he really loves you and he's "the one" he'll understand you, move out, pay off his debt & get divorced ASAP ! I have a feeling he won't do any of the above

Thank you for your comments and responses.

I think... I think the fact that I came away from the conversation today feeling hollow and sad and confused tells me a lot. I could have felt reassured and heard and happier. But I really don't.

Things I have learned today - there is no point negotiating. Either I suck up the compromises I have to make to be with him or I don't. I am leaning more one way than the other.

For reasons I can't go into here, I can't end things or move him out of the house yet. But I do think I'm leaning that way. I need to talk to my mum too, as well as you vipers.

Thank you for all of your time and advice. I know people always want a fast and satisfying response from these threads - I won't be able to give you that but I am so appreciative of the sanity check that you are all giving me and I value every post.

Keep checking in.

@retiredat40

OP, I have been in almost exactly your situation so even though I will be going against most of the advice you have been given here, I give it from experience. I met the love of my life who was separated with three children only a year or so older than your DP’s. He moved into my home of which I paid for everything and he had £20k of debt! We had the children EOW and all holidays, the house wasn’t big enough and I thought at times I was losing my mind with the stress of it all! I wanted to leave so badly sometimes and did have really unhappy periods whereby I felt I had lost myself completely and all that mattered were him and his children. But fast forward 5 years and he has paid off the debt, the children are fantastic and we now live in a beautiful home we bought together - have faith OP if he’s the one then tough times are not forever but your relationship could be.

The crucial thing here is that the OP's DP is still married to someone else! If he doesn't divorce, and they buy a place together down the line, she could find her home up for grabs as part of "marital asset".

I hope your DP divorced before you bought your house together, as you really don't want to be in that position (especially if he has not written a will).