Jealously of partner's two sons...

[Bradford333]

I have been with my partner for nearly 18 happy years. He has two sons and two grand-children. Eldest son is married, happy and settled with two sons. At the time, the youngest was young and immature but not surprising for a 15 year old, he was also trying to find his feet in the world. Then over time as the years rolled by the youngest started to treat his dad as his very own Bank of Dad. My partner and I argued endlessly about this as the financial situations that the youngest found himself were becoming intolerable, but his dad caved in every time because he had hoped that this would be the last time. However, my relationship with the eldest blossomed and 13 lovely years passed. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my thoughts and feelings for the youngest as I was often in despair at his attitude, i.e forgetting birthdays, Fathers Days as well as continually giving false promises and lying for most of the time, I learnt to keep my thoughts to myself even though it was extremely hard at times. Sadly, over time the eldest son did start to experience a few problems within his marriage, which we both tried to help and support. However, it all came to a head when the eldest had an argument with his dad saying that he was fed up of seeing us both spoil his younger brother etc. We then realised that he was very very jealous of the younger son, and some of what he said was true that my partner should have said no on some occasions, but on the flip side of that, we gave the eldest lots of love and support, especially when he and his family came to stay with us, as we would always do our utmost to make their stay as enjoyable and comfortable as possible. The end result of this is that my partner’s eldest son has refused to have anything to do with me ever since this happened nearly 5 years ago and my partner has been forbidden to see his grand-sons. The mum’s family have become involved and I have been told that the mum has a name for me which I won’t repeat and that her family absolutely hate me despite me having a very happy and what I considered to be a long term relationship with her eldest son for many happy years. We have both tried to reach out to the eldest son in order for this to be resolved in the hope that we can build on having the lovely relationship that we once had, but he and his wife are both adamant that I should remain in the wrong and absolutely refuse to want to discuss, deep in our hearts we know this is because whatever it is that I have said or done, it doesn’t deserve the 5 years of hated that they have towards me. All they want now is a relationship with my partner, my partner doesn’t understand or agree with this as he cannot see what their problem is, so he is supporting me. The youngest son is now older and so much more mature which is so lovely to see, however, as much as I love him to bits, I do have a slight resentment that as his relationship with his mum’s family continues to thrive, I do sometimes feel very hurt that it was some of his actions that caused most of this upset, yet I am bearing the brunt. There is a lot more to this situation as you can imagine, I have just given a brief outline to see if there is any advice or suggestions out there that could help, because at the moment it’s stalemate, with no winners in sight just losers.

Sorry, I should have said jealously between partner's two sons!!!

Until you know what you are supposed to have done it is difficult to approach reconciliation. You may just have become the scapegoat in all of this and the eldest son finds it easier to direct his resentment towards you for the ‘spoiling’ of son 2. It’s great dp is supporting you but he should push for some sort of explanation and make it clear he supports you. The elder son has created a way of controlling his father through this behaviour towards you which reveals he had some deep emotional issues to resolve.

What do DSS and his DM think you did? It’s not clear from your post.

I'm really sorry, I'm new to this, what does DSS and DM mean? I have been a bit evasive because I don't want anyone to connect this to me!

You are being blamed because your partner's eldest son -rightly - cannot believe that his dad acted in a way for so long to favour his younger brother over him.

Allow your partner to rebuild his relationship with the older boy without you.

It is then for your partner to tell his eldest son the truth e.g. his actions where he favoured the younger were his alone and nothing to do with you who actually argued with him over them.

The older boy may come round or he may not. However as he is an adult there is nothing either of you can do.

Your partner will still have the right to turn down more formal family occasions where he thinks you should be invited and should do so.

In addition ensure your partner tells both his sons clearly what's in his will and sorts out who is sorting out funeral arrangements etc so there is no targeting of you your partner dropped dead tomorrow.

Obviously the resentment has been building over a long period of time. But this is down to your partner not you. Just step back for the time being.

That's the thing Scatty, we have tried asking so that we can talk, but they refuse and their issues with me keep changing, it's like they are trying to justify their actions by being vague, or they are too embarrassed to admit that maybe they were out or order!

@Bradford333 it's very hard to advise without context.
There is obviously something they feel you have done which in their heads justifies their behaviour & without knowledge of this there won't be much advice anyone can give you.
Sorry you're in such a difficult position.
Dss - dear stepson
Dm - dear mum

Thank you, the problem is that my partner dislikes his eldest son's wife now because she has been extremely cruel, abusive, physically threatening towards my partner. As for his Will, yes, he made one a few months after this sad situation, which clearly provides for all three of us. It's not only me that his son has targeted, his has been quite mean towards his grandmother on my side of the family. Thank so much for your help.

Thank you, I always thought that the D was dear!!!! Bless you and thanks!

Also, they refuse to listen, my partner have asked questions in the past, but their answer is another fuelled issue that they have. I think that both of them have some kind of mental issues.

I think this happens in many families when a sibling needs more support and the ‘successful’ ones feel penalised for not being a ‘problem’. The focus on getting the ‘problem’ independent is seen as a reward.

As a previous poster suggested DO needs to be honest and explain it was his decision to bankroll younger son. Older son and wife obviously are bitter and conversations on unfairness perceived have sowed the seed that has led to you being the villain. Unfair that DP hasn’t forcefully righted version of events.

I think it is important to treat all kids equally financially where possible because I hear similar stories so often.

DO - I mean your DP

@Bradford333
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
Without knowing the eldest son's version of events it is impossible to know what is really going on here.

As the child in a similar scenario I know the step mother would tell people I took against her irrationally for a petty reason.

In fact as I matured and my children got to the ages I had been when I met her I was able to see how poorly she had treated me, maybe not deliberately but hurtfully none the less.

I have a choice about being in contact with her and I choose not to be close. I don't want to lose the relationship with my parent so some contact is unavoidable.

As a PP has said you need to think hard about arrangements for your wills and be very open with both sons. If you don't you could find yourself in a very distressing situation in the future, you only have to read some of the inheritance threads on here to see that.

If not much happened beyond what you've said in the OP, it sounds like you are being scapegoated, since you were the one that didn't agree with pandering to the youngest to begin with. If anyone has tried to explain that to the eldest and he is still behaving that way (and is a grown man) then tbh it would put me off having a relationship with HIM. He should be old enough to handle the fact that this was his dad's doing.

If DP doesn’t like son’s wife I can see how her perspective won’t be positive towards either of you. DP needs to work on his relationship with her before he expects them to reconcile with you. They probably think they hold the strong cards in granting access to grandchildren. Pretty toxic relationships sadly.

Hmmm - well maybe I'm putting 2 & 2 together & getting 50 but my reading of this is:
Eldest dss's frustration & jealousy with youngest dss eventually erupts. No one - him, his wife his mum - wants to 'blame' your dh as your dh is the one with the will. So Instead, you & other family members have become the scapegoats for all their resentment.
I would also surmise that eldest dss is being 'advised' to put a wedge between you & dh in order to secure what he now feels is his due in his dad's will. He (& those around him) may feel he 'deserves' more due to the youngest receiving more in the past. He may be concerned that if he plays happy families again that he will be overlooked - again.
I don't think there's much you can do about this in that your dh has created this mess by repeatedly treating his ds's unequally & as such he & his sons have a long road ahead repairing the relationship between the 3 of them before they even start to repair the wider family circle.

So I understand correctly?

There are clearly underlying tensions / dysfunction within the family. Some of it caused by the behaviour of the youngest child, some of it caused by your partners (possibly your) behaviour.
This has resulted in an explosion of sorts which has resulted in the eldest going no contact for a period of 5 years, including keeping their children away? You’ve tried a few times to resume contact and they have refused (deep down you know that this is because they are so in the wrong over how you have been treated). They’ve now reached out wanting just a relationship with your partner and your partner is refusing because he is ‘supporting you’.

Here’s my tuppence worth. You don’t sound open to acknowledging that there is anything you may have done that has lead to this. For you to say that they have refused to resume contact with you because you know it’s because they’ve (essentially) treated you badly, that shows to me you are completely closed off to the fact that, to them, how they feel is very real to them. And also that (possibly) you have actually potentially done something that very much justifies them taking the stance they have.

In these situations it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, especially online on an Internet forum.

My only advice would be that if I was in your partners shoes, I would be resuming contact. It’s a start/ a stepping stone and a potential olive branch. He should not be having to ‘stand by you’, this is his child/ grandchildren. And I would be trying to understand what has happened and build some bridges. In your shoes, I would be supporting that and if it meant that some contact resumed without my being there, so be it.

The reason you’re at a stalemate is over you. And sadly, your partner is caught in the stalemate.

Is there a reason you won’t actively support your partner resuming contact for the sake of the relationship with his grandchildren?

There's more to this, as the OP herself has said.

In addition make it clear to your DP that he needs to talk to his sons directly and without their wives/girlfriends/partners present about their own relationship problems.

If his sons' wives/girlfriends/partners are present he should be keeping the conversation light.

Also your DP may want to change his will so that the grandchildren get a share of their prospective father's inheritance from directly from your DP.

It is not unusual for grandparents to leave money in their wills to their grandchildren directly and by-pass their own children to do so. This keeps money in the family if the grandchildren's parents' get divorced/otherwise split up.

How the eldest son reacts to this will show you both the true reason he now wants a relationship with his father.

Thank you Sassbott for taking the time and trouble, your thoughts are brilliant, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to give you a much clearer insight as to what has happened. I do understand most of their issues and I am prepared to talk and apologise for anything that I have done to have added to them. However, they have chosen not to speak to various other members of the family over things that has been misunderstood. The jealously between the two sons, not so much from the younger one, but more from the older one towards his brother is massive and does stem back to years ago. My partner has been to stay with his eldest son for a few nights to try and resolve it, but when asked they refuse to talk to him about it. I believe that the older son may have felt resentment from a very early towards his sibling, and it is right from what other people have been saying, I am their scapegoat. Rightly or wrongly, my partner doesn't want a relationship with his eldest son if that excludes me, especially as we had a fantastic relationship for 13 years. His eldest son came out of a government run establishment, found a job, but couldn't stick to it because of his mental health, since then he hasn't had a focus, just too much time to mull over stuff. He is also very very money motivated, hence his jealously over what he considered his brother to be getting, which in reality isn't strictly true, because if you add up what we spent on his family against that of his brother and his girlfriend, I am pretty sure that he would have had more.

Has the eldest son come calling for his share of the money, OP? Were there financial problems in his marriage that a substantial chunk of cash might have helped with? Did he think he should have been prioritised at this point?

Not saying this is right, just that if the younger brother got money, elder brother/wife may have thought you blocked him getting it too.

I totally understand what you are all saying about contact, but I know for a fact that if my DP resumed contact with his eldest DS, because he has expressed the wish that I would be completely excluded from their life, it just wouldn't change a thing, but what would change for me, would be sadness to see that they still cannot change their viewpoint and as it's been nearly 5 years on, I truly don't believe they ever will. He was given the chance to see his grandson recently, but when his eldest son found out, her forbade the visit.

We gave to the eldest son and his family in other ways, paying for everything when they stayed with us, buying gifts for his family, visiting them on a regular basis and always taking them gifts for his children. Both sons will have equal share of whatever is left.

Tbh I think you have been put in a really shitty position with all this. Forced to put up with your husband spoiling his younger son, then expected to accept being blamed for it by the older one and excluded in an antagonistic way indefinitely. Unless there is a big drip feed that makes it reasonable for them to blame you for all this, I think your DP is right to support you. His sons sound as bad as each other.