Weekend chaos

[mommabear2386]

Need some support from step mums… my 3 have came as usual and on Wednesday my SD 15 has said she wants to talk to us about a way to approach her mum about feelings… she’s annoyed and frustrated with some of her step dads behaviour such as taking control of all the parenting and keeps making one rule for his children and another for them. As well as constantly telling them he pays for them and they should be grateful he provides etc etc basically a teenage girl needing to chat things through with her mom about feelings being hurt / angered.

Now I’ll add she is a lovely kid very helpful and polite so this is not teenager angst and her making life difficult.

We suggest a few things and she decides she will talk to her mum and also she wants to spend more time at ours if possible ( currently EOW And half hols) now dad works nights full time I work 30 hours Monday Friday. We suggest we could do 50/50 week here week there if that would help? It would be a juggle as school is not is walking distance and no bus route so would depend on lifts both ways every day again difficult with shifts at time but we would make it work.

SD talks to mum and all hell breaks loose. Mum is very defensive over step dad basically angry at SD for saying these things as he does support the family etc. Ignores all her point and stays 50 / 50 won’t work. It’s here or there as is now. Now here full time will be very difficult with school as well as as I mentioned dads full times nights so that’s a lot of responsibility on me I’ve been clear from day dot I don’t want.

Three days of these and there has been no compromise only anger My partner has rang and just got shot down and told the same Thing and she kept texting SD ‘have you made a decision on where you’re staying yet?’ Super stressful and made SD even more dreading contact.

Because it’s my partners daughter I’d had to agree she lives here now. I do care for her and she’ll be no trouble I don’t think.

I should mention we have bio son 3 together also who I'm now irrationally afraid of spending less time with and feel so gutted about this. Our every move in the week / hols have to involve SD..

Partner can’t moves jobs we would lose too much money and he loves it so although that’s always been my firm line in the sand it can’t be done and I accept that. 😞 from sounds of things this isn’t going to change, has anyone had a step child move in in similar circumstances?

I could really do with friendly advice right now I’m so anxious and stressed, please 'what would you do if mum died comments'

DH willl step up and do school runs unless I offer he's a good dad he just can't help this situation we have fought about it but I know he can't make her be somewhere she doesn't want to be so I have no choice but to stand by on this and see where it goes

@vivainsomnia thanks I gave thought of this, unfortunately mum point blank refuses to see my partner she only agreed to a telephone call after hours of texting and that went south quickly as her main concern was step dads feelings as he supports the family and SD should be grateful not picking fault (she is grateful and we also made it clear to SD when you go back home try and make an effort to talk to him more and give common ground )

She's definitely not a bad kid and if she was to become one and show me different colours then DH will have some thinking to do! I think she genuinely just wants a more friendly home atmosphere not be be stuck in her room 24/7 to avoid conflict

@vivainsomnia No she really doesn't at all, not one bit of reassurance that it's ok or that they will all move on. Just saying well if you hate him be assured he's not leaving so you need to do what you need to make you happy. She's bloody 15!!!

Angers me so much. My DH is gutted as he truly believed as did I that mum would resolve this step up as she's been a great mum over the years but it 💯 seems her line in the sand is her husband. Pick fault with him and you are out.

SD must truly feel like shit but she's putting a brave face on and saying she's ok.

DH really is being good here as he should I know my feelings and wants have to come second but he's not forgetting about me in this which helps.

What a crappy mum she is.

Is there a possibility of a school bus (I think local councils offer these if the school is over a certain distance, not sure if you could apply you've nothing to lose by trying) or a taxi for your DD on some days for the school run.

Rally around all family to help including aunts and uncles on mother’s side too.

What an awful mother.

If SD lives with you full time and you get child allowance for her, can you pay for taxis? Or can dad drop her at a bus stop to reduce ferrying time? Or can the school put you in touch with other pupils to share school run?

Mums reaction is very odd. Is it as bad as SD is making out? I’m sure in her mind it is which is what is important to deal with but what do her brothers say?

Sounds like the step dad treats females differently to males, not uncommon. I'm not surprised the mum has sussed with her husband, she also has 2 kids with him. The sd is 15 she will be doing her own thing. It won't be that long before she is leaving for university or finding her own place to live etc.

@User135792468 yes sadly we've seen all the messages to SD and the way mum had spoke to my partner she's clearly fully siding with step dad.

The boys (14/18) are saying they can see SD points and yes they acknowledge he can have a bad attitude and be controlling / like to do all the parenting etc. But they do seem to get on with him a lot more also ie watch football etc so do not feel like SD does.

A few things we know that happen are, she's trying to find her identity style wise and he's very quick to poke fun of her clothes / hair / nails etc anything new which has knocked her confidence a lot. Lots of rules such as no headphones downstairs/ no snacks after tea but step dads own daughter (11) and there 2 bio children (5/2) do not follow this and it's ok but not for SD because she's older and should know better.

Her mum only works maybe 16 hours so step dad is the pay master in that house but he constantly drills home that he pays for them and they aren't his responsibility they should be grateful and respect him (they do!) he should have constant appreciation and he feels SD doesn't give him this because she doesn't ask about his day or say thanks enough for things like trips and food.

They have to say hello to him at all times but he ignores this, if hello isn't said they are pulled up for being rude. Mum and boys have confirmed these are rules and correct so we know this it just seems a stressful and egg shell household but again the boys do not seem to feel it this way or see the stand point SD has made

Sided not sussed.

Very glad the girl has got you. You are a good human being.

@mommabear2386 That does sound tough. I only asked as teenage girls can sometimes be a bit dramatic and exaggerate. The fact that stepdad constantly bleats on about how he pays for them is just nasty. One rule for one and one for the other just isn’t fair. It does sound like a busy household there though, 3 dc from mum, 1 dc from step dad and then 2 together. It seems like mum has taken it that she needs to choose when all she needs to do is listen to her dd. I think the dd is better off in your household where she is welcome and treated like an equal.

You sound a lot less frazzled @mommabear2386 - you are totally doing the right thing. I'm maybe over-invested in this because this is exactly the sort of thing my step-dad used to come out with, the fact he paid for the house meant he could be a total nasty prick to me yet we all had to fall at his feet in gratitudes... I left home when I was 17, basically the moment I could, because of him.

Just another practical thought, if your DH doesn't work on a Friday, could SD's weekend at her mum's be Sat to Mon? That way she'd be able to go to school as normal from her mum's house which would give you one less journey to worry about , and then DH is free Fridays for pick ups.

Also make sure the school has updated contact details.

Good luck and well done for stepping up.

Her mum only works maybe 16 hours so step dad is the pay master in that house but he constantly drills home that he pays for them and they aren't his responsibility they should be grateful and respect him (they do!) he should have constant appreciation and he feels SD doesn't give him this because she doesn't ask about his day or say thanks enough for things like trips and food.
So her mum has just thrown her under the bus to keep the peace. If sd has children of her own one day she will remember this all over again I bet. No good mother gets into a new relationship on the basis that her children should be grateful to be fed and housed.

@NoYOUbekind that's exactly what we didn't want happening, her leaving the first chance she gets starting life's off all mixed up. Sorry that happened to you.

I don't profess for one minute to be a perfect step parent and I'll admit I had a moment of crap do I want this when I first found out but there's a bigger picture here and I'm happy we have kind of managed to help with that albeit we'll see what mum replies with today

It’s a great shame that the parents can’t have a proper conversation and stop things from escalating. Even the nicest teens sometimes play parents off against each other, sometimes be unreasonable about always wanting things their own way etc. Without the parents getting together to discuss I’m not sure what else you can do than offer to have her live with you. Be aware sometimes the grass isn’t as green as they think and they end up going back to the original home so maybe don’t make any permanent changes yet

How lovely your SD can talk to you. It will be fine, everything will settle down and a normal rhythm will happen within the household.

My SD moved in with us when she was 14, she is now 25. It all worked out and we are very close.

OP - you are doing brilliantly and you and DP are doing the right thing.

My eldest DC told EX his SM was being mean - he was 8 yrs old. EX for once was a proper parent. He mentioned it to SM - who banned the DCS from their house. Problem was 8 yr old had recorded some of what she said on tablet - so was not making it up.
That Dad believed and acted did so much to restore pretty broken faith in Dad.
They split up and even to this day, DC can not get out of car when they go to pick up brother.
Brother has been told that his brother tells lies and I made them up.

All v sad and pathetic.

You are doing the right thing

Yes perhaps us saying just go have a chat with your mum about these feeling was now thinking about it but the best move.. but surely she should be able to do this. There was no major issue or hatred there for step dad just wanted to have a Bit if a vent to mum.

I think your advice was fine and a rational mother would have listened to hear DD and been understanding.
Like I said, when you're financially dependant on a man, you can be vulnerable and unable to speak your mind.

I tell my DDs to never be in this position and take crap. It's ridiculous.

I don't see why her mum is resistant to 50/50. Very inflexible, but I think SD will be happier in your place. You sound like the voice of reason and like a good SM.

As she's in the last year of secondary is there really no way she can get herself to school? Taxi? Train? Walk?

I didn't really know anyone who still got dropped off and picked up daily at school at that age. We all lived in varying places and managed to get there somehow. Id have a proper look into this before writing it off as impossible.

Taxi really only other option we are too close for trains etc and no direct bus route she'd have to get a bus into the city centre then back out again where we live. It's fine we have both spoke to our works (on bank holiday haha) and managed to sort a few days a week between us so maybe one day there will be a taxi or long walk home if it's not dark etc but on the whole we'll be ok to do this now thankfully we have good employers who have also rallied round to help for a bit.

UPDATE mum has called and been a bit better and wants to see her face to face but it's decided she's staying here until after Christmas and going there EOW and half hols and we will all reevaluate then!

Oh OP what a difficult situation-it’s really good that DSD can confide in yourself and DH as as a step parent myself I know how tricky it all can be.

I’d honestly not fret about the logistics of it, I’d imagine DSD mum said all or nothing type of thing to scare DSD in to saying actually I will keep it how it is. DSD hasn’t made the choice her mum thought she would, and in time that will hurt her mum
And I reckon she will double back and agree to 50:50. However your DSD needs stability, she’s going into GCSE year and she needs a constant. The school runs might be tricky but honestly this is the time she will remember and appreciate everything.
You sound like a fab step mum 😍

Don't forget to put in for the child benefit and the child maintenance. I think her mother will have a pretty different attitude then.

If my mum treated me this way, it would not be something that I’d forget easily. Please let her come live with you.

Update if anyone care to hear it! SD is fully living with us now, she officially moved in today with all her stuff after spending a dreadful weekend at mums which was meant to build bridges.

She's been told she's not welcome on any family trips / holiday or days out with them anymore as she no longer lives there.

She's been told that her my and step dad feel she has 'used' the as they have just paid for her to do a school activity and now this!

Also when she goes back EOW she's sleeping in a junior bunk bed sharing a room with her 2 year old brother.... may I add she a already 5'7.

It's all just baffling but she's here sorting out her room and happily playing some music before bed.

Let's see what next week brings!

What an awful family. She'll be fine with you OP. Just don't expect her to go back for EOW. They are going to insist on punishing her for speaking up. Sadly this is likely the end of any meaningful relationship with her mother.