Mumsnet anti-stepparent

[GlitterCupcakes]

Does anyone else find this site is very anti-stepparent? The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent. I find it crazy. How many admins on the mumsnet team are actually stepparents or are they all DM’s who loath the existence of stepparents in their children’s lives?

MN is anti horrible step-parents. As anyone should be.

@Ostryga

MN is anti horrible step-parents. As anyone should be.

Of course but I don’t see them deleting any replies to posts bashing stepparents from people who clearly aren’t stepparents. I’ll probably get banned for this but how can they run a site when stepparents don’t feel supported? People who aren’t stepparents freely comment in this forum and wreck havoc, putting down stepmums who are trying their best. I don’t see admins on any threads saying, ‘hey guys, chill a bit, the OP is asking for advice. If they didn’t care they wouldn’t be here’ sort of thing.

People who aren’t stepparents freely comment in this forum and wreck havoc, putting down stepmums who are trying their best.

The only way to deal with those who are clearly not step-parents on this board is for step-parents to take such posters to task each and everytime. They then stop posting on these threads or change their username.

It's anti-everything. Step parent, Vegan, Driver, Child, Parent, Sibling, McDonald's, In-law, whatever.

If you can ignore the Aunties antis, there are posters offering wisdom, intelligence and empathy.

GlitterCupcakes The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent.

@GlitterCupcakes I know what thread you are referring to and your post was deleted because you were nasty to a pp NOT because you were being supportive of the Op.

If you breach talk guidelines then your post gets deleted. That applies to everyone.

There are plenty of supportive threads for step parents on MN I’ve found. Step parenting ‘bashing’ generally occurs when a poster is being entirely unreasonable about expectations of real life with a partner who has children already. Most step families are the result of previous trauma (divorce/separation/death) so naturally emotions run high for anyone posting in that section from differing pov’s. IME most step parents are just doing their best. Generally posts are deleted when talk guidelines are breached rather than MN having a secret hatred of step parents

I don't think MN is.....I see so so many threads posted by step parents who openly admit to disliking their step children, who are openly hostile, can be in there lives for years from a young age but can easily walk away etc and they are generally well supported

I suspect were deleted for breaching talk guidelines, not for being a step parent or supporting one. Maybe have a read of them.

@twinningatlife

I don't think MN is.....I see so so many threads posted by step parents who openly admit to disliking their step children, who are openly hostile, can be in there lives for years from a young age but can easily walk away etc and they are generally well supported

See now one poster actually said she would walk away from a guy who also had young kids, hers were elder and she said she couldn't cope with the different parenting styles aka he's a Disney dad. Shocker.

And she got ripped apart saying she was a awful person for saying I'm gonna walk away from the relationship because it's unfair to both sets of kids.
Absolutely crucified. It does happen and it's not always supportive.

OP I get what your saying, but I don't think is MN per say I think it's just generally the bar of what is acceptable in step parenting world is very varied, one persons reasonable is another's abuse. But so is the bar for parenting generally but that tends to be less emotive.

I have noticed the support cafe is left well alone by anyone other than step parents so I suspect that is hidden from the post coming up in the most popular feed.

I think if there's any type of bashing, we have to point it out every time. Disagreements will happen, but you have to point out when it's just bashing with no constructive advice. Tends to be the same posters anyway.

I appreciate comments from people who aren't step parents that are constructive or shaming. Those people live here too, although it's hard to see their comments because often threads get hijacked by someone on their own personal ventta to burn the village down.

I think that's what both sides don't see is there's three groups really. Anti SP, the SPs and then the people involved in SP who are just people will a different view.
If we can accept that most that's offered on here is a opinion, then opinions aren't facts and they also can't be wrong but they can be emotive. Weeding through it can be tough but calling out shaming and bashing is something that we have to do from both sides.

The thing is, certain types of threads (step parenting, smacking kids, breastfeeding vs bottle, childcare) will always have a lot of strong opinions because they stir up emotional responses.

If you see people ‘wreaking havoc’ or being really harsh then you need to report them every time. If it’s just people disagreeing with the op (eg no you shouldn’t send your stepson to his room at night, no you shouldn’t make your stepchild sleep on the couch when you have two bedrooms free) then unfortunately that’s part and parcel of posting on a public forum. If you only want people to agree then don’t ask.

@Oceanbliss

GlitterCupcakes The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent.

@GlitterCupcakes I know what thread you are referring to and your post was deleted because you were nasty to a pp NOT because you were being supportive of the Op.

If you breach talk guidelines then your post gets deleted. That applies to everyone.

Also, this. You told op to ignore another poster and were derogatory towards them. If you had left that out and just included your advice/opinion then your post wouldn’t have been deleted.

I think that if you come on MN and go straight for the AIBU stuff, then you do see a lot of negative stuff on all topics because people are asked for their opinions directly. I think there Is a lot more thoughtful, supportive stuff on the less showy threads.
You get quite a distorted view if you just go for”active” as well,

MNHQ delete posts that go against the Talk Guidelines, which are very clear. If your post got deleted you were nasty/rude/offensive to or about someone. It won't have been because you were defending a stepparent.

I had a wicked step mother so, in my own personal experience that I don’t need commenting on, I’m not a fan. We’re entitled to an opinion still, I think.

I think the problem is that it's such an emotive issue. Posters who are 'anti-stepparent' as you put it probably have experience of either having stepparents, or they've broken up with their partner and have the experience of having a stepparent in their children's lives. Even with a great stepparent in their lives it can be difficult in many many ways.

There are also some people who get into relationships with others with children and are blinkered, going into it with unrealistic expectations, and then the children are the ones who suffer for it.

I've personally had quite a lot of support for my current situation - but at the same time I've had plenty of unhelpful comments too, when I've said certain things. But those people are not in my situation, so I take it with a pinch of salt. Only the individual knows exactly what's happening in their home.

@GoodnightGrandma

I had a wicked step mother so, in my own personal experience that I don’t need commenting on, I’m not a fan. We’re entitled to an opinion still, I think.

I think this is the main issue. People like @GoodnightGrandma project their issues with their own step parents onto the posters here.

Why do you think it's ok to bash all step parents because you've had a bad experience with one? It makes no sense.

As someone with no skin in the game so to speak (parent but not a step parent, nor have I had a step parent) I find the step parenting board and threads tend to turn into an attack on the step parent. Yes this is sometimes justified but often not. Saying you are struggling and need advice is difficult enough without people piling on

The first question asked is usually where you the OW. The implication being that the only way to become a step parent is to have an affair, lure away an unsuspecting poor dedicated husband and father with the sole intention of ruining children's lives so you deserve everything you get

The feeling amoungst many on the threads is that a step mum must be available to provide care 24/7 while not disciplining the children (because they have 2 parents to do that, just not to look after them). They must always be a cross between Mary Poppins and Maria from The Sound of Music, hand over whatever the other parent asks for, do nothing that doesn't include the step children (god forbid their own kids get a day out with just mum!). and basically pander to The Mother at all times.

There are some who frankly shouldn't be around children, absolutely there are. But there's a very dedicated group who seem to stalk step parent threads and use them to bully and attack. There is a general feeling that the step parents place is in the wrong no matter what.

I don’t bash them , but I understand some people’s point of view.
Perhaps some step parents have never been step children.

@GoodnightGrandma and a fair amount of people commenting on step parenting board have never been a step parent. It swings both ways empathy.

That and the fact it's very easy to judge a situation without being in it.

There isn't a hierarchy that says I have lived experience of x so therefore my word is law as it's all just opinions and perspective.

But I'm firmly of the belief the bashing isn't needed. Asking if OP is OW is just one of the many things that's said to start a war. So is being a terminology warrior, education on words yes, hijacking a thread repeatedly saying nothing constructive is bullying 🤷🏼‍♀️

No I don't think it is and I'm a SM. I seen your post that was deleted and in my opinion broke talk guidelines.

If anything I find the

I don't think mumsnet itself is anti step parent but there is definitely a group of posters that are and take great delight in causing problems on this board.

The number of people that get upset at the use of the term BM for example, it's used on 3 other forums I can think of as common place, not everyone knows the mn terms, it's not a crime. As others said the number of times a poster gets asked if she is the other woman etc etc

Being with someone with kids is bloody hard, it can be made harder by a difficult mother in the background a Disney dad or badly behaved kids and no often a poster won't know what they are getting into until they are in it

I think you have to tread very carefully on MN if you are posting as a SP. You are essentially talking about someone else kids. Its taken very personally by a lot mothers because you could be talking about their kids - its almost personal.

You will get arses on every thread. I personally bug eyed at a SM a while back who badgered her new partner for a kitten, she wasn't allowed one in her old rental but now she had moved in with her partner she wanted one. The thing was his son was allergic to cat hair/skin. She promised to get rid of it if the lad got bad with his allergies. He did. But she was refusing to get rid of it now and thought the best option was for him to just regularly take antihistamines or sit in his bedroom when he was there

Wow that went off

I don't know, I quietly get on with the business of having the nastiest comments removed from threads, don't even engage with the posters in that case.
People are allowed to disagree quite strongly on any thread they like, although I do wish sometimes they would be read the room before wading in with irrelevant opinions - "I'm not a parent, a step parent or a step child but my next door neighbour is a step child and she says her SM was a bitch so I think all SMs are bitches" type comments... Not enough eye rolls.

@Oceanbliss

GlitterCupcakes The admins will delete replies by stepparents that support other stepparents but rarely delete replies bashing the stepparent.

@GlitterCupcakes I know what thread you are referring to and your post was deleted because you were nasty to a pp NOT because you were being supportive of the Op.

If you breach talk guidelines then your post gets deleted. That applies to everyone.

I told an OP to ignore someone who was being conceited and telling the OP that she had to forfeit all her desired alone time to the stepchild which is ridiculous and wouldn’t be expected in nuclear families! I think I should be allowed to tell one poster to ignore the other when I disagree with it, as someone should be able to do to any comment I make, but thats not even the point.

The point is well explained by @Glenthebattleostrich so I won’t repeat what they’ve said.

Mumsnet is biased against stepparents. These mums hold stepmums to the highest unattainable standard in their comments when they don’t hold themselves to the same standard.

Mumsnet does nothing to stop stepparents from being bashed and this place is a very toxic environment, not a safe space. If you took all the replies ganging up on a stepparent to heart, I genuinely think it would lead the stepparent down a very dangerous route and I hope people reading this forum take replies with a pinch of salt. But I imagine some don’t and it weighs down on them. Some people will think that these posters, who might I add are on the VERY extreme side of things, are completely right and be left with very low self esteem.

Mumsnet needs to foster a safe environment for stepparents and step up when a post has received many of the same reply to ask people to cool it and say the OP has received enough of the same opinion, if you’ve nothing different to add, don’t be another negative voice - is their website supposed to make stepparents feel put down and like shit or is it a safe place for stepparents to seek advice? It can’t be both and like I said, if a stepparent is on here, they truly care and want help and bashing them doesn’t achieve anything.

@GlitterCupcakes most nuclear families on that thread were saying they don’t treat their own DC like that and it is just what life is like when you have teenagers