Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

Your last response speaks volumes. You see your home as yours, your husband's and your baby's, with DSD an occasional visitor your husband provides childcare for.

It isn't. Your home is her home as much as it will be your baby's.

@ikeepseeingit

Yes I think you will need to move your office space to your bedroom or downstairs. Could you create an outdoor office space for yourself?

Yes, one of these.

This is her home with her father; she's not a sofa-bed guest.

OP your fella is a bad parent. Please dont think he will be better with your child. That your child will be more special to him.
These men dont work like that. They love the kid while they are with the mother.
As soon as you split it will be your kid to be last in his priority, and some new womans wants being put before your childs needs.

ditch the chair & changing unit etc from the nursery. Add a sofa bed to the nursery & your DSD can stay there 1 weekend a month.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

No, because she's only doing you a favour. Or are you so entitled that you don't see the difference?

I haven't read all this but box room as an office, middle room for both baby and step daughter, how she wants it on one side and how you want nursery decor on the other, baby will be on with you for 6 months anyway so could even decorate once here as your in no rush, please don't stick her on a blow up in the lounge that is not a home and it should be even if only a part time home for her.
Or do you have a garden or garage? Get on the garden office bus, lots of people have built pffices/salons/bars recently in their gardens so if you have a garden or garage I'd do that and all have separate bedrooms but children can share and I'm not sure why people seem to have forgotten all about this and insist all children have own rooms even as tinies.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

You and your delightful hubby believe you are providing childcare to his child? How is that comparable to your mother looking after your baby?

This thread gets weirder and weirder..

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

You just don't get it do you? shakes head

OK, shockingly bad optics here, but read between the lines. The house is owned by the OP and she pays the mortgage (educated guess). DH pays for the DD's residential home and not a lot else. OP has a significant career and their next house depends mainly on that. Without a dedicated office, OP's job is impossible - needs a lock on the door etc. DH is glad of the roof over his head and doesn't kick off because of that.

If space is really limited OP, can you swap clothes etc in and out of store to keep it bearable?

Looking at OPs last update she's being purposefully dense. I really wish this thread was a wind up but sadly from years on MN I've seen this scenario all too often.

Aw this is so awful. Comparing her father to childcare. That poor little girl. And she's only seven so it'll be years before she will have the self confidence to refuse to come.

I had to read this out to DP to get his thoughts as we have a similar setup here. We were laughing about the early days of all the rooms being 'made over' all day long, how the dining room became the boardroom, the bedroom the nursery etc.

Really OP, you are seriously lacking in compassion. That little girl has one dad. She only sees him once a month. You should be doing everything you can to make her feel welcome and loved.

You may just be the person who is married to her Father but he is her parent, just as you are to your baby.

You want the best and a "lovely nursery" for your child - he should want to atleast accommodate his own if you're not willing too but he doesn't sound like he gives a shit either.

I can guarantee that you wouldn't be saying the same when if you split up and your baby is relegated to the sofa because his next child needs a space.

I don't normally wish bad things on people but I really do hope that one day you realise just how shitty you and your husband are treating that little girl!

Why can't you buy a garden home office?
Or put the 2 children into the same larger bedroom?

It really sad how shit people will treat children. She's only little

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

If it's of that little importance to you why did you say in your initial post that you felt guilty for taking her space from her and making her sleep on the sofa/air mattress? Or were you just trying to make yourself seem nicer than you are and really you don't give a shit because your baby will DH's real child? Lmfao

Op you could get her a dog crate? Or a rabbit hutch? She probably sleeps in the foetal position anyway so she will fit. And it comes with its own water bottle. And you not even need to let her out to use the toilet cos you can put hay in there....... you can even keep it outside on warmer nights. Problem solved.

Perhaps they have a shed? There's another option, OP!

Wonder if you'll NC the day your DP is treating your child the way he's treating his firstborn.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

Your husband isn’t providing his ex with childcare.

I notice you didn’t answer my questions about whether your husband ever wants his daughter for a long weekend or a week during school holidays?

Also, my PIL provide my childcare, more often than not. DS is 5 and has stayed overnight there 6 times from the age of 3.5 years old. He’s had his very own, decorated room there since before he was even born - before he even had a room of his own in our house.

Also, we have a two bed house. For the first two years of his life, DS shared his bedroom with DP’s ‘office.’

I don't really know why you bothered posting op?
You don't feel "awful" about it at all.
You had no intentions of creating a solution to the problem. You were just hoping everyone on here would tell you that it was totally fine and would make you feel better about it.

What happens when she comes for holidays? Does she even come for holidays?

Anyone who says they’d be happy for their 7yo to have to sleep on the sofa instead of in one of 3 bedrooms in a household of only 4 people is a liar. Especially when the reason is a kids bed doesn’t fit in with the nursery decor or the stepmother needs an entire room to put makeup on in. Lol at “all the trimmings” quite a switch from “would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa”. At least the op has the excuse that it’s not her child. Her dad must be an utter deadbeat. Beautiful insta worthy nursery for new kid, sofa for old one.

Some horrible comments you have to ignore. Very mean comments.

I think you will need a fold up bed and she can share a room.

Definitely decorate the room in your style but I think realistic the baby will be with you for the first 1 year.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

Is their some weird backstory and your mum is your baby’s real mother? No- then she’s providing childcare not a home. Your partner is dsds father and is providing her with a second home with you. Where she needs a bed in one of the 3 bedrooms for soon to be 4 people, one of whom will he a newborn and in your room for the first 6-12 months, leaving 2 bedrooms and you not planning to let her sleep in either of them.

You still don’t get it do you
As long as your child is fine though eh

You should be ashamed of how little respect your giving your step child op

She should get to do a nursery up as it's a right of passage, she shouldnt have to give that up however there should be a out you bed in the other room for the SD. Then in a few years they can share again and she gets a full office back.

Of course you have to provide your step daughter with her own room! Do you want her to feel unwelcome and pushed out?
Can’t believe her father is indulging your fantasy for a “nursery” over his existing child’s need for her own space.