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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex sanctioned on her universal credit wants us to pay the difference.

111 replies

Gigi2341 · 23/07/2021 16:15

I really need to rant, DH has one child from his ex who is 8 years old. Dh pays maintenance as he should,above what is expected and didn't reduce payments when we had our two children. Me and DH both work and shelve out a fortune in child care. We luckily have the help of family or honestly not sure how I'd cope. Anyway we do not have lot of disposable income but we are comfortable enough and have a nice content family life. However, the ex is in constant financial difficulty and expects DH to foot the bill. Last year she didn't renew her benefit and fell into debt she wanted DH to bail her out and pay more as she was " destitute" DH gave what he could for the sake of his child. And now just got a message saying that she's been sanctioned by universal credit because she hasn't been going to her work coach or making any appointments as it's all "too much". I have absolutely no sympathy and neither does DH its ridiculous. She is asking for DH to give her a lump sum this month something in thr excess of £1000 to make the difference or she says she won't make the month. I have suggested we just have DSS for 50:50 or even more 70:30. As we don't have the funds. Ex has never been keen on the idea of 50:50 and so it's more EOW and week day sleepover. I'm livid at the messages and the guilt tripping here. I think she thought you can have benefits until your kid is 16 and don't have to ever work it is just shocking the mentality of some people.

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/07/2021 16:17

If I was your husband, I'd tell her I'd have the child move in with me until she got back on her feet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 16:18

He needs to tell her to jog on.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 23/07/2021 16:19

Sounds tough. I can understand why you're annoyed. Why doesn't your DH want to have the child more?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2021 16:22

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

Sounds tough. I can understand why you're annoyed. Why doesn't your DH want to have the child more?

Perhaps you missed this:

Ex has never been keen on the idea of 50:50 and so it's more EOW and week day sleepover

Pebbledashery · 23/07/2021 16:24

Her attitude reeks.. But unfortunately your DH needs to confront her about it. He is being a good dad by paying over and above for his child, as he should.. But she's not going to stop if he is subsidising her. Suggest he just pays what he normally does and doesn't bail her out again, she'll have to learn to make the money stretch. Most parents in financially difficulty sacrifice and ensure their kids have what they need and go without. She needs a cold hard taste of reality. Might shock her.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 23/07/2021 16:24

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

Sounds tough. I can understand why you're annoyed. Why doesn't your DH want to have the child more?

I took the OP to be saying that it was the EX who wasn't keen on 50:50, not her DH.

Mix56 · 23/07/2021 16:24

H says "we dont have it."
Offer to have DC

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 23/07/2021 16:26

In this position I'd move for 50:50 or 70:30 as she can't financially cope with DSS obviously.

Genuinely would ask a family solicitor to start these proceedings stating her financial irresponsibility and wanting to safeguard DSS from poverty and low income household due to the reposnible adult not being able to attend the job center 🙄

Pebbledashery · 23/07/2021 16:30

She makes my blood boil. I'm a single parent to a 3 year old who receives no financial help from my daughters joke of a father.. I work 40 hours a week in a very difficult nhs job and my daughter has everything and I have everything and would never ask a penny off anyone. She obviously has no concept of managing her finances.. She can go swivel and take her lazy ass to the job centre!

Saidtoomuch · 23/07/2021 16:35

Is she in mental health crisis? Is she able to juggle work and child care? Does she have a partner at home who helps with household income? Does she have the same support system as you for child care? She shouldn't automatically loose partial custody of her child because of poverty.

Akire · 23/07/2021 16:43

Unless like PP said she is in some mental health crisis really can’t be helped situation in which case paying for food and money for gas and electric would be generous while she appeals and sorts herself out IF you can afford it.

If it’s her own fault and lack of efforts then she can apply for hardship payment that she will pay back instalments. Most other claimants don’t have an ex who can bail them out.

Ex sanctioned on her universal credit wants us to pay the difference.

Akire · 23/07/2021 16:43

Didn’t attach

BlueSurfer · 23/07/2021 16:46

Whether she likes 50/50 or not, you dh could push for it and more on the basis that she isn’t financially responsible.

SlothinSpirit · 23/07/2021 16:48

She sounds completely irresponsible. I wouldn't give her a penny more but I'd offer to have DSS until she sorts things out so he doesn't suffer.

There's a difference between losing child contact due to poverty (which shouldn't happen to anyone and which the benefits system is meant to avoid) and losing it due to financial irresponsibility and non-compliance with conditions which leads to payments being suspended.

Pingued · 23/07/2021 16:49

If DH doesn't like 50/50 then offer to SC in most of the time? That way mum doesn't have to worry about feeding them etc. Her maintenance to DH would be minimal. If he doesn't have the money to pay her then he doesn't have the money. He's not a bank.

rjacksmiss · 23/07/2021 16:55

Hand her in some food/toiletry parcels (for dss) What a dickhead of a girl. Needs a big reality check.

CiaoForNiao · 23/07/2021 17:03

If she's on UC then she doesn't have to "renew" them. .

Sounds like she's struggling with her MH. I missed my last appointment with my job coach for that exact reason. Luckily I phoned them the next day and explained and wasn't sanctioned.

All that said, its not up to you and your DP to make up the shortfall. It sounds like 50/50, or something closer to that might be beneficial to everyone.

toocold54 · 23/07/2021 17:25

If the mother of my children fell on hard times then I probably would help her out knowing the children would ultimately suffer. But no way would I help out in this situation! I’ve been on UC and you have to go in and see you work coach for about 20mins every other week so for her to have missed those appointments is her own fault and she shouldn’t even ask other people to help fix her mistakes.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2021 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

femfemlicious · 23/07/2021 17:34

Agree with others give her no more money. She should give him to you guys for now to help her get herself together. She needs to get herself a job!

girlmom21 · 23/07/2021 17:49

If it's all too much, is she struggling mentally?

I'd offer to take the child off her hands even if it's for a couple of weeks, while she speaks to her doctor for some support. You're financially unable to help but practical help may be better.

Magda72 · 23/07/2021 18:05

@Gigi2341 as others have said give her nothing more.
My exdp was same - paid above & beyond & was happy to do so but it was NEVER enough & every month there was requests for extra handouts. Exw refused to work & exdp enabled it for years & honestly it has just about broken him financially.
Your sdc is young enough to go 50/50. Leave it until secondary school & that may get more difficult.

Guavafish · 23/07/2021 18:07

No … she might be lying. It’s nonsense

Howshouldibehave · 23/07/2021 18:11

She wants him to pay over £1000 because she missed her work coach appointments?! Stuff that!

I’d say she isn’t coping and you need to have DC more.

SionnachRua · 23/07/2021 18:11

Don't give the money to her, she'll just come back again for more. I'd offer to take the child for a few weeks ( I know she doesn't like the idea of more than EOW so a set amount of time may be more palatable to her) to help her get back on track.

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