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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

To say they can't come?

177 replies

HegeHog · 02/08/2021 17:47

Long story short my husband has agreed that his kids can come to us later this week (not one of the usual days) which is absolutely fine. Their Mum had something on.

He was originally going to take the day off work, he is self employed so it's easier for him to take days off short notice.

I am off that day but I am meeting my Dad out for the day with our DD (mine and DHs). It was arranged long before this situation ever came up. I don't see my Dad much as he lives a bit away.

DH has now said he's really busy with work actually and can they not just come with me for the day. I feel like he agreed to his ex to look good and then almost immediately decided he was too busy actually and was hoping I'd just do it after agreeing.

AIBU to say no sorry I have plans. My Dad doesn't get to spend much time with his grandchild and I wanted this day to be between DD, her grandad and me just focused on her. We've really been looking forward to it. My DSC argue a lot between themselves sometimes (close in age) and I just don't want the dynamic of a day we've been looking forward to, changing with more kids to look after.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand.

OP posts:

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clickychicky · 03/08/2021 07:59

HegeHog that's all fine and then you say no. How did he respond to you saying no? Is he still pressuring you? Did he phone his ex and say actually I can't take them as I'm busy at work?

VodselForDinner · 03/08/2021 08:01

If it’s possible to rearrange seeing your dad to the day before or after then I’d do that as a compromise

So not only should the OP be expected to drop everything and change her plans, her daughter and father will also have to do so, simply because her husband can’t/won’t sort out taking the day off of work, as promised? That’s insane.

And the outcome would be that the husband can polish his halo as he works away for the day thinking he’s Super Dad while he just delegates out responsibility and OP is the one picking up all the flack.

Stay firm, OP.

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 08:01

This is all on him. You even reminded him when he told you about the change.

Now suddenly he has too much work on? Tough… he knew and was reminded that you wouldn’t be around that day.

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 08:04

@toocold54

If it’s possible to rearrange seeing your dad to the day before or after then I’d do that as a compromise. But if not then YANBU. Does you partner have a job that it’s hard to get time off for?

I can’t even believe I just read that. Why on earth should she even think of rearranging her day because her OH now doesn’t want to take the day off!

It doesn’t matter if it’s hard for him
To get the time off or not. He agreed to taking the time off knowing the OP wasn’t free that day.

Original poster

HegeHog · 03/08/2021 08:09

Yeah I'm definitely not going to ask my Dad to rearrange.

The only thing that is making me feel bad is knowing he isn't really a big day out planner type so the likely scenario is they are going to be sat watching me and DD get ready to go out for the day whilst they stay at home.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 08:10

Not your problem.

Timeforredwine · 03/08/2021 08:13

No your dad your daughter your day out. A firm no and dont feel bad.

clickychicky · 03/08/2021 08:38

Not your problem. Don't feel bad. It is a normal part of step familys. It's best to just be open that sometimes you will be doing something with your family, just as they do things with their mum's familys. It's not your fault their dad can't be bothered to plan anything. That's how he has decided to raise his kids and its not for you to try and change that.

vivainsomnia · 03/08/2021 08:44

If it just a case of being very busy, as opposed to a last minute client, who turning down would hurt the business, then he needs to get on with things. He can take them out in the morning, and then have them chill out in the afternoon for a few hours and he can do his work around it.

The issue is that he won't understand that for you, being able to be with your dad and DD makes the day special and taking your kids means more work, less individual time with your dad and less special attention for your DD, so you need to explain this to him. Then encourage him to take this opportunity to do something special with his kids, that's it's the perfect opportunity, and that it will mean so much for them. It doesn't have to be the whole day.

Tigertealeaves · 03/08/2021 08:53

He is a CF. Taking 3 kids out is not the same as 1 kid. You would barely get to speak to your dad.

My DP tried to invite himself and his 2 much older kids to my last meet up with my parents, who I rarely see, and who have missed out on most of infant DD's life to date. I said no too. Not in a nasty way but the three of them have a way of dominating proceedings, and sometimes you just want to connect with your family and give them your time. As a PP said, DSC get time with their mum's family which is all about them and DD is not invited. Not unreasonable OP.

BeaBeaBuzz · 03/08/2021 08:58

How old are the DSCs? Can the entertain themselves while he works?

I wouldn’t budge on this if I were you

Mummywantsaweewee · 03/08/2021 09:15

Sorry but so what if they see you and dd getting ready to go out? You’re not their mum, and they are there to see their Dad, that is the purpose of contact. You’re NOT a babysitter for either your dp or his ex. As pp have said, they spend time with their mum and her family. This is no different. Not only that but chances are they wouldn’t want to spend time with someone else’s family they barely know!

Vanilla1Cookies · 03/08/2021 09:18

@HegeHog

Yeah I'm definitely not going to ask my Dad to rearrange.

But that’s not your fault. He can step Up and google and book a day out/swimming/farm trip/go out for tea.

If they say anything just say you can do something with your dad.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/08/2021 09:23

Have you told him no?

AnneElliott · 03/08/2021 09:37

I agree that you shouldn't take them op. Can he still work with them around? If so he should do that like most of us mothers do!

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 09:55

I can’t even believe I just read that. Why on earth should she even think of rearranging her day because her OH now doesn’t want to take the day off!

@Vanilla1Cookies because as a single parent I know how difficult it is. I don’t know what his job is, he might have been called in to do life changing surgery or something that is not easy to have a day off from but that means the mum now has no one to look after the children.
If it’s just as easy for OP to see her dad the day after then that would be a better option than telling the mum they can’t have the DCs or having to take them with her.

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 09:58

They've also been away to hotels twice in the the three months. I just can't see where the money's coming from.

I know DS has/had some savings after a year of going practically nowhere and it's good to see him enjoying life at last, but there's an uneasiness I can't shake.

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 09:58

Sorry, wrong thread!

Intherightplace · 03/08/2021 10:00

I don't think it's unreasonable to consider the day could be moved if, for example OP is SAHM and grandad is retired and it happens that neither has plans for another close date, but there absolutely shouldn't be any pressure to do so

Ozanj · 03/08/2021 10:00

@HegeHog

Yeah I'm definitely not going to ask my Dad to rearrange.

How old are the dsc?

Ozanj · 03/08/2021 10:03

@Intherightplace

Yes I agree. It seems it’s not a theme park / zoo etc because OP could just take the dsc along. There’s nothing stopping OP doing something similar with just DD and her dad later.

I do think when you are married and have stepkids and are benefiting from your DH not having 50/50 access to his own kids; you probably should try to treat them fairly when you do have them.

Starseeking · 03/08/2021 10:11

@toocold54

I can’t even believe I just read that. Why on earth should she even think of rearranging her day because her OH now doesn’t want to take the day off!

@Vanilla1Cookies because as a single parent I know how difficult it is. I don’t know what his job is, he might have been called in to do life changing surgery or something that is not easy to have a day off from but that means the mum now has no one to look after the children.
If it’s just as easy for OP to see her dad the day after then that would be a better option than telling the mum they can’t have the DCs or having to take them with her.

If the Dad goes back to his ex now to say actually he can't look after his DC, that will reflect poorly on him and his planning, not the OP.

It's nothing to do with the OP if the Dad now cancels, while OP was fine with them coming, she never agreed to look after them in the event Dad flaked out!

toocold54 · 03/08/2021 10:12

I don't think it's unreasonable to consider the day could be moved if, for example OP is SAHM and grandad is retired and it happens that neither has plans for another close date, but there absolutely shouldn't be any pressure to do so

I agree.
Not for DHs sake but for SC and their mum’s sake. But if it’s difficult for any reason then OP definitely shouldn’t put herself out.

Original poster

HegeHog · 03/08/2021 10:14

It seems it’s not a theme park / zoo etc because OP could just take the dsc along

It is that sort of thing, but no I can't just take the DSC along. That's the whole point. I don't want to do that because it changes the dynamic of the day for my Dad and my daughter on a day that's supposed to be for her.

My Dad is retired but I work and have taken the day off to do this so not as simple as just changing the day.

DH isn't doing life saving surgery. He's self employed so can choose his own holidays. No last minute client, he just has more work on than he thought he did.. apparently.

OP posts:

Original poster

HegeHog · 03/08/2021 10:16

you probably should try to treat them fairly when you do have them

Which is exactly why I arranged this for when we didn't have them. That's now changed through no fault of mine, my dad's or my daughter's.

OP posts:

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