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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Looking after DSS

120 replies

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 08:25

To set the background, me and DP have been together 3 years, currently live separately but we are looking for a house at the moment and think we may have found one. We have 1 child each, although we have them on opposite weekends so they don't spend much time together other than in the school holidays.

DP has recently (last month) taken up a sport which has training on a Friday evening and when matches start in September, they will be on a Sunday morning. We were talking last night and DP is basically expecting me to look after DSS at those times when we live together (his Mum currently comes over and babysits).

I have no problem doing this on the odd occasion. but the weekends DSS is here are the ones I don't have my DD and I generally use them to see friends, amongst other things.

Am I being unfair? I feel like I'm going to be put in a bit of an awkward position and we haven't even moved in together yet!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LindaEllen · 17/07/2021 10:34

You're not being unfair - his child stays with you to see his dad, it's unfair for him to miss out on so much contact time on a regular and continual basis. Also, having time to do your own thing is important in a relationship and as you said, you need to go out and see friends etc.

If it was me I'd still plan things with friends as I usually would, and DSS will have to go to your DP's mum on those days. I wouldn't mind looking after him if I was just planning on being in the house though, as long as he was mainly happy to entertain himself .. but I do think it's a bit selfish of your DP to have planned something that takes so much time up.

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 10:39

We were talking last night and DP is basically expecting me to look after DSS at those times when we live together

It's one thing asking if you mind with no pressure to agree and another to expect you to do it. His DSS is his responsibility and if he wants to ask you to look after his child for him it is a favour and he should be fine if you say no. Anything other than this and I'd consider not moving in with him. You are not free childcare.

SpongebobNoPants · 17/07/2021 10:48

It would be a big fat NOPE from me

timeisnotaline · 17/07/2021 10:50

If he genuinely thought you’d ask the same of him he’d realise pretty quickly he gets no weekend - say you get sat night and Sunday afternoon and he never goes out on a Saturday again. Would he really be ok with that or is it all lovely as a hypothetical but in practice nooootttt faaaaaiiirrrr

SpongebobNoPants · 17/07/2021 10:57

I’d be tempted to take up a new hobby on weeknights which would mean he’d have to cook and care for your DD.
I bet he’d soon be annoyed

HforHotel · 17/07/2021 10:59

No, he can't outsource his parenting responsibility to you. That's appalling and a major red flag. He needs a different hobby...one where he can also parent.

SlothinSpirit · 17/07/2021 11:15

No, just laugh. "Why would I want to babysit on my free weekends rather than go out with friends or to the gym? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Then don't engage any further on the topic.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 17/07/2021 11:20

You'll end up doing all the grunt work. I promise you. It'll be you washing the clothes, cooking the meals, entertaining the child, while he pops in and out as he pleases and doesn't actually have to be a father cos he brought in a maid.

SlothinSpirit · 17/07/2021 11:27

He does sound encroaching. It sounds like you're going to have to work quite hard to keep boundaries in place... For instance, how will chores be shared? What if you just want to have a snack meal and DSS is staying? Will you be expected to cook? If it's the holidays and both children are staying, will you share the childcare or will you be expected to care for both kids? What if you want to take your DD for a day out by herself?

Bridezillamaybe · 17/07/2021 11:28

No, no, no, no. How dare he assume? No way. The absolute ONLY way I would agree to this would be to call his bluff and make an arrangement for yourself for every Saturday. But then that's pointless because I assume you don't want to leave your own child.

Really I'm all for blending families and if you're getting involved with a man with kids you have to get involved with his kids too but no way should he have assumed you'd be picking up the slack here.

Not only would I say no I'd be telling him I'm having serious second thoughts about moving in.

Original poster

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 11:51

My DD is a teen so technically wouldn't need looking after, unlike DSS, but I still wouldn't go out and leave her with him on a regular basis.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 17/07/2021 12:15

Live separately but looking for a house together. Now 'he' has taken up a new sport and unilaterally decided that you will provide regular childcare.

Thank goodness you found out about this before you moved in together.

I'd put a stop on the plans to move in together while you reassess how living together is going to work. How you will work together to make decisions.

NowEvenBetter · 17/07/2021 12:25

So not only does he not want his child 50/50, on the two days a week he has contact, he’s wanting to ditch his kid under the guise of a wee hobby. You find that appealing in a male? And he expects you to step in and provide childcare for his poor kid? You’re being made a fool of.

Mintjulia · 17/07/2021 12:39

Not a chance. If he wants a nanny, tell him to call an agency.
Next step will be, he doesn't have time to do his washing, could you just throw it in? And ta ke it out.....

Say no firmly now or become a general dogsbody.

SlothinSpirit · 17/07/2021 12:41

I'd be careful about getting roped into looking after DSS in school holidays as well. While it might be nice to take him out for the odd day or two, he's not going to be interested in many of the things your older DD is into and vice versa and you don't want to end up having to change what you're doing the whole time because he's coming along to save his dad money on holiday clubs etc.

Uramaki · 17/07/2021 12:43

@SlothinSpirit

No, just laugh. "Why would I want to babysit on my free weekends rather than go out with friends or to the gym? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" Then don't engage any further on the topic.

This is a good idea. Laugh at it for the ridiculous suggestion it is!

Ourlady · 17/07/2021 12:44

Well thank God he told you his perfectly planned idea before you moved in together.
Jesus, what a cheeky fucker and a crap father if he took in a sport knowing it is on his contact day

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2021 12:46

Not a fucking change.

Ask why he doesn’t want to spend time with his child.

Don’t buy with this user. He’s a really crap parent and a piss taking boyfriend.

Good job you’ve found out what he thinks of both his child and you now before you’re financially tied together.

FelicityPike · 17/07/2021 12:50

No.
Just no. No to moving in, no to being an on hand nanny, a housekeeper, a personal shopper. No to all of it (sorry).

Berthatydfil · 17/07/2021 13:00

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4298066-LAT-and-holidays?msgid=109158750#109158750

This thread has similar issues to your and one poster has summed up the process perfectly in describing how men think a blended family set up means that they can hand over their childcare responsibilities etc to their new partner.

You’re not even living together and he’s already allocating your free time to do his childcare.
If you think this relationship has legs then don’t move in with him.

Tiredoftattler · 17/07/2021 13:32

OP, your post underlies the problems or issues that arise when people move in together assuming that their perspectives and views are the. same.

This situation should just make you aware that there are likely other issues and areas where you each are making assumptions that may in fact not be. positions to which the other subscribe.

There may be other things that the grandmother was available to do with or for her grandson as a way to assist her single parent son that she will no longer expect to be doing as he now has a live-in partner to assist him in those areas.

It seems that you and your partner should have an in-depth discussion about roles and expectations.

RedMarauder · 17/07/2021 14:27

Tell him "No"

Explain to him that contact is for his child to spend time with him, his father, not you or any other random adult.

It is OK for the child's grandmother to look after the boy occasionally.

And don't live with him until he shows by his actions that he understands this.

So cancel those September plans and see if he understands this by January 2022. If not then you will need to reevaluate your relationship.

Btw I made it clear to my DP I was only available to do emergency childcare for his eldest.

LotLessBovver · 17/07/2021 14:37

It's the attitude that would put me off.

"Why look after my own child when I can get a woman in to do it?"

First it's his mum. Then it's you. Will he be expecting your teenage DD to take a turn next?

Original poster

thegreenbird · 17/07/2021 14:45

I did wonder if I say no to looking after DSS, will he still continue to ask his mum? Sunday morning wouldn't be a problem as DSS could go to hers, but training is late on a Friday and DSS would be in bed. So would his Mum come to our joint house and babysit? I don't see DP giving up the sport.

OP posts:

sassbott · 17/07/2021 14:48

Wtaf is wrong with these men?

Not a chance in hell would I sign up to this! He hardly sees his child and when he has him he wants to bugger off to play sport?

Very selfish. This would make me have a very blunt conversation re living together.

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