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Original poster

Looking after DSS

120 replies

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 08:25

To set the background, me and DP have been together 3 years, currently live separately but we are looking for a house at the moment and think we may have found one. We have 1 child each, although we have them on opposite weekends so they don't spend much time together other than in the school holidays.

DP has recently (last month) taken up a sport which has training on a Friday evening and when matches start in September, they will be on a Sunday morning. We were talking last night and DP is basically expecting me to look after DSS at those times when we live together (his Mum currently comes over and babysits).

I have no problem doing this on the odd occasion. but the weekends DSS is here are the ones I don't have my DD and I generally use them to see friends, amongst other things.

Am I being unfair? I feel like I'm going to be put in a bit of an awkward position and we haven't even moved in together yet!

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Blendiful · 17/07/2021 14:56

YANBU

This would really pee me off. Me and DP look after each others kids adhoc. Usually we are both around so share childcare anyway. But if I had regular committed plans/activiity I wouldn’t want DP to feel he had to.

Initially when we moved in together I was working in an office building and my mum used to care for the DC. I kept this up, even after he moved in. He eventually offered and said he would do it so my mum didn’t always have to commit her time, but I never asked, he offered to to help. That’s different.

I think it’s rude to assume you will always do it. As this means potentially no lie in on a Sunday or Friday nights out. If these are things you regularly do now when your Dc isn’t there, I’d simply be saying to DP I already have my own plans those days as you know. And I like the freedom to do things when my DC isn’t here, so you will not commit.

It sounds like you need a lot more talking about expectations and boundaries before moving in together.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 15:03

Is he usually fundamentally selfish and entitled?

FilledSoda · 17/07/2021 15:17

That won't work for you , you're busy those days .

MarianneUnfaithful · 17/07/2021 15:24

he said he would do the same for me
No he wouldn’t because he wouldn’t be available… he’d be out doing his sport.

Unless he is offering to do childcare for your child every Saturday evening and every Sunday afternoon that he doesn’t have his child? Tell him that is what you are planning….

FWIW I think fine to do this if and when you are genuinely available, but whenever you fancy doing your own thing he has to find alternative childcare without a murmur.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/07/2021 16:18

He sees his sun what? 4 days a month? That's barely any time. He shouldn't be even wanting to do anything other than be with his son.

If I only saw my kid for a few days each month hell would freeze over before I'd piss off to do my 'hobby'

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/07/2021 16:19

Son. Bloody hell phone. I think I know what word I meant to type! 😁

Original poster
thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 16:34

He also has him one night mid week and almost half of school holidays. But that obviously doesn't change my current dilemma!

OP posts:
Bridezillamaybe · 17/07/2021 16:34

I wouldn't be lecturing him about having parental responsibilities to his son, he should have figured that out himself. I would be coming at this from the angle purely of what is expected of your relationship and you have not signed up to do the lion's share of the childminding.

SlothinSpirit · 17/07/2021 16:43

There's no dilemma. Just tell him you use your free weekends to relax or go out with friends (sometimes at short notice) and that you like having a lie-in unbothered by childcare. So you're not generally going to be available to care for his DS, though you might help now and again as a one-off if his other arrangements fall though.

MeridianB · 17/07/2021 17:06

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

He sees his sun what? 4 days a month? That's barely any time. He shouldn't be even wanting to do anything other than be with his son.

If I only saw my kid for a few days each month hell would freeze over before I'd piss off to do my 'hobby'

This is a really good point. He should want to be with him!
334bu · 17/07/2021 17:16

Absolutely not. Why in earth would a parent commit to an activity which coincides with the precious limlted time they have with their child? This is totally out of order and his mother should have hauled him over the coals for even daring to ask her to cover for him. As to you covering except in emergencies , well this is totally wrong.

Original poster
thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 17:28

Yes I was surprised his Mum agreed to it as personally I wouldn't, but I guess she sees it as an opportunity to see her grandson regularly.

OP posts:
Ohanaa · 17/07/2021 17:57

I think he’s cheeky as fuck.

He just told you that you would be watching his son while he fucks off out. On your child free weekend Shock

I’d be telling him no. You make plans for the weekends you don’t have DD and your not his babysitter.

acolderwar · 17/07/2021 19:20

Another selfish dad. He has over half of every week to pursue hobbies but has chosen to see to himself on one of his few contact days and source out his parenting. If I were you, I would find that very, very unattractive

Terminallysleepdeprived · 17/07/2021 19:32

I am kinda torn on this one...

The fact he has announced it as a fait a complis would piss me off big time, it should have been a two way discussion.

That said, my exdp works a rotating shift pattern up until him and I moved in together he would only have his kids on his days off. His exw unlitaterally decided this was going to change to eow and one night a week and we received notification via a solicitor. Mediation was sought as exdp didn't think it was fair on the kids or me (the only fucking time in 7 years he stood up to her) but I took the decision with the backing of his parents that we would agree it and worry about the logistics and me not getting lumped with all of it. Due to his mum dying unexpectedly I ended up doing all the time dp was working and ultimately 90% of the parenting for both their mum and dad but that is a thread in itself.

I think you should maybe think about a compromise or there is a risk dss will see it as a rejection by you, though I know that isn't the reason. Maybe agree to the Fridays but granny still has him for the Sunday?

Original poster
thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 19:50

@Terminallysleepdeprived I'm not sure DSS would see it as a rejection by me as I've only ever looked after him on a handful of occasions in the whole 3 years. The thought of never having a Friday night to myself is a bit depressing Sad

OP posts:
Morechocolatethanbarbara · 17/07/2021 20:10

Fuck that!

Do not move in with this man, he's a shit excuse for a father, attempting to palm his DC off onto anyone who'll have him (despite only seeing the child a handful a times a month).

He also has zero respect for your free time and considers you to be worth less than him.

Consider yourself lucky that you found this out before moving in with him.

RedMarauder · 17/07/2021 20:32

@Terminallysleepdeprived more fool you.

Your DP's child arrangements could have been worked around his rotating shifts unless he has been a complete shit before to his ex.

If you split up with him tomorrow who will be looking after his children when he's at work?

This is why you don't get involved in being the main carer of your OH's children that aren't also yours when he's at work or in this case doing a bloody hobby.

RedMarauder · 17/07/2021 20:38

@thegreenbird

I did wonder if I say no to looking after DSS, will he still continue to ask his mum? Sunday morning wouldn't be a problem as DSS could go to hers, but training is late on a Friday and DSS would be in bed. So would his Mum come to our joint house and babysit? Confused I don't see DP giving up the sport.
Don't move in with him

Leave him to sort out his own childcare around his hobby.

He may realise that he needs to give his hobby up.

If he either:

  1. doesn't and ropes in his mum, or,
  2. complains bitterly about giving his hobby up because he can't get help from his partner or mother,
then have a good think why you think he is a keeper.
AnneElliott · 17/07/2021 20:45

I agree you should say no to this. If you don't have your DD why would you want to look after someone else's every Friday night?

He's being very cheeky to even ask!

Starseeking · 17/07/2021 21:14

Your DP, who sees his DS every other weekend, half the holidays and mid-week is expecting you to give up your child free Friday nights and Sunday mornings, without even having the courtesy to ask you??? Is he having a laugh?!?

I'd be running away so fast from this one that I'd leave a dust storm in my wake. This Nan is telling you what his expectations of you will be if you move in together. He's being extremely unreasonable, plus the fact he doesn't mind not seeing his DS for almost half the time he's there, is huge red flag.

Starseeking · 17/07/2021 21:15

*This man

3peassuit · 17/07/2021 22:55

Big no from me.

MissTrip82 · 17/07/2021 23:06

I wouldn’t be moving in right now.

The expectation’s a red flag but honestly so is taking up a sport that takes him away from his kid when he sees him so very very little. There are so many hobbies he could pursue for the few years his son is coming, and he is really not seeing enough of him anyway.

Definitely don’t have a baby with him! This board is littered with women who have had children with a man who had already demonstrated he wasn’t much of a father.

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2021 23:30

Absolutely don’t move in with him this year, and lots of talking needed. The significance of your child being a teenager is that he doesn’t have to mean the ‘id do it for you’ as he can just leave them home alone for a night, and you’ve already gone through the years where you can’t leave them alone, presumably with roping in some man as a sucker to babysit half of your weekends for you.

He’s always been a bit of a crap dad if he’s always devoted significant chunks of his weekends to various sports and missed out on lots of time with his child. Aren’t good parents busy on weekends taking their children to the children’s sport and parties? Ours are only little and we do this! Dp plays football Monday nights with a bunch of dads. In a couple of years this 10 yr old will be 12 and wanting lifts out on a Friday night- will selfish dad say no I’m busy you don’t get a social life? Or is muggins you the dedicated taxi?