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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Looking after DSS

120 replies

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 08:25

To set the background, me and DP have been together 3 years, currently live separately but we are looking for a house at the moment and think we may have found one. We have 1 child each, although we have them on opposite weekends so they don't spend much time together other than in the school holidays.

DP has recently (last month) taken up a sport which has training on a Friday evening and when matches start in September, they will be on a Sunday morning. We were talking last night and DP is basically expecting me to look after DSS at those times when we live together (his Mum currently comes over and babysits).

I have no problem doing this on the odd occasion. but the weekends DSS is here are the ones I don't have my DD and I generally use them to see friends, amongst other things.

Am I being unfair? I feel like I'm going to be put in a bit of an awkward position and we haven't even moved in together yet!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lunar1 · 17/07/2021 08:33

An odd occasion of childcare when you have been asked fair enough, but unilaterally deciding you will be looking after his child on a regular basis is taking the piss completely.

I'd be relieved you hadn't committed to anything yet. This is very telling of how he will behave going forward.

MeridianB · 17/07/2021 08:39

@lunar1

An odd occasion of childcare when you have been asked fair enough, but unilaterally deciding you will be looking after his child on a regular basis is taking the piss completely.

I'd be relieved you hadn't committed to anything yet. This is very telling of how he will behave going forward.

Totally agree. This would prompt me to take several steps back from moving in. Why is your free time less important than his?

As @lunar1 says, it’s not just the regulatory, it’s that he expected you to do it. It doesn’t sound like a request… Not good!

Howshouldibehave · 17/07/2021 08:43

@lunar1

An odd occasion of childcare when you have been asked fair enough, but unilaterally deciding you will be looking after his child on a regular basis is taking the piss completely.

I'd be relieved you hadn't committed to anything yet. This is very telling of how he will behave going forward.

This!

This is a huge red flag. Don’t move in!

Noterook · 17/07/2021 08:45

His child is coming to see him, you being there should not be an excuse to routinely go out and leave you to look after them (occasionally it wouldn't bother me, but not all the time!). I'd be tempted to not move in, if he's suggesting this now and planning stuff around you being there it will only get worse.

MoreAloneTime · 17/07/2021 08:46

Would he do the same for you? It's a piss take.

BusyLizzie61 · 17/07/2021 08:56

I get why you feel that way, but I do also think that if blending surely this is to be expected and longer term I'd have assumed that you'd be arranging it for the children to have weekends that coincided?
But if this is a genuine issue, I wouldn't be moving in together. I don't see how you can be a unit, if you intend to remain so divided...

Original poster

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 08:59

@BusyLizzie61 We've tried to coincide weekends but it hasn't been possible.

OP posts:

autumnboys · 17/07/2021 08:59

Absolutely not. He either asks his mum to continue, or he doesn’t go the weekends he has his son. As you say, that’s your weekend to catch up with friends. Nip this in the bud.

Noterook · 17/07/2021 09:02

@BusyLizzie61

I get why you feel that way, but I do also think that if blending surely this is to be expected and longer term I'd have assumed that you'd be arranging it for the children to have weekends that coincided? But if this is a genuine issue, I wouldn't be moving in together. I don't see how you can be a unit, if you intend to remain so divided...

Seems a bit beyond blending though, he's just expecting childcare on tap, blending shouldn't mean bending over backwards to accommodate his hobby.

caringcarer · 17/07/2021 09:03

The child is going to see his Dad but his Dad goes out without him. How will his child feel about that?

Wjevtvha · 17/07/2021 09:04

I wouldn’t be happy about that every time; that’s your time to yourself. He needs to either make sure the weekends match or reconsider this hobby

Original poster

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 09:07

@caringcarer DP did a different sport ever since I've known him but quit earlier this year. He's now started this new one up. So I guess DSS is used to DP going out for a sport!

OP posts:

dancemom · 17/07/2021 09:11

Absolutely not. His contact weekends are to spend time with his son, not leave him twice to do solo activities.

But more importantly why does his time come before your time?

Hell no to this!

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2021 09:13

He probably only asked his mum on a temporary basis if he just started last month, told her it was as a stop gap till he gets a house with live in childcare who doesn’t get to make weekend plans, only he does. Shame you might have found a house as obviously you have to cancel move in plans while you work through having some basic respect. So you never have a Friday evening out with friends because you’re be parenting your child every other weekend and his the ones in between… such incredible selfishness to assume this of you

caringcarer · 17/07/2021 09:14

If child only sees his Dad every other weekend then he should spend that time with his child. Puld child be taken to watch his Dad if a team sport?

Original poster

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 09:37

@caringcarer I don't particularly want to have to commit to taking DSS to watch DP play every single Sunday morning he has him? Especially if it is an away match and involves travelling!

OP posts:

WimpoleHat · 17/07/2021 09:41

He’s taking the mick mightily here. He would expect you to look after DSS if he was unexpectedly delayed coming home from work? Fair enough if you live together. But your child free Friday night and Sunday morning? Every week? Not a chance in hell. Don’t move in….

caringcarer · 17/07/2021 09:44

His Dad should be organising someone to take him. It is not your responsibility.

Original poster

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 09:53

I said to DP that I'd rather not have to commit to it, to which he said he would do the same for me. The difference though is that I wouldn't ask him to...

OP posts:

TeeBee · 17/07/2021 09:57

That would be an absolute 'fuck off' from me. You're his partner not his skivvy. I'm in a similar position and my DP tries to actively avoid putting on me. He knows that kind of crap causes resentment. He's asked me a handful of times when there's been an emergency but on a regular basis because he wants to gad about? Fuck right off. This is a warning sign of what's to come. I'd back right off from this relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 17/07/2021 10:02

@thegreenbird

I said to DP that I'd rather not have to commit to it, to which he said he would do the same for me. The difference though is that I wouldn't ask him to...

He didn't even ask you to, he just expected you to. Consider this a massive warning. Either don't move in with him, or tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not willing to be default childcare without being properly asked so he needs to nip that in the bud and get the idea out of his head.

JacquelineCarlyle · 17/07/2021 10:02

@lunar1

An odd occasion of childcare when you have been asked fair enough, but unilaterally deciding you will be looking after his child on a regular basis is taking the piss completely.

I'd be relieved you hadn't committed to anything yet. This is very telling of how he will behave going forward.

This! I'd be put off moving in with him!

staringstepan · 17/07/2021 10:04

Ummm... so every free Friday eve and Sunday morning you have free you will be expected to look after DSS, rather than make your own plans to go out or see friends???

Wtf.

Pleasegiveexamples · 17/07/2021 10:12

No way. I would say a flat out no to this. I wouldn’t even offer to do the odd one off because he’ll take the piss and then when you object he’ll say you agreed. Don’t do it. Set clear boundaries now, and watch his reaction very carefully- that will help you decide whether to move in with him.

nimbuscloud · 17/07/2021 10:16

Look at it positively
You have seen his true colours before you move in together
Lucky escape

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