To say they can't come?

[HegeHog]

Long story short my husband has agreed that his kids can come to us later this week (not one of the usual days) which is absolutely fine. Their Mum had something on.

He was originally going to take the day off work, he is self employed so it's easier for him to take days off short notice.

I am off that day but I am meeting my Dad out for the day with our DD (mine and DHs). It was arranged long before this situation ever came up. I don't see my Dad much as he lives a bit away.

DH has now said he's really busy with work actually and can they not just come with me for the day. I feel like he agreed to his ex to look good and then almost immediately decided he was too busy actually and was hoping I'd just do it after agreeing.

AIBU to say no sorry I have plans. My Dad doesn't get to spend much time with his grandchild and I wanted this day to be between DD, her grandad and me just focused on her. We've really been looking forward to it. My DSC argue a lot between themselves sometimes (close in age) and I just don't want the dynamic of a day we've been looking forward to, changing with more kids to look after.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand.

@Cantstandthesnoring ahh hold on. Your attributing OP saying she doesn't want to take SC to her fathers as she had predefined plans ( a situation which her partner created) as her treating the SC as a inconvenience. That's a big moral jump.

It's actually DH treating the his kids as a inconvenience to be parcelled off on OP as he originally was going to take the day off.

Some people are happy being a doormat, some people aren't. For a thread on here to have the majority of people say no I wouldn't be happy with that is somewhat a miracle. Being a SM is a fine line as the kids do have two parents and those two are legally and otherwise in charge of the kids. You cannot have it both ways.

The majority on here are saying actually saying this is a DH issue. Not a SC issue. Shall we not go down the whole shaming SM for having predefined plans that don't have to be cancelled because one of the parents are opting out.

When you married DH you knew he had two kids

How about "when DH married OP, he knew he had more kids than her"

Or

"DH knew he had work when he agreed to look after his own children"

Knowing your spouse has children is not the same thing as agreeing that you will be the place any parental duties that are inconvenient to the actual parents can be offloaded to whenever, because whether it suits you or not doesn't actually matter to anyone.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@Cantstandthesnoring ahh hold on. Your attributing OP saying she doesn't want to take SC to her fathers as she had predefined plans ( a situation which her partner created) as her treating the SC as a inconvenience. That's a big moral jump.

It's actually DH treating the his kids as a inconvenience to be parcelled off on OP as he originally was going to take the day off.

Some people are happy being a doormat, some people aren't. For a thread on here to have the majority of people say no I wouldn't be happy with that is somewhat a miracle. Being a SM is a fine line as the kids do have two parents and those two are legally and otherwise in charge of the kids. You cannot have it both ways.

The majority on here are saying actually saying this is a DH issue. Not a SC issue. Shall we not go down the whole shaming SM for having predefined plans that don't have to be cancelled because one of the parents are opting out. [/quote]
Completely get your point, and no shaming here at all.

I'm a very laid back person, if my DH was busy with work i'd do anything to make his and the children's lives easier and happier, and he the same for me, as mentioned previously it's a partnership.

Admittedly I have a busy, stressful job so he is often picking up the slack for me so if this were an infrequent occurrence I would do what was necessary for a happy me (It wouldn't make me any less happy to have my DSC there), happy life, happy children, happy husband and even happy DSC mum! If he was consistently shirking his responsibilities i'd probably feel the same.

If all three were biologically yours would you be favouritising one child at the expense of the others? she might do if they had different grandparents. And it's not at the expense of the others, they aren't being penalised. They just have to spend the day with shock horror their parent.

When you married DH you knew he had two kids, and that you were building a blended family together

When DH split up with his ex he knew he would have to parent his own kids on his own at times.

@clickychicky

When you married DH you knew he had two kids, and that you were building a blended family together

When DH split up with his ex he knew he would have to parent his own kids on his own at times.

Ah, nobody had mentioned he never looks after the children on his own.

I assumed this was a one off, we've all needed help with childcare in the past and of all people I would hope my other half would be there to pick up the pieces and make minor a judgments to their day on the infrequent times I needed it.

Ah, nobody had mentioned he never looks after the children on his own. I never said he did.

@clickychicky

When you married DH you knew he had two kids, and that you were building a blended family together

When DH split up with his ex he knew he would have to parent his own kids on his own at times.

Then I'm sure he does, in which case I don't get your point?

I would hope my other half would be there to pick up the pieces and make minor a judgments to their day on the infrequent times I needed it.

Yes and on that basis, the children's father can adjust his work around his kids for a day, as he had already said he would do. OP is busy and needs him to fulfill his own parental obligations.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I would hope my other half would be there to pick up the pieces and make minor a judgments to their day on the infrequent times I needed it.

Yes and on that basis, the children's father can adjust his work around his kids for a day, as he had already said he would do. OP is busy and needs him to fulfill his own parental obligations.

You're not really getting my point.

OP CAN have the children for the day but doesn't want to as it will change her plans (which I completely sympathise with). DH CAN have the children but will have to miss working for a day. Both CAN have the children, I'd have an adult conversation with my DH and work out what worked best for EVERYONE involved, for the whole family.

As mentioned previously I'm saying the above on the basis that DH is generally a good and present father to all three of his children and this is an exceptional circumstance where he really is asking his partner (OP) for support and help.

@Cantstandthesnoring

Don’t agree to take the day off if you can’t fulfil it. He’s their parent. He agreed to it knowing the OP was busy.

I'd give up @Cantstandthesnoring

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

he might have been called in to do life changing surgery or something that is not easy to have a day off from

OP had said at the outset he was self employed so this clearly wasn't the case. Also that he was usually able to be flexible more easily than her.

The 'is this the best possible outcome?' question for the stepchildren has become a red herring. It should be 'is this a good enough outcome?' Which it is. They'll have a day with their dad, they'll be fine. It may not be the most memorable day of their lives, but that's ok. Plenty of kids are in this position over the summer hols as parents juggle work.

What's disappointing is again the double standard where a 'good enough' day is fine when it's either of the actual parents in charge, but if the step parent enters the equation it's then got to be the 'best possible' outcome, even if at her own expense and the expense of other family members, i.e. her daughter and her dad. Why is step mum expected to go further and do more than their actual parents?

^

This.

@Cantstandthesnoring

There is nothing exceptional about the situation. He should manage his work load better if he’s agreed to take a day off to look after his kids and if he can’t take his kids then he needs to go back to their mother and inform her that he can’t actually have them and that he’s sorry.

Why does the buck lay with the OP when she didn’t agree to this and made it clear to her OH she wasn’t about on that day.

Cantstandthesnoring I would not necessarily disagree with you under normal circumstances, if work had made things difficult for him on a day he was scheduled to have his kids. Obviously couples want to help each other out.

But in this case, OP's DH has specifically agreed to have his children extra, on a day he wouldn't normally have them. Yet it seems that actually he is equally as unable to have them as their mother, so he should not have agreed to this and she probably would have asked someone else. Instead of this, he has taken the problem away from his ex but put it on his wife's plate instead.

OP has made these plans on this day specifically because her SCs are not around as she wanted to have a special day with DD and her dad without making her SCs feel left out.She considered their feelings in planning this day sensitively so that everyone would be happy. Now her DH has put her in an awkward position where it could look like she is leaving them out purposely in front of their faces, which was never OP's intention.

DH needs to move some things around and spend the day with his children here.

The step parent is always expected to pick up and put up with the shit end of any arrangement and be delighted that they even get any time with their step children, even when they have plans already.

[quote Vanilla1Cookies]@Cantstandthesnoring

There is nothing exceptional about the situation. He should manage his work load better if he’s agreed to take a day off to look after his kids and if he can’t take his kids then he needs to go back to their mother and inform her that he can’t actually have them and that he’s sorry.

Why does the buck lay with the OP when she didn’t agree to this and made it clear to her OH she wasn’t about on that day.[/quote]
I have a busy job so can really sympathise with DH that sometimes things don't go according to plan and you have to ask others for help.

OP must not trust that her DH is busy with work otherwise surely you'd want to help your DH? just me? I don't intentionally try and make anybody's life difficult if they've messed up!

But the OP normally works. So normally if he'd agreed an extra day with the dcs he would have to book a day off or pay for childcare while he was working. Its only an option to use thr OP for free childcare for the dscs 2 working parents because she has the day off to do something specific that doesn't include the DSC.

If she wasn't doing this outing with her dad and dd, then she'd be at work.

If the OP had the day off with no plans, it would be different to ask.

Its fine to say "I have plans", if she has the dsc, she either doesn't get the day with just her dd and dad, (which she explained due to ages will have to be a very different day to suit them), or has to take another day off work to do her original plans another day.

@Cantstandthesnoring He’s self employed so manages his own work load I presume like most self employed workers do.

That means Before agreeing to have his children extra on a day he works he should of checked. He needs to shift things around to either have them or go back to their mum. His wife is busy. Why should she be the one looking after them when they have a mum and dad who both don’t want to on that day.

OP must not trust that her DH is busy with work otherwise surely you'd want to help your DH?

Or she’s already busy and reminded him of the fact she wasn’t free to help out that day and she doesn’t want to ruin the day with her father and daughter by changing the dynamic and being left to babysit two kids because neither parent wanted too.

I have a busy job so can really sympathise with DH that sometimes things don't go according to plan and you have to ask others for help.

Agree, but he's the one who's supposed to be helping out here? It was not his day to have his children.

He has literally agreed to have them to help his ex out, and then tried to offload it onto OP instead. I just can't see an angle where he is in the right, given that he could have just said no in the first place as he is not able to help?

It's not like he's even said yes to get extra time with his children since he's trying to send them off out with OP for the whole day.

Every family dynamic is different, and there are so many variables in this.

We have spent christmas at my parents with my SC, days out and we go to almost all events and days out as a full family, I receive mother's day cards (step-mum specific) on mother's day from my SC and step up into the role of 'parent' whenever necessary. Not every family is the same so really no judgement here, OP asked for opinions and I've given mine.

I'm by no means saying DH is 'in the right', I just think if the situation is that he said 'yes' before checking his workload, yes I'd be annoyed at his lack of organisation but not enough to let it become a family feud, especially if it was a one-off.

Based on the OP, it sounds like he's just asked her the question of 'could she take them', it certainly doesn't sound like he's demanding it. I could be wrong. I'd ask my DH the same if I'd been unorganised or something came up at the last minute.

I'd ask my DH the same if I'd been unorganised or something came up at the last minute.

And if he said 'sorry, given what I've arranged it will mess up my day so I can't', would you accept that and resolve to get by as best you could? Given that it's you who has been disorganised or agreed to something last minute?

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

I'd ask my DH the same if I'd been unorganised or something came up at the last minute.

And if he said 'sorry, given what I've arranged it will mess up my day so I can't', would you accept that and resolve to get by as best you could? Given that it's you who has been disorganised or agreed to something last minute?

100%.

But based on the original post, OP hadn't even responded to her DH yet, so we're all assuming that he's being unreasonable.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, I do think it's unreasonable to demand.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask, I do think it's unreasonable to demand.

Absolutely agree!

This is very resolvable. Older kids can have a fine but slightly dull day with their dad and a bit more TV than is ideal. OP can have her day with her daughter and dad. Her husband shuffles his work round a bit and does what's necessary. No one is harmed and there will be no family feud 🤞