How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

But WHY would you think that, OP?
He doesn't want to divorce his current wife, he doesn't want to pay off his debts, he doesn't want to make a single financial contribution to your living expenses, he doesn't want to accept that you are already doing enough for his kids, & he shuts you down every time you try to raise your own perfectly reasonable & valid feelings.

He's not taking care of you in any way - right now.

He has not taken a single step to honour the commitment he accepted about divorce & debt when he moved in to your home.
Why is he going to have a personality change & suddenly step up at some unspecified point?

There's a phrase for the pup he's selling you - please google "future faking."

While you're at it - have a look at "love bombing", "financial abuse" & "coercive control". And don't have any doubts - you are still defending this man, who is absolutely using & abusing you.

Stop listening to his words, & start looking at his actions.

Make the break. It will be hard at first but ultimately better for you all. I was in a similar situation and stayed with someone for my stepson. we split eventually and had just been prolonging the inevitable also dragging it out for DSS

I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

And what if that time never comes? There are no guarantees in this life, you know. Especially when the person waiting for 'that time' is already sitting in the catbird seat.

Much better to wait until BOTH people are in a position to carry their own weight and then move in together as equal partners. What happens after that is at least being made from a level playing field, not from one person looking to improve their position.

For various reasons, he has had a really hard time over the last 5/6 years many people have had hard time. But he is still not your responsibility, and the kids will be fine moving back. They haven't known you that long so it will just be like when they move classes at school. They are his responsibility and it sounds like it might be a good idea for him to realise this.

OP have a read of this post to see where this could end up www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4325171-Possibly-a-sensitive-topic-but-AIBU-to-say-no-to-this

I think he is taking you for a mug. he gets accomodation, financial support and a place for his children. He is pushing you to do all the wife/mother work when he has his children so the pressure is off him. honestly, I would move on and find someone better suited to you. this man is not the right one and the longer you stay (or let him stay) the more pressure you will feel to stay for his children.

*please google "future faking."

While you're at it - have a look at "love bombing", "financial abuse" & "coercive control".*

Yes please do this. You seem like you have a really good future ahead of you, please listen to all the people on this thread. It is so unusual for a thread to be unnanimous like this.

I don't think he realises it comes at my expense

Oh.
Is he a bit thick then?

Are you seriously still trying to convince yourself that his refusal to do one single thing you want, while he browbeats you about your "attitude" & "sensitivity" & "emotions", is coming from a good guy?

How do you think he has failed to notice that you are paying all the bills, you are housing him & his children, & you are increasingly unhappy with shouldering the entire burden for a married man?

Of course he bloody realises.
It's just horribly uncomfortable for you to face the fact that he knows exactly what he is doing to you. It's easier to pretend that he's an innocent victim of circumstance.

There's only one victim here OP, & that's you.
Until you are able to accept that, you will remain burdened & unhappy.

This man is using you. Watch how he behaves when you start withdrawing & saying NO to being his cash cow. You'll see he's not a good guy then. He will follow the script - "devastation", more love-bombing, more emotional blackmail, & eventually blaming you, nastiness, & threats.

You've already had a taste of how he will operate - how do you feel when he negs you for your "attitude" to his kids, & guilt-trips you about not doing/being enough for them?
He will ramp that right up OP - he knows very well how to manipulate your kind & giving heart.

Oh daring. You don't owe his children anything.

But you do owe yourself a reality check.

This bloke is taking you for a mug. He will bleed you dry.

Please walk away now.

If you had a daughter OP and she was telling you these things, would you think oh yes poor dear man, she's really got herself a catch there, couple of years all would be rosy? Because if my daughter was in your position, and writing the stuff you are here, I'd feel utterly sick. This is co-dependence at best, not a loving relationship.

"I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here." - I think you're feeling this waaaay more than would have occurred to someone normally, given they're only with you part of the time. Is that because a) you're a rescuer (no judgement) b) he's made you feel that way by banging on about how much they love it there, how great it is, how awful the alternative was etc etc so you feel pre-emptively guilty about the idea of this situation stopping? I honestly don't think the kids are going to give a shit about staying somewhere different for the weekend - after just three months of staying at yours? Jeez. But something or someone has made you feel like this would be catastrophic and therefore the move is irreversible.

Leaving aside what everyone else is saying about finances, I think the real sticking point here is that he doesn't want to commit to your relationship by taking his finances seriously or getting divorced and leaving himself open to marry you, but he DOES want you to be a co-parent with him to his kids. It's take take take isn't it, with little give? Not just financially but also in terms of anything that's at all difficult for him, while you consistently put yourself out.

What do you think has been the most "tiring" thing about all this, in particular?

"I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me."

This is contradicted by his reluctance to file for divorce. If he's legally bound to his wife, then how is he planning to support you? What "good faith" effort is he making NOW to provide evidence to you that he will reciprocate later? All you describe is that if you ask him for compromise then he pushes back strongly and makes you feel unreasonable. The equation does not add up.

Jeez OP. I haven’t RTFT, but so many alarm bells.

1. His divorce - you have protected yourself financially thus far, however you are exposed by his lack of divorce. He needs to sort that - himself. His lack of action / waiting on his wife to meet someone serious is a huge red flag
2. I am not a legal expert by any means - but you are potentially setting a precedent here by housing his children with him paying sweet FA. What I’m saying is over time, this potentially exposes you financially also. Red flag.
3. He pushes back Hard when you raise these issues. Get, him, out. He’s a bully and he comes back at you hard to prevent you from having the proper adult conversations you have every right to have. This isn’t one red flag, it’s a field of red flags.

He is categorically taking your generosity for granted. Of course he’s great with you and his family love you. If someone housed my children and myself for free I’m sure I’d be lovely with them and my family would think I’d landed on my feet!

Listen, you did this from a good / kind place. Good on you. His subsequent choices are why you are where you are. That’s on him.

If your relationship is strong, it will weather this. But you have to get your home back, you’re taking on far too much and (I think) exposing yourself.

You don’t ‘owe’ the children anything nor should you be concerned about your families and friends (agree with pp that they don’t ‘love’ him surely.)

More than 100,000 couples get divorced in the U.K. every year. Some of them have spent decades together. How do they manage? In comparison you have only just met this bloke and his children.

I think he thinks in moving in and being with me he has finally arrived at happiness after struggling for a long time. I don't think he realises it comes at my expense. I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

May I refer you back to my previous, slightly facetious, post about mustard? You've known this man for less than a year.

Good point from pp there that if he is in it for the ‘long haul’ and you’re the ‘real deal,’ why is he still married with no intention of divorcing?

I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

Love, if he really thought that he would have divorced his wife.

He may not even realise what he is doing, he may not be a bad person... but he has made some very poor decisions, and seems to be continuing to make them.

You need to make good ones. You need to ask him to move out (and if he wants to stay in the area to help the transition for his children, he will have to rent).

You are only 26. It is great to make some mistakes and learn about setting boundaries. This will be a great lesson... but only if you extricate yourself and work our what you want from life. You have so many wonderful adventures ahead of you....

Oh op

Your living in a fantasy land I love him soooo much were each others one
This all sounds like wishful thinking and immature teen talk

He's manipulated you very fast in to your current situation
He's got a cushy number plus back up baby sitter and shag on tap
His wife is probably laughing her self silly
Who pays to feed the kids when they're round ?

Take the rise tinted glasses off and smell the coffee, your people pleasing role is ruining your life, that's how blokes like him latch on

the main bit for me is he resents your attitude about his kids , he wants you activily being a stepmum to them even though you dont want your own , this alone would make me feel cushed by a burden , they arent your kids , they are his and they have their own mother . they arent even living with you all the time , its not like hes got full time residency of them ,

when i was 32 i moved in with a man that had a son from a previous marriage and he had told me it was eow , well it wasnt , more like a fri afternoon straight after school through to sun , if id been remotely motherly , i might have handled it ,but i went from having every weekend free to none at all , he was under 10 so it wasnt like a teen that just does their own thing and i didnt at that point want kids either

it just made me so resentful , every weekend the same , i left after 2 years . i did go on to have my own child in time , but i honestly think 26 is too young to be feeling this weight from a relationship .

i think the reason why your feeling this way is because whilst you may have decided its easier for him to move in etc etc, you havent really choosen all this stuff you now have ,

its not the same as meeting someone , make plans to move in together , chat about starting a family , its just all happened for you and very fast really ,
you dont owe his kids anything although i can well understand how guilty you would feel about them if you end it . but dragging it out another 2 or 3 years will make it even harder to do then ,they will be even more settled in .

He is very sure of himself and pushes back strongly when I try to raise an issue, and he can be very defensive on certain topics - his parenting and his financial situation in particular.

And he significantyy overpays maintenance and is paying off his debt.

What that actually means is that you are both:

1. Paying for the the majori tyof his living expenses
2. Paying off some of his debt and his maintenance
3. He doesn't even feed you, I assume his 2/3 grocery money pays for him and his kids and maybe you get breakfast out of it!

Because if you didn't house him he wouldn't be able to be so generous to his ex and kids or to settle his debts.

And he doesn't want to discuss that with you because... you might sudenly realise that he is living virtually for free.

And you love him beacuse... well, it's your heart isn't it? He adores you, says all the right things, cleans the house, including the toilet? Hoovers, dusts, does the dishes, washing clothes, ALL the housework, because that is how he makes up for not paying for anything.

What's that? He doesn't do all of that? None of it?

A divoce costs a few hundred piounds if both parties are amicable about it!

He is using you. You are effectively paying for him to love you! Is he REALLY worth it? Can you REALLY seee a near future in which he will be debt free and picking up his fair share of costs? Picking up additional bills etc to make up his current total shortfall?

Think it through and then choose what is best for you.

You owe him nothing

You owe his kids nothing.

You owe yourself a duty of care. You said yoursefl you are not happy. So why let some misplaced sense of repsponsibility keep you there?

Basically, tell him, and your in love heart, to fuck off! You deserve better, from him and yourself!

This part made me so sad …

He's not a big bad abuser. For various reasons, he has had a really hard time over the last 5/6 years. I think he thinks in moving in and being with me he has finally arrived at happiness after struggling for a long time. I don't think he realises it comes at my expense. I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

It’s all about his wants and needs. His kids wants and needs. His wife’s wants and needs. And they’re all taking from you. 26 is too young for all this. Be free !

For various reasons, he has had a really hard time over the last 5/6 years. I think he thinks in moving in and being with me he has finally arrived at happiness after struggling for a long time. I don't think he realises it comes at my expense. I think his view is that we are in it for the long haul, we're the real deal so perhaps now I'm carrying us but in the future when it's his turn he'll pick me up and support me.

No he won’t.

Why did he walk away from his 3 v young children? Why would he step up for you when he couldn’t step up for his DCs?

Why did his marriage end?

I suspect it has something to do with his obstructive, domineering conflict resolution style.

You are not a team - he is burdening you. He is not caring or respectful or kind to your needs but expects you to house / parent him and his DCs.

This is not an equal / mutual RS - I suspect that is what his wife recognised.

He has targeted you and you are his meal ticket and co-parent.

He hasn’t kept to the deal that you set out when you moved in around debt - you asked about boundaries - you put one in - he hasn’t kept to it and neither have you.

Yes, you’ve noticed that the things you’re doing to benefit him and his DC are directly and literally at your expense!

As PPs suggest, if you’re not sensible enough to run for the hills, ask him to move out and take a big step back in your relationship. If he is a good partner, he will be OK with this

If, as we all suspect, he’s a cocklodging user, he won’t.

You are fundamentally incompatible. He wants kids, you don't. As you say, they have a perfectly good Mother. They can go live there full time i

This man has no consideration for you. He hasn't even done you the decency of starting divorcing his wife. He is selfish and only thinks about his own point of view.

Tell him that you feel suffocated and you need him to move out by the end of the month. As he is not divorced, he can move back into the family home, I guess if all else fails, I guess.

I don't think he realises it comes at my expense. Oh sweetheart, he knows, that is why he keeps pushing back hard when you try to discuss your feelings with him. I mean, he'd have to be a simpleton not to know that the reason life for him is now so cushy is because you are looking after all his needs, and nowhere in your description of him have you indicated he is thick. He isn't thick, he knows exactly what he has and the reason he doesn't want to listen to you is because he doesn't want to hear any complaints from you, he just wants his cushy lifestyle to continue at your expense.