Mumsnet anti-stepparent

[GlitterCupcakes]

Does anyone else find this site is very anti-stepparent? The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent. I find it crazy. How many admins on the mumsnet team are actually stepparents or are they all DM’s who loath the existence of stepparents in their children’s lives?

There's too many**

Usually do it when SP's are going on about what little impact separation has on "first children"

Surely the negative impact of separation on children is on the parents for separating in the first place rather than on step parents.

If a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion.

"Yes I agree, I hate the "their parents are together so..."

Exactly. If people can't keep their relationships together then that's their issue. It's not up to step parents to fix any damage caused to children by their parents splitting up.

@KylieKoKo

Usually do it when SP's are going on about what little impact separation has on "first children"

Surely the negative impact of separation on children is on the parents for separating in the first place rather than on step parents.

If a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion.

Right ?

I think this is where the where you the OW question comes in because it means by proxy it's not just the dad and mums responsibility but drags in the new partner into the blame game.

Mumsnet needs to foster a safe environment for stepparents

The internet will never be a safe space. You’re wanting something impossible here

This might be contravesial but even in ow situations I think the responsibility for the child's wellbeing lies with the parents.

Dps ex cheated on him and she is still with the OM. He puts his children first, grits his teeth and is polite to him because it's best for the children if all the adults in their lives get on.

@KylieKoKo

Usually do it when SP's are going on about what little impact separation has on "first children"

Surely the negative impact of separation on children is on the parents for separating in the first place rather than on step parents.

If a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion.

And what if that separation is driven by the person who walked away? It doesn't stop it upsetting the parent left behind that their child isn't going to have the life they hoped for them

*And what if that separation is driven by the person who walked away? It doesn't stop it upsetting the parent left behind that their child isn't going to have the life they hoped for them"

What if it is? It's still not up to a step parent to repair the damage. In this situation the parent has a responsibility to not let their own upset damage their child.

It's sad that people refer to RP's expecting the world to revolve around their child, never been the case with me and DS - I just wanted him to be remembered, feel wanted and valued.

I don't read many posts on here from RP's demanding that their child is always top priority, I may miss those though

@KylieKoKo

*And what if that separation is driven by the person who walked away? It doesn't stop it upsetting the parent left behind that their child isn't going to have the life they hoped for them"

What if it is? It's still not up to a step parent to repair the damage. In this situation the parent has a responsibility to not let their own upset damage their child.

I didn't say anywhere about step parents having to fix it?

No but you were replying to my post which is a continuation of a conversation on that theme. I would suggest reading the full thread.

Ah I see, apologies, I misread

Actually no @KylieKoKo , you were responding to me originally. I wasn't blaming SP, I was talking about what SP's say on here (because we rarely have NRP's posting, it's normally their partners). I don't hold them responsible for my DS's happiness, why would I? I do hold his Dad responsible though, and although it's a belief on here that unhappy NRP's should have fought for their relationship (easier said than done in a lot of cases) I won't take responsibility for my DS's Dad walking, and his subsequent behaviour. Nothing I did or could have done would have helped that. It was nothing to do with his future wife.

I also won't apologise for feeling sad that DS's childhood was the way it was, I couldn't force his Dad to change his way even if I tried.

I think it's normal to feel sad for your children in a split @howtodealwithit. I don't think sadness is an issue unless it causes parents to act a way that adversely affects the children.

Also, to be clear I'm not trying to insinuate that you have done this.

I agree op. And I have reported hundreds of posts and very few get deleted because they don't break guidelines. Under other usernames I have started threads similar to this. MN encouraged us to report and said they'd step in but they rarely do.

What I don't understand is what these posters get out of it. It's the same set time and time again asking "were you the ow" saying "it's obvious you hate them" and 9 times out of 10 it's an ex wife who's got a shit ex husband. Nobody denies they exist, Christ, we all know they do, but that hatred often gets put on to the poor op who is tearing their hair out for one reason or another.

Of course, there are shitty step parents, I have had one so I know, but most posters on here are reasonable. The ones that aren't, I'm not afraid to point it out but I try and be constructive in my reply, which is what people should do when they disagree rather than just making snidey unhelpful comments.

I also won't apologise for feeling sad that DS's childhood was the way it was, I couldn't force his Dad to change his way even if I tried.
@howtodealwithit I struggled massively with this when exh & I split. My dc have a good relationship with their dad but all three of them have struggled with him at various times.
This made me realise that while I was stressing that my dc weren't getting the childhood/family life I wanted for them I was missing the fact that my exh is the way he is & because of this my dc would never have gotten the childhood/family life I wanted for them because my exh was never going to be that kind of dad.
When I realised this it helped with the sadness.

@KylieKoKo

This might be contravesial but even in ow situations I think the responsibility for the child's wellbeing lies with the parents.

Dps ex cheated on him and she is still with the OM. He puts his children first, grits his teeth and is polite to him because it's best for the children if all the adults in their lives get on.

I totally agree with this.

Unfortunately many of the stepparent threads start from a position that the stepparent resents money being spent on the older children of their dh despite knowing of their existence when they got together, often it's regarding holidays, but it can be a wide range of begrudging stepkids themes.

So yes I'm sometimes less than sympathetic - my dp has kids as do I and we treat them the same, it's fairer

@gogohm

Unfortunately many of the stepparent threads start from a position that the stepparent resents money being spent on the older children of their dh despite knowing of their existence when they got together, often it's regarding holidays, but it can be a wide range of begrudging stepkids themes.

So yes I'm sometimes less than sympathetic - my dp has kids as do I and we treat them the same, it's fairer

I think that's quite an overly simplistic way of looking at it. Often these women have ended up doing a lot of the drudge work of parenting and spending a lot of their money because the man haven't stepped up. On top of this the children are sometimes unappreciative and rude to the step mother and the father doesn't do much to stop the behaviour. I think most people would begrudge being put in this situation. Knowing that the children existed when they fell in love doesn't mean that they aren't allowed to feel fed up if they feel taken advantage of.

Surely the negative impact of separation on children is on the parents for separating in the first place rather than on step parents.

If a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion.

The impact of separation is twofold. There's coming to terms with the fact that mum and dad aren't together/ getting used to 2 homes.

Then there's mum/dad getting a new partner.

Some kids are just about managing and adjusting to the split, then along comes a whole new dynamic to contend with.

In some cases the parents, barely let the dust settle before a new partner comes into the picture. It's not the stepparents fault perse, but that's how the child might see it and that contributes to the negative impact.

It's the parent's fault for rushing into a relationship and not considering their kids.

@gogohm

Unfortunately many of the stepparent threads start from a position that the stepparent resents money being spent on the older children of their dh despite knowing of their existence when they got together, often it's regarding holidays, but it can be a wide range of begrudging stepkids themes.

So yes I'm sometimes less than sympathetic - my dp has kids as do I and we treat them the same, it's fairer

I don't find this true at all. I don't see it as resentful at all. A small few are of course, but not "many".

I don't agree that treating them the same is always fairer for a myriad of reasons.

Haven't rtft, but it seems that good, happy, well adjusted step parents don't post often on MN. The posts that are often here are ones slagging off the mum, the kids or are full of resentment.

Often the problem is of course the Husband, but the SM fails to realise that and blames everyone else.

I don't think that MN is anti step parent and has to protect step parents. MN is pretty judgmental and intolerant of most people!

@AnnaDyne

Haven't rtft, but it seems that good, happy, well adjusted step parents don't post often on MN. The posts that are often here are ones slagging off the mum, the kids or are full of resentment.

Often the problem is of course the Husband, but the SM fails to realise that and blames everyone else.

I don't think that MN is anti step parent and has to protect step parents. MN is pretty judgmental and intolerant of most people!

Again, I don't see it that way at all.

It's true that families without issues don't post, as with a lot of boards, but I wholeheartedly disagree that means you're not "well adjusted".

I think as well, what's wrong with complaining about the ex? Sometimes the ex is a massive knob. And complaining about the kids, but it's okay to complain about your own kids on the rest of the site.

This is the double standards. As a step parent you must apparently never complain about the ex or kids, it's always your partner's fault and if you can't recognise that then you're not well adjusted.

@AnnaDyne I’m very well adjusted thank you very much. It’s because I’m well adjusted that I can put the boundaries in that I have and detach from someone else’s core dysfunction. Not letting it impact myself, my family and my core happiness.

There are a lot of separated/ divorced dysfunctional couples with children caught between warring parents. This bleeds into family life in both homes. It take a well adjusted individual to actually recognise what is happening and say ‘hold on, Im struggling here. This isn’t right.’

People with no boundaries / low self esteem or their own dysfunction will add to these messed up dynamics by either enhancing the drama or (sadly) allow these dynamics to ride roughshod over their needs.

I would argue that the people who need to have a word with themselves are the overly entitled parents. If you want a case study in maladjusted behaviour, I think the sheer entitlement displayed about how SC should be treated is what should be looked at. And 9 times out of 10 it’s parents spouting that nonsense. (I refer to maintenance threads on here when new partners are expected to pay towards children that aren’t theirs).

Absolute insanity.

@AnnaDyne

Haven't rtft, but it seems that good, happy, well adjusted step parents don't post often on MN. The posts that are often here are ones slagging off the mum, the kids or are full of resentment.

Often the problem is of course the Husband, but the SM fails to realise that and blames everyone else.

I don't think that MN is anti step parent and has to protect step parents. MN is pretty judgmental and intolerant of most people!

Not in my case, ours was a case of the exw weaponising the kids and used as a battering ram to cause as much distress as possible to my husband.

Once she'd drained every penny out of him through an overly expensive court battle she then set about alienating the kids from him and using them to emotionally abuse him wherever possible.

As a result one very bright intelligent daughter no longer speak to him and now chooses to follow her mothers entitled example.

The other very bright intelligent son fortunately hasn't been sucked in and thinks we're great. I struggle to see how any of this was my husband's fault though and was always on here asking for advice on how to support him.