Nursery for new baby, takes away bedroom for DSS

[Biffasum11]

Hi All,

Just need some advice from those that have maybe been in my shoes. Me and my husband have been married 3 years and are now expecting our first baby together. My husband has a dauggter with another woman who is almost 7. I have been in DSD life since she was two. We live in a three bed semi and saved to buy it. Currently we have our master bedroom , our spare room that is my dressing room/ DSD room when she's here. She's is here once a month for the weekend due to distance. Her mum moved 300 miles away when she was 1 year old. Our third bedroom is a box room and is now an office due to me working from home. We only have a small lounge dinner and very small kitchen so I needed a dedicated work space. Now my baby arrival is fairly soon. I would love a nursery I have always envisioned a lovely space with a rocking chair and a cot with all their little bits. Realistically we do need the spare room space for the baby as our living space would be too small and cluttered to keep everything there. But this would mean DSD has no room at ours and would need to sleep on a blowup bed or on the sofa. I do feel awful but at the same time I would love to have a decorated nursery. We can't move right now as would mean paying large sum for early repayment for our fixed rate. And just makes little sense to throw away thousands and we wouldn't get a four bed for what we could afford once we pay those charges. Plus when it's just us two house size is no issue. Should I feel like I'm just evil ? Husband seems fine to make me a nursery and doesn't seem to have any guilt so should I just enjoy it and not overhthink?

I hope your noticing what kind of father your partner is though OP, one who doesn't give a shit, it's unlikely to be different for your child.

This is a really sad thread to read. I hope you change your mind OP. But definitely don’t come back when your DSD is a teenager or adult and complain about her behaviour because you’ll have very much contributed to it.

It's been said several times but no, you can't remove all private space from your DSD and put her on a blow up bed.

DS spent 14 months in our room after he was born you could be a year away from this even being an issue.

Your DSD will 100% feel replaced if you do this. You have a new baby, that spends all the time in the world with both parents. This new baby has taken away any space she had in your home. This will not lead to a harmonious household.

Oh I missed a post, a fold up camper bed is no better, she's still being pushed out.

There’s another thread about someone who ended up sleeping on a blow up bed whenever they visited their dad and it made them feel shit and the replies on that thread are pretty much unanimous that it is a shit thing to do. Give the child somewhere they can call their own, however you need to do it.

Look this doesn't seem this complicated to me. Let DSD have the box room. Let her decorate it. Be sensitive around this move as no matter how it looks to you, she is now getting downsized.

Forget this nursery madness. You don't have the space. Just get the cot and your office into the spare room and get rid of the double bed.

If you get clever storage facilities with DSD's bed you will still be able to store some extras in there and the workspace. The dressing table will probably have to go.

Such is life. When you're housing a lot of people in a relatively small space and WFH you have to be agile. Myself and DP are working from home, we have a small 3-bed and the same number of people as you. Honestly it works out. It can be fun figuring out solutions. We have storage built in absolutely everywhere.

He uses three screens so has a fixed office in the attic (also he's messy so I knew trying to share a desk would be the end of us) but I have a metal box which houses all my stuff and I move from DSD's room to the kitchen table to sometimes the hall (I call it my standing desk). I worked in companies with hot desking policies for years so I quite enjoy this.

I suggest you read Marie Mondo's Spark Joy book. You will be amazed what you can achieve with the space you have.

@Biffasum11 I really hope you and your husband don't separate, could you imagine someone doing this to your child in the future?

You are exactly the reason step moms get the reputation they do!

@Ginger1982

I'm also interested as to why your DH didn't protest when his ex took their daughter 300 miles away...

Probably saw it as a perfect excuse to not have to see her

Op seems happy to share her dressing room with her dsd once a month

But won’t share full time with her own daughter and dsd

We all love a diagram. We need a floor plan pic and where furniture is now and size of room

No one needs a dressing table for make up. Box in bathroom /own bedroom with mirror

Ginger1982
I'm also interested as to why your DH didn't protest when his ex took their daughter 300 miles away...
He maybe did protest but he can't stop his ex from moving on with her life and moving where she wants to be.

It's actually possible to stop a parent moving that far and courts grant it if that's in the best interests of the child. Clearly in this case it wasn't and either dad didn't try or courts agreed with mum

How does it even work to settle a 7yo on the couch at 9pm or whatever while the adults want to watch TV.

Well the adults have a lovely large room upstairs free of any office or dressing table clutter and won't contain a cot so I'd think they'll swan off up there to enjoy their evening leaving SD downstairs alone.

I don't think OP is coming back but I'm curious to know if DSD stays longer in the holidays - which are fairly frequent really - or if it's really just 2 days a month, in which case how are the squeezing in all the stuff they claim to do with her when both days will mostly be travel?!

When you're housing a lot of people in a relatively small space and WFH you have to be agile

In this case it's an average sized family home and an average sized family.

The OP just has many many demands on the space which put her above all else.

I think my stepmum and dad were unreasonable - bed provision for me http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4293709-i-think-my-stepmum-and-dad-were-unreasonable-bed-provision-for-me

It sounds like you need to clear out your own stuff. You have wardrobes and make up filling two rooms?! That’s fine, but you clearly don’t have the space for it.

Pack your work stuff into the loft while you’re on maternity leave as baby will be in with you, then when you move baby into his/her own room, you can put your desk in your bedroom, then you have two rooms free for the children. Alternatively, keep the spare room as DSD’s room and keep baby in with you until you move. I wouldn’t plan for the two children can share when you’ve got a baby - they often don’t sleep through the night for months, if not years.

Your proposal that DSD has no room or space of her own is unacceptable. The people making sacrifices here should be the parents, not the children.

This makes me cringe.

Poor stepdaughter.

Just read the other post about the lady who slept on a make up bed til 14. That's so sad and so good of her to share.
We need more perspectives like this I think.

I want to explain the red carpet comment.
I know several friends/ family who had the red carpet treatment and as far as the step and biological parent were concerned their child's life was amazing. On paper it looked great. However for the child it wasn't.

They felt (as children) mostly different to new/ full time siblings and mums children. They were allowed to stay up later, got extra gifts and when everyone else had to 'muck in' so to speak - they weren't as they were seen as they shouldn't have chores (as they weren't there all the time) they shouldn't be expected to share so while other siblings were squashed into 1 or 2 rooms - they had a room to themselves.

They got double presents from both family's at Christmas and birthdays.

This all caused long term issues between the siblings.

Shame as this was all with the best intentions.

It's the taking away but that's a problem IMO.

Next door has his daughter stay every now and again and she's on the sofa due to her not coming much and space etc this has been the arrangement from the start.

But in your case it will be obvious that she has been kicked out of her room because of the baby

@mummysharky you don’t need to explain the red carpet comment.

Firstly, it’s a term overused on this board a lot.

Secondly, your explanation is completely irrelevant to this thread as none of the behaviour you described has been mentioned here.

Op you could get her a dog crate? Or a rabbit hutch? She probably sleeps in the foetal position anyway so she will fit. And it comes with its own water bottle. And you not even need to let her out to use the toilet cos you can put hay in there....... you can even keep it outside on warmer nights. Problem solved.

My sister and I were that child.
Mum and dad split when we were 4 and 7. Dad lived with his new girlfriend and we seen him every weekend for a night overnight but since it was her house and not his, even though there were 4 bedrooms so ample room, we shared the sofa bed in the livingroom every weekend.
We had no belongings at their house so lived out of a bag every weekend, I never for a moment felt welcome and part of the family.
We haven't had a relationship since contact dwindled out at 14/15, obviously there were other contributing reasons this happened but that was a major part of it.

Perhaps this is what you are hoping will happen by taking away DSD's personal space in your home? That if she no longer feels welcome your DH will no longer have to sacrifice a weekend a month and you and your new baby will finally have him all to yourself?

@mummysharky

So a totally different situation then involving spoiled stepchildren? Of course they get two lots of gifts, their two parents aren’t together anymore.

And other siblings being squashed into shared rooms so a step sibling can have their own room is utterly irrelevant here. This woman needs a lovely nursery, dressing room and office while her stepdaughter sleeps on the sofa like an unexpected guest.

Oh well, if you can move to somewhere bigger in two years, it will then no longer be a problem. You can keep your baby (who is not yet born), in your room until that time and your stepdaughter can have her own room at your house.

When pregnant with first baby many of us have marvellous ideas about how things will be, including planning a nursery, but it often doesn't materialise. Compromises must be made. It doesn't hurt in the long run.

Make the nursery work for both children by putting a single bed in there for DSD. You will find yourself glad anyway to have a place to lie down / sit comfortably when you want to spend time in the nursery room with your baby (on the days when DSD is not there). Don’t take all of her space away and relegate her to the sofa or a blow up bed. That’s mean. She’s at her father’s home, not on a campout. Everyone has fantasies of picture perfect decorating, but they don’t supersede the needs of actual living breathing humans. And trust me, the new baby will give no sh—ts about whether it is sleeping in an Instagram-worthy space or not.

I genuinely don’t understand the OP’s dilemma. Keep things as they are and keep baby in your bedroom. We kept DD in with us for 18 months. Her own room was ready - we just preferred to have her in with us.

I think saying DSD can have a camp bed or blow up bed or sleep in the lounge is horrible. As a PP said, this is why step parents get such a bad press.

OP, if you do come back on this thread make sure it is after you have spent some time thinking and putting yourself in DSD’s position. She is a person too. Imagine if she needed to come and live with your permanently. Where would she and her belongings go then?

The OP and those like her are the reason the awful wicked stepmother stereotype exists.

Happy ensconced with another stereotype namely the deadbeat dad....

@Noterook

I hope your noticing what kind of father your partner is though OP, one who doesn't give a shit, it's unlikely to be different for your child.

But the people who procreate with these men never see that.