Looking after DSS

[thegreenbird]

To set the background, me and DP have been together 3 years, currently live separately but we are looking for a house at the moment and think we may have found one. We have 1 child each, although we have them on opposite weekends so they don't spend much time together other than in the school holidays.

DP has recently (last month) taken up a sport which has training on a Friday evening and when matches start in September, they will be on a Sunday morning. We were talking last night and DP is basically expecting me to look after DSS at those times when we live together (his Mum currently comes over and babysits).

I have no problem doing this on the odd occasion. but the weekends DSS is here are the ones I don't have my DD and I generally use them to see friends, amongst other things.

Am I being unfair? I feel like I'm going to be put in a bit of an awkward position and we haven't even moved in together yet!

@Terminallysleepdeprived I'm wrong for refusing to give up every single child free Friday night and Sunday morning so that my DP can take part in a hobby?

Ultimately becoming a blended family means there has to be give and take on both sides. He was wrong to just present it as what would be happening, but the op is also wrong for flatly refusing. Neither of you sound ready to fully blend.

I'm sorry but nothing in that comment remotely backed up the idea that OP is wrong to flatly refuse this.

[quote thegreenbird]@Terminallysleepdeprived I'm wrong for refusing to give up every single child free Friday night and Sunday morning so that my DP can take part in a hobby? [/quote]
Without having an adult conversation and arranging a compromise that suits everyone...yes.

Don't move in with him! He is selfish, entitled and a terrible Father.

Without having an adult conversation and arranging a compromise that suits everyone...yes.

Care to elaborate on that? Because not taking on his parenting responsibilities for no good reason is already working pretty well for OP. And it also involves the harmony of everyone looking after the kids they made, as they should.

He is clearly used to having his mother at his beck and call for childcare. He is expecting you to be like that. Forever.

If the Op objects to his mum turning up on a Sunday morning to babysit then he will accuse the Op of being unreasonable since he offered a solution to her not having to babysit.

She might then be accused of stopping him seeing his child and is only resentful because he has hobbies and she doesn't.

I suspect he will use every tactic rather than the obvious one which is to miss EOW because of childcare responsibilities.

Some dc have to miss regular clubs because of contact time with parents who choose to move further apart. If a child can handle the disappointment then a grown man who has parent responsibilities surely can cope.

Echoing what so many here say - Don’t movie in with him!

he is showing you who he is. Pay attention

If you move in, either his mother will be round all the time or she will pick and choose and you’ll be default babysitter

He needs to make the arrangements to see his son work for him, for his son, for the son’s mother

Don’t sleepwalk into this.

*move!

I just don't think I'd want to live him on this premise...I mean even if his mum agreed to continue...having her in your house every weekend yo babysit isn't something I'd personally want.

Can't he just do the sport on the non contact weekend?
I can't be doing with these hobby men.

This is the key thing with these selfish arsehole men. He shouldn't even want to be out doing his hobby twice on the weekend he has his son.

This. Doesn't this bother you OP?

You know what kind of dad regularly uses their limited contact time to be away from their child? A shit dad.

@Terminallysleepdeprived why was she texting you? How did she get your number?

You shouldn't be involved on this level.

If you walk out tomorrow - and you may decide to walk out eventually because she is harassing you - then your ex-DP will be stuck and their children will be screwed over.

Well, sport comes before his child and he wants a baby sitter, graet catch Good luck when you do live together, he'll have you doing the lot.
He has a child to take care of during those times, sport comes second to your child.

@aSofaNearYou

Does anyone else find it really annoying when people say things like "I've never experienced this myself but in my opinion when you get together with someone with kids you should make things really simple for everybody else (like me) and just act like you're their parent in every way because that's the only role I'm familiar with"

Happens all the time. Sorry but no, it is different, the role is unique, there are things you will automatically be "taking on" and things you won't, and everything should be a discussion because there are so many different stages of involvement you could choose to engage with. You will probably never act like a parent. It might seem unfamiliar to people who have never actually been there and done it, but at some point, when they have posted "why don't people just do things like I say, I don't get it!!!" for the hundredth time, they may need to accept that this is something they don't understand and that doesn't mean everyone must be doing it wrong.

The thing is, it's only stepmums who seem to be given this advice.

As a stepmum, you must martyr yourself and sacrifice your DC at the altar of DSC worshipping. Anything short of putting yourself last in the queue at every available opportunity, you are rank one below Cinderella's stepmum, and you must hate your DSC. QED.

Stepdad's on the other hand, don't seem to be advised to lift a finger. If they live with their DSC they're seen as kings for "taking on another mans child", even if that other man is an active and engaged parent.

It's all steeped in patriarchy and misogyny, and when I was a stepmum, my EXDP absolutely revelled in it.

Don't move in with him. He will prob say that you won't have to look after DSS but when he has you trapped I bet that that is exactly what would happen.
He is selfish. Sad he doesn't value time with his child over his own hobbies.

His child will soon start questioning his place on dads list of priorities.

Had this with my ex. He took on extra shifts on the nights he had our dc, and his gf looked after them. He could easily have taken these shifts on the other 5 child free nights he had, but that would have meant an impact on his social life.

My dc eventually asked what the point was of going to dads if dad wasn't in.

Thankfully my ex took it on board when it was pointed out to him and took different shifts.

Maybe it's time your DP had it pointed out to him that the only thing worse than having a selfish and inconsiderate partner, is having a selfish and inconsiderate parent.

I really don't think you should move in with him. And definitely don't have any children with him. 🙈

Yes totally agree with everyone.. get the boundaries set up firmly now before you move in!

My DP plays golf but he never makes weekly commitments because of this reason. I have the girls ad hoc if he wants to play or there is a competition on but if you see DSS every other weekend then he should be making his commitment for the other weekend he has without him, not every week.

How did your DP address this with you? What was his attitude?