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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Weekend chaos

92 replies

mommabear2386 · 28/08/2021 23:00

Need some support from step mums… my 3 have came as usual and on Wednesday my SD 15 has said she wants to talk to us about a way to approach her mum about feelings… she’s annoyed and frustrated with some of her step dads behaviour such as taking control of all the parenting and keeps making one rule for his children and another for them. As well as constantly telling them he pays for them and they should be grateful he provides etc etc basically a teenage girl needing to chat things through with her mom about feelings being hurt / angered.

Now I’ll add she is a lovely kid very helpful and polite so this is not teenager angst and her making life difficult.

We suggest a few things and she decides she will talk to her mum and also she wants to spend more time at ours if possible ( currently EOW And half hols) now dad works nights full time I work 30 hours Monday Friday. We suggest we could do 50/50 week here week there if that would help? It would be a juggle as school is not is walking distance and no bus route so would depend on lifts both ways every day again difficult with shifts at time but we would make it work.

SD talks to mum and all hell breaks loose. Mum is very defensive over step dad basically angry at SD for saying these things as he does support the family etc. Ignores all her point and stays 50 / 50 won’t work. It’s here or there as is now. Now here full time will be very difficult with school as well as as I mentioned dads full times nights so that’s a lot of responsibility on me I’ve been clear from day dot I don’t want.

Three days of these and there has been no compromise only anger My partner has rang and just got shot down and told the same Thing and she kept texting SD ‘have you made a decision on where you’re staying yet?’ Super stressful and made SD even more dreading contact.

Because it’s my partners daughter I’d had to agree she lives here now. I do care for her and she’ll be no trouble I don’t think.

I should mention we have bio son 3 together also who I'm now irrationally afraid of spending less time with and feel so gutted about this. Our every move in the week / hols have to involve SD..

Partner can’t moves jobs we would lose too much money and he loves it so although that’s always been my firm line in the sand it can’t be done and I accept that. 😞 from sounds of things this isn’t going to change, has anyone had a step child move in in similar circumstances?

I could really do with friendly advice right now I’m so anxious and stressed, please 'what would you do if mum died comments'

DH willl step up and do school runs unless I offer he's a good dad he just can't help this situation we have fought about it but I know he can't make her be somewhere she doesn't want to be so I have no choice but to stand by on this and see where it goes

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 05/09/2021 22:58

I know it’s suddenly very full time but I hope you can remind her she doesn’t have to go eow if she doesn’t want to put up with the conditions there. Her relationship with her mum may never recover from this. I was a bit worried anyway how it would go given she no longer has any reason to be grateful to nasty stepdad for a roof over her head as he isn’t providing it. Sounds like he isn’t providing anything that’s not an unwanted spare- honestly will they let her have snacks? Input to what takeaway? It might be a much better development of boundaries if she can just say no thanks.

PamDenick · 05/09/2021 23:00

Another thing to do is inform the school of a change of address and family circumstances and they may also want to record it as a case of emotional neglect…

bogoffmda · 06/09/2021 00:07

OP - well done and good luck. She needs you and her father there and you have been. Am sure there will be more drama but she feels safe and listened to.

Original poster

mommabear2386 · 06/09/2021 00:13

Dads going into school tomorrow to discuss it all, she's saying she's fine but I'm sure her heads about all over the shop.

Mums texted to say she loved her and she's now took Friday nights off work so she'll get see in two weeks. It's constantly nice messages but shitty behaviour... for now she wants to go EOW but no more she's got 2 younger siblings there she's missing.

I can't see it lasting though... Step dad has pressured her into agreeing to going for a coffee every other Sunday with just him to 'work on things' we aren't happy with this and neither is she... but mums kind of said it has to happen to move forward but it just feels too much plus there's no one to monitor the conversation it will be he said / she said and obviously we'll believe her but mum will believe step dad.

Would you guys support her doing this or outright no?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 01:38

No coffee with just him, it’s sending a 16 year old off on her own specifically to be bullied by an adult man and told she is worth nothing and a bad person for not recognising he is the Great I Am. I’d say if things improve over the weekends she is there she will consider coffee in a few months. And expect things to go solidly downhill to be honest.

Ozanj · 06/09/2021 02:02

I would be contacting social services. He is emotionally abusing her and she is neglecting her.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 06/09/2021 06:15

I would be encouraging her not to go and have coffee with this man. This is a heartbreaking read and she is so so so lucky to have you in her life.

candlelightsatdawn · 06/09/2021 07:20

@mommabear2386 Can dad to go with her or at least offer him to go with her ? That step dad sounds just hideous and mums allowing it ?!? 😵‍💫

That or I would be saying if your worried about not being believed you can record the conversation. We will believe you.

Set up a safe text word so if she texts that you come collect no questions asked.

Make the meeting public - no ones house. This also means voices will be kept in check and you have the general public to raise alarms if trouble

I'm not gonna lie I would be uneasy.

WIS76 · 06/09/2021 08:02

@mommabear2386

Dads going into school tomorrow to discuss it all, she's saying she's fine but I'm sure her heads about all over the shop.

Would you guys support her doing this or outright no?

Absolutely no way in hell should you and your DH let this awful man have unsupervised access with your SD. He has shown you all he's a controlling, abusive bully who's prepared to throw a 15 year old out for not worshipping him enough.

MeridianB · 06/09/2021 08:03

Unbelievably sad situation at her mother’s home. She is very lucky to have you.

It’s very hard to see how how she benefits from visits there at the moment. If she is determined to go EOW then fine but do keep offering her all the emotional support and resilience you’re already doing and make sure she knows she can come back or call any time.

Giving her room away and telling her she is no longer part of the family for trips and holidays? It’s possible it may be designed to get her to change her mind but if so, this is woefully misjudged. I suspect it’s pure and simple abuse.

Her mother’s husband is an emotionally, verbally and financially abusive bully and your DSD absolutely needs protecting from him (and his enabler, her mother). Families talk together. They don’t isolate one person. He clearly wants to bring her to heel. Please don’t let her go. He has shown he does not have her best interests at heart.

MzHz · 06/09/2021 08:16

I’m not sure SS will be able to do anything as she’s not living with them anymore

He’s abusive and controlling. He clearly hates women and this won’t change

The mother has made her choice.

My response (but clearly I’m not 15 😂) would be that I’d be happy to see mum, have contact with mum, coffee etc, but that I wouldn’t be having coffee with just stepdad.

He’s creepy. She’s in a better place if not under his roof

Thank god she’s got you, thank god for her dad.

You’re a wonderful step mum.

Beamur · 06/09/2021 08:16

Well done you for stepping up.
I wouldn't agree to the coffee thing either. It smacks of intimidation.
Fwiw my DD and my DSD have a similar age gap and it's been really nice. My DSD would babysit for us occasionally and the girls get on really well now they're a bit older. Your DSD may now miss out on the relationship with her Mum's younger children but it may be to the benefit of yours.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 06/09/2021 08:25

Does she want to go for the coffee? If she does then I would make sure she's accompanied.

NoYOUbekind · 06/09/2021 09:08

No to the coffee. A flat no.

Offer that if he wants to talk things through with DSD he's very welcome to visit your house for coffee. That will sort out if he genuinely wants to progress the relationship or if he just wants a fortnightly chance to bully her.

You're about to find out that parenting a teen is very different to parenting a small child. One thing is that this is a young woman who needs guidance in understanding and managing a male/female relationship where the power dynamics are all off. So something like 'I understand you want things to be better in your family so if you want to meet SDad I will support this. How I'll do that is by suggesting he meets you here at home where we can look out for you. This is one of the ways you can keep control of a difficult situation, by having it in a place where you are safe. Equally, if you don't want to meet him you don't have to. That is your choice.'

By the way, I sense the mum knows this is 50 shades of fucked up, hence the texts, but it's not what you say, it's what you DO that's important

SloopB · 06/09/2021 09:36

I'd offer a family therapy session with the stepfather. This interaction needs to be mediated. He sounds fucking awful and like the mother has trapped herself financially.

candlelightsatdawn · 06/09/2021 11:38

@SloopB I would agree if this whole thing didn't smack of out right abuse.

Absolutely no point taking a abusive person to therapy. If they are abusive they are usually smart enough to be able to spin a tale that makes SD seem like unreasonable teenager and them a saint enforcing the abuser victim dynamic and that there something wrong with SD

That and most abusive people don't get better with therapy, they just get better at hiding it.

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck talking to the duck to see if it's really a tiger is moot point. In my opinion.

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 12:47

@NoYOUbekind

No to the coffee. A flat no.

By the way, I sense the mum knows this is 50 shades of fucked up, hence the texts, but it's not what you say, it's what you DO that's important

This is a good idea. And if she decided to go with this she isn’t rejecting his suggestion, she’s just modifying it so she feels safe.

MeridianB · 06/09/2021 12:53

Usually I would agree with the ideas about alternatives to the coffee but in this case, doesn’t DSD just need protecting from this scumbag?

AthenaPopodopolous · 06/09/2021 13:03

I’d get your stepdaughter living with you strait away due to the bad feeling and potential for this to become worse, especially with a potentially volatile stepfather. Get her to pack all her clothes and belongings straight away and make arrangements for her to reside with you. Make sure you change her address details with GP, dentist and school then apply for child benefit.
Mum could probably do with a break anyway and with young kids herself, she may. It be meeting the needs of her teen daughter. If you can cope and your husband welcomes her, then I say change is for the best. Hats off to you for supporting your teen step daughter. Encourage her to get a weekend job after school and encourage her independence.

Sittingonabench · 06/09/2021 13:12

No to coffee on her own. Tell her when she is ready to work on her relationship with him if ever then you can work up to a group coffee. I liked the idea of saying in your house but I also think that is her safe place and letting him in might be a bad idea and may blur boundaries (also I wouldn’t want him in my house). She feels powerless but in this respect she needs to know she has all of the power - see him or not, on her schedule, where she wants and with who she wants present. Remove this mans power over her but support what she needs. I feel so sorry for everyone - she must feel so abandoned.

Namechangedzzz · 06/09/2021 13:14

I like the idea of therapy so someone could mediate between stepdad and SD but I suspect he is so controlling he might not agree.

Alternatively, this may not be very ethical but... I met with an extended family member on my own who had a history of lying and I used a disguised dictaphone to record the whole conversation and I am so glad I did! They don't know know I recorded it but when they were saying lies about what was said I could say to DH here is the recording. (In the end he didn't listen to it and backed me all the way but just in case then I did have it).

This is what I used: www.amazon.co.uk/Solustre-Digital-Recorder-Dictaphone-Memory/dp/B085S2M96J/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?hvlocphy=9045117&hvnetw=g&keywords=voice+recorder+memory+stick&hvadid=336506564313&qid=1630930361&dchild=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw-NaJBhDsARIsAAja6dPwHVaOHHyEVz91GZWzYCMMQlTaOqjIho0LcjBAk8JAPr7oACV6AB4aAsAzEALw_wcB&hydadcr=20904_1807672&hvdev=m&hvqmt=b&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-299094533423&adgrpid=67891847992&hvrand=17934679834582856423&sr=8-1

It is disguised as a memory stick so I had it on the table attached to my keys and it picked up everything

AthenaPopodopolous · 06/09/2021 13:25

Also I’d bin off the expectation of contact with mum and step dad. She is 16 and will have to learn to manage arrangements herself now.
Also I’m going to play devils advocate. Something very natural is happening here. A young adult is separating from her mum and you will be the spring board into adulthood for her. I’m not sure I agree with the idea that there is abuse or emotional neglect. I think the mother and stepfather feel aggrieved though and that loyalties and trust have been broken. Try to empathise with all of them but really this is just a young person growing up and growing away from her mother. Your turn now!

aSofaNearYou · 06/09/2021 15:13

@AthenaPopodopolous

Also I’d bin off the expectation of contact with mum and step dad. She is 16 and will have to learn to manage arrangements herself now. Also I’m going to play devils advocate. Something very natural is happening here. A young adult is separating from her mum and you will be the spring board into adulthood for her. I’m not sure I agree with the idea that there is abuse or emotional neglect. I think the mother and stepfather feel aggrieved though and that loyalties and trust have been broken. Try to empathise with all of them but really this is just a young person growing up and growing away from her mother. Your turn now!

It's dad's turn, not OPs, that's a lot of undue pressure to put on her.

babbi · 06/09/2021 15:29

Absolutely no way should she be pressured into going for coffee.
Stop that immediately and tell her she is not going .(your DH should say this )
Take that decision from her .
Poor thing will be all over the place .

Keep her at yours and care for her as well as you guys can .
You can manage your household but have no influence over what happens at her DMs house .( though of course will have strong opinions)
Keep your house in order and get on with life and leave them to it .

SM of many years here .. it can be tough

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 06/09/2021 15:36

The sf sounds a controlling twat.
I would go along if dad wants to see him and sit at another table.. If she doesn't want to go at all she is allowed to refuse...

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