Page 7 | Fiance’s Daughter refuses to meet me

Blossomtoes · 22/08/2021 15:02

@MrsMaizel

You met him 6 months after he left ?

What’s wrong with that?

ChinstrapBobblehat · 22/08/2021 15:13

Wow. I think you’re being unbelievably insensitive. Neither you nor her father seem to have any understanding whatsoever of how difficult this must be for her. She’s at the worst possible age, too - an adolescent child may already be struggling with unpredictable hormones and mood swings, without having to deal with all this complicated emotional stuff being piled on top by the adults in her life.

She owes you nothing. She doesn’t really need to meet you yet because it sounds like your relationship is still in its formative stages, so why push her when she’s clearly not ready? It won’t improve your chances of being liked or accepted by her in the long run.

As context for my reply, my dad is 4 months into his first new relationship after his 50 year marriage to my mum, who died in September. He’s totally bedazzled by this new woman, and whilst I don’t begrudge him his happiness (far from it, in fact - my sister and I positively encouraged him to start dating), I’ve realised there’s absolutely no way I’m ready to meet her or have her involved in my family’s lives. The thought of her staying in my mum’s house is frankly sickening, and I’m just not mentally prepared to see my dad with her. Believe me, this reaction has taken me completely by surprise, but it’s visceral and I need time to process my feelings and deal with them.

I’m a rational and objective grown-ass woman and I’m struggling with it all. How on earth do you imagine a 13 year old girl must feel at the prospect of meeting her dad’s new girlfriend? Just awful I should think.

SpongebobNoPants · 22/08/2021 15:14

You met him 6 months after he left ?

I don’t see what the relevance to that is? I met my soon to be husband only 12 weeks after I left my ex. Our relationship was dead in the water for several years before we decided enough was enough, so yes 12 weeks after he moved out but in reality my prior relationship had been over for 2 years with no intimacy etc

CantBeAssed · 22/08/2021 15:16

The whole situation just sounds like a major headache to me...

FightLikeABrave · 22/08/2021 15:19

This is always a really hard situation for everyone. I remember when my Dad met someone else after my mum died. I just didn't want anything to do with her. It wasn't personal or anything and it wasn't that I didn't like her, it was just that I didn't want to know. I didn't want a mum replacement or someone telling me what to do with my dad. I was glad he was happy but I didn't see what it had to do with me. I would rather have seen less of him, on his own.

Sorry if that is not helpfull. I just think that parents partners shouldn't be enforced on children who are not happy about it.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2021 15:20

The whole situation just sounds like a major headache to me...hmm

This much it true.

Plumtree391 · 22/08/2021 15:20

@Goldbracelets

I understand. I just wanted to know if there was anything we should be doing. Is there anything my fiance should say or will we just leave it for another 6 months?

Just leave it for now. You can't force a teenager to meet you but sooner or later she will become curious. It's a pity you met a man with a child, I don't know how you managed the 'courtship' during lockdown anyway. Poor kid.

MakemeaCake · 22/08/2021 15:29

@Goldbracelets An 'engagement' without a real plan to marry in the near future is meaningless. You know that surely? If you are engaged, then it's normal to work towards a wedding and set a date not talk about 'years down the line'.

We got engaged a few weeks ago, although we’re we won’t get married for several years. But we’d love to think about moving in together, and maybe even plan having a child together, since we’re no spring chickens. But although his daughter has known about us for a few months, she refuses to meet me.

Well of course she would. She's 13 and you have only dated for a year.

What's the point of being 'engaged' if you aren't planning a wedding?
You can still be committed to someone without saying you are engaged. why the delay? Is he still married?

How old are you? You say you are no spring chicken, so I'd assume you were at least mid-30s otherwise it's not relevant to mention your age in the context of having a baby with this man.

It all sounds like pie in the sky to me.

You are engaged but only thinking of moving in together, marriage might happen years down the line....

doesn't bode well to me.

Is he full of empty promises?

Whysolong7 · 22/08/2021 15:38

If you don’t mind me saying I’m not Surprised by her reaction. It’s been 18 months.

I know ex’s can sometimes be a nightmare but you haven’t been with him long enough to be sure that some of the things she is accusing him of aren’t true.

EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 15:38

You’re engaged to a man but he doesn’t want to tell anyone,keep it secret.
You’ve never met your secret fiancé daughter and her dad hasn’t told his daughter he’s engaged
Christ alive, it’s like a dodgy soap opera

If you’re a significant long term partner why is he so secretive?
Why are you acquiescing to this fuckery?

Rach888 · 22/08/2021 15:40

I would think carefully about what this man is really like. He splits up with a long term partner/wife that he has a child with, then meets and becomes engaged to a new woman within an 18 month period, during a pandemic? Sounds like a rebound engagement. Tread carefully.

Peacrock · 22/08/2021 15:44

Leave it for now, give her time and if/when she is ready then that is up to her. It sounds quite soon after her parents have split, and I don't think it's overly surprising she isn't fussed on meeting you, no offence. She's probably also worried how it will affect her time with her dad, he should be reassuring her.

Salome61 · 22/08/2021 15:45

I'm sorry but I remember being 20 and my Dad trying to introduce me to his girlfriend, I just wasn't interested in her at all. I was happy she made my Dad happy, and that was it. She died about five years ago and to this day I didn't know her surname.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/08/2021 15:49

@ChinstrapBobblehat

Wow. I think you’re being unbelievably insensitive. Neither you nor her father seem to have any understanding whatsoever of how difficult this must be for her. She’s at the worst possible age, too - an adolescent child may already be struggling with unpredictable hormones and mood swings, without having to deal with all this complicated emotional stuff being piled on top by the adults in her life.

She owes you nothing. She doesn’t really need to meet you yet because it sounds like your relationship is still in its formative stages, so why push her when she’s clearly not ready? It won’t improve your chances of being liked or accepted by her in the long run.

As context for my reply, my dad is 4 months into his first new relationship after his 50 year marriage to my mum, who died in September. He’s totally bedazzled by this new woman, and whilst I don’t begrudge him his happiness (far from it, in fact - my sister and I positively encouraged him to start dating), I’ve realised there’s absolutely no way I’m ready to meet her or have her involved in my family’s lives. The thought of her staying in my mum’s house is frankly sickening, and I’m just not mentally prepared to see my dad with her. Believe me, this reaction has taken me completely by surprise, but it’s visceral and I need time to process my feelings and deal with them.

I’m a rational and objective grown-ass woman and I’m struggling with it all. How on earth do you imagine a 13 year old girl must feel at the prospect of meeting her dad’s new girlfriend? Just awful I should think.

I felt like this under similar circumstances. It was unbearable. I was a married 30 something with children of my own. It took me a very long time to accept my now stepmother and the blended family thing has not worked out at all. I don't think people realise how difficult this is for children, even grown up ones!!

sadie9 · 22/08/2021 15:56

As the other poster says, this is all very hasty isn't it?
Your partner and his wife have only been separated for 1.5 years.
They had only split up 6 months when he started going out with you.
That's quick in anyone's books.
The 13yr old is caught in a very very difficult situation. She loves her mother and wants to be loyal to her. She loves her Dad but her Dad fecked off and started a new relationship a few months after leaving the family home.
To the daughter it seems like she would be being intensely disloyal to her mother by meeting you. The daughter currently is the only thing that is 'keeping the family together'. Can you see that? If the daughter accepts you then that's confirmation that her old family is dead in the water. She can't go home and complain about the Dad to her mother because she needs to protect her Dad from the mother's fury. Likewise she can't complain to her Dad if the mother is being difficult because that's what the Dad wants to hear, that the mother is 'nuts'.
Therefore the 13yr had nowhere to go with her feelings in this situations. She only gets more emotional demands made on her.

DancesWithTortoises · 22/08/2021 15:58

So many people taking delight in giving OP a good kicking.

Step mother haters out in force today.

OP, this place is not helpful or useful for step parents. Too many people just like to put the boot in.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/08/2021 15:58

I don't think OP got the response she was looking for.....

PearlyBird · 22/08/2021 16:02

There's so much pressure to just accept everything now. Which is the flip side of a more tolerant society. Good for you that you've left your 55 year old wife of 30 years to date a woman half your age from the ukraine but dont think that your children have to be breezy about that. They are living their life not being breezy about you living your best life.

VodselForDinner · 22/08/2021 16:03

@DancesWithTortoises

So many people taking delight in giving OP a good kicking.

Step mother haters out in force today.

OP, this place is not helpful or useful for step parents. Too many people just like to put the boot in.

She’s not a step mother.

She’s the girlfriend of a man who happens to have a child. She does not live with man.

Blossomtoes · 22/08/2021 16:04

@DancesWithTortoises

So many people taking delight in giving OP a good kicking.

Step mother haters out in force today.

OP, this place is not helpful or useful for step parents. Too many people just like to put the boot in.

She’s not a stepparent. I think you’ll find quite a few posters on this thread are.

LynseyLoses · 22/08/2021 16:04

I actually agree that Mumsnet can be not helpful for step parents, but usually this board is pretty good I think. I always try to support step mums as I know it can be an extremely difficult job. But, supporting step mums can also mean *not" supporting a relationship where they are leaving themselves open to harm. I really think op isn't to blame here, but she absolutely needs to think about whether a relationship this man is definitely worth either putting things on hold for, thereby potentially missing out on having her own dcs. Or upsetting a 13yo a lot, potentially ruining any chance of a good relationship with her, of they forge ahead too quickly. It's a pickle for sure and I don't think anyone should be giving op a hard time. But I think saying she'll get zero help or advice here is really unfair to the people who are frequent posters on this board.

OttilieStonelady · 22/08/2021 16:05

Red flags everywhere.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 22/08/2021 16:07

How do you know his ex is 'nuts'?
How do you know the girl knows about you?
How do you know the girl has refused to meet you?

Are these all things your bf has told you?

It's all going too quickly for you, and definitely too quickly for his daughter if she does know about you.

You have your dream of a happy family home with this man and his teenage daughter but you can't expect her to go along with it.

EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 16:09

@DancesWithTortoises

So many people taking delight in giving OP a good kicking.

Step mother haters out in force today.

OP, this place is not helpful or useful for step parents. Too many people just like to put the boot in.

Op isn’t a stepmum she’s the secret fiancée. Her boyfriend won’t disclose they're engaged And she has nil relationship with his daughter, she’s not met her So let’s be clear this is already peculiar with no input from mn

Bananarama21 · 22/08/2021 16:14

DancesWithTortoises

So many people taking delight in giving OP a good kicking.

Step mother haters out in force today.

OP, this place is not helpful or useful for step parents. Too many people just like to put the boot in.

You cannot be a step parent to a child that you've never even met. She's just the daughters partner at the moment.