A message to those who post ‘you knew what you were getting into’

[sassbott]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4323771-Regret-having-children

Lovely brave thread here from parents, discussing whether anyone regrets having children. From what I’ve read so far, there is a real mixed bag of responses. But there generally seems to be some common consensus.

1. admitting publicly that you regret having children is unlikely to go down well and you have to be super careful where (and whom) you share those honest feelings
2. the pressure on women to have to want to ‘procreate’ continues.

So in much the same way SM’s are piled in on here for voicing those feelings - some parents in RL experience the same.
And the same pressure that we see Sm’s in particular facing regards how they should feel regards children is the same pressure women who have chosen to not have children feel.

So the next time someone says ‘you knew what you were getting into, why are you with someone who had children’ perhaps show them this thread.
Parents struggle too. It’s hard. So why should step parents be able to voice the exact same feelings?

But it's different with step children, inasmuch as you can "try before you buy" - spend time with them, observe their relationship with their father and so on. I appreciate it would be very hard to discontinue your relationship if you weren't comfortable with the stepchildren, but you do have a choice to proceed or not.

@Optimist1

But it's different with step children, inasmuch as you can "try before you buy" - spend time with them, observe their relationship with their father and so on. I appreciate it would be very hard to discontinue your relationship if you weren't comfortable with the stepchildren, but you do have a choice to proceed or not.

I agree with this. It's not the same because you get to experience it before committing and it's possible to walk away at any point.

My work colleague is a sm. No dc of her own.
The bio mum is an aggressive alcoholic.
I don't know how work colleague has coped at times.
She's amazing.

I think for me, it's that the problematic issues that can come with a step relationship are widely documented and the potential for those to manifest is surely known from the start.

The demands and stresses of parenting your own children are also documented and known but I think are far less likely to be a source of regret than they are with kids who aren't your own.

When I started dating after divorce I set a rule that if a man had kids, they had to be at least 18 for me to consider dating him. Still no guarantee of a smooth relationship but some of the pitfalls are removed. I was 44 when I started dating again, so that won't work for younger women, but then they are more likely to meet men with no kids.

*not be able to voice their own feelings even.

Personally I have found the thread really helpful and help adjust my mindset slightly. I continue to face consistent (albeit subtle) hints from my partner that my unwillingness to want to blend more with his children is in some way unnatural/ abnormal.

I resent that subtle messaging so much and it has made me question myself in recent weeks as to whether there is indeed something ‘wrong’ with me.

I’m divorced. I have a very amicable and boundaried relationship with my exh. As a result our children (touchwood) are healthy and settled individuals who move between us with zero conflict. I work FT in a stressful job. I am getting older and find I cannot move at the speed I moved a decade ago, so try and work really hard to balance my well-being with the needs of my family.

This expectation that on top of my life, I should then want to be more hands on/ involved with even more children is simply not fair. I don’t expect any man to come into my life and help me with my children. I don’t expect any man to love/ care for/ provide for my children the way I do. That is my role as their mum, along with my exh.

I don’t think anyone around me expects my partner to want to do more either. No one in my family/ friends group questions how hands on he is with my children.

However my partner has recently (once again) bought up that ‘people’ (I am due to bottom out who these people are) do not understand why I don’t wish to be more involved with his children. Apparently my feelings ‘are not normal’ and ‘no one understands.’ 🤷🏽‍♀️

Mind boggling levels of double standards really.

I’d be interested in peoples opinions on some of the things I’ve raised. And also advice really. On how to handle this once and for all with my partner.

My sense is that ultimately (and I have tried this before) is that we need to bottom out whether both our needs are being met through this relationship. If ultimately my patners wish is for ‘family’ (where a woman is hands on with his children), then that partner is not me and we remain at a core level incompatible.

I thought we had bottomed this out as we have only recently reconciled after a break up over core differences like this. His recent comment however makes it clear that we have more talking to do.

I guess that reading that thread has reiterated to me that parenting is hard. I have my hands full. Why is it fair/ normal for me to then face this pressure to do more for children that aren’t even mine?

@oohthatrisottowasnice

I think for me, it's that the problematic issues that can come with a step relationship are widely documented and the potential for those to manifest is surely known from the start.

The demands and stresses of parenting your own children are also documented and known but I think are far less likely to be a source of regret than they are with kids who aren't your own.

When I started dating after divorce I set a rule that if a man had kids, they had to be at least 18 for me to consider dating him. Still no guarantee of a smooth relationship but some of the pitfalls are removed. I was 44 when I started dating again, so that won't work for younger women, but then they are more likely to meet men with no kids.

I did the same.

Broke that rule once and it was a disaster and I never even got the length of introducing children.

Thing is, with step children, you do know how your partner parents, how they behave with their children, and if there are issues with the other parent - and if you don’t like it you should end the relationship just as you would if they were fundamentally incompatible in any other way.

However my partner has recently (once again) bought up that ‘people’ (I am due to bottom out who these people are) do not understand why I don’t wish to be more involved with his children. Apparently my feelings ‘are not normal’ and ‘no one understands.’

Why does he care what other people think over what you want? That would annoy me so much. You can't dismiss someone's feelings like that.

@Optimist1 there is no try before you buy in most situations however. That is a very simplistic outlook. Why?

Well most responsible parents will date away from their children for a substantial period of time. I know I did for 9-10 months. For my partners DC we waited 12 months. By that point feels are already quite serious and it takes a degree of commitment to take that first step. I didn’t introduce another man to my children lightly. In over 6 years post separation, I have only introduced my children to one man. If this relationship doesn’t work out, I won’t introduce them to anyone else until they are adults.

Secondly the problems may not surface for then another 6-12 months (maybe even more). For me, the problems with the ex (and therefore the children), didn’t surface until 18 months - 2 years into my relationship. So what should I have done at that point? Walk away because an exwife was intent on trying to break us up?

So he's complaining about you to everyone?
He's an arse.

The issues with the ex didn't surface until I married DH. So I did "try before I buy" and do reading and nothing prepared me for the simple pettiness of a jealous ex who was prepared to feed lies into her own children's heads.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

So he's complaining about you to everyone? He's an arse.

Yes good point, who is he talking to about this?

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves @IWasBornInAThunderstorm that is exactly what I plan to bottom out in the next few weeks when we are both child free. I’ve been too wrapped up in work/ school holiday juggling and holidays to focus on it. Now with the kids back in school snd back to our routine, that is the exact question I plan to ask.

Any advice / input/ views welcome.

@sassbott

I’m afraid that I think your partner had been duplicitous… not great

I will add. The spirit of this thread is openness and debate - with respect please. All views/ opinions welcome. Let’s just not try and allow it to descend into unhelpful rhetoric as so many threads can on here.

I think you're right here:

If ultimately my patners wish is for ‘family’ (where a woman is hands on with his children), then that partner is not me and we remain at a core level incompatible.

You're going to have to go over it again with him. It is normal for you to not want to take on a "mum-type" role with your stepchildren. He needs to respect your feelings not dismiss them.

@Bonheurdupasse that too is my concern. That he hasn’t listened / taken on my boundaries and fully accepted them.
And if he has accepted them at some level, it’s clear there is an underlying resentment that I feel this way towards his children. Which again I do not understand. From my perspective I have been super clear about how I wish to move forward.

What is he wanting in terms of "hand on ness"? Do you know? If not I'd ask him to be clear on that.

I agree with your comment about your boundaries. He hasn't listened or he's listened and is hoping to push them.

@sassbott I think he is saying he wants you to be of a mother figure to his children because a more blended family is his ‘ideal’… (& maybe to those around him)

Not sure whether he has taken your views, energy and resources into account in anyway…

Does he want to do more for your children as well? Is this a two way street? Sorry if I missed that bit.

I think a large problem is that so many people (parents and step parents alike) DON’T know what they’re getting into. Lots of people don’t spend any significant amount of time around kids until they have their own! I honestly think parenting should be taught in schools.

As for step parents specifically- it’s a difficult thing. I do think if your partners kids are a huge issue, usually the best thing to do is walk away.

And it can be difficult when the parents don’t get on and if they’re still making drama. (My ex pissed me off this week by referring to the girl he’s been dating for about a month as “DS’s stepmum” even though they’re internet-dating and haven’t even MET!)
I don’t want to be one of those who automatically is against the dad’s new partner, as I have a stepdad who I’m closer to than my real dad.
I realise this post is a bit rambling, I've got a lot of thoughts on the subject.

Does he do for /feel for your children everything he is expecting you to do / feel for his?

Thing is, with step children, you do know how your partner parents, how they behave with their children, @Miniroofbox

That depends how old the kids are when you meet. OHS kids were a few months and 3 so although I knew what he was like with kids that age I didn't know what he would be like with an 8 and 4 year old

@IWasBornInAThunderstorm thank you. I will do that.

My issue is this. My children are teens. His are much younger. When they were all younger, the age gap wasn’t a problem. Now? It is. My eldest doesn’t want to spend his time with much younger children, especially those who are not related to him and with whom he has no shared interests.

He just about tolerates his younger siblings. So in very real terms, that is one dynamic I am managing. I’ll give an example, over the summer hols (when we had the nice weather), he invited 3 4 of his friends over. All teens. All going through those years of becoming young men.
I don’t know how much time you have all spent with formative teens but it was eye opening in terms of their ‘banter’ (which I moderated to some extent), but also their behaviour. They’re just not little children anymore. It was a perfectly enjoyable afternoon. The younger siblings sort of felt a bit excluded from time to time but thats life. They mucked in occasionally and then did their own thing occasionally. I can manage those dynamics because my eldest is also completely cognizant that this is their home as much as it is theirs. And the friends know them too and are good with them.

My partner knew this was happening and yet still messaged to see if he could bring his kids over. I refused. Explained that my eldest had his friends over, it wasn’t appropriate (and it wasn’t given their language and banter at times) but also their play was pretty physical/ roughhousing. They took over the garden, which is absolutely fine in my book.

In my view, trying to then layer in the needs of much younger children, during EOW contact time would have made that so much more stressful for me. His children would have been categorically excluded. My eldest would have been beyond unhappy that these kids were over when he has invited his friends to his home. And I would have been caught in the middle trying to make them watch their language / banter even more. Free up the basketball hoop etc to let the younger ones play and so on and so on.

It would have taken a lovely fun filled afternoon (which I enjoyed) to one which I wouldn’t have done. Stretched too thin trying to meet everyone’s needs.

Yes I get it, I could ask my kids to compromise. And they do, when it’s just them regards my partners children. But I don’t think it’s fair to ask my kids to compromise on a hot sunny day when their friends are over for a day of water fights etc.

So in my mind, I’m like ‘why would you even ask? How do you not look at that set up and instinctively think ‘that’s the last place I need to take my kids, and @sassbotts children will want free run of their home.’

It’s that sort of inability to look at the wider dynamics at play that I simply cannot get my head round.

@Optimist1

But it's different with step children, inasmuch as you can "try before you buy" - spend time with them, observe their relationship with their father and so on. I appreciate it would be very hard to discontinue your relationship if you weren't comfortable with the stepchildren, but you do have a choice to proceed or not.

@Doyoumind no its not as simple as you can walk away when you wish, especially not when you have your own children with said partner. A lot of the time the realisation, deep complex emotions and countless issues that come up happen once your own child is bought into the mix.

If you've been super clear about how you want the relationship to progress and he can't/won't respect your views .... even after a break up ... then why are you still with him? Surely your peace, sanity, self respect and your own children's happiness is worth more than whatever this man can offer you? .

Are you the poster who had the disastrous holiday with your DP and his DC?