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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

247 replies

Goldbracelets · 22/08/2021 12:44

My fiancé has a 13 year old daughter. He and her Mum separated 18 months ago and her Mum is NOT happy about it. She still sends nasty texts and accuses my fiancé of plotting to murder her, while begging for him back. It’s nuts. There’s probably some mental health issues there, and I don’t for one second forget how hard this is on a 13 year old. She has a great relationship with her Dad who she stays with about a third of the time. My fiancé have been going out for a year and both of us feel it’s just right and hopefully long term. We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me. She won’t even talk about it. My fiancé tells her that I have nothing to do with the separation and that she’s not betraying her Mum etc etc but she just says “yeah I know, but I don’t want to meet her” and won’t say anything else. I am worried this attitude will never change. Her Mum tells her bad stuff about me and she just believes it. We don’t know what to do. Any advice? My mum is an educational psychologist and says she should meet me sooner rather than later because she’ll have a negative image in her head of me and once she meets mr she’ll realise I’m not terrible, but I don’t know. We don’t want to force her, but we want to move on with our lives all the same.

OP posts:
PricklesAndSpikes · 22/08/2021 16:15

@DancesWithTortoises

So many people taking delight in giving OP a good kicking.

Step mother haters out in force today.

OP, this place is not helpful or useful for step parents. Too many people just like to put the boot in.

Eh? Confused The OP hasn't even met the child so how can this be anything about stepmothers? She is the secret fiancée of a man with a child. And since she is a secret, the OP can't even know for sure that the child even knows about her, much less doesn't want to meet her!
Plumtree391 · 22/08/2021 16:16

@Rach888

I would think carefully about what this man is really like. He splits up with a long term partner/wife that he has a child with, then meets and becomes engaged to a new woman within an 18 month period, during a pandemic? Sounds like a rebound engagement. Tread carefully.
I quite agree.

There are men with no children, why lumber yourself wth one who has a child.

OttilieStonelady · 22/08/2021 16:18

I suggest you do a Clare's law check on this man op. It would be unusual for a woman to text a man directly and privately re him plotting to kill her if there was no truth in it. I am getting abuser vibes here. I could be wrong however I've been there myself and refused to believe it at the time.

DancesWithTortoises · 22/08/2021 16:21

Methinks the stepmother haterz protesteth too much.

Point proven.

Witchesbelazy · 22/08/2021 16:22

I long for the day we can have a post on Mumsnet without people banging on about lockdowns and covid

Nocutenamesleft · 22/08/2021 16:22

You’re just going to have to wait

To be fair. I’m unsure why you’d want to continue this relationship. Or why your fiancé wants to carry it on. If my children hated my fiancé. It would make me think very long and hard about the relationship and I personally don’t think it looks good on him either. He doesn’t seem to be putting her too far first. Which he should ALWAYS do.

Don’t ambush her. Just wait. She might never want to meet you and that’s ok. Patience will serve you well

However if she meets you and takes a dislike to you. Also make sure that that’s also ok.

You’ve only been with him for such a short amount of time. You’ve not lived together. Your engaged before you’ve even moved in. Or more importantly met his child!

I don’t know why. But it doesn’t look good. Any of this. Forget the ex wife and what’s she is saying. That is nothing to do with you and you need to keep out of that side.

MzHz · 22/08/2021 16:22

The best advice any one of us can ever give you is:

Do not get involved with this man. His ex is going to make your life a misery for years to come, the dsd may very well do so too.

There are plenty of better bets out there for you. Don’t do this to yourself

HummingBeeBox · 22/08/2021 16:26

It took me and my siblings a few years to get on with my step mum and probably a decade to feel close to her. It's a slow burn and we all went at different speeds. Her reaction is perfectly ok and she will make up her own mind. I was 15 when my step mum moved in with my dad and I liked her faster than my 12 year old sister who struggled for years.

Don't try too hard. I know you want her to like you but her life is upside down and he is making a new family, not with her and it probably really sucks.

I'm sure you'll get there eventually with her.

OttilieStonelady · 22/08/2021 16:26

@OttilieStonelady

I suggest you do a Clare's law check on this man op. It would be unusual for a woman to text a man directly and privately re him plotting to kill her if there was no truth in it. I am getting abuser vibes here. I could be wrong however I've been there myself and refused to believe it at the time.
You're convinced already that the mum is nuts and has mental health problems. There are accusations of plots to murder. Child you haven't met and apparently refuses to meet you. Very fast engagement after recent separation. Talks of children of your own when you haven't met his existing child and don't live together. All very worrying op. You may not be able to see it but I would tread carefully.
LynseyLoses · 22/08/2021 16:27

@DancesWithTortoises

Methinks the stepmother haterz protesteth too much.

Point proven.

No...I don't think you did prove a point there or make any sort of sensible argument other than "why are you all step mum haterz?". I mean, this is a step parenting board, so chances are some of us are / were step mums?

I am not really sure how to engage if you can't be sensible.

GullyGull · 22/08/2021 16:29

I'm a step mother, have been for 12 years and I think this is nuts! It's potentially a very real waste of the OPs limited fertile years in chasing a dream with a flakey man who is obviously future faking.

You have no idea how he is as a father, you haven't lived together and really have no reference as to what he is really like as a partner. A secret engagement is a nonsense as its based on nothing. You really don't know each other fully yet till all those involved have met and more importantly you don't know his child or how he is as a parent or how they will react to you. If you don't get on then the future will be very hard and it's not looking too promising right now.

Don't waste precious years on chasing a fantasy and missing out on your dream of having kids.

I'm not a step mum hater as I am one and I think the OP needs to get her head out of the sand. Oh and stop listening to your mum, that was spectacularly bad advice!

Tiredoftattler · 22/08/2021 16:34

OP assume that she meets you and does not like you, what then is going to be your next step. Given the way that this situation has evolved, it is reasonable to assume that she will not be happy after meeting you.
If you are prepared to move in even if she does not like you, then you can move forward with your plans without the initial meet.

Most 13 year olds don't necessarily feel the need to be involved in their parent's love life particularly if they do not view it as something serious. She is totally unaware of your plans about living together and having children. She does not know you on any level. Have the 2 of you asked yourselves exactly what should be the motivating factor in her wanting to meet you? Not every kid is interested in meeting mom or dad's new love interest.

Clearly, her mom and dad have done little to help this child cope with the substantial changes in her life. The caring thing would be for her father to focus on helping her make a healthy adjustment to the loss of her familiar family structure before introducing her to another family unit.

A man who is barely out of a long time relationship and has already become engaged is probably not the best role model for healthy adjustment strategies.

Both father and daughter would probably benefit from counseling .

ittakes2 · 22/08/2021 16:36

I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.

Doyoumind · 22/08/2021 16:39

@ittakes2

I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.
Please don't do this.
DeadButDelicious · 22/08/2021 16:39

I think the pair of you are trying to move this thing on far too quickly. I find myself questioning why he wants to get so serious so quickly. That would be a red flag for me given the circumstances.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes relationships move fast, it happened to me, I met and moved in with my husband within a month but we didn't have children or divorces or angry ex's to contend with. We were the only people who stood to get hurt.

You've been together 18 months. During a pandemic. He has a 13 year old child you haven't met and who doesn't want to meet you. You don't even live together and have no immediate plans too. Maybe slowing things right down and really getting to know this man and his daughter, (when she is ready for that of course) and then making a decision about marriage and kids would be an idea.

SW1amp · 22/08/2021 16:41

@ittakes2

I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.
Good lord no This is a terrible idea
Duochromey · 22/08/2021 16:42

@ittakes2

I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.
I don't think mum is going to be up for this
Duochromey · 22/08/2021 16:43

@Witchesbelazy

I long for the day we can have a post on Mumsnet without people banging on about lockdowns and covid
Maybe 2040
Bananalanacake · 22/08/2021 16:45

You can have a relationship without being engaged. If my dad had a new gf soon after leaving my mum I would refuse to meet her for at least 5 years, I'd be so upset about the split.

GullyGull · 22/08/2021 16:46

Why would she want to meet the OP for coffee when she has said she doesn't want the separation to happen and is so against the daughter meeting the GF? That's nor a sensible suggestion

YanTanTethera123 · 22/08/2021 16:49

@ittakes2

I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.
Do you seriously think the ex wife is going to want to have a coffee with the other woman? Or the ex wife be persuaded to get the potential stepdd to be nice to the other woman? Seriously? 😳 Poor kid.
myheartskippedabeat · 22/08/2021 16:52

@TheQueef

So he only left his 11+ year relationship 18 months ago?
This!!!! No wonder she doesn't want to meet you it's all very sudden after 11+ years and when the mother and child find out about your engagement that will be more upset

I'd be honest and upfront
Tell them about the whole thing, engagement, moving in, wanting a baby and most importantly reassuring his daughter you want her To be part of it don't drip feed as this will stir up trouble everytime there is another announcement

funinthesun19 · 22/08/2021 16:54

ittakes2
“I would contact her mother and ask to have a coffee. I would work on this relationship first and see how things go. The daughter needs time and if you are in it for the long haul than you need to give her as much time as she needs.”

Please don't do this.

Yes please don’t do this. For your own sake. Save yourself the embarrassment and save the ex the possible satisfaction of telling you to fuck off.

viques · 22/08/2021 16:55

What a caring father he is turning out to be , so sensitive to his existing child’s emotional needs that although his DD is so upset by his new relationship that she is refusing to meet his current gf he is already talking about weddings, playing house and making new babies .

How do you think the DD will react to that little series of bombshells OP ? I really think you need to slow down a bit, this man is carrying huge baggage from his previous relationship, and while it doesn’t seem to matter much to him I am pretty sure it will cause huge problems for you in the not too distant future.

BelladiMamma · 22/08/2021 16:58

@VodselForDinner

Also, serious red flags with this guy.

In a new relationship very quickly.
Keeping parts of your relationship a secret.
Future-faking.
“Psycho” ex.

Klaxons aplenty.

This ^
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