Weekend chaos

[mommabear2386]

Need some support from step mums… my 3 have came as usual and on Wednesday my SD 15 has said she wants to talk to us about a way to approach her mum about feelings… she’s annoyed and frustrated with some of her step dads behaviour such as taking control of all the parenting and keeps making one rule for his children and another for them. As well as constantly telling them he pays for them and they should be grateful he provides etc etc basically a teenage girl needing to chat things through with her mom about feelings being hurt / angered.

Now I’ll add she is a lovely kid very helpful and polite so this is not teenager angst and her making life difficult.

We suggest a few things and she decides she will talk to her mum and also she wants to spend more time at ours if possible ( currently EOW And half hols) now dad works nights full time I work 30 hours Monday Friday. We suggest we could do 50/50 week here week there if that would help? It would be a juggle as school is not is walking distance and no bus route so would depend on lifts both ways every day again difficult with shifts at time but we would make it work.

SD talks to mum and all hell breaks loose. Mum is very defensive over step dad basically angry at SD for saying these things as he does support the family etc. Ignores all her point and stays 50 / 50 won’t work. It’s here or there as is now. Now here full time will be very difficult with school as well as as I mentioned dads full times nights so that’s a lot of responsibility on me I’ve been clear from day dot I don’t want.

Three days of these and there has been no compromise only anger My partner has rang and just got shot down and told the same Thing and she kept texting SD ‘have you made a decision on where you’re staying yet?’ Super stressful and made SD even more dreading contact.

Because it’s my partners daughter I’d had to agree she lives here now. I do care for her and she’ll be no trouble I don’t think.

I should mention we have bio son 3 together also who I'm now irrationally afraid of spending less time with and feel so gutted about this. Our every move in the week / hols have to involve SD..

Partner can’t moves jobs we would lose too much money and he loves it so although that’s always been my firm line in the sand it can’t be done and I accept that. 😞 from sounds of things this isn’t going to change, has anyone had a step child move in in similar circumstances?

I could really do with friendly advice right now I’m so anxious and stressed, please 'what would you do if mum died comments'

DH willl step up and do school runs unless I offer he's a good dad he just can't help this situation we have fought about it but I know he can't make her be somewhere she doesn't want to be so I have no choice but to stand by on this and see where it goes

Mediation with an abuser in the mix is always a terrible idea

A natural thing? A 15 year old leaving her home, her mother? WTAF?

I have an almost 16yo, no fucking way is he about to be distanced from me to the effect that he doesn’t live with me at all!

No coffee! No way! I would not think she owes him a speck of her time at the moment, better to have some distance!

Unfortunately guys mum has made it clear that a relationship needs fixing or building between SD and step dad before there's gets looked at? Which is just crazy DH has called to say 'come on do you even hear yourself??' But she's just saying he's not going anywhere so she needs to adjust it.

Ok a massive plus I have been really enjoying her here! We've had loads of time apart so no pressure at night time..but I've been picking her up and we've had a good chat and laugh ok the way home all about her mates and gossip etc. You can tell she's never had this relationship with her mum which is so sad and I want to still get ok track but it's really not hopefully...

Although one really frustrating things is we are going away next may and we were refused SD to come with us as mum said she had exams and it was a important year plus they were all already going in aug/sept. So we had to book just the three of us. Now to be told that mom Step dad and the other 5 children are going abroad next year but SD is now not invited.

We can't afford to add her on as its £890 just for single supplement as adult over 16 when travelling (whole holiday was only £1.091!) so now we feel bad she's fine but understands and is happier with other elements but I hate to say it I really want to tell her mum exactly what I think of her!!!!

FYI DH said the coffee dates weren't happening unless mum was there so we think that's sparked the holiday refusal... no offer to see SS only for mum time it's just a joke..... sorry for the venting...

@Namechangedzzz god it's awful but I would love her to record just so we got a true insight as we really hear bits and bobs and I know she dresses things down as she doesn't want to anger dad etc in case something said tips him over the edge to maybe go over and voice his opinion!

@mommabear2386 Jesus this wasn't the update I was hoping you would give I'm not going to lie.

That women needs to give her head a wobble, I doubt SD will be the last sibling to leave the nest early due to SF. As a mum I'm angry for her and for you.

I think send all that anger, wrap it in a bow and focus on SD. I fear SD will just get the heat if you go after the mum. Sadly. Keep that door open, keep her talking let her know a emergency back up plan if she's forced back home so she knows how to get to somewhere safe, and how to get to you potentially if SD removes all devices, and SD is recaptured as it were.

Remind her no matter what's she's told by mum, she will always have a place with you guys and that they will never speak for you.

@candlelightsatdawn you've hit the nail on the head, any judgement we give to mum gets taken out SD when she visits. sigh.... it's odd I've never been massively close emotionally wise to my SC but this has just kicked in all of my maternal instincts as such and I just want to give her everything and my defensiveness of her has came out!

We'll see how next weekend goes back at mums I'm still somewhat hopefully things may settle down maybe naively though!

However... difficult question time.. there are two SS's back at mums one is very much mummy's boy and I 100 know he'll never leave (plus is 18) the other 14 I'm on the fence with.... ive made it clear to DH that if his son decides to move then he must change jobs there is no discussion (as I've let it go for his daughter) and a new bedroom needs creating firstly as a teen and toddler can't share full time and I really wouldn't be ok going from 1 toddler full time to three children and two teenagers!!!

I'm aware he can't decline however if asked (the boys have no issues with SF we have asked and they both seem ignorant and blissful in their own worlds) how can I make this clear without sounding like it's favouritism??

Op you sound so lovely. Well done you.

Not read any replies apart from yours but apart from mentally (which is enough) could SF have hurt her?

She's so much better off out of that home, maybe she's aware of things her brothers aren't and mums fears of losing him are obviously more important to fix than her dd.

In relation to dh and his job if the dss wants to move in, I'd have the conversation now.
Say how you feel for all 3 step children and how your feelings changed for dd when this all happened and it made you realise how important they all are. But if another moved in there would need to be a lot of changes just because of logistics.

It's not favouritism it just so happened dsd came first!

@mommabear2386 I think you will have to say it's a matter of logistics and what's fair for all the children re room sharing and what space you have in your house. The two teens boys would have to go together !

I suspect also the issues your facing with SF will only apply to girls (it's what eventually broke my half sister - I'm the baby from the second family - and she came around to being nice to me almost to get away from the abuse she was getting from mum and that side of the family).

Sounds like it's moot point but might be worth discussing a wooden lodge in garden for extra space and just in case rooms for teenagers. My friend did this really well and the lodge was the nicest space in whole house !

With mum just be short and very much, "I disagree with that approach". Don't enter into a debate on logistics. Just keep repeating "that's wrong ect"

Grey rock the SD. Give no information out about SD that can be used against her.

This is madness !!

She won a better environment with you and your family. If the boys are ok where they are it’s probably ok

If your dsd doesn’t want to go home to see her mum, that’s ok, it’s her choice

Not sure what you can do about the holiday- have you asked the company if you can change the booking to an amended holiday that she can be included in?

Is there a court order? Would this be in school holiday time?

Thanks all I agree I don't really want to give mum any info about how our house works and will just give need to know basis I think.

The holiday is 2 days before half term then the 5 other days in half term as it was so much cheaper but yes I'll contact the company to see if we avoid single supplement I think just as a idea if we can work with it.

The boys have said they are fine at home so you are all right I need s to make it clear to DH that if the youngest does bring this up there are clear things that need to happen it can't be like it has been with SD and overnight change.

Think that other very nature of the issue with dsd stemmed from an emergency situation rather than a desire for a change of scene, so unless things change radically, it’s unlike to be repeated with either of the boys, so yeah, a managed transition should be possible if the situation ever presented itself

She’s so lucky to have you.

The SF does sound like an ocean-going nuclear-powered bread-winning fossil. So it figures that the SD is the stress point for him - a young woman with her own opinions who doesn't feel indebted to him. Her brothers on the other hand? Boys will be boys, got to let them have their freedoms, growing up to be men eh?

Hi all, me again! Thought I'd update as just a place to talk really... so we a full month in and it's actually been fine from our end at home she's fitted in fine with routine and so have we in terms of schools runs etc
My son 3.5 loves having her around more too.
The boys are fine the youngest doesn't have an opinion either way and the eldest does side with mum and thinks SD over reacted but is also pretty much staying quiet after dad had a chat with him.
Mum and SD relationship is absolutely silent and non existent for 2weeks between EOW visits which I find so odd but SD doesn't seem bothered at all. SF has pretty much ignored her when she's there except for odd comments to mum such as 'well does 'SD' still like that meal for dinner her eating tastes may have changed due to living at her dads' and saying to her their 2 toddler children 'probably dont remember her too much so don't hold out much hope of them missing her' utter douchbag as you all have agreed!!
This last comment upset her slightly but all we can do is tell her she's free to go see her two siblings as much as she wants, she did ask to go to mums for tea after school one night but was told it was too short notice food wise which she fully knows is a cop out and it was SF not wanting to be flexible. I mean give her bloody beans on toast as we have some nights!!

So my question is for you all would you suggest DH contact mum to try and arrange time for them to spend together or would you all just leave it and deal with our households and whatever Happens or doesn't happen more to the point is for her to deal with?

Personally I'd just show sd the love and support you already are.

She's old enough to come to you with an issue (as she has) so maybe ask her what she wants? If she says I don't know I'd say that's fine, just approach us if/ when you want to just chat or want help with something.

In some ways it's worse for sd if you keep trying hard to get dm to step up and be the mum sd deserves, but sd just watches mum not bother.

I think sd is old enough to have the biggest say here and I actually think she wanted to get away from sf.

The step dad sounds like a controlling horror. The mother should be prioritising the daughter not the partner, she will hopefully regret it in the future. The poor girl.
Well done OP on you and her dad for stepping up and being supportive.

God, the stepfather sounds awful! No child, well behaved or horrific brat, should be constantly reminded that they should be grateful to a parent for financially providing for them. It's putting terrible expectations upon her, particularly for her future relationships with men. And the little digs now are pathetic. So, so mean and petty.

You've done a good thing by stepping up here and I'm not surprised to find you're actually enjoying it. I think you need to give this time to sort itself out. Step back and let your stepdaughter decide what she wants. That might be two months away from her mother's house or it might be regular visits but it sounds like she's been controlled and bullied enough and a bit of autonomy would be good for her.

You'll have to tread carefully but you have a really good chance here to help fix the damage that has been done.