Weekend chaos

[mommabear2386]

Need some support from step mums… my 3 have came as usual and on Wednesday my SD 15 has said she wants to talk to us about a way to approach her mum about feelings… she’s annoyed and frustrated with some of her step dads behaviour such as taking control of all the parenting and keeps making one rule for his children and another for them. As well as constantly telling them he pays for them and they should be grateful he provides etc etc basically a teenage girl needing to chat things through with her mom about feelings being hurt / angered.

Now I’ll add she is a lovely kid very helpful and polite so this is not teenager angst and her making life difficult.

We suggest a few things and she decides she will talk to her mum and also she wants to spend more time at ours if possible ( currently EOW And half hols) now dad works nights full time I work 30 hours Monday Friday. We suggest we could do 50/50 week here week there if that would help? It would be a juggle as school is not is walking distance and no bus route so would depend on lifts both ways every day again difficult with shifts at time but we would make it work.

SD talks to mum and all hell breaks loose. Mum is very defensive over step dad basically angry at SD for saying these things as he does support the family etc. Ignores all her point and stays 50 / 50 won’t work. It’s here or there as is now. Now here full time will be very difficult with school as well as as I mentioned dads full times nights so that’s a lot of responsibility on me I’ve been clear from day dot I don’t want.

Three days of these and there has been no compromise only anger My partner has rang and just got shot down and told the same Thing and she kept texting SD ‘have you made a decision on where you’re staying yet?’ Super stressful and made SD even more dreading contact.

Because it’s my partners daughter I’d had to agree she lives here now. I do care for her and she’ll be no trouble I don’t think.

I should mention we have bio son 3 together also who I'm now irrationally afraid of spending less time with and feel so gutted about this. Our every move in the week / hols have to involve SD..

Partner can’t moves jobs we would lose too much money and he loves it so although that’s always been my firm line in the sand it can’t be done and I accept that. 😞 from sounds of things this isn’t going to change, has anyone had a step child move in in similar circumstances?

I could really do with friendly advice right now I’m so anxious and stressed, please 'what would you do if mum died comments'

DH willl step up and do school runs unless I offer he's a good dad he just can't help this situation we have fought about it but I know he can't make her be somewhere she doesn't want to be so I have no choice but to stand by on this and see where it goes

Does mum realise if she's with you full time she will owe child maintenance? That might change her tune!

Poor girl, still it sounds like she has a good relationship with you if she can talk to you about these things.

I'm confused by your first sentence, do you have three step children coming and a child of your own?

It sounds chaotic, I don't envy you but it's a credit to you that your DSD can come to you and talk.

Personally in my own experience of this sort of drama it does not tend to be standalone so i would focus on calm and routine in my own house which is controllable and try to ignore or not get dragged into the whirlwind elsewhere.

I know it seems unmanageable to have DSD fulltime but provide her this oasis now. It sounds like she needs it. Then tell her you will support her on whatever decision she makes down the line. She will probably be with her mum after they've had some breathing space.

There's a few things that are a bit confusing about your post; are you saying you will need to do school runs for her to live with you full time, or your partner?

Ok I'm a little confused so correct me on any of the points that I may have gotten wrong.

SD has issues with her Step father who lives with her and her mother. She approached mum about these issues got sent down in flames, now is coming to live with you (SM) and your bio 3 children and dad ? Is that right ?

Ok child maintenance will have to be paid by mum if full time - think previous poster mentioned this. If that means that money goes on getting her to and from school Brillant do it. I do suspect mum will kick off at that but push for it (as I assume she did when SD lived with her)

15 year old teenagers don't spend vast amount of time with parents - I have to arrange for our teenager to be lured out of her room with treats going down the stairs.
She's probably going to be going out with pals a fair amount too ! They require supervision but depend to be flexing that independent muscle so don't worry I very much doubt she will want to join every outing for the little ones - I'm assuming they are younger (give her the option but probably 9/10 she will chose to "chill") and that's fine. Not chill with a boy alone obviously (sorry getting side tracked with my most recent conversation with SC)

Sounds like poor thing is trapped. She may bounce between houses, which has less rules ect so watch out for that. You did the right thing being a sounding board for her, remind her that someone else's feelings aren't hers to manage and she was brave for saying something.

Mum may come around, SD may do a u turn, careful how you tread.

Your DH is going to have to do the school runs by the sound of it. It's only going to be a year for GCSE's, she can attend somewhere more local to continue education after that if the situation stays the same.

Hopefully her mum will actually listen to her, but honestly she sounds awful.

I understand your reluctance to take on more parenting of a teenager but I just wanted to say as someone who's good friend in secondary school went through this situation with a nightmare stepfather and useless father which ended up derailing her life for years.
You are doing the right thing and must be a lovely person for a teenage girl to trust and rely on you like this.
Definitely look for maintenance even just to eht cabs for a few of the school runs if possible and be careful not to criticise her DM to her, even if she is ranting away.
Don't tell her she's wrong to be hurt her DM is putting a man before her, but don't enthusiastically join in as it's still her Mum.

Thanks all- yes so my partner has 3 children with his ex SS 18 SD 15 and SS 14, we have spoke to both boys and they acknowledge that their step dad can be difficult at times but on a whole have a much better relationship with him so they do not feel the way SD does.

She is in her last year of school so I know we only have to manage that, then college etc she can get herself to, my DH has said he'll do all the school runs by leaving work half hour early each morning and he'll wake up early to go get here each day, ive said no and that I'll help a few times each week I can finish at 2pm and not start till after 9am a few times as I don't want him burning out on 5 hours sleep only each day.

I'm guessing that yes when school starts she'll spend some time in her room so the evenings I'll still get my space and time with my son.

We have a bio son 3 and he'll be starting school when she leaves so it's just pushing us into this routine earlier although he will be local and she's a 20 / 30 min drive away on a good day.

I'm happy she spoke to us I just cannot believe mums reaction, we have gave it 3 Days also to allow for cooling off and anger to subside but she will not meet anywhere in the middle at all.

I have been very clear to my partner that after these outbursts I don't want any part of contact with her moving on. What happens inj that house EOW or some holidays when SD is there she has to address with mum down the line. We can't fix those issues unfortunately or her step dads behaviour.

I'll add they have been married 4 years together 8 and they have moved on to have two more children together

@mommabear2386

I have been very clear to my partner that after these outbursts I don't want any part of contact with her moving on. What happens inj that house EOW or some holidays when SD is there she has to address with mum down the line. We can't fix those issues unfortunately or her step dads behaviour.

I'll add they have been married 4 years together 8 and they have moved on to have two more children together

So is SD still planning on spending some time at mum's? I think if that is the case I would try to make some of that time school day's, so that you're not left with all the school runs. I presume mum is closer to her school?

I just wanted to say that you sound like a nice and caring SM. The fact that SD approached you about this, shows that you obviously have a great relationship with her and she trusts you.

Her mum is risking her relationship with her daughter, because she is financially at the mercy of stepdad.

It's telling that the stepdad's behaviour seems worse to the only girl of three siblings, I wonder if his behaviour is actually worse towards her.

Your husband is going to have to help her deal with issues in the mums house, she clearly can't talk to her mum and expect any backup from that side. I completely understand why you don't want to be involved in that though.

Mum made it clear it's full time at one house and EOW and some hols at the other. No middle ground for splitting contact more often in the week which I wanted :/

@mommabear2386

Mum made it clear it's full time at one house and EOW and some hols at the other. No middle ground for splitting contact more often in the week which I wanted :/

What if you said that isn't possible?

@mommabear2386

Mum made it clear it's full time at one house and EOW and some hols at the other. No middle ground for splitting contact more often in the week which I wanted :/

Maybe she wants stability for her daughter. Thats why the EOW and holidays gets put in place a lot of the time. Maybe DH needs to get together with mum and work out what her concerns are.

It sounds like she might not be the easiest person to talk to though.

@mommabear2386

Mum made it clear it's full time at one house and EOW and some hols at the other. No middle ground for splitting contact more often in the week which I wanted :/

Will she be paying maintenance?

I have no advise as I think the plan youve outlined above is your best option. I just wanted to say what a lovely step mum and person you must be for a 15yo girl to be able to come to you with you.
Hold on to that.
Allowing her to live with you and welcoming her into your daily life will nourish this relationship and hopefully she will continue to be open with you.

How many night shifts does your DH do in a row? It’s usually 3 or 4 then a break if they’re 12 hour shifts. Could you do the morning runs when he’s been on nights, allowing him to come home and sleep. He can then do the afternoon run. He can do the morning runs on his nights off allowing you to get to work earlier.
Will your son be going to breakfast club? If not could that help if the schools both start at the same time? Or could step daughter be dropped at a friends house en route to work so they can catch the bus together?

Your DH may have to move to day time work. I think that option should be seriously considered rather than you doing all the running around

15 is such a difficult age and a 15 yo should be able to address emotions around a step parent with her own parent without WW3 starting. I think the fact that this has blown up so much and so quickly shows just how bad things have got in the house to be honest, a mum essentially throwing her kid out because she doesn't like her step dad is a pretty big reaction.

It's great that you are going to be her safe haven, and please hold onto that through the adjustment period, you're doing the right thing by her. I honestly wouldn't worry about your relationship with your DS, you'll barely see her. And he's old enough to develop an incredibly close bond with his sister when she lives with you - there are 12 years between my half-brother and I and he's my absolute favourite person.

The getting to and from school is a pain but you'll just need to take it a week at a time. If you can help DH with that, then all to the good. Between holidays, weekends, study leave - it's only a little bit of time really. I'd also be asking DD about any ideas she has - could she get a bus half-way, can she cycle? This isn't 100% your problem to solve and she's growing up now - so you can say 'DSD we're really happy you're coming to live here, but one thing we're a bit stressed about is how you get back and forward to school given my work and dad's shifts, any bright ideas on that?'

Where does your DH work in relation to your house? Can she get herself to his work so he only has to take her to school which means he won't have to leave early, then he can come back and sleep as normal and you can do 2 or 3 afternoon pick ups? Can she study in the school library or go to a friend's 2 or 3 afternoons a week so DH can sleep longer and get her at, say, 5 before he has dinner and heads to work?

Your DH and maybe you were much too quick to feel sorry for her and agree to support everything she needed.

The issue is hers if the SS think the SD is ok. She might be an angel with you, when she is under little pressure, but might not be so much at home with mum and SD.

It's a pity your OH didn't arrange to first speak with mum to better understand the issue. He's agreed to her to move in and now fully relies on you. It was a big mistake. No only does it impacts on your life, but what if you start discovering another side to SD that you had not seen before and you experience the same frustrations her SD is? You have to deal with it or tell her she has to go back to her mum FT with her mum and SD potentially refusing, whilst feeling rejected by both sides.

I hope it's not the case and she does end up being lovely, helpful and mixing perfectly, so that ultimately, it turns out to really have been the best decision for all.

As there will be one child in each home he is not going to pay any maintenance next month, if she wishes she can contact cms and put in place she pays x amount for daughter and he still pays for son as her wages are much lower but we are leaving that with her.

Unfortunately because step dad has been left 'heartbroken' by SD talking to her mum about some of his behaviours she's now being somewhat frozen out... I still can't believe they are treating her this way.

We have had to take control and say ok you live here now and go to mums EOW and half hols ( already send my mum dates for Oct half term, Christmas and feb half term) made it clears she's fully welcome to spend any extra time with SD and to SD she's welcome to go back at any time to see siblings etc.

Yes perhaps us saying just go have a chat with your mum about these feeling was now thinking about it but the best move.. but surely she should be able to do this. There was no major issue or hatred there for step dad just wanted to have a Bit if a vent to mum.

SD is ok.. very apprehensive about seeing mum on Friday but we've said the longer this is delayed it's becoming more something it shouldn't be and it needs to go back to normal just with switched routines.

We sent all this to her mum last night and got 'I'll get back to you' so let's see what today brings...

I'm just dumbfounded a mum can be so concerned over her husbands feeling yet so uninterested in her daughters who again is honestly a nice polite helpful girl.

I'm still feeling very anxious about us spending every mon- Thursday evenings together but I'm now more determined to make it work because my partner is floored by this and trying to take it all on so I guess this is where the test of team work and our relationship is!

Unfortunately school is in the middle on our house and his work, he works mon-Thurs nights each week so it's 4 nights SD and I have together now from 7.30pm till 8am.

I've just said I don't want us to feel like we have to entertain each other. We can watch stuff together but feel free to go to your room and watch Netflix / PlayStation sometimes I am in bed super early so as long as we can find a good balance I'm happy and she agreed.

God this is scary! Thank you for the lovely comments, as anxious as I am about all this changing over 24hours, I do feel she has to address it and I'm happy she's comfortable here enough with us both to be honest and open. She keeps saying sorry.. because she knows this has turned us inside out but knows it's not her fault and we are here at the end of the day

I'm thinking of speaking to her auntie and grandma about some support midweek in the early days even just coming to see us etc

@NoYOUbekind I do think that could be an idea a couple of days a week stay and get homework done at school for an hour then we pick up for 4 that could help her focus and also help us, thanks! X

Wow her mum really does not have her back poor girl, I wonder if she will regret how she’s treated her daughter. I’m glad she can stay with you, appreciate it’s a bit more work although good your dh is willing to step up (as he should, I was afraid as I read that it would be I like my job so can’t parent my daughter tough luck). Is it costing much more generally to have her stay more? If not some of the money you’re not paying her mum could go to the odd cab to school or back for busy weeks.