Looking after DSS

[thegreenbird]

To set the background, me and DP have been together 3 years, currently live separately but we are looking for a house at the moment and think we may have found one. We have 1 child each, although we have them on opposite weekends so they don't spend much time together other than in the school holidays.

DP has recently (last month) taken up a sport which has training on a Friday evening and when matches start in September, they will be on a Sunday morning. We were talking last night and DP is basically expecting me to look after DSS at those times when we live together (his Mum currently comes over and babysits).

I have no problem doing this on the odd occasion. but the weekends DSS is here are the ones I don't have my DD and I generally use them to see friends, amongst other things.

Am I being unfair? I feel like I'm going to be put in a bit of an awkward position and we haven't even moved in together yet!

I’d not want a partner who only say there child 1 weekend a fortnight and decided to have their own hobby on that time rather than the other 12 days.

As for childcare of someone else’s child, I feel if you move in with someone who is a parent already you take on them both. I never understand the refusing to look after a child of a partner as seems very petty and unwelcoming to me.

Even without the sport your situations with your own DC don't really blend. You have a child old enough to leave, DP doesn't which means he can do what he likes when your DD is with you (the two of you go out, solo time etc) but during DS contact time you can't without organising a babysitter. One of the few upsides to children going between households should be that both parents have alone time to go out and do their thing (in the way that parents who are together don't) so third party involvement for 'babysitting' should be able to be kept to a minimum. If you can't see a time where you can coordinate DC contact time I just can't see this working out. The sport is another issue - he doesn't have the luxury of doing something which requires training every Friday night and matches on a Sunday. DP's priorities are all wrong.

@TheTeenageYears I completely see what you're saying! We've managed 3 years of alternative contact schedules so far but it has meant we've had very little alone time. But yes, my DD (she's 16) can be left if need be (not overnight obviously!).

I don't agree with DP playing the sport of his contact time either. If his mum had said no to sitting then he wouldn't have been able to go. I just don't want to replace his mum in all regular babysitting!

It's a huge red flag for me. He doesn't care about his child or you. He cannot be serious here. If courses can't start doing a hobby on this basis. What planet is he on? Would you have done this op to your child or partner?
He sounds totally self absorbed. Hobbies like this have to wait until your children are older, unless he changed his contact days which would mean him working around his child, which sounds unlikely.

@thegreenbird every single response you've had is saying don't move in with this man - & seriously - don't!
Why are you still even complicating it???
Part of being a parent is making sacrifices around your time. For eg I'm a keen hiker & would love to join my local hiking club but I don't because they hike every Sunday, all day, & as I only have my dd every second weekend I don't want to be out hiking when I need to spend time with her!

That sport nonsense is a massive red flag & is indicative of what will happen down the line re household chores etc.
And don't even start on how HE made this decision for himself without even discussing it with you.
RUN.

So what if you wanted to make plans like go out with your friends, or go away for a weekend with a friend? Would he be expecting you to say “no, sorry I can’t come because I have to look after DSS”.

Fuck that.

Also at 16 your DD would be fine to be left overnight assuming she’s got no additional needs.

Your DP is a twat quite frankly and very selfish.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I vehemently disagree that by moving in with someone you ‘take them on both.’ How so?

My exh and I remain the parents to our children. If a partner of mine ever moved in, my expectation is that the inhabitants of the house respect one another. He would not suddenly take on responsibility for my children in anyway. That extends to school runs / afterschool care/ housing and feeding them etc etc. That’s not his domain, it’s mine and my exh’s. Would I hope he could help out occasionally and in the event of an emergency? Of course.

My exp has contact that includes him collecting his children from school/ dropping them off. Should that suddenly become my responsibility if he moves in with me? No. I adamantly would refuse that. He has that contact (via a CAO) and it’s his responsibility to arrange his life in such a way that prioritises his time with his children. Not palm it off on me.

I take on no part of anything financially or from a time commitment perspective re his children. And it’s the same in reverse.

I just don't want to replace his mum in all regular babysitting!
This is the key thing with these selfish arsehole men. He shouldn't even want to be out doing his hobby twice on the weekend he has his son.

Your op was about sunday morning, and youve said no and your do has not respected that decision. He has told you he does not value your time.

But youve also now said he would expect you to stay in on a friday to look after him too. No. Absolutely no.

Tell him moving in together just wouldn't work for you right now.

Please OP, listen to us all. Do NOT move in with him. This is the first time I have seen a unanimous no on here.

You already said no and he did not accept your no. He has no respect for you, stay as you are - he will either learn to respect you or you will keep separate lives. Honestly, I have a spread of ages in my DC but if I had a 16 year old DD, no way would I move in with a man who expected me to babysit his DC alone every second weekend.

Who do these men think they are and how the hell do they manage to reel in women to give them free childcare🧐

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I’d not want a partner who only say there child 1 weekend a fortnight and decided to have their own hobby on that time rather than the other 12 days.

As for childcare of someone else’s child, I feel if you move in with someone who is a parent already you take on them both. I never understand the refusing to look after a child of a partner as seems very petty and unwelcoming to me.

Of course you don't. Have you ever had a step child, and given up all your free weekends to look after them?

Don’t move in with him. If you say that you don’t want to lose your Friday nights out, I bet he’ll say it’s not a problem, if you want to go out you just need to phone his mum and she’ll babysit for you.
If you really want to live with him, you need to knock his entitled expectation on the head first,

The cheeky fucker is coming from inside the house.

Don't live with him! You will NEVER have a Friday night or Sunday to yourself. No catch up with friends, no Sunday lie ins!

And that's before he finds something he has to do on Saturday afternoons!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
I feel if you move in with someone who is a parent already you take on them both. I never understand the refusing to look after a child of a partner as seems very petty and unwelcoming to me

She’s not saying she wouldn’t ever help out with DSS, but her partner unilaterally deciding that he will want her to commit to looking after his child every single Friday evening and Sunday morning is completely out of order!

I would honestly leave my DP if behaved like this.

Dating someone with children does not mean you “take on the children” or automatically become default childcare, even when not asked!

No, that’s not how it works in healthy relationships. I would never just assume my partner would be willing to give up his free time to accommodate me deciding to piss off doing hobbies.

It wouldn’t be acceptable to do this without discussion and agreement even if OP was the child’s actual mother!

Does anyone else find it really annoying when people say things like "I've never experienced this myself but in my opinion when you get together with someone with kids you should make things really simple for everybody else (like me) and just act like you're their parent in every way because that's the only role I'm familiar with"

Happens all the time. Sorry but no, it is different, the role is unique, there are things you will automatically be "taking on" and things you won't, and everything should be a discussion because there are so many different stages of involvement you could choose to engage with. You will probably never act like a parent. It might seem unfamiliar to people who have never actually been there and done it, but at some point, when they have posted "why don't people just do things like I say, I don't get it!!!" for the hundredth time, they may need to accept that this is something they don't understand and that doesn't mean everyone must be doing it wrong.

He's very presumptuous isn't he. It doesn't bode well for the future IMO.

@aSofaNearYou yes! You are so right!

I would say I'll possible commit to a few weekends throughout the year but certainly not every one if that's my free weekend. He's not very thoughtful expecting you to do this. My advise would be set boundaries now or you'll end up over your head!
My DP works night and I was asked early on if I would watch his 3 if they stayed over in the week during the holidays and I said no because I wasn't comfortable with it. He was a bit annoyed but we got over it and he realised my boundaries and that I wasn't just expected to have the kids I had no ties to them and anything I did was a bonus

I, of course, would not mind babysitting in an emergency. And there are things I'm bound to pick up, like cooking dinner, as I'll be doing that anyway. But I do object to being default childcare so DP can disappear every weekend doing activities.

I will leave it a couple of days (it's far too hot to think straight at the minute!) and then I will bring it up with DP again. I guess he could say now it's fine to not have DSS and then be a very different story if we moved in together.

It will be interesting to see what he says. Hopefully the solution won’t be for his mum to come round to your house at 8am every Sunday morning to look after his child and every Friday evening to babysit and put him to bed!

@Howshouldibehave That's exactly what I'm worried about!

Op, I appreciate that the answers that say don't move in might come as a shock but please reflect on the comments as it could save you and your daughter enormous heartache in future.

He has revealed a sense of entitlement and selfishness that doesn't bode well. As someone else mentioned, when you said No, he didn't hear you but instead attempted to blame you. Those are red flags.

The reality is he wouldn't give up his time on a continuing basis to if you needed it. If he won't do it for his son, he will never do it for you.

Imagine asking him to take you every Sunday to a hobby of yours..Or perhaps ask him to not drink on alternative Fridays so that he is always available to pick you up from a night out. Would he? You wouldn't ask because you are not a cheeky fucker and you don't assume he exists to service your needs.

Your post reminded me of a time when Ex and I were living in my house and hadn't yet bought together. He assumed something similar. I went along with it at the time as I didn't appreciate entitlement and judged people to my standards. Once we were commited his selfishness ramped up as it was not easy for me to leave. My exit route was expensive given what I had sunk into house buying.

It's now time to reflect, be grateful he has been so openly selfish. Maybe reflect on why his previous relationship broke down and you might view his narrative through different eyes.

Why not delay the move until his son is older and this is no longer an issue. It would also mean your teen gets to stay with you until she goes to Uni or lives independently.

If you decide to move could you afford to set up home again solo? Cost of buying/selling/furniture/decorating new place?

@Howshouldibehave

It will be interesting to see what he says. Hopefully the solution won’t be for his mum to come round to your house at 8am every Sunday morning to look after his child and every Friday evening to babysit and put him to bed!

I can’t see any other solution though. He’s not going to become less self focussed and give up the sport is he? So it’s his mum or nothing. The op also risks him resenting her for not stepping into her free babysitter role when he has to have his mum help every week while there’s woman living here selfishly refusing to give up chunks of every second weekend to help him live his life.

You can say no now as many times as you like but once you move in together (big mistake) you will just become the babysitter. Do you really want his mother hanging out at your house on Friday nights? If she knows you're there she's unlikely to come over. She might suddenly decide there's no need for her to be available every weekend, so you'll be left minding him. Wise up. Your dp has it all planned out that you are the default childminder while he's off enjoying himself with his new hobby. Do not move in together.

@Notaroadrunner

You can say no now as many times as you like but once you move in together (big mistake) you will just become the babysitter. Do you really want his mother hanging out at your house on Friday nights? If she knows you're there she's unlikely to come over. She might suddenly decide there's no need for her to be available every weekend, so you'll be left minding him. Wise up. Your dp has it all planned out that you are the default childminder while he's off enjoying himself with his new hobby. Do not move in together.

Blunt but likely very accurate! Totally agree!

[quote RedMarauder]@Terminallysleepdeprived more fool you.

Your DP's child arrangements could have been worked around his rotating shifts unless he has been a complete shit before to his ex.

If you split up with him tomorrow who will be looking after his children when he's at work?

This is why you don't get involved in being the main carer of your OH's children that aren't also yours when he's at work or in this case doing a bloody hobby.[/quote]
Not without a very lengthy and expensive court case. The only thing he ever did wrong was object to coming home from work to find her shagging someone else into their bed. She was and is vile in her behaviour towards him. Basically she wanted him to say no so she could paint him as the shitty father and redeem herself in the eyes of their friends. It was never going to be a reasonable discussion. Even the mediator got pissed off with the constant changing goal post by her. In the end we were advised to go along with it or fight her in court. The mediator admitted that there was little point in negotiations continuing as his exw had no intention of compromising.

Even after we agreed to her demands she threw a fit that it would be/his mum looking after them. The mediator pointed out if exdp amended his work hours to accommodate her demands (which he would have done) then he would be entitled to more equity from the house and her maintenance would have been reduced as a result of his drop in salary. He was not a high earner...40k ish doing 12 hour shifts and she was demanding over 1.5k/month because she didn't want to work full time. She would send me texts about just backing down and walking away, let her have her kids and he could just pay her off which we handed to the mediator because she was frankly impossible

We had no choices.

Ultimately becoming a blended family means there has to be give and take on both sides. He was wrong to just present it as what would be happening, but the op is also wrong for flatly refusing.

Neither of you sound ready to fully blend.