Mumsnet anti-stepparent

[GlitterCupcakes]

Does anyone else find this site is very anti-stepparent? The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent. I find it crazy. How many admins on the mumsnet team are actually stepparents or are they all DM’s who loath the existence of stepparents in their children’s lives?

Or they defend them because the accusations are blatantly untrue?
Well that's the crux of the issue, it's almost always a matter of perception. Most of it because all sides don't have the relevant information to see the situation in its full spectrum. Had to this that there is an element of unconscious biased, again, on all sides, and you geta very different definition of what is true. This is why even when cases are ruled by judges, you will almost inevitably still have at least one party, if not both, who strongly disagree with the decision.

I think the dynamics that end up working best are those where all parties are more focused on how THEY can change their behaviour to make things better than being fully mended on everyone else and how THEY should change because everyone else is in the wrong.

if a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion

I don't think WHICH parent is even the point of this statement. The point is that if the child is traumatised by the split, it's not the step parent's fault or job to compensate.

@aSofaNearYou

if a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion

I don't think WHICH parent is even the point of this statement. The point is that if the child is traumatised by the split, it's not the step parent's fault or job to compensate.

That was exactly the point I was trying to make. Thank you @aSofaNearYou

@vivainsomnia

Or they defend them because the accusations are blatantly untrue? Well that's the crux of the issue, it's almost always a matter of perception. Most of it because all sides don't have the relevant information to see the situation in its full spectrum. Had to this that there is an element of unconscious biased, again, on all sides, and you geta very different definition of what is true. This is why even when cases are ruled by judges, you will almost inevitably still have at least one party, if not both, who strongly disagree with the decision.

I think the dynamics that end up working best are those where all parties are more focused on how THEY can change their behaviour to make things better than being fully mended on everyone else and how THEY should change because everyone else is in the wrong.

Oh i agree, and I have changed A LOT of behaviour over the years, as has DP. There have been many occasions where i wanted to tell the ex to go get fucked, but I haven't. Same for DP. But it still doesn't work, because there is still one party who couldn't give a fuck and therefore the situation is still bad.

EVERYONE needs to be focused on the childrens best interest for it to work, and unfortunately you cannot control other peoples behaviour.

EVERYONE needs to be focused on the childrens best interest for it to work, and unfortunately you cannot control other peoples behaviour

I don't think that's true, although of course it would be the best outcome. A Relate counsellor told me that children just need one of their parents to be rational, reasonable and fair, that they know there is one home where they are always safe and can say whatever they want without fear of judgement or some kind of reprise and they'll be OK. It's been true in my children's case. My ex is barking. I worked hard to be rational and to keep my judgement of the ex to a minimum in front of them. They now have a 'I love him 'cos he's my dad but I swear to god the man is an absolute bell end' relationship with him and they have come to the 'bell end' conclusion without any input from me.

So no, I couldn't control his behaviour (he can barely control it himself), but it didn't need me to. I just needed to be sensible about it all myself and it seems to have paid off.

I don't think that's true, although of course it would be the best outcome. A Relate counsellor told me that children just need one of their parents to be rational, reasonable and fair, that they know there is one home where they are always safe and can say whatever they want without fear of judgement or some kind of reprise and they'll be OK. It's been true in my children's case. My ex is barking. I worked hard to be rational and to keep my judgement of the ex to a minimum in front of them. They now have a 'I love him 'cos he's my dad but I swear to god the man is an absolute bell end' relationship with him and they have come to the 'bell end' conclusion without any input from me.

Sorry, but that's utter bullshit and it's embarrassing that a councilor has given that advice. DSS has always had that safe space with us but he's still massively affected by his mothers horrific behaviour. I am glad your children have come to that conclusion, but many don't. DSS has not come to that conclusion but he has awful memories of incidents that have involved him and his mum. He still doesn't see her for the evil bitch that she is, and he might never. But us being "normal" hasn't stopped that because we cant control what happens when we aren't there. Perhaps its easier when you are RP - NRP's have a harder time because they have less physical presence.

So no, I couldn't control his behaviour (he can barely control it himself), but it didn't need me to. I just needed to be sensible about it all myself and it seems to have paid off.

You make it sound very easy, again I am glad for you that your situation is sorted, but this is far from reality for many posters and you insinuating that if you're just rational and calm that things will sort themselves out, is going to be deeply unhelpful for posters reading this who have been calm and rational for years to absolutely no avail - me included.

All we can do is the best we can. Like most here, I had times when I found myself in tears with how unreasonable I felt my ex was, and every part of my body just wanted to retaliate in some way.

What stopped me every time was imagining my kids as adults and looking back on their parents' actions, at a time when they had the maturity to do so and analyse the situation for what it was. What matter to me more than anything was that their approval of my decisions and evidence that they mattered more than my own feelings.

I wanted to able to look back and have nothing to blame myself for. It was hard to pay for my kids transport ever weekend, so that they could go and see their dad, nother £50 a month to add to the budget when he never paid a penny in maintenance even though he was working most of the time. Of course I wanted to say that if he really wanted to see them, he could pay or come to get them, but I didn't because the desire to punish him was never stronger than the desire to ensure my kids' happiness and wellbeing, and that included being given the chance to build a relationship with their dad.

It's odd really isn't it because the debate and grey area often operates on seeing alternative perspective putting their shoes on. I don't see a terrible amount of that happening, especially when it comes to SMs and not step dads ? 🤔

I have this lovely perspective with technically being a ex wife and well as a step mum. I try to gauge how I would feel with both shoes on. Both tend to be at odds somehow which is why I feel so conflicted, most people fail to recognise most if all comments posted on her are situational, wide sweeping generalisations damaging we know that.

All know is both the mum and step mum in me tends look see mud being thrown between the women, on the dads are often left out of responsibility. Dads are usually the ones where the responsibility and sometimes failings are and it's often assumed by default it's the SM or mums fault and responsibility to fix.

Let's take the OW comment for instance . The other women comment is unnecessary in my view because the other women didn't have a legally binding contract to behave a certain way, even if there is a moral one, but she's often set alight and the ex husband gets off scott free. The bloke in question chose this women and has let her into his family dynamic any failings she has, actually is because he let her act that way. No guns involved. If he's not stopping bad behaviour he's accepting it, that really is on him.

@vivainsomnia

All we can do is the best we can. Like most here, I had times when I found myself in tears with how unreasonable I felt my ex was, and every part of my body just wanted to retaliate in some way.

What stopped me every time was imagining my kids as adults and looking back on their parents' actions, at a time when they had the maturity to do so and analyse the situation for what it was. What matter to me more than anything was that their approval of my decisions and evidence that they mattered more than my own feelings.

I wanted to able to look back and have nothing to blame myself for. It was hard to pay for my kids transport ever weekend, so that they could go and see their dad, nother £50 a month to add to the budget when he never paid a penny in maintenance even though he was working most of the time. Of course I wanted to say that if he really wanted to see them, he could pay or come to get them, but I didn't because the desire to punish him was never stronger than the desire to ensure my kids' happiness and wellbeing, and that included being given the chance to build a relationship with their dad.

Absolutely

All know is both the mum and step mum in me tends look see mud being thrown between the women, on the dads are often left out of responsibility.

It is misogyny plain and simple.

It has been decided by society that women have to look after children even when the children involved are not theirs. (I have plenty of examples in rl that are nothing to do with step-parenting.)

Added onto that you get the "golden uterus" problem on MN where the only children who count are the first lot.

In rl decent older siblings know that their younger siblings, whether they are are half or full, count as well. In fact decently brought up children know that children younger than them need more involved care and often provide it if no adults are around to take charge.

Also many children who have separated parents are happy their parents aren't together because of the misery it brought them when they were.

Dads are usually the ones where the responsibility and sometimes failings are and it's often assumed by default it's the SM or mums fault and responsibility to fix.

This is why plenty of posters on this forum tell younger women who are SMs to not engage with their partner's ex and what firm boundaries to set around their involvement particularly childcare of their partner's children so they are not a skivvy.

Mums are also told not to engage with and make demands of the SM as she has no responsibility for their children. In addition if their ex is the bell-end they think he is then the SM will eventually leave.

@RedMarauder agreed. I see it time and time again and it's so blatant it's goes completely unchecked.

And your right most of the balanced advice I have seen says SM have boundaries and step back if your falling into parenting role, and mum also step back because the person your cross at shouldn't be the women with no parental teeth.

What I really object to is the comments that shame any women for not fitting into come to me Mother Earth child vibe. Like all women by default are some how magically responsible to fix what ultimately isn't their place or responsibility to fix. I get mums anger at the situations when you feel helpless, (which ultimately sometimes the result blended family) but man alive fry the right person (the dad) and don't get the people who are clearly trying to help sm and if the ex is a 🔔 end then you know the struggled so don't bloody kick the women.

See you say that but you recently went around referencing me supposedly having double standards about men across multiple threads recently when it categorically was not the case.

It's not just men on the SP board, it's men across the whole of mumsnet. If his wife cheats, you see pp asking if he helps around the house, or asking what he did to make her cheat.

You get responses of sympathy for women who have cheated, but never for a man who comes her having cheated.

If a man is disappointed he has a girl and not a boy, he's called misogynistic, and things like send him back to the 50s....but if a women is upset when she has a baby, it's called gender disappointment.

I'm not saying nobody supports these men, but where a woman posts the same thing, responses are so different. It has to be a really extreme case from a man to get support from the majority. Even then it's questioned. One poster was accused of making it all up (his wife had extreme OCD and cheated on him) he actually sent me the photos of his house to prove he wasn't lying, so I could tell the other posters he was genuine.

Yes but @SandyY2K I think the reason there's so many posts like this is it often IS the ex & these behaviours.

I hear what you're saying a d happy SMs are unlikely to be here complaining. You see the worse if it.....but what I find annoying is that the SMs attribute all the child's faults to the Ex and not their DP/DH. So often it's a DH problem.

I think in so many of these situations, you have a dad who pretty much left all of or the majority if parenting to the Ex. When they split up, the truth is, he really doesn't know his own kids that well, in terms of their personalities, likes and dislikes....he doesn't know their teachers, their friends....he's so far removed from his children and thinks it's all about the money.

I also think a lot of SMs struggle to see other points of view when problems arise, same as their partners struggle to understand how challenging it can be as a SM.

There should be a mandatory must read list for SPs, before taking the plunge.

Tbf it is a predominantly female site, so views will be skewed towards the female perspective. That is generally a positive thing, but collateral damage can be that men coming on here do get an unnecessarily hard time, sometimes when they clearly haven't done anything wrong! It isn't all the time though. I think that's a huge exaggeration. I was on a thread recently where a man was upset that his exw was getting their shared DCs to call her new bf 'daddy'. He got so much support, plus one stupid, unhelpful comment, which was immediately and firmly shot down by other posters who were supporting the male op. That poster swiftly backpedalled and fucked off!

I don't think this place is perfect btw. I've had disagreements with how things have been handled on here, as I'm sure everyone has.

That is generally a positive thing

Because I think having a space online which is mainly for women is really important. I'm sure men feel the same and I wouldn't waltz into a predominantly male site and start womansplaining to them or expect them to immediately get my perspective.

If I post here I find I often have to check my message over and over before I press send just incase I have used a word that is remotely negative or could be twisted as negative towards the ex. Or read as sarcasm. And then I just give up and delete my comment and don't post. Or I do post and get torn to shreds anyway. I don't think the other sections are like this.

@Getawaywithit I would count that relate counsellors advice as scraping the bottom of the barrel advice. As in, given the circumstances, xyz is the best you can do.

So if one parent is high conflict/ non supportive of the other parents relationship/ engaging in PA, essentially the best you can do is to try and model healthy relationships/ behaviour yourself.
In no way does modelling a healthier family dynamic guarantee in anyway that the children the escape what is happening in the other parents home. Especially if the parent engaging in unhealthy behaviours is the RP.

One parent can try their best. Be positive about the other parent, not bad mouth and (most importantly) teach children the skills to think independently. So if a parent is mouthing off about the other parent, instead of internalising it, the child has the ability to stop and think ‘is that MY experience of my parent? No it isn’t’. Or ‘yes it is.’ And the parents voice becomes less dominant and the child’s internal reality is what they allow to have happen.

Both of those scenarios are a best wish. So much depends on the resilience and emotional make up of the child. Children are programmed to need their mothers (more so than fathers as mothers were the source of food). So it is VERY unnatural and difficult for a child to reject a mother. The reality is that a mother can engage in deeply unhealthy behaviours and the child will simply accept/ defend that parent. Why? Because their need for that parent and fear of loss outweighs anything else.

This is really deeply damaging psychology at play in some families post separation. Some I think is peoples own damage coming out subconsciously and they’re sadly replaying their own unresolved traumas. Some is out and out vindictiveness. And this is what is missed time and again on these boards. Not all scenarios are this extreme but I would hazard a guess that there a degrees of this sort of stuff underpinning a fair few scenarios.

There is sweet FA SP’s can do in these scenarios aside from detach and try and not let the dysfunction consume them.