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Couchbettato · 02/08/2021 23:34

Yanbu. What a cheeky sod.

He needs to take the day off.

Starseeking · 02/08/2021 23:40

@Justmuddlingalong

He made plans and has changed them. That doesn't mean that your plans have to change to accommodate him.

This, with bells on.

Sh05 · 02/08/2021 23:40

As he's self employed he'll just have to work longer on the days leading up to their arrival to clear those days up. He can't dump them back on his ex as she also has plans which probably depended on him being able to take them on those days.
He created the problem, he needs to find a solution.

EKGEMS · 03/08/2021 00:33

Tough shit.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 03/08/2021 00:38

@Sh05

As he's self employed he'll just have to work longer on the days leading up to their arrival to clear those days up. He can't dump them back on his ex as she also has plans which probably depended on him being able to take them on those days. He created the problem, he needs to find a solution.

This!

Loads of mums end up juggling kids with work because they had more on than they thought. He can share that experience for a day.

Kanaloa · 03/08/2021 00:51

I find some people (usually men) have a fantastic way of generously offering favours then shunting the favour onto someone else (usually a woman) to do. They get the credit, someone else gets the work.

He needs to take the day off and do what he promised, otherwise explain that he actually can’t offer a change in childcare as he took on extra work instead.

Maggiesfarm · 03/08/2021 00:54

Stick to the original plan, Hedghog.

Cantstandthesnoring · 03/08/2021 01:01

@HegeHog

Long story short my husband has agreed that his kids can come to us later this week (not one of the usual days) which is absolutely fine. Their Mum had something on.

He was originally going to take the day off work, he is self employed so it's easier for him to take days off short notice.

I am off that day but I am meeting my Dad out for the day with our DD (mine and DHs). It was arranged long before this situation ever came up. I don't see my Dad much as he lives a bit away.

DH has now said he's really busy with work actually and can they not just come with me for the day. I feel like he agreed to his ex to look good and then almost immediately decided he was too busy actually and was hoping I'd just do it after agreeing.

AIBU to say no sorry I have plans. My Dad doesn't get to spend much time with his grandchild and I wanted this day to be between DD, her grandad and me just focused on her. We've really been looking forward to it. My DSC argue a lot between themselves sometimes (close in age) and I just don't want the dynamic of a day we've been looking forward to, changing with more kids to look after.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand.

Step-Parent here myself so no judgement, and I know it can be tricky but is this really the best outcome for the other two children in your family? Especially if they'd enjoy the day out.

They are your DD's siblings, and I'm sure your dad appreciates they're part of your family too.

Admittedly it's very annoying when DH shirks responsibilities!

1mumm · 03/08/2021 01:06

Your husband screwed up and your Dad prefers that you visit with just your daughter.

Keep your plans; your older kids will be fine with DH and he will learn to avoid taking you for granted in the future.

Original poster

HegeHog · 03/08/2021 04:36

but is this really the best outcome for the other two children in your family?

They would like a day with Dad too I'm sure. There's no rule to say they have to stay home doing nothing.

My dad doesn't really know them that well and I'm sure he'd prefer it to be just DD and me considering its been so long.

OP posts:

Original poster

HegeHog · 03/08/2021 04:38

Tbh my main concern, considering their Dad can stay off and look after them, isn't about whether it's the best day for DSC. My main concern is about DD having the best day she can which is spending time with her grandad where she's the focus for the day. Its not her fault her dad and his ex have changed plans now.

OP posts:

Sunbird24 · 03/08/2021 05:03

No, if their dad said he would have them and has now decided he can’t, he needs to make other arrangements for childcare. You’re spending time with your dad and your daughter, and no matter how much you like or love your stepkids it completely changes the dynamic if they come too. Would be different if you got to spend time with him every week but this is a rare treat and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice it just because someone else didn’t think things through properly.

Mothership4two · 03/08/2021 05:34

@Vanilla1Cookies

Then he needs to go back to his ex and say sorry but he has more work on them he thought.

It’s not your issue. He’s trying to make you feel bad

^^ 100% THIS. He's caused this problem, so it's on him to sort it out (& not you!). Wonder if he agreed knowing you had that day off, but didn't bother to check with you or thought he could sway you?

readingismycardio · 03/08/2021 05:45

@HegeHog

Tbh my main concern, considering their Dad can stay off and look after them, isn't about whether it's the best day for DSC. My main concern is about DD having the best day she can which is spending time with her grandad where she's the focus for the day. Its not her fault her dad and his ex have changed plans now.

100% this! Well done, OP! Say no and stick to it

Guineapigbridge · 03/08/2021 05:48

He can make up some lost work time at the weekend if he needs to.

KihoBebiluPute · 03/08/2021 05:57

Yanbu.

There was no problem with them coming when he said he would be taking the day off. The fact that you previously agreed to that scenario does nor oblige you to also agree to change your plans if he decides he can't actually follow through.

You are not available for childcare as your plans are incompatible with having the DSC with you.

To your DH of course the DSC should never be short-changed, they are his kids just as much as your own DD is and he should have no favouritism. To you though, whilst I am sure that you love and care for your DSC there is no obligation to consider them as equally entitled to your time etc as your own child. They already have a mum. So it is totally fine to have days that are just for DD and you and your own dad and it is not fine for DH to expect you to drop that.

He is being blinkered because of course in his view, if he had plans for a dad&DD day out together and suddenly he would be having his other kids too, then he wouldn't hesitate to take them all along. But that's because they are all his kids so of course it is different for him.

youshallnotpass9 · 03/08/2021 05:58

*Step-Parent here myself so no judgement, and I know it can be tricky but is this really the best outcome for the other two children in your family? Especially if they'd enjoy the day out.

They are your DD's siblings, and I'm sure your dad appreciates they're part of your family too.

Admittedly it's very annoying when DH shirks responsibilities!*

It all depends on the dynamics of the family surely? My DSS is a much loved part of our family, but he doesn't know my family, he has his own family, he doesn't live with us, at the moment he comes clears out his mum's fridge, clears out ours and then buggers off to his friends house to clear out their fridge

Mummywantsaweewee · 03/08/2021 05:59

Not your children, not your problem OP. You’ve already made plans. He can hire a babysitter if needs be. Being a step parent doesn’t mean being a doormat (not that I think you are!) No is a complete sentence!

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 06:44

If it’s possible to rearrange seeing your dad to the day before or after then I’d do that as a compromise. But if not then YANBU.
Does you partner have a job that it’s hard to get time off for?

clickychicky · 03/08/2021 07:02

Ha, everyone has too much on at work. We can't just dump our kids on someone else when they are busy.

You've arranged a special day for your daughter to make lovely memories with her grandad. How dare he try and ruin that. If you weren't his partner he wouldn't be suggesting you change your plans he would find someone else. He's taking the piss.

clickychicky · 03/08/2021 07:03

Has he even asked his ex, the other parent, if they can do it. I bet she'd laugh in his face if he used work as an excuse.

FinallyHere · 03/08/2021 07:08

At what point did he involve you in these arrangements? Was it before or after he agreed with his ex that he would take them off her hands? While it might seem trivial, to me this is the really important part.

Did he check in with you before committing, saying I'll take a day off but if anything comes up will you be able to take the load? If so, and you agreed, then fair enough, I'd expect you to keep to that agreement.

The way I read it, though, he agreed with ex and only later wants you to change your plans in order to facilitate his day. Really not a good idea: he needs to feel the inconvenience of not having an automatic back up plan.

Simples.

Youseethethingis · 03/08/2021 07:41

This is absolutely something to hold the line on. If you start bailing him out, he will start thinking that's your job, and that your own plans don't matter that much.
You are quite right, the "best outcome" you are most concerned with is the outcome for your DD but also you and your Dad. On this occasion the best outcome for the DSC is for their dad to stick to his word and take the day off work.

Original poster

HegeHog · 03/08/2021 07:55

@FinallyHere

At what point did he involve you in these arrangements? Was it before or after he agreed with his ex that he would take them off her hands? While it might seem trivial, to me this is the really important part.

Did he check in with you before committing, saying I'll take a day off but if anything comes up will you be able to take the load? If so, and you agreed, then fair enough, I'd expect you to keep to that agreement.

The way I read it, though, he agreed with ex and only later wants you to change your plans in order to facilitate his day. Really not a good idea: he needs to feel the inconvenience of not having an automatic back up plan.

Simples.

He told me ex had asked, I said I'm not around that day remember and he said yeah no worries he'd take the day off.

Then the next day said actually he had a lot on and could they not just come with me.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 07:58

No, you need to start as you mean to go on. He said he would have them, so he has them.
If you give in it will happen again.