Mumsnet anti-stepparent

[GlitterCupcakes]

Does anyone else find this site is very anti-stepparent? The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent. I find it crazy. How many admins on the mumsnet team are actually stepparents or are they all DM’s who loath the existence of stepparents in their children’s lives?

There was a pbp whipping people into a frenzy the other day by claiming MN was anti-step mums. As on many boards, there are people who post in bad faith, people who are unreasonable, and people who give useful advice.

@Glenthebattleostrich

As someone with no skin in the game so to speak (parent but not a step parent, nor have I had a step parent) I find the step parenting board and threads tend to turn into an attack on the step parent. Yes this is sometimes justified but often not. Saying you are struggling and need advice is difficult enough without people piling on

The first question asked is usually where you the OW. The implication being that the only way to become a step parent is to have an affair, lure away an unsuspecting poor dedicated husband and father with the sole intention of ruining children's lives so you deserve everything you get

The feeling amoungst many on the threads is that a step mum must be available to provide care 24/7 while not disciplining the children (because they have 2 parents to do that, just not to look after them). They must always be a cross between Mary Poppins and Maria from The Sound of Music, hand over whatever the other parent asks for, do nothing that doesn't include the step children (god forbid their own kids get a day out with just mum!). and basically pander to The Mother at all times.

There are some who frankly shouldn't be around children, absolutely there are. But there's a very dedicated group who seem to stalk step parent threads and use them to bully and attack. There is a general feeling that the step parents place is in the wrong no matter what.

See I find the question about were you the OW interesting, and often find based on the replies that I've taken it differently to how others have.

I'm sure in some ways (possible many ways!) it's said in a "I bet you were" way, but I always read it in a "were you? as that could help to explain your sdc's mother's opinion of it all" so not necessarily being asked in a nasty way.

It doesn't mean I think the ex is justified in making life miserable for anyone, but I imagine it must make it harder to deal with certain situations if you are having to watch your ex and the lady he walked away with being together / spending time with your children. I imagine harder than seeing your Ex eventually meet someone.

An example was the post last night from a step mum wanting to kindly take her SDC abroad and the mother saying no. Someone asked if they were the OW. Immediately everyone jumped on that poster, when actually it is just a question, that may help to explain the SC's mother's issue with the holiday.

If I was in that position would I find it harder accepting my children being close/going away with someone who was part of my separation, to someone who wasn't? Yes I probably would. I wouldn't let it stop the children going though, but some women/men would struggle with dealing with that.

I think I should be allowed to tell one poster to ignore the other when I disagree with it, as someone should be able to do to any comment I make, but thats not even the point.

Well, no, it’s not for you to tell the op to ignore posts you don’t agree with. That’s not how it works. Everyone can give their own opinion, and yours isn’t any more valid than anyone else’s. You can give yours just like everyone else, and the op can decide which to listen to. Otherwise there would be no point in anyone posting because we could all just tell the op to ignore the ones we don’t agree with.

MN is anti horrible step-parents. As anyone should be.

All subjective really.
I don’t think a stepmum is bad for not taking her stepchildren to school while she’s on maternity leave, but I know other people think that constitutes being a bad stepparent.

I don’t think MN is anti stepmum. What I think happens is fundamentally (as someone else has posted) is someone is posting about children. To a lot of posters, this provokes an intense emotional reaction.
‘They’re children, you’re the adult’
‘What’s the matter with you?’
‘Why did you get with someone who had children if this is your attitude.’
‘Etc’

I’ve come to the conclusion yet there are two sets of parents. Pragmatic parents whose worlds do not operate around their children and therefore are not aghast at someone saying ‘I don’t like someone else’s child.
And those who believe the greatest human being to have graced this planet are the fruit of their loins. They cannot comprehend that someone may feel this way about their children. (Projection).

The reality is there are now frequent posters here who will Wade in with empathy. To the ones who come here to post in utter horror about the ‘poor children’. Meh. Just ignore them. 9 times out of 10 they won’t give a remote straight answer as to what their personal experience is in this arena. So bluntly, from there on in I just ignore their bat shit crazy rants.

What mnet does need to do is stop threads from here surfacing on their popular chats. They need to recognise that step parenting has a very unique set of challenges that most ‘parents’ simply won’t understand.

If I had my time again, i wouldn’t have gotten involved with my partner. Due to his batshit crazy ex, the susbsequent issues with his children and his own emotional issues as a result of the conflict with the mother of his children.

And not one person who entered these scenarios had any idea what they were taking on. The reality is I think it’s perfectly natural to struggle with someone else’s children. I also think it’s bonkers for any parent to consistently pressurise their partners into ‘loving’ their child. Or wanting to do things. It’s utter nonsense. In the main it’s men who seem hellbent on wanting to recreate a ‘family’ without recognising that it’s simply not the right thing for everyone else.

Then you get random posters like the father who came on here. Posted utter nonsense about his partner and unbeknownst to her she’s piled in on by a load of posters (despite his OP lacking so much info).

I mean to come on here whining because there’s tent enough photos of his own children. Fucking manchild. Far too many of them, then the poor women are on here pulling their hair out in desperation.

You want photos of your kids. Print them out.
You have an issue with a collage, bring it up.
You need help with childcare. Ask.

I mean, Some threads on here are nonsense. And be prepared for someone to say ‘no. I don’t want to look after your kids.’ Because. They’re not the parent.

@sassbott

And not one person who entered these scenarios had any idea what they were taking on. The reality is I think it’s perfectly natural to struggle with someone else’s children. I also think it’s bonkers for any parent to consistently pressurise their partners into ‘loving’ their child. Or wanting to do things. It’s utter nonsense. In the main it’s men who seem hellbent on wanting to recreate a ‘family’ without recognising that it’s simply not the right thing for everyone else.

Then you get random posters like the father who came on here. Posted utter nonsense about his partner and unbeknownst to her she’s piled in on by a load of posters (despite his OP lacking so much info).

I mean to come on here whining because there’s tent enough photos of his own children. Fucking manchild. Far too many of them, then the poor women are on here pulling their hair out in desperation.

You want photos of your kids. Print them out.
You have an issue with a collage, bring it up.
You need help with childcare. Ask.

I mean, Some threads on here are nonsense. And be prepared for someone to say ‘no. I don’t want to look after your kids.’ Because. They’re not the parent.

This all of this and also I have to confess I had no idea the landmine I was stepping into.

Yup @candlelightsatdawn and my only saving Grace that makes me super clear on my humanity is that I am a mother. Who is raining grounded, happy, respectful children. So I know what Poor parenting looks like and I also know how bonkers it is to expect anyone (bar my exh and I) to treat our children the way we do. He and I chose to have them, they are our responsibility and ours alone. I love my holidays with them, my hone with them. I have no need for a man to move in to recreate a ‘family’. My family ate my children and I. Then I have a relationship that is separate to my ‘needing’ or ‘wanting’ my partner to take any specific role in context of my children.

If I didn’t have my own personal grounding and experience, I would find the BS posted on here exceptionally disorientating. As it is I find some posts just bonkers in their expectations. (Read the one re the teen and the partner being told she’s not cut out for stepparenting). Absolute nonsense

I've never understood why people think it's ok to tell step mums that they knew what they were getting into and are therefore undeserving of suport or empathy.
Imagine if you found out your husband was having an affair and the response was you knew what you were getting into, men have always cheated? Or perhaps telling a mother struggling with a newborn that they knew what they were getting into. Noone would but somehow it's ok to say it to step parents.

@KylieKoKo agree with all this bar the baby thing because my god did people say when the baby hadn't sleeper for weeks and I was literally on my knees. You knew a baby was gonna be hard work.

My response was yes Susan I did think it would be hard work I just didn't know that hard work would be in the equivalent of being water boarded. Can you guess I had a not great sleeper in the beginning 😂😅😵‍💫

@candlelightsatdawn before l started posting on here I'd have been shocked that someone would be so cruel to someone who is obviously struggling .....

@KylieKoKo honestly this board can really screw with your head ! I can't believe people are so awful online, just grateful I haven't met a RL MN that spouts this stuff yet (god I hope I never do🥴)

@TooBigForMyBoots

It's anti-everything. Step parent, Vegan, Driver, Child, Parent, Sibling, McDonald's, In-law, whatever.

If you can ignore the Aunties antis, there are posters offering wisdom, intelligence and empathy.

This

Anti toilet brushes, mils, sils, bils, cats, dogs and the kitchen sink

Mumsnet is biased against stepparents. These mums hold stepmums to the highest unattainable standard in their comments when they don’t hold themselves to the same standard.

Mumsnet does nothing to stop stepparents from being bashed and this place is a very toxic environment, not a safe space. If you took all the replies ganging up on a stepparent to heart, I genuinely think it would lead the stepparent down a very dangerous route and I hope people reading this forum take replies with a pinch of salt. But I imagine some don’t and it weighs down on them. Some people will think that these posters, who might I add are on the VERY extreme side of things, are completely right and be left with very low self esteem.

Mumsnet needs to foster a safe environment for stepparents and step up when a post has received many of the same reply to ask people to cool it and say the OP has received enough of the same opinion, if you’ve nothing different to add, don’t be another negative voice - is their website supposed to make stepparents feel put down and like shit or is it a safe place for stepparents to seek advice? It can’t be both and like I said, if a stepparent is on here, they truly care and want help and bashing them doesn’t achieve anything.

Firstly mumsnet is a business, bit of argy bargy is exactly what they want on the forums, because that's what brings the business. They do come on and comment if people report.

Secondly, why does mumsnet need to Foster a safe environment? Why do they need to come and tell people off, it's mumsnet -most people here are adults, and if you don't like the way someone is being treated stand up for them, and report

I agree there can be a mob mentality, but there is a report button! Use it

I read on here as a single mum with the OW as the new " evil SM" and learned so much. Alot of what people say is absolute bollocks but some of it was useful.

Roll on a few years, evil SM is gone, new SM in place and fab. I am now a part time SM - 2 great relationship, 1 am fecked if I know what ticks their boxes.

There is no doubt extremes of opinions and people do not like it if they are told they ABU. Blatant exclusion and poor treatment of DCs o any persuasion usually unites the forum

Overall , have learned a lot, disagreed a lot and come away wiser at which battles to fight.

@GlitterCupcakes you were unnecessarily nasty and breached talk guidelines. That’s why you were deleted.

I have been a step parent for a number of years in a previous relationship and I couldn’t disagree with you more.

It's clear the bashers are natural parents who hate wife #2 who is step parenting their child

MN doesn't have a hive mind, it's certain first wife posters who believe themselves to have delivered of the Golden Womb who absolutely detest that another woman could ever spend any kind of time with their DC. These are the ones who will run to overwhelm any thread in step-parenting to tell a struggling OP she knew what she was getting into when she got together with a man who already has DC.

What they don't realise is that actually nobody knows what it's like until you are in that relationship, and once you do get there, every relationship involving exes and DC is completely different. One thing I would say is that having to consider another woman (the EXDW) in everything you do takes some getting used to. It's like there being a third person in the relationship.

In my experience, with the NRP as Dad, the success (or not, as the case may be), of blending the family largely depends on the how the NRP manages all the relationships between everyone involved. One common issue is that the NRP doesn't take the time to invest in balancing each of the different strands of his life, and for some reason it's usually the second wife and family who bear the brunt (although the aforementioned first wife posters will always say first family suffers most).

@GlitterCupcakes This is the poster you were (and still are) being nasty to:

oldestmumaintheworld
Oh dear. You are going to have to get used to this. He is going to be around an awful lot more over the next five or six years. It's the transition from childhood to young adulthood. At 13 I'd expect him to be up til 9.30 and by 16 he's going to be going to bed later than you.
I don't think you are being mean, but you are going to have to accept it.

Your claiming on this thread:

I told an OP to ignore someone who was being conceited and telling the OP that she had to forfeit all her desired alone time to the stepchild which is ridiculous and wouldn’t be expected in nuclear families!

How is she conceited? Where does she say that the Op has to forfeit all her desired alone time to the step child? How do you know that the poster isn’t a stepparent herself?

And the Op asked if she was being mean and this poster said no I don’t think you are being mean. So, she is actually being quite supportive and empathetic. But also being pragmatic.

And you bashed this person for what she posted by calling her names and insulting her.

Maybe instead of pointing out other people for bashing stepparents you could point the finger right back at yourself for bashing a poster who may or may not be a stepparent themselves.

@Starseeking In my experience success in stepparenting is to establish clear boundaries for yourself and respect the boundaries of others.

I respected both parents were the parents and stayed out of their parenting decisions.

Oh god yeah. When I first met my stepchildren, I posted on MN asking for advice for activities to help us bond. Innocuous enough you would think!

The thread quickly became insane with one woman called LuckyStar (or something like that) basically calling me a poor excuse for a human being because I don't see my SC every day. I explained they live in another country and she started bitching at me that I should move closer to them and yknow, drop my career and everything. Apparently, I would if I cared.

It was so, so, so, so crazy that I never posted anything to do with them ever again.

The first question asked is usually where you the OW.

This was the vibe on my thread. I explained I met him three years after him and his ex split up but people still had an attitude of 'well you've made your bed, you lie in it'.

It was madness. Clearly just people using my thread to vent things that they have been going through.

I asked MN to delete it because the whole thing was pointless and they agreed with me.

@SecondCityShark Almost everyone who posts on Mumsnet has been treated like that. There will always be people trolling the internet to post insulting and provocative comments. It’s really not just stepparents who experience the hate, it’s everyone.

@Oceanbliss

I do agree to a certain extent and its always a bit of a lottery on MN. I've had some brilliant support on other threads.

But that one stands out as the weirdest. There was a real disconnect between what I was writing and some of the unhinged responses that were clearly more about people's unresolved issues than anything to do with me.

Many step parents come on here to complain about their step children or their psycho bitch mother. Of course that provokes a reaction.

I’m not a step mum but my DCs have the most wonderful SM who is such a role model and support for them (and me at times!). My DCs were not perfect and would have been a challenge but the relationship they have tells me she managed it well. I’m grateful to her.

When a step parent posts about a 4 year old deliberately making the SM’s life difficult it’s hard not to eye roll. That’s not anti-step parent. It’s FFS you’re blaming a child for circumstances they didn’t create.