Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

Yabu

Not fair to make DSD sleep on the sofa or on a blow up bed. She doesn't live with you so she doesn't NEED her own room. But does need her own bed. She would probably be scared downstairs alone at night also. My daughter is the same age and wouldn't sleep in the lounge.

If I were you I would give the master to the two children (that's what I have done), have the smaller room for yourself that's currently the dressing room & have the box room as office.

Or if you don't want to swap rooms then move your dressing room stuff into your master bedroom. You won't be using a dressing table much anyway once you have a baby lol. That's a fantasy.

Also my kids both shared my room until over 1 years old, they usually still wake up in the night and I didn't fancy walking through hallways at 3am. So may be pointless doing a nursery anyway tbh if you are moving in 2 years.

I would decorate the nursery as a nursery. She's only 7 so bears or elephants etc is still relevant. Get a small single bed in there for her. The ones IKEA sell are extendable so wouldn't take up as much space as a UK single (they're skinnier). I'm sure a bed would fit as well as a cot. A changing table for baby isn't really necessary I think you'll find most people don't use them they're kind of a novelty lol.

@Biffasum11

Just no way I'm working under a bed that doesn't look like it's adult sized... I'm not Harry Potter. I use three 24inch monitors a pc , a phone and a microphone. I also work 9/10 hours a day. That is for a kid doing their homework!!!

So you can't be inconvenienced but your poor step child can be erased completely from your home because you've always dreamed of having a nursery...

You're a peach.

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

I’m sorry

I think that’s bloody cruel.

@Biffasum11 so when you move what will happen

1 you and dh
2 dd
3 dsd and make up
4 office

Or 3 office and make up
4 dsd so room gets used once a month

@Biffasum11

I don't agree that DSD must have their very own room when she does indeed have her own space at her home with her mum. Double bed will go as spare room will be My babies room. That was always the plan until we move but we don't have plans to in near future. When DSD comes we generally go out , then enjoy family time , having meals together, movie night etc because we don't get to see her very often so infact she spends very little time upstairs.

She doesn't really have a room though, she has a bed in your dressing room? And you're taking that away from her. I hate to see step-mums getting a hard time but you're being unfair to this poor kid. Just stick a bed somewhere for her. The baby doesn't need a room as they can sleep with you.

Baby's don't need their own room. They will be in with you for at least six months if not longer. I know Insta nurseries look gorgeous but it's honestly a waste of money and time.
Your dsd might be worried about the changes that will happen with the baby arriving. Don't add into the mix changing her sleeping arrangements. That can be sorted out when the baby is older.

Stop having your DsD over at all, it's clear you and DH don't like her in your precious lives with Your new baby

She doesn't need her own room at yours OP but she does need a room, that is clear that it is for her and where she could even leave things if she wanted to. It's fine to share it but she should have a proper bed and a place to store her stuff that she wants to keep at yours.
I do understand your position about space, I have a baby and a DSS and I work from home and our rooms are all small. We just had to make a plan, DSS has his own room (but he is here much much more than your DSD) and DD has got the tiniest room that isn't even really a room but it's big enough for a cot and a changing table (and nothing else!) but truthfully she's barely in it. She's still in our room because she was s a rubbish sleeper and at least I don't have to get out of bed to soothe her at night. They can stay in with you for a lot longer than you realize.
Is there space in the garden to set up a garden room / home office?
Your DSD will be worried about your baby and her own position in the family already, please be really careful about how you handle things like this. DSS is a lot older and we still had to do a lot of work to make sure he knew he was still as important - literally giving his room to his baby sister would have created such a terrible impression for him.
You have to remember that they are both equal members of the family and so must both be considered - why can't she have a permanent bed in the same room and they share it? If you refuse to consider that then you need to move, and if you can't move then you need to reconsider making the room solely for the baby

But the people who procreate with these men never see that.
Isn't that because their wonderful DP is Daddy of the century for paying some maintenance and occasionally seeing their children, and obviously when the new baby comes he will be the most wonderful daddy on earth and would move mountains for his baby. The new woman is different, she's not like the horrible meanie ex, he's a changed man when he's with new woman, their family will be amazing.

unless the relationship ends, in which case he will accept any excuse not to see his children, will shack up with another woman who thinks he's hard done to and a brilliant dad who does what he can but pesky ex partners are awful, then have a kid with her and sideline the children he already has because prioritising children depends on who he is sleeping with

I can't imagine finding much attractive about a man who happily sees his child once a month and would see his own flesh and blood relegated to the sofa or an air bed so his new Mrs can have her dream nursery for a baby that won't use it.

He maybe did protest but he can't stop his ex from moving on with her life and moving where she wants to be.

@Lockdownbear he can actually. He could have applied to court to stop her but clearly couldn't be bothered.

@MitzyMooo

Typical with posters just biting to have a go, take no notice *@Biffasum11* as these woman would of been just as excited as you in their first pregnancy wanting a nursery. My first house was tiny, I had to put wardrobes in the other bedroom as no space in the master so I get it. Your SD is clothed, loved and fed, the outrage over her sleeping arrangements 12 times a year is ridiculous.

Wheres the evidence of 'loved'?

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

Come back and tell us if you still think that once you’ve had your baby.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

So if your husband was expecting a new child with his new wife, you wouldn't have a problem with your child having to give up her space? Somehow I don't believe you. You'd be on here moaning about how the new wife was displacing your child in favour of her own.

Biffasum11 your mam isn't your child's parent so not comparable in the slightest. He is a father he should provide the basics like a bed and a space to call her own. I have an 7 year old and I'd be furious if she was treated with little regard.

@Biffasum11 I think create a room that is to your decor that is both a nursery for your baby and has as you say

a clean and pleasant place to sleep

and that isnt as you stated in your first post

a blowup bed or on the sofa

And your mum isnt the same - that is for childcare. This isnt childcare this is her visiting her father.

I do think though it is acceptable to give her a clean and pleasant space with a bed (maybe a midsleeper bed that gives her a desk and drawers underneath and some storage for her stuff. Something like this www.sleeplandbeds.co.uk/cosmos-white-childrens-midsleeper-cabin-bed-with-storage?gclid=Cj0KCQjwraqHBhDsARIsAKuGZeEvHnDZqLYiollHHcMSkR48UZfz3DlvzZW-jL4BF05RsqnmyLFwPTAaApQgEALw_wcB
That is hers and gives her a space to call her own. And you choose the colour to fit in with your decor and scheme of your nursery.

Also get a travel cot - this can both double up as something your mum can have if they stay over but also means your child can go into your room if you are going through a poor sleep stage

@Biffasum11 ew how can you be in a relationship with a man who is happy to make his own flesh and blood sleep on a sofa with no place for her to put her things. Just use the box room as your office/dsd bedroom.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

It's not about having their own room with all the trimmings though... it's just about having their own bed and not having to sleep on the sofa.

OP its not child care and you need to get out of that frame of mind. She is visiting her father and needs a proper bed to sleep in. Giving her a blow up bed will make her feel that this isn't one of her homes (which it it is)

Because she sees her dad so infrequently great care should be taken that this child feels welcome on visits and a proper bed to get in is is needed for that.

I think it might have been this morning a woman posted a thread about this very thing. I think she is 34 and still carries resentment from it. Dont damage the very fragile relationship they will already have.

Your DH is not providing 'child care' for his first child when he has her. He is parenting.

When you parent, you provide appropriate sleeping arrangements for your children. It's one of their basic needs.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

Your partner isn't providing childcare to his own child, what a bizarre comparison. If that's how you and him view it then good luck expecting him to be any sort of decent father to your little one.

@Biffasum11

Ohh gosh some real vitriol on here now and all sorts of accusations. If me and hubby split and I moved far away... end of the day so long as my child has a clean and pleasant place to sleep for one / two nights I wouldn't be so bothered if they have their own room ... with all the trimmings. End of the day it wouldn't be my household to dictate. Our child will have a lively room In the home they would be in for the vast majority of the time. My mum is planning on helping with child care should my child have a room at my mums ??

I’m starting to think this is a wind up...surely this isn’t real? Surely no one thinks this way, that their baby should have A lovely nursery (which is rarely, if ever, get used) and their other children, because she is your DHs child, should get dumped on a camp bed or the sofa? This can’t be real.

Daily Mail get your greasy mitts into this one eh?

Do you really consider a bed in your dressing room 'her own room with all the trimmings?' And of course your child shouldn't have a bedroom at your mum's because she is helping you with childcare. Your husband isn't 'helping' with childcare of this child, he is her father! Although not a very dedicated one from the sound of it. Honestly, I hope when your little girl is 7 you look at this and see yourself in a new light.

Also, YABBU for using the word ‘hubby’

And by the way I think it's just a barefaced lie that you would be happy for your child (who needs a lovely nursery) to sleep on the couch if you and her father broke up.