To say they can't come?

[HegeHog]

Long story short my husband has agreed that his kids can come to us later this week (not one of the usual days) which is absolutely fine. Their Mum had something on.

He was originally going to take the day off work, he is self employed so it's easier for him to take days off short notice.

I am off that day but I am meeting my Dad out for the day with our DD (mine and DHs). It was arranged long before this situation ever came up. I don't see my Dad much as he lives a bit away.

DH has now said he's really busy with work actually and can they not just come with me for the day. I feel like he agreed to his ex to look good and then almost immediately decided he was too busy actually and was hoping I'd just do it after agreeing.

AIBU to say no sorry I have plans. My Dad doesn't get to spend much time with his grandchild and I wanted this day to be between DD, her grandad and me just focused on her. We've really been looking forward to it. My DSC argue a lot between themselves sometimes (close in age) and I just don't want the dynamic of a day we've been looking forward to, changing with more kids to look after.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand.

Say no.

Either, DH takes the day off; or he rings his ex and says sorry, we can;t have the kids after all. . Simples.

@Cantstandthesnoring

Every family dynamic is different, and there are so many variables in this.

We have spent christmas at my parents with my SC, days out and we go to almost all events and days out as a full family, I receive mother's day cards (step-mum specific) on mother's day from my SC and step up into the role of 'parent' whenever necessary. Not every family is the same so really no judgement here, OP asked for opinions and I've given mine.

I'm by no means saying DH is 'in the right', I just think if the situation is that he said 'yes' before checking his workload, yes I'd be annoyed at his lack of organisation but not enough to let it become a family feud, especially if it was a one-off.

Based on the OP, it sounds like he's just asked her the question of 'could she take them', it certainly doesn't sound like he's demanding it. I could be wrong. I'd ask my DH the same if I'd been unorganised or something came up at the last minute.

I do agree with you that every family is different, very true. My SCs barely know my parents due to distance so it would very definitely be a different day out if I was to meet up with my parents along with my SCs. It wouldn't be bad, but it wouldn't be the day I had hoped for, especially if I hadn't seen my parents in a while. But obviously others are much closer, as in your own example.

I do completely agree it shouldn't be a family feud, however I'd still say that it's not on OP to be the one to either give in or cause a family feud. Her DH has messed up, probably accidentally, but as you've said, he has no right to demand or expect OP to pick up the pieces. And hopefully he hasn't.

I’d stick to your plans if I was you.

@Bibidy exactly that! If my DH asked me the same question in the same scenario my response would be 'sure! It'll be a lovely day and in a few weeks you can take them all out for the day and leave me to work peacefully at home '. I can completely appreciate not everyone would feel the same.

this is an exceptional circumstance where he really is asking his partner (OP) for support and help.

The facts as they were related on the thread (RTFT) were that he agreed with his ex that he would have his DC, without checking with OP. When OP reminded him that she would not be able to help on this occasion, he decided to take a day off.

He is self employed

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to take time off for his DC. But OP's availability has not changed. This is hardly the kind of emergency where everyone should rally round in the interests of the children.

If OP bails him out this time, she will be on the road to being the default parent and he will have no incentive to be better organised in future. Nope

Just no.

@FinallyHere

this is an exceptional circumstance where he really is asking his partner (OP) for support and help.

The facts as they were related on the thread (RTFT) were that he agreed with his ex that he would have his DC, without checking with OP. When OP reminded him that she would not be able to help on this occasion, he decided to take a day off.

He is self employed

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to take time off for his DC. But OP's availability has not changed. This is hardly the kind of emergency where everyone should rally round in the interests of the children.

If OP bails him out this time, she will be on the road to being the default parent and he will have no incentive to be better organised in future. Nope

Just no.

"If OP bails him out this time, she will be on the road to being the default parent and he will have no incentive to be better organised in future. Nope"

You're talking about your DH like he's a child and needs punishing and to be 'taught a lesson' when he messes up. As said in all my previous comments, if this was a one-off I wouldn't be purposely trying to make my DH life difficult, I'd just help as best I could, without trying to mother him and teach him lessons so he is incentivised to be organised, ha!

Indeed, the DH should look after his DC as he said he would, or resolve with his EXDW. It doesn't need to be turned into a DSM doesn't want to do x, y or z for the DSC.

The DSM has taken a day off from her work to spend with her Dad and DD. I certainly wouldn't be pleased if I had been asked to change the whole dynamic of my plans because my DH thought inconveniencing me was better than inconveniencing himself!

I wouldn't be purposely trying to make my DH life difficult

The problem though @Cantstandthesnoring is that for some people, any step parent prioritising their own plans equates to 'deliberately trying to make the actual parent's life difficult'. I don't think OP is doing this, and I'm not saying you are accusing her of doing this. But it's the assumption in the background. And it is an unfair double standard imposed on step parents IMO.

Has your DH now confirmed he’ll take the day off? I love my SDCs, but I’d also be declining taking them. I really don’t think my OH would have asked me in the first place though.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I wouldn't be purposely trying to make my DH life difficult

The problem though @Cantstandthesnoring is that for some people, any step parent prioritising their own plans equates to 'deliberately trying to make the actual parent's life difficult'. I don't think OP is doing this, and I'm not saying you are accusing her of doing this. But it's the assumption in the background. And it is an unfair double standard imposed on step parents IMO.

absolutely wasn't referring to OP purposely making life difficult for her DH, OP has asked for advice so is clearly thinking through the pros and cons.

@FinallyHere comment about giving your DH an incentive not to do it again was the bit about making your DH life purposely difficult.

Personally, I wouldn't base my decision on purposely punishing DH to make a point. I'd only say no if it really didn't work for me.

@Cantstandthesnoring It isn't about punishment, it's just about setting a precedent, and is coming from the POV of the unfortunately common experience of step parents being left with far more childcare than they want to provide. It is common for parents to think if you have agreed to it a couple of times that it is fine to count you in in future by default.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@Cantstandthesnoring It isn't about punishment, it's just about setting a precedent, and is coming from the POV of the unfortunately common experience of step parents being left with far more childcare than they want to provide. It is common for parents to think if you have agreed to it a couple of times that it is fine to count you in in future by default.[/quote]
OP has never mentioned she does more childcare for the SC than she wishes to.

As far as I can read her DH has simply asked if her SC can join her day out with their sibling and her father, no change of plans as far as I can see, but appreciate the change in dynamic.

I wouldn't be scared of precedents being set with my DH, so I wouldn't say no on the basis I had a point to prove. If OP is worried that her DH isn't respecting boundaries and is asking for too much from her, that's a different post entirely!

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

They are your DD's siblings

No they aren’t.

I’m always taken aback by the posters on here who fall over themselves trying to insist that there is literally no difference between children and step children, siblings and step siblings. And that the second you get together with someone who has kids, they are your children and to be treated as exact equals with any children you may bear. It shows a staggering lack of understanding of the many complexities of step families and expecting everyone to fam in line with completely unrealistic expectations is a road to disaster.

Treat step children and children fairly, yes, but exactly the same at all times? No.

Why shouldn’t the OP’s child get time alone with her grandfather? Does she go along every time her step siblings see their mother’s parents? Of course not.

They are siblings. Not step siblings.

Granted that makes no difference to OP, but people aren't incorrect in saying it.

Goodness, I really wasn't thinking about OP 'parenting' her partner

More to ensure that she, unlike so many others we heard from on MN, not allowing herself become the default parent by always picking up the slack, so that others just expect her to do this, breeding resentment.

No-one is suggesting that step parents should not help out in an emergency. It's about recognising where you are on the continuum from a genuine emergency to not bothering to check& assume someone else will sort everything out.

@FinallyHere

Goodness, I really wasn't thinking about OP 'parenting' her partner

More to ensure that she, unlike so many others we heard from on MN, not allowing herself become the default parent by always picking up the slack, so that others just expect her to do this, breeding resentment.

No-one is suggesting that step parents should not help out in an emergency. It's about recognising where you are on the continuum from a genuine emergency to not bothering to check& assume someone else will sort everything out.

OP has given us no background info on where she is on this 'continuum'. Based on her post it sounds like a one-off, everything else is an assumption. So I wouldn't 'parent' my husband if he needed help in an emergency, i'd roll my sleeves up and help out over being concerned with setting precedents when one-offs happen.

When you married DH you knew he had two kids

reaches for stepparent-bashing bingo card and marker pen

If you're a stepparent yourself you should be able to view this from both sides. Your reply neatly sidesteps the fact that these kids' own father can't be arsed taking the day off to spend time with them and absolves him of any blame in this. Somehow the OP alone is the villain of the piece? Nope, sorry.

*OP has never mentioned she does more childcare for the SC than she wishes to.

As far as I can read her DH has simply asked if her SC can join her day out with their sibling and her father, no change of plans as far as I can see, but appreciate the change in dynamic.

I wouldn't be scared of precedents being set with my DH, so I wouldn't say no on the basis I had a point to prove. If OP is worried that her DH isn't respecting boundaries and is asking for too much from her, that's a different post entirely!*

OP hasn't mentioned it, but people are advising the best course of action based on THEIR experience. But in fairness, OP has said both that her husband seems to not understand why she might not want to take them, and that she's not sure she believes he didn't know how much work he had on (presumably based on her informed judgement of his character and past behavioir). Both are solid suggestions he might be inclined to behave the way posters are suggesting.

@bringincrazyback

When you married DH you knew he had two kids

reaches for stepparent-bashing bingo card and marker pen

If you're a stepparent yourself you should be able to view this from both sides. Your reply neatly sidesteps the fact that these kids' own father can't be arsed taking the day off to spend time with them and absolves him of any blame in this. Somehow the OP alone is the villain of the piece? Nope, sorry.

If you read my previous comments you'd see I'm a step-parent.

I'm really shocked by the resounding consensus here, and maybe it's just me! When you married DH you knew he had two kids, and that you were building a blended family together, which means you now have a family with three kids. If all three were biologically yours would you be favouritising one child at the expense of the others?

If all three were biologically hers she would be taking them all to see their grandad!

Who is op favouring and at the expense of who?
She’s just spending time with her children and her father on a day when the step kids wouldn’t be there. It’s not her fault or her problem that they now are.

Are stepmums not allowed to make plans with their own children unless they factor their stepchildren in too?

When I married my DH we were building a family and a partnership, I'd do anything for my SCs the same I would for my own. DH would help me out when work is busy and vice versa.
That’s you. If you’re happy with that then you crack on love. Doesn’t mean everyone else has to do the same.

They'll enjoy the day out with you and their sibling, it feels like you're trying to make his life difficult for the sake of it. I completely agree it's frustrating that he's made plans without checking in with you first but you do have three children to think about, not one.

She has one child to think about on the days that there would normally be one. If those usual arrangements change because of other people, then it’s their mess to sort and the op doesn’t suddenly have 3 children to think about.

There was a thread a few days ago about a father wanting to take just two of his biological children to see their mutual grandparent. There were cries about about how the younger half sibling should be left behind so that the older children can have time without them with their shared grandparent.

Now on this thread there are cries that the stepchildren shouldn’t be left out when the stepmum takes her own children to see their own grandparent (not a shared grandparent).

The double standards are painful to read.

relatively new to MN so didn't see this post you refer to the other day. As for the 'you do you love' - the OP was asking for opinions, of which I've given mine, no need to get nasty.

Stick to your original plans. His work isn't life or death. He's not on the frontline and he can find a pleasant activity to do with his kids. If he sits home and they're bored, that's his fault, not yours. No need to feel guilty at all.

Also when op married her dh she knew his dc already had 2 parents....
He shouldn't have agreed to have his dc extra time if HE couldn't actually have them.
Inconvenience the op to save the day of the 2 parents who can't manage their own dc..?
Def not unreasonable to say no op...
Even if they had been your own dc and dh had agreed to have them you have made plans for yourself /dd /df - as is allowed!! .. His problem to solve.

Instead of op's df being' landed 'with them what about the dc's own dgps? Any around?

I don't think OP is unreasonable for saying she doesn't want to change her plans/take the SC, but I also don't think her DH was unreasonable asking if she could help - assuming he was asking, not demanding, and it's not a regular expectation

@blahblahblah321

I don't think OP is unreasonable for saying she doesn't want to change her plans/take the SC, but I also don't think her DH was unreasonable asking if she could help - assuming he was asking, not demanding, and it's not a regular expectation

Yes that's what isn't clear to me. How did he react when OP said no.