Jealously of partner's two sons...

[Bradford333]

I have been with my partner for nearly 18 happy years. He has two sons and two grand-children. Eldest son is married, happy and settled with two sons. At the time, the youngest was young and immature but not surprising for a 15 year old, he was also trying to find his feet in the world. Then over time as the years rolled by the youngest started to treat his dad as his very own Bank of Dad. My partner and I argued endlessly about this as the financial situations that the youngest found himself were becoming intolerable, but his dad caved in every time because he had hoped that this would be the last time. However, my relationship with the eldest blossomed and 13 lovely years passed. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my thoughts and feelings for the youngest as I was often in despair at his attitude, i.e forgetting birthdays, Fathers Days as well as continually giving false promises and lying for most of the time, I learnt to keep my thoughts to myself even though it was extremely hard at times. Sadly, over time the eldest son did start to experience a few problems within his marriage, which we both tried to help and support. However, it all came to a head when the eldest had an argument with his dad saying that he was fed up of seeing us both spoil his younger brother etc. We then realised that he was very very jealous of the younger son, and some of what he said was true that my partner should have said no on some occasions, but on the flip side of that, we gave the eldest lots of love and support, especially when he and his family came to stay with us, as we would always do our utmost to make their stay as enjoyable and comfortable as possible. The end result of this is that my partner’s eldest son has refused to have anything to do with me ever since this happened nearly 5 years ago and my partner has been forbidden to see his grand-sons. The mum’s family have become involved and I have been told that the mum has a name for me which I won’t repeat and that her family absolutely hate me despite me having a very happy and what I considered to be a long term relationship with her eldest son for many happy years. We have both tried to reach out to the eldest son in order for this to be resolved in the hope that we can build on having the lovely relationship that we once had, but he and his wife are both adamant that I should remain in the wrong and absolutely refuse to want to discuss, deep in our hearts we know this is because whatever it is that I have said or done, it doesn’t deserve the 5 years of hated that they have towards me. All they want now is a relationship with my partner, my partner doesn’t understand or agree with this as he cannot see what their problem is, so he is supporting me. The youngest son is now older and so much more mature which is so lovely to see, however, as much as I love him to bits, I do have a slight resentment that as his relationship with his mum’s family continues to thrive, I do sometimes feel very hurt that it was some of his actions that caused most of this upset, yet I am bearing the brunt. There is a lot more to this situation as you can imagine, I have just given a brief outline to see if there is any advice or suggestions out there that could help, because at the moment it’s stalemate, with no winners in sight just losers.

Scatty, that's the saddest bit, my partner treated his eldest son's wife like a daughter, they had such a wonderful relationship, my partner just doesn't like her so much now because after 13 years she, along with my partner's son caused such mayhem with us and the family, and no-one really understands why!

Thank you aSofaNearYou, that's exactly how I've felt, if you knew all the other ins an outs you would understand more. I tried to get support from the rest of the family as that is how I've been bought up to do, but they all have different views, not wanting to get involved, why are you telling us etc etc, I've no doubt that I will be a scapegoat for the next 5 years and the next 5 years after that!

Is it possible that elder son sees your gifts to his family as just that - to them, not him? That he should have had whatever cash went to younger son, and you were buying for the grandchildren for your own pleasure?

Not criticizing here, just playing devil's advocate, based on some of the stuff posted on inheritance threads.

I tried to get support from the rest of the family as that is how I've been bought up to do, but they all have different views, not wanting to get involved, why are you telling us etc etc,
@Bradford333 this all suggests to me a family that are too heavily involved in each other's lives, where boundaries are blurred & where there's too much he said, she said from all involved - including you?
I don't mean that to be critical but often those kind of families are highly dysfunctional while appearing close knit to the outside world.
Tbh I think you all need to take a massive step back & a breather, & maybe all stop having opinions/discussing this for a bit.

we gave the eldest lots of love and support, especially when he and his family came to stay with us, as we would always do our utmost to make their stay as enjoyable and comfortable as possible.

In the head of someone who is insecure and jealous:
"We went to lots of effort to ensure Dad got to see his grandkids. Put off wife's family on occasion, and holidays for us too. All those years and so much driving, and that wife of his thinks we can be fobbed off with a few homecooked meals. There's never any shortage of money when it comes to X (brother), but when we ask for £Y0,000 to help with Z, we get a flat out NO"

OP, what happened 5 years ago? Did older DSS ask for money and was refused?
It seems to me that something significant happened to the extent DSS wife was aggressive towards your DP and their mum's family became involved.

It does sound like your DH ongoing financial support of the youngest has tipped the eldest over the edge and i can only assume he has asked and its been declined. It sounds like a single incident has occured and whilst you may be the scapegoat. You and your DH dont seem to have any idea what has triggered it which seems rather odd. So I can only assume because you thought you had a great relationship and they didnt raise issues about different treatment before your both bemused. You need to take time to reflect rather than complaining that your the scape goat.

Oh and I should add his DS is not 'jealous'. That is an easy excuse for ongoing issues, he is upset at the different treatment. He has a right to feel upset and you cant dismiss his feelings by suggesting it is jealousy.
Especially when you have said yourself your upset at your DH behaviour towards his other DS.

oops actually i can see that I should have read the OP more fully, i missed the part where the eldest told his father he was angry about his younger brother being spoiled. Sounds like you both made excuses and dismissed his feelings. That is your main issue here, neither of you listened. Is your DH still handing over cash to his youngest?

@mynameisbrian

Oh and I should add his DS is not 'jealous'. That is an easy excuse for ongoing issues, he is upset at the different treatment. He has a right to feel upset and you cant dismiss his feelings by suggesting it is jealousy. Especially when you have said yourself your upset at your DH behaviour towards his other DS.

But that just makes it all the more unreasonable for him to blame OP, rather than his dad. Scapegoating is not ok just because he has a right to he angry at SOMEONE.

aSofaNearYou i am not sure she is being scape goated as the eldest doesnt speak to either of them.

aSofaNearYou actually ignore that comment as I have just seen the eldest wants a relationship with his dad only now. I think that may be to do with OP attempts to get the family involved following the fall out rather than her being blamed for the fall out. However it is all very messy and if I was her I would step back and let them get on with it.

Scabetty

“I think this happens in many families when a sibling needs more support and the ‘successful’ ones feel penalised for not being a ‘problem’. The focus on getting the ‘problem’ independent is seen as a reward.”

This is exactly what happened in my family, with me and my sister. I love my parents, but I keep them at arm’s length. Although for many years as an adult I still craved their approval and attention, I will never, ever emotionally depend on them. I have learned that if the chips are down, my sister (“the problem”) takes priority. Although I’m not saying that what the elder brother and family are doing is right, you can’t blame the “non-problem” child for learning from experience. It certainly felt like my sister was being “rewarded” when she got financial assistance and attention for things that I didn’t (especially when she carelessly squandered them, when I tried very hard to respect and appreciate any help given to me).

A nice visit and gifts for the grandkids once the kids are already self-sufficient adults, while generous and well intentioned, isn’t the same effort and investment as years and years of financial favoritism to the other when both were younger and more vulnerable. Moving through this situation to understanding and resolution might mean acknowledging this point.

@Bradford333

We gave to the eldest son and his family in other ways, paying for everything when they stayed with us, buying gifts for his family, visiting them on a regular basis and always taking them gifts for his children. Both sons will have equal share of whatever is left.

Isn't that normal?