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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How much do I owe his kids?

600 replies

hilfehilfehilfe · 01/09/2021 09:41

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

OP posts:
Askingforfriend · 01/09/2021 16:38

It really sounds like this is not the guy for you.

He is financially taking advantage of you.

You aren't happy.

They are not your responsibility.

Wheresthebeach · 01/09/2021 16:38

@SpacePotato

Well hasn't he got it cushy. Conveniently found a woman able to pay for everything and expects her to co parent his children so he can outsource that responsibility too.

Fuck that. You're 26. You're not happy and he is why. Tell him he needs to move out.

This! With bells on.
TatianaBis · 01/09/2021 16:40

For various reasons, he has had a really hard time over the last 5/6 years. I think he thinks in moving in and being with me he has finally arrived at happiness after struggling for a long time. I don't think he realises it comes at my expense. I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

Loosely translated this means he has played the victim card given you a sob story to justify fleecing you.

If you were the real deal you would not be carrying him. There's no particular reason for you to be doing so - he earns more than you.

FoxgloveSummers · 01/09/2021 16:42

It's so hard having that realisation that someone you love and believe loves you actually has a deeply selfish dark side. I hope you're ok OP.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 01/09/2021 16:42

If you were the real deal you would not be carrying him. There's no particular reason for you to be doing so - he earns more than you.

100%

Men working decent jobs and earning decent jobs do not normally expect to be 'carried'. He's a grown up and he knows full well that his comfortable life is coming at your expense.

Sssloou · 01/09/2021 16:42

Listen to your gut - it’s your internal smoke alarm telling you to run …. your feelings are real and valid and you are only minimising them because his manipulative words echoing around in your head raising feelings of guilt and obligation to him are erasing / repressing your feelings.

He’s likely love bombed you.

Find out more (from the horses mouth) about why his wife kicked him out when she had 3 v young babies. That’s who he is.

OrangeTortoise · 01/09/2021 16:47

perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me you don't know this though. What if you're going through all this sacrifice and unhappiness, and it turns out he's not there to support you in future? Sad

toothpicklover · 01/09/2021 16:50

He is not a nice, kind man that adores you. You need some serious therapy if you think never paying anything towards living costs, shutting you down and not respecting you about his divorce.

There is no way I'd stay married to someone I didn't want to. There is clearly something else going on here and you putting yourself in a very precarious financial position. There is probably a very good reason why he is separated and I net you have not been told the truth!!

Of course he is happy he is 'cocklodging' with you, I expect you do an awful lot of the household chores, kids stuff and mental load.

His attitude towards you about the kids because I expect he wants you to do more so he can sit back on his arse and not bother.

You are 26 with your own home. He is 32 with 3 kids and loads of debt if he hasn't sorted his life out yet he never will.

Ask him to leave, you are far too young for this shit.

toothpicklover · 01/09/2021 16:51

You need some serious therapy if you think never paying anything towards living costs, shutting you down and not respecting you about his divorce. means he is a nice man!! That should have said.

OrangeTortoise · 01/09/2021 16:54

OP, we do get it. You sound like a lovely person, the kind of person who would hate to cause sadness to another person (particularly a child).

But honestly, this isn't the right relationship for you. By remaining in it you are sacrificing your happiness Sad

Be strong OP. Have you ever dumped anyone before?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2021 16:58

For various reasons, he has had a really hard time over the last 5/6 years. I think he thinks in moving in and being with me he has finally arrived at happiness after struggling for a long time. I don't think he realises it comes at my expense

It isn't up to you to provide his happiness; you can contribute to it, but his mindset's for him to sort out ... and yes, he'll realise what he's doing perfectly well, but do it anyway because it suits him

I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me

As so many of us have said, do a bit less of the carrying and watch the "long haul" disappear (and the more overt abuse to start)
Or better still just chuck him out, because it's obvious he'll try VERY hard to maintain his cushy position / talk you round

Askingforfriend · 01/09/2021 17:00

But honestly, this isn't the right relationship for you. By remaining in it you are sacrificing your happiness

And you are making it harder on the children who will become more attached to you the longer it goes on.

whoopsnomore · 01/09/2021 17:02

If he is "in it for the long haul" he will listen and understand when you say things have moved too fast and you want to change how things stand at the moment.
The fact you are apprehensive about even raising the topic shows this is not a healthy or an equal partnership. A man who really loves, values and respects you will be alert to you feeling unhappy and open to discussing changes you can make as a couple. I suspect you know deep down this won't happen, he will dismiss or browbeat you into dropping it.
OP, would it help to have a plan or "script" for the conversation you need to have? I agree with other PP who suggest having a friend or family member there to back you up.
Like I said, if he's in it for the long haul, he will be prepared to make changes and would regret having made you unhappy. If...

SarahBop · 01/09/2021 17:02

Why do you live together? Didn't he have his own place [the childrens second home] before you lived together?

Don't tell me...he was sofa surfing or in a bedsit and you just happened to come along and provide him and his kids a free roof over their heads Sad

grapewine · 01/09/2021 17:04

I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul

If that was the case, he would have taken steps to divorce.

Original poster
hilfehilfehilfe · 01/09/2021 17:05

Again, thank you all for your comments and replies. You have given me a lot to think about and I definitely will properly consider what all of you have said. I don't know what I expected from the thread but I didn't expect it to be so unanimous. It is clear that things shouldn't continue as they currently stand.

I'm going to be talking the thread through with my mum over the weekend (hi Mum, love you Flowers) and hopefully together we will come up with a plan.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/09/2021 17:09

Have only read your posts OP, but I'm pretty sure I'll just be repeating what others have already told you.

FUCK ME, HE SAW YOU COMING, DIDN'T HE??

Separated from his wife and won't divorce (waiting for her to want to divorce, my arse!), £thousands in debt, three small children. Finds a younger, solvent woman who provides a roof over his head and for his children.

And then there's this -
"He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular."
Yes I bet he does push back strongly and is very defensive! He can't let you slip away, you're his mealticket! Can't have you questioning him!

"I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this."
Yup, he wants you to step up to being a stepmum because he then gets to step down. He's not looking for a third parent, he's happy with two and he'd prefer those two to be mum and you. Of course he resents you dodging that bullet, because then he's required to do the parenting himself (which you think he does quite badly, no?). After all, he's outsourced the adulting to you, why not the parenting too?

"I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me."
You feel trapped because he's doing his damnedest to trap you. You are a catch, and he wants you to stay caught.And how can he possibly be "great, thoughtful, supportive" when his default behaviour when you raise issues is to push back strongly and try to make you feel unreasonable?

I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy.""
You don't owe him or his kids anything. They live with their mum, they have friends there, they have bedrooms there. 'There' is their main home with their main (resident) parent. Your home is where they come every other weekend, and it is their dad's responsibility to provide somewhere, not yours. That you think it is down to you demonstrates that he really has done a number on you, OP. You call it pushing back, I think I'll call it manipulationSad.

Please, please, step away from this parasite. Ask - tell! - him to move out. You're not making him homeless, he just has to go back to the work-provided accommodation. And give you some space from him and the life he is determined you should adopt.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2021 17:10

Don't tell me...he was sofa surfing or in a bedsit

OP said they were both living in company-provided accommodation, but she managed to get out and he hasn't

She also mentioned it was a bit crap, so no wonder he's so keen to continue cocklodging

ChargingBuck · 01/09/2021 17:12

@hilfehilfehilfe

Again, thank you all for your comments and replies. You have given me a lot to think about and I definitely will properly consider what all of you have said. I don't know what I expected from the thread but I didn't expect it to be so unanimous. It is clear that things shouldn't continue as they currently stand.

I'm going to be talking the thread through with my mum over the weekend (hi Mum, love you Flowers) and hopefully together we will come up with a plan.

Oh well done OP.

Will you go & stay with you mum?
You would really benefit from being outside of this controlling, burdensome dynamic for a weekend.
And please - PLEASE - be as honest with your mum as you have been here. I dare say she will be horrified to learn how much you have been carrying.

OrangeTortoise · 01/09/2021 17:14

Hello OP's Mum!

Please help your lovely daughter to see her own worth. I think her partner is taking advantage of how nice she is.

mindutopia · 01/09/2021 17:15

I can't help but think that if he only has his kids for 72 hours EOW, realistically, his kids are only there at your house for 6 days a month on average, or say 24 days, ever. Obviously, I expect you've had them a bit more than that this past month with the summer holidays. But children's lives will not be all that changed by 24 ish days in a new house. That's also way too soon to be taking on parenting responsibilities for them.

tortoiselover100 · 01/09/2021 17:16

We'll done, you've got yourself a cocklodger. You owe his children nothing and you owe him nothing.

Have a chat with him and be honest and tell him you feel suffocated and like you're paying for everything and don't want to be as involved a step mum as he wants you to be then see what he says.

Keep having those conversations and encouraging him to find somewhere else.

You really shouldn't have his kids there without him, I think that's inappropriate if you are no longer in a relationship with him. What would his wife think of that idea?

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 17:18

@hilfehilfehilfe

Again, thank you all for your comments and replies. You have given me a lot to think about and I definitely will properly consider what all of you have said. I don't know what I expected from the thread but I didn't expect it to be so unanimous. It is clear that things shouldn't continue as they currently stand.

I'm going to be talking the thread through with my mum over the weekend (hi Mum, love you Flowers) and hopefully together we will come up with a plan.

Look after yourself. I'll be sending positive vibes your way.

(Hello hilfehilfehilfe's mum! You have a very kind and caring daughter.)

GrandmaSteglitszch · 01/09/2021 17:18

I'm going to be talking the thread through with my mum over the weekend

Excellent!
Ask your mum to read the whole thread, and I hope you'll be having the weekend at her place so you can have a relaxing time away from your partner's influence.

Rannva · 01/09/2021 17:21

I see threads like this about 3-4 times a week and I say the same thing - all he wants is to offload his parenting duties on another woman. Saturday dad doesn't even want to be Saturday dad. So he reels you in and tells you "you're mum now." And fucks off to the golf.

His kids are absolutely not your responsibility and shouldn't be impacting your life.

I've seen women of 20, 22, 23 in tears of utter despair as their so-called beloved partners have even invited children to live with them, and demanded they "parent them now", you're "the stepmum now", even if they're barely older than the kids themselves. No relationship, just a free babysitter.

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