To say they can't come?

[HegeHog]

Long story short my husband has agreed that his kids can come to us later this week (not one of the usual days) which is absolutely fine. Their Mum had something on.

He was originally going to take the day off work, he is self employed so it's easier for him to take days off short notice.

I am off that day but I am meeting my Dad out for the day with our DD (mine and DHs). It was arranged long before this situation ever came up. I don't see my Dad much as he lives a bit away.

DH has now said he's really busy with work actually and can they not just come with me for the day. I feel like he agreed to his ex to look good and then almost immediately decided he was too busy actually and was hoping I'd just do it after agreeing.

AIBU to say no sorry I have plans. My Dad doesn't get to spend much time with his grandchild and I wanted this day to be between DD, her grandad and me just focused on her. We've really been looking forward to it. My DSC argue a lot between themselves sometimes (close in age) and I just don't want the dynamic of a day we've been looking forward to, changing with more kids to look after.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand.

Goodness me, the number of people who think that OP should be inconvenienced because her partner can't plan...

I agree in an emergency step parents are amongst the people in the immediate circle who really should step in if they possibly can. This is not one of those cases.

Bailing him out at the first obstacle and thus enabling him to make a plan which he can't keep to, even when reminded that OP was not available as backup , with no bad consequences for him, sets up a very bad precedent. That's how people sleepwalk into being the default parent even for step children with two perfectly good parents. In fact it would encourage him to dump everything more stuff onto her

Don't do it.

Seems suspicious that he agreed to this particular day extra, knowing you had already taken the day off work.

Stick to your plans.

If he really can't take the day off, can he take half a day and pay for DSC to go to a club /activity/childminder for a half day ? Would that work out less than hes losing taking the day off as SE?

he might have been called in to do life changing surgery or something that is not easy to have a day off from

OP had said at the outset he was self employed so this clearly wasn't the case. Also that he was usually able to be flexible more easily than her.

The 'is this the best possible outcome?' question for the stepchildren has become a red herring. It should be 'is this a good enough outcome?' Which it is. They'll have a day with their dad, they'll be fine. It may not be the most memorable day of their lives, but that's ok. Plenty of kids are in this position over the summer hols as parents juggle work.

What's disappointing is again the double standard where a 'good enough' day is fine when it's either of the actual parents in charge, but if the step parent enters the equation it's then got to be the 'best possible' outcome, even if at her own expense and the expense of other family members, i.e. her daughter and her dad. Why is step mum expected to go further and do more than their actual parents?

“Seems suspicious that he agreed to this particular day extra, knowing you had already taken the day off work”

Totally agree, he’s trying to pull a fast one. Don’t let him get away with it

I know the SCs are a delight not a chore, but imagine if he'd promised a mate to help tile a bathroom...then had to work...so asked you to tile the bathroom!!!

It's not that different. He undertook to do a job (parent his children!) And now he's trying to foist it on you.

They are your DD's siblings

No they aren’t.

I’m always taken aback by the posters on here who fall over themselves trying to insist that there is literally no difference between children and step children, siblings and step siblings. And that the second you get together with someone who has kids, they are your children and to be treated as exact equals with any children you may bear. It shows a staggering lack of understanding of the many complexities of step families and expecting everyone to fam in line with completely unrealistic expectations is a road to disaster.

Treat step children and children fairly, yes, but exactly the same at all times? No.

Why shouldn’t the OP’s child get time alone with her grandfather? Does she go along every time her step siblings see their mother’s parents? Of course not.

He agreed to it and should have thought if he was too busy with work beforehand

Definitely-he just thinks it will be easier (for him!) if you do it!

Oh and OP tell your husband to do one. He intended this all along. Yet another father who sees any woman in his life as there to pick up the slack so he doesn’t have to do what millions of parents do every day and actually inconvenience themselves to care for their own children. How do so many women find these men attractive?

I'd send him the number for a babysitter. You made it clear you weren't going to be available that day.

It's not just a step parent thing, one on one with kids is important, I had a similar problem when dh assumed I'd be happy taking the others on a day I'd asked him to have the other kids so I could take DD to something particular. Yes they would have enjoyed it but it was her day to have me all to herself and we'd planned something.

Not your problem.

Not your problem to sort.

He is their parent; not you; and they have 2 parents of their own; you're not one of them.

He'll have to sort it like he said he would. Like millions of other parents do.

Don't enable him or he'll keep dumping them on you when he doesn't feel like doing anything with them.

Every single step child/ step parent thread is exactly the same.
Man divorces.
Man meets new woman.
Man uses new woman for childcare.
New woman never knows how to refuse childcare.
Man is happy.
Woman is overworked and full of resentment.

Crazy

To be fair he doesn't usually do this. I think in his mind he just thinks oh that's a day DSC would enjoy too so why not and he can do his work then.

It's the "just thinking" that's the problem. He should use his thinking time to work out the childcare issues with his ex, not "just think" that you'll rescue the day.

Ok I'll start by saying yanbu OP and you should go ahead with your plans.

However I don't think your DH should be overly demonised here, he is looking at things in a different way; you are all the one household and they'd enjoy it. I struggle a bit saying no, not necessarily childcare but even in the early days the teens being told to just join Lovelybottom in her plans (could be meeting my mum / friends). It isn't that he is a lazy dad, he does absolutely loads with them and with our shared DC (more than me), he just assumed I'd be delighted and they would enjoy it too.

There have been a couple of occasions with my extended family or friends where I've cringed a bit, he's assumed his daughters are included when it wouldn't be at all appropriate to bring teens and the invite only extended to us, the adults (and later a baby as could not disconnect from her.) Adult only events basically.

There was also a trip down the country for us and small DC so for a weekend we didn't have the DSKs. He invited them along anyway without my permission and looked totally confused when I said there was no room replying "but they can just sleep in with their kids". I was really stressed as that had not been suggested or offered but thankfully the DSKs refused the invitation anyway.

I think you need to have a chat. "Listen this is a special planned day with DD and my dad. I don't want to take the focus off her. And going forward you can't assume I will step in so if you're not free yourself then don't commit."

If he isn't receptive to that then you've got a problem but for the moment I'd say it's just differing perspectives.

I think you need to have a chat. "Listen this is a special planned day with DD and my dad. I don't want to take the focus off her. And going forward you can't assume I will step in so if you're not free yourself then don't commit."

She doesn’t need to say any of that. She simply needs to say “you said you’d have them, you’re having them”.

Pandering to unreasonable expectations with extended explanations dignifies them with more consideration than thrive due.

It sounds like you need much stronger boundaries with your husband. He seems to believe his kids are gods gift to just about anyone and that’s ridiculous.

I would stand my ground and say no, I've taken the day off and made plans which you are more than aware of. Dc doesn't spend that much time with dad to begin with. You should have looked at your workload properly before agreeing to this. If I was working that day as I would normally do, what would you do then? Expect me to take the day off?

He knew you had the day off. Said to his ex he’d have them, he knew he was busy, he just assumed you’re a soft touch and would have them.
It’s his problem to solve.

@toocold54

I can’t even believe I just read that. Why on earth should she even think of rearranging her day because her OH now doesn’t want to take the day off!

@Vanilla1Cookies because as a single parent I know how difficult it is. I don’t know what his job is, he might have been called in to do life changing surgery or something that is not easy to have a day off from but that means the mum now has no one to look after the children.
If it’s just as easy for OP to see her dad the day after then that would be a better option than telling the mum they can’t have the DCs or having to take them with her.

How is OP having to change her plans a better option than dad or mum having to change theirs??

Tbh as far as I'm concerned, dad has agreed to do a favour which he can now no longer do. So his only options are either to change things around to make it work himself, or go back to his ex and say he's sorry but he can't get that day off work.

in his mind he just thinks oh that's a day DSC would enjoy too so why not and he can do his work then.

And this is exactly why he needs to sort the consequences, so he remembers for next time.

Pandering to unreasonable expectations with extended explanations dignifies them with more consideration than thrive due.

Yet again @AnneLovesGilbert nails it.

@HegeHog

Tbh my main concern, considering their Dad can stay off and look after them, isn't about whether it's the best day for DSC. My main concern is about DD having the best day she can which is spending time with her grandad where she's the focus for the day. Its not her fault her dad and his ex have changed plans now.

I'm really shocked by the resounding consensus here, and maybe it's just me! When you married DH you knew he had two kids, and that you were building a blended family together, which means you now have a family with three kids. If all three were biologically yours would you be favouritising one child at the expense of the others?

When I married my DH we were building a family and a partnership, I'd do anything for my SCs the same I would for my own. DH would help me out when work is busy and vice versa.

They'll enjoy the day out with you and their sibling, it feels like you're trying to make his life difficult for the sake of it. I completely agree it's frustrating that he's made plans without checking in with you first but you do have three children to think about, not one.

@Cantstandthesnoring
In what other way would the op's step children be considered her own? Would she discipline them as she does her own, choose their schools, give able to give consent medically?

No.

Somehow, miraculously, when it comes to the op inconveniencing herself, then they are her own? Of course they're not her own. Blending families doesn't trump biology.

And the argument re if they were hers biologically, what would she do? That's not applicable here, because they're not hers. Otherwise you could say if x was y endlessly.

@Cantstandthesnoring

No, OP only has one child, who she already had plans with on this day.

Her SCs were not even due to be with their dad on the day in question, it's not like she planned to leave them out knowing they'd be there. Her DH has agreed to have his older kids to do his ex a favour, that is not on OP to change her plans to accommodate. He shouldn't have agreed without checking if he wanted OP to have them instead of himself.

OP has the right to enjoy a day out with her daughter and father without having to take 2 further kids with her, completely changing the dynamic of the day.

[quote Takenoprisoner]@Cantstandthesnoring
In what other way would the op's step children be considered her own? Would she discipline them as she does her own, choose their schools, give able to give consent medically?

No.

Somehow, miraculously, when it comes to the op inconveniencing herself, then they are her own? Of course they're not her own. Blending families doesn't trump biology.

And the argument re if they were hers biologically, what would she do? That's not applicable here, because they're not hers. Otherwise you could say if x was y endlessly.[/quote]
I did state in my previous comment 'maybe it's just me'.

I do discipline my SC, thankfully i've never had a serious medical situation with them so that's not been an issue and they were already in school when I met them. But I certainly wouldn't have taken on the responsibilities that do come with being a step parent if they were ever going to be an 'inconvenience' to me.