Mumsnet anti-stepparent

[GlitterCupcakes]

Does anyone else find this site is very anti-stepparent? The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent. I find it crazy. How many admins on the mumsnet team are actually stepparents or are they all DM’s who loath the existence of stepparents in their children’s lives?

@AnnaDyne

Haven't rtft, but it seems that good, happy, well adjusted step parents don't post often on MN. The posts that are often here are ones slagging off the mum, the kids or are full of resentment.

Often the problem is of course the Husband, but the SM fails to realise that and blames everyone else.

I don't think that MN is anti step parent and has to protect step parents. MN is pretty judgmental and intolerant of most people!

This is where comments go from in my opinion, to wide sweeping blanket statements of "truth" that isn't everyone's "truth". It's bias and based on your perspective but it's not the rule.

Mad that people can say this stuff and use a blanket approach to all stepfamilies without knowing all the perspective of the players in the game.

Wide sweeping statements just make most of us roll our eyes. Constructive is helpful, generalisations aren't

Secondly, a lot of the time on here we can be talking about very young "new" DC, often toddler age even. Who really expects a toddler to consider themselves lucky because their parents are together
Just wanted to respond to this because I mentioned this on a recent thread.

To be clear. No I do not expect toddlers, nor even older children to be grateful that their parents are together, when their half siblings are not. The reason why I brought it up is because of a number of SMs stating that separated kids should just accept their fate, and be grateful that they get to have holidays with their mum and not expect their dad to take them. I do not agree with this at all. I think both concepts are wrong. However, I think that you are going to believe it one, it is only fair to believe in the other or it does become a double standard.

It's easy to pick on one thing said out of context and then act as if that poster is anti-step-parent. I see that quite a bit a bit, as if some posters are looking for ammunition to fire back and claim the poster is anti-step-parent just because they don't agree with their views.

Accept their fate? What does that even mean?

They have to accept their parents are seperated - what else could they do?

They have to accept their parents are seperated - what else could they do?
Indeed, just like the new children have to accept that their dad already has children whose happiness and welfare he is equally responsible for. All his children deserve to feel loved and prioritised by him equally.

So yes, they have to accept the concept, but it's about what it means in practice. Accepting they are not going to ever go on holiday with both their mum and dad. Indeed, that's not negotiable. Accept that their dad will always spend more money, more quality time, give more attention, more love to his other children, no, they don't have to accept.

@vivainsomnia you are describing a poor dad not a poor step parent there.

I find it a mixed bag tbh. Sometimes you get a poster who clearly hates and resents all stepmums (maybe step dads too, but the ones I've seen it has always been step mums). The poster, if a stepmum can't seem to do right by these posters. That is silly and shouldn't happen, but mnhq can't delete their posts unless they break guidelines. That's the same when, for instance, someone clearly hates and resents all teachers or doctors and slags them off at any opportunity. Unless they break guidelines, it's difficult to prevent, unfortunately.

I also see a lot of threads where younger step mums, early on in relationships, post asking for advice. A lot of people (including me) with personal experience of stepparenting or being in relationships with parents, will advise in good faith, but will get shot down unless they say "you go babe. Ignore the horrible kid and the horrible ex and get married and make a life with him toot sweet". Anything more balanced can end up getting "aw wot r u a stepmum hater or wot"? "Um...no, I've been there. Just trying to advise".

So, yes, there are times when this site is friendly enough to step parents. But equally, there are posters who aren't happy unless it's ALL sunshine and rainbows and go girl be a step mum, which is equally stupid imo.

Not friendly enough*

@vivainsomnia

They have to accept their parents are seperated - what else could they do? Indeed, just like the new children have to accept that their dad already has children whose happiness and welfare he is equally responsible for. All his children deserve to feel loved and prioritised by him equally.

So yes, they have to accept the concept, but it's about what it means in practice. Accepting they are not going to ever go on holiday with both their mum and dad. Indeed, that's not negotiable. Accept that their dad will always spend more money, more quality time, give more attention, more love to his other children, no, they don't have to accept.

Right, but that's not every dad is it?

you are describing a poor dad not a poor step parent there
Exactly! Yet many SMs will take comments to be against them personally when it really is the dad who is the problem. Sadly, there are many of them. You just to go on AIBU to hear about them.

@vivainsomnia

you are describing a poor dad not a poor step parent there Exactly! Yet many SMs will take comments to be against them personally when it really is the dad who is the problem. Sadly, there are many of them. You just to go on AIBU to hear about them.

But you're making it like most dad's act like this....

So many people on here proving the point and coming along with specific issues from their broken relationships.

Not every ex DH is your ex DH and not every SM is the OW (or alternately, the horrible stepmum you had when you were child).

Yet many SMs will take comments to be against them personally when it really is the dad who is the problem

To be fair most comments are directed at the the SM. In some cases comments are worded so as to be as hurtful as possible. This is why there are so many iterations of the stepmum bingo card.

Can you honestly say the people saying these to step mums aren't intending for them to be taken personally?

@KylieKoKo that bingo card is brilliant. And depressing.

But you're making it like most dad's act like this....
I'm not, I'm really not, but SMs will inevitably defend their OH when they are in love and either never see them for who they are because it suits them, or not until they are themselves at the end of their selfishness.

There are many fantastic nrps and I know quite a few. My dad was one of them.

@57KylieKoKo, I agree, but there is also a lot of nastiness from SMs against the exes. Every one is more focus on blaming the other than trying to gain some perspective.

It could have gone that way with my ex's new partner, but thankfully, we both decided to accept each other and focus on the positives and it went from there. We are not close in anyway, but there is a mutual respect.

but SMs will inevitably defend their OH when they are in love and either never see them for who they are because it suits them,
I actually think there's a lot of sms on here who fully acknowledge that the main problem is their partner, & following on from that the relationship between their partner & his ex & how that instigates Disney parenting.
It's been my experience that most sms while being driven crazy by the sdc's behaviour acknowledge that they don't blame the sdcs but rather their parents.
There are a few who refuse to see anything wrong with their partners behaviour but they are generally called out by other sms.

@vivainsomnia

But you're making it like most dad's act like this.... I'm not, I'm really not, but SMs will inevitably defend their OH when they are in love and either never see them for who they are because it suits them, or not until they are themselves at the end of their selfishness.

There are many fantastic nrps and I know quite a few. My dad was one of them.

Or they defend them because the accusations are blatantly untrue?

@AnnaDyne

Haven't rtft, but it seems that good, happy, well adjusted step parents don't post often on MN. The posts that are often here are ones slagging off the mum, the kids or are full of resentment.

Often the problem is of course the Husband, but the SM fails to realise that and blames everyone else.

I would agree that it's mostly (not always) SPs having problems that tend to post here and on other SP forums. The tone of posts is usually attributing difficulties to the Ex, which may well be genuinely the case...but often times it's really not.

A myriad of posts are about:

•The Ex being unemployed, lazy and always demanding more money
•The Ex giving the kids junk food
• Unlimited screen time
• No bed time
• No routine
• Just not wanting the SC around
• Kids being just like their DM (said in a negative manner)

It's like the Ex is an absolutely useless mother and neglects the kids and that she's entirely to blame for any and all problems the kids have.

I don't think that MN is anti step parent and has to protect step parents.

I agree. I think if anyone should be protected it's men who dare to post here. The double standards in the responses are crazy.

@Sandy2K

I used to get my ears bent from one SIL about another with almost your complete list. I really liked the person being complained about (compassionate, good listener, tolerant) - but sadly, the complaints were entirely factual!

I agree. I think if anyone should be protected it's men who dare to post here. The double standards in the responses are crazy.

See you say that but you recently went around referencing me supposedly having double standards about men across multiple threads recently when it categorically was not the case.

*The tone of posts is usually attributing difficulties to the Ex, which may well be genuinely the case...but often times it's really not.

A myriad of posts are about:

•The Ex being unemployed, lazy and always demanding more money
•The Ex giving the kids junk food
• Unlimited screen time
• No bed time
• No routine
• Just not wanting the SC around
• Kids being just like their DM (said in a negative manner)

It's like the Ex is an absolutely useless mother and neglects the kids and that she's entirely to blame for any and all problems the kids have.*
Yes but @SandyY2K I think the reason there's so many posts like this is it often IS the ex & these behaviours.
I honestly don't like dissing other mothers & I know that in many ways 'good' parenting can be subjective & not all 'bad' parenting is actually bad but it can be when it impacts the child's interactions with other people & I think that's what we get here - sms at the end of their tether because of 'bad'/impactful parenting on the part of the rp which is then ignored & not addressed by the nrp, & both combined affect the dc's behaviour.
For eg a good friend of mine would be considered a 'bad' parent by many. Her dc stayed up late, roam free, are very loud, started drinking quite young, one dropped out of school etc. etc. Yet these dc (now all teens and young adults) are also very kind, very funny, extremely hardworking & are bright & lively. One has put herself through university with no financial assistance & the other has worked her way up to being an assistant manager at work at the age of 20. My friend gave them a lot of freedom but also taught them kindness and respect and they are some of the least entitled young people I've ever met.
My friend is a divorced parent who had an awful break up & receives no support from her ex. She never stopped working & despite loosing her house she refused to exist on benefits. That attitude overrides any perceived 'bad' parenting.
The flip side of this are women like my exdp's exw who also does the 'bad' parenting stuff (dc up til all hours, endless junk food, stupid amounts of gaming time). But the actual 'bad' parenting is her attitude of entitlement; her belief that she should never work; that exdp should work himself to the bone to support her & her belief that her dc are golden children who should have everything handed to them on a plate by exdp & her belief that her dc should be allowed adhere to her parenting standards when with exdp or when with anyone else including family members & his partner.
Screen time, junk food, lack of routine etc. become very problematic issues when they are underpinned by a attitude of immense entitlement & when dc are being taught that they don't ever have to adhere or respect anyone else's rules/boundaries.
And I think when people post about this stuff the majority acknowledge that their dp's response to this, which is basically a fear response which further enables the entitled behaviour of exes & often dc, does nothing to help the situation.

if a child is traumatised from their parents separation then the blame for that lies solely on the parents in my opinion

Hmmm… separation is a traumatic experience full stop. Including for those who engineered a split and have already moved on prior to the relationship ending.

I am more than willing to admit my marriage wasn’t perfect but the way my ex behaved (and continues to behave) has been deeply traumatising for all concerned. I have been a bloody model ex, thanks to good friends who held me up from the beginning and supported me to put the children first even when every inch of my being just wanted to take them and run. Our children have enjoyed a good quality relationship with their father because I kept the shit to myself, smiled, glossed over the negative and emphasised the positive.

I take no responsibility whatsoever for my ex’s behaviour, however and nor should I be expected to - the 2 year long affair, stealing money from our buisness, telling a 4 year old child to keep his meeting the OW a secret, denying paternity of the unborn baby, refusing to pay maintenance, the taking me to court for full residence of children he claimed weren’t his despite the 50/50 split that was in place from day one, the persistent gaslighting and lying, the women he brings into our lives who he lies to and who consequently become so wrapped up in his narrative, they can’t help but bad mouth me to our children’s faces. And don’t get me started on the OW and her behaviour. That would fill a book.

I am sure there is much I could have done better-and could still do better today. But any trauma our children experienced, that’s on my ex. It’s not necessarily parents that cause problems. It would have been way more traumatic if I had played his games.

"But any trauma our children experienced, that’s on my ex. It’s not necessarily parents that cause problems*

This seems a bit contradictory. Your ex is parent and is responsible for the trauma.

Well yes @Getawaywithit in your situation your ex caused the trauma. We all understand and accept that. However when it's the woman who causes it (like in our case) you get told, oh you shouldn't believe everything you're told, it must be your partner, was he a shit husband to her, were you the ow, etc etc as if it's impossible for a woman to be the one to cause a trauma or a difficult relationship.

When it's a man we just go oh what a shit and accept it.

If you re married for instance, and you explained to your husband about the relationship with your ex, how much trouble he has caused, do you think people would be telling him that he shouldn't trust you? Asking him if he was the other man? Accusing you of being a shit wife to justify the behaviour?

No, me neither.

All I want is the same reaction that you would get as a divorced woman. That's it. Nobody wants special treatment.

Great post @Getyourarseofffthequattro.
There exists a very sexist ideology that because women give birth they are automatically set up to be mothers & that natural instinct should kick in & that even when a women is being an absolute weapon to an ex partner she is ONLY doing so because he's made her life sooooo difficult she has to 'protect' her babies.

This same logic doesn't apply to sms though because they are a subspecies without true feelings!