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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To say they can't come?

177 replies

HegeHog · 02/08/2021 17:47

Long story short my husband has agreed that his kids can come to us later this week (not one of the usual days) which is absolutely fine. Their Mum had something on.

He was originally going to take the day off work, he is self employed so it's easier for him to take days off short notice.

I am off that day but I am meeting my Dad out for the day with our DD (mine and DHs). It was arranged long before this situation ever came up. I don't see my Dad much as he lives a bit away.

DH has now said he's really busy with work actually and can they not just come with me for the day. I feel like he agreed to his ex to look good and then almost immediately decided he was too busy actually and was hoping I'd just do it after agreeing.

AIBU to say no sorry I have plans. My Dad doesn't get to spend much time with his grandchild and I wanted this day to be between DD, her grandad and me just focused on her. We've really been looking forward to it. My DSC argue a lot between themselves sometimes (close in age) and I just don't want the dynamic of a day we've been looking forward to, changing with more kids to look after.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Blendiful · 04/08/2021 10:23

You arranged the plans specifically when they weren’t there because you wanted your DC to have that time with grandad and them not to have to feel left out.

I do the same sometimes if my mum wants to see my DC I do stuff when DSC isn’t here.

If DP and ex have changed plans that’s not your problem and your day shouldn’t have to change because of that. That is their problem to sort.

Yes DSC could come and would enjoy it, but that’s not the point is it.

TwinsandTrifle · 04/08/2021 10:32

Then he needs to go back to his ex and say sorry but he has more work on them he thought.

Yes. It's not a day he would normally have his DC, so he's agreed to an additional day. Then realised he can't do it. Not your fault. Not exs fault.

The DC can't come to yours, so they need to sort it out between them. If ex can't change her plans, then she needs to get childcare as DH is no longer available. If DH still wants to help ex out, then he needs to arrange childcare as he's at work, and you're out.

You weren't consulted in this from the start, so he can forget trying to make you culpable now.

rainbowstardrops · 04/08/2021 11:11

You arranged this day with your dad and daughter when you believed the SC wouldn't be there and as the situation has now changed and your partner said he'd take the day off, that is precisely what he should do!
Not your worry. Hope you have a lovely day out.

bringincrazyback · 04/08/2021 12:34

If you read my previous comments you'd see I'm a step-parent.

I did read it. That's what I meant by 'If you're a stepparent yourself'.

funinthesun19 · 04/08/2021 20:17

relatively new to MN so didn't see this post you refer to the other day. As for the 'you do you love' - the OP was asking for opinions, of which I've given mine, no need to get nasty.

The way you worded your whole post was more than just sharing your own experience and how you run your own family. You were forcing your own values down her throat. That’s what gets on my nerves on threads like this.

Cantstandthesnoring · 05/08/2021 09:49

@funinthesun19

relatively new to MN so didn't see this post you refer to the other day. As for the 'you do you love' - the OP was asking for opinions, of which I've given mine, no need to get nasty.

OP came here to ask for opinions, if you read my previous posts you'll see i've referenced many times that i'm not expecting my views to be the same as everyone's.

I've been asked for an opinion, and i've given it. Apologies you've taken this so personally...

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 10:00

You told the op she has “3 children to think about” and that she is “favouring one child at the expense of others” but whatever. You weren’t telling the op what to do.

No point in going round in circles about this anyway.

Cantstandthesnoring · 05/08/2021 10:15

@funinthesun19

You told the op she has “3 children to think about” and that she is “favouring one child at the expense of others” but whatever. You weren’t telling the op what to do.

No point in going round in circles about this anyway.

Yes my opinion is that she is being mean not taking her two step children on a children friendly day out... but as i've mentioned many times I can also appreciate not everyone's set up is the same as mine as if i were to quote myself from a previous post 'there are so many variables to OPs post'

agreed, you're clearly out to be nasty

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 10:32

Not out to be nasty believe me. Sometimes I just challenge comments which I think are unreasonable, much like everyone else on this site does. You think the op is in the wrong and you said what you think and I don’t think you yourself was very nice.

TwinsandTrifle · 05/08/2021 11:00

Yes, the day was planned by OP at a time when SC were not supposed to be there for a reason. And give over with the "OP must not like them". Ridiculous projection on SM threads. I have 3DC. One older. Two baby twins.
I often plan things when the elder is at school because it's a different day if he's not there! The twins have a lovely time with myself, my friend and her baby. DS would have a nice time, but would quickly become bored, and he'd completely change the dynamic, with constantly needing my attention, when actually, the time is supposed to be for the three little ones to have peaceful play, and for friend and I to have a catch up, she's a single mum, and has been quite isolated throughout covid. Much like the grandfather in this scenario.

I do not therefore dislike DS because some events are planned specifically when he's not here DS gets plenty of things to do, all together and independently. As will all of these children.

This day is for a grandfather and his granddaughter who haven't had the time together they should have. Arranged at a time when the other children aren't there, (whether it be at school, or with their DM) because that's what the day is about.

No the SC shouldn't be entitled to come along because "they'd enjoy it." This isn't about them. This is about the grandfather.

CallmeHendricks · 05/08/2021 11:05

@funinthesun19: "The double standards are painful to read."

They're really not double standards. Mumsnet has millions of posters who are not one mass. These comments are written by completely different people and therefore will express opposing views.

pictish · 05/08/2021 11:10

I think you stick to the (polite) no.

This is a situation of his making and he shouldn’t simply bat the ball into your court like that. He can ask of course…but you ought to feel at liberty to say no. You planned this day and explicitly declared your unavailability at the time he agreed to take the day off. He has to accept the no with good grace.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 11:14

They're really not double standards. Mumsnet has millions of posters who are not one mass. These comments are written by completely different people and therefore will express opposing views.

That’s fair enough I get your point.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 05/08/2021 11:17

[quote CallmeHendricks]@funinthesun19: "The double standards are painful to read."

They're really not double standards. Mumsnet has millions of posters who are not one mass. These comments are written by completely different people and therefore will express opposing views.[/quote]
Of course posters will express different views. That's not what is being referred to. It's the double standard where more is expected of a step parent than an actual parent.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 11:19

Other people can explain it better than I can

candlelightsatdawn · 05/08/2021 12:28

@Skiptheheartsandflowers basically there's a difference between having different views and shaming someone.

SM on here get shamed a lot, there was a pile on where SM clearly stated she was suffering from Mental health issues and just struggling as literally EVERYONE HAS AS SOME POINT.

And people where saying I hope you never have kids. I feel sorry for your DH. Why did you get into a relationship with DH. You need to leave the relationship because you obviously can't handle life ect.

It wasn't about the OP it was about the collective anger people seem to have against SM in general and the projection some posters take. It's a support forum not a place to come take out your issues on others and project them on to a random stranger.

It's never helpful advice it's only ever shaming/aggression. And some of the regular SM on here are actually kind fed up with it to be honest. It the level of vile on this board only happens here.

Opinions aren't facts, your lived experience has coloured how you see things. Doesn't mean your view is the only valid view point out there.

The evil SM perceptions live on.

Cantstandthesnoring · 05/08/2021 13:07

@funinthesun19

There are 160 comments on this post, the resounding majority of which are 'telling OP what to do', the difference is they're telling OP not to invite the SC... which you seem to have no issue with. So it would seem it's not my 'telling OP what to do' that's got you in a bother, it's my opinion which is annoying you. One of which I'm entitled to

natis · 05/08/2021 14:01

There was a list on the relationships board recently where someone's DP refused to look after her child for a day as he had plans with his own dc.

Almost every single response was bad mouthing him for not accepting the stepchild as his own and everyone was shouting LTB and commenting along the lines of "you come as a package, if he won't look after your dc he doesn't deserve you", "he's using you and not willing to make any effort" etc etc

Interesting to read that this post is the polar opposite (FYI I agree with the responses to this post, I couldn't see why the guy was getting a hard time in the other). It does seem to be complete double standards

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 14:24

You are entitled to your opinion and I haven’t said otherwise.
I’m sorry for the you do you love comment. That was sarcastic and mean and I took that too far.
I don’t want this to descend in to a thread where I’m picking at you, all I’m saying is that I really disagree with you in particular telling the op she is favouring her child at the expense of her stepchildren. I still don’t understand why you think that considering the context of the thread.
I think the other thread I mentioned clouded that comment a bit for me. Sorry to have taken it out on you. I can disagree without being a cow

CallmeHendricks · 05/08/2021 14:36

@natis, it would only be a double standard if it were the exact same posters giving different advice from that given by them for this thread's scenario.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 14:42

A pp explained why it is a double standard. It doesn’t always have to be the exact same poster, but the attitude in general towards stepparents vs parents. The bar is set far lower for fathers than the stepmum and I firmly believe that.

CallmeHendricks · 05/08/2021 15:13

Well, not for me. I view fathers in the same way as mothers on this stuff.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 15:33

I view mothers and fathers the same too. In this case though I’m on about dads and stepmums which is different as a dad should pull his finger out more for his children than a stepmum should iyswim.

Dads seem get away with so much more, when usually they’re the cause of the problems that arise in the first place. It’s annoying.

CallmeHendricks · 05/08/2021 15:59

Oh yes, I agree with you there. It's the sort of time when blokes (usually) say, "but it's much easier for you to cover it," when what they actually mean is it's easier for them.

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 17:45

Yeah it’s very frustrating. All a dad needs to do is agree to have his children and then he’s the good guy even if it’s not actually him looking after them because it doesn’t suit him and there will always be someone else to do it for him.

Imagine if a stepmum agreed to have them and then decided to go out at the last minute because it doesn’t suit her Can’t see that scenario going down very well.

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